A year on and standing

[LH19]

K,

I wouldn’t say you’re enabler her but it is disrespectful. Here’s the thing, you can’t control her but you can set boundary to protect yourself.

[kbuenob]

K,

I wouldn’t say you’re enabler her but it is disrespectful. Here’s the thing, you can’t control her but you can set boundary to protect yourself.

Thank you LH19

I'm going to have to read up on boundaries again. I guess I don't really understand them pertaining to this situation

[ovrrnbw]

Sorry OB but woman don’t stay out until 5:00am playing cribbage.

I hear ya. But she's living at home, hasn't moved out, no affair that we know of. With TS not doing any reconnaissance it is not the time to pretend like he's ready to go hardcore DB on her.

I think he's not going to do well with the hard approach. And getting all reactive to what she is doing is not DB. So to me it's more of going the detachment route. How is it going to look to her family when he doesn't show up to family stuff with the W and kids? His W won't say "Oh well I'm staying out all night GGW and therefore he is setting a boundary". She'll throw him under the bus.

By and large I agree with your sentiment, I'm just not sure what he can do with that.

TS, what is the "status" of your R?

[LH19]

Well since papers have been filed its going to have to be explained to families anyway. Who cares what she tells her family that's her problem. He can always tell his family that they are having problems right now. I don't see the point of playing happy family and this gives the opportunity to slowly transition into doing things separately which will also help with detachment.

[ToSmile]

Hi all,

Thanks for the replies and such. Actually at this point in time, my mentality is split between no longer cares / don’t know what other stuffs I can do about her actions. Thus I maintain my stand and would not allow her to verbally abuse me through retaliation / ignoring.

During week days, she doesn’t come back for dinner. Her mum ever told me that certain days, she actually went over to their place for dinner before she comes back. I do not wish to think too much into that and maybe her mum might be covering up for her. When her family call looking for her and she’s not around, her mum will call her up and question her whereabouts. I do not want to take the initiative to be a whistle blower and involves her family as I don’t think it lead to anywhere positive as well.

With regards to the weekend nights out, she does put up IG photos after the event but who knows she could have blocked me from some other photos as well. But I don’t want to be bothered with that.

For now I think I am conditioning myself to treat her like a stranger. Even during family events. Another one coming up this weekend that her brother invited me over to his birthday dinner and they were looking forward to the stuffs I cook as it is a pot luck session.

Her family does know I am very displeased with her and they are by my side as they claim. They witness how shot fused and manipulating she was when she was talking to me, the kids, and even to the extend of trying to manage her family members. A common feeling they shared was, she is a totally changed person.

With regards to our relationship status OB, we are still married and living in the same house. She mentioned she had got her lawyer to process the divorce papers in August and I have also standby my lawyer. But till date nothing. So she just live in and kinda taking this place like a hotel now. But one thing is, I no longer try to dissuade her from divorce unlike previously and told her that she can proceed and serves me the papers and I am waiting if stuffs got riled up.

I may not be ready to be the initiator now. But I would no longer say I will not be the initiator like I used to think. Thus for now, perhaps you are right I am on the detachment route.

LH, I am trying to get whatever information I can while reading here and apply. Such as telling her I will live better as per some old timer quoted here, talk only when she initiate the relationship talk and also setting my boundaries which I confronted her during her late night out without at least the courtesy of informing because I do not condone her to take this home like a hotel. With regards to OM/EA and stuffs, she mentioned there isn’t. I had made it clear to her if I come to know about it if there is one, that’s it. We will cut everything here with me initiating. But I do not know if there could be OW though as some of her friends whom she hangs out with has different gender preference and basically, I do not see anyone of her close back comes from a family orientated or full family background.

I have not gotten the DB book previously as there was no electronic version band I do not wish to let her see I am reading the book as we still lives together. But now I have ordered the book and perhaps just wrap up the cover so she would not access it.

Sorry if what I type above may not be too coherent. Nursing a gastric flu with the kids monkeying around me now and posting this via phone.

[ToSmile]

Well since papers have been filed its going to have to be explained to families anyway. Who cares what she tells her family that's her problem. He can always tell his family that they are having problems right now. I don't see the point of playing happy family and this gives the opportunity to slowly transition into doing things separately which will also help with detachment.

Actually both families knows we are having problems and her family the full picture. Just that they are trying to be more supportive for the kids and leaving things to us to manage. I am actually joining her family at times as my in laws were hoping for me to be there. For now, I will go if I feel like it and not for her or for the hope of reconciliation but more for them. But I know will come a day if all comes to naught, I will not be joining for such occasions anymore.

[LH19]

TS,

In the grand scheme of things it doesn't change anything whether you attend family functions or not. I'm talking more about going out to eat and other fun things that you just take the kids. It took me a little while to adjust to just the three of us and it helped me immensely with detachment.

[ToSmile]

Hi LH,

Actually when I attended those functions, its not more of hoping anything for the both but I think to have the both parents being present together for the kids. I also do feel pointless on the part of playing happy family to the adults but more for the kids?

I am pretty used in going out with both the chaps myself now since it's coming to 2 years for our sitch. In fact, I do feel that the whole outing is much more relaxed and less pressured without her around. Given her sudden emotional explosion or way of preference over the others, then giving hell if couldn't get it her way.

Sometime its just kinda crazy and out of the world. I'll just share an instance. I was at the mall. She was with the kids and she called asking if I am doing grocery shopping? I told her maybe later or the next day when they are back home and I get the car which is much more convenient for me. She then suggest me to do the shopping and they will drive over and pick me up.

I finished my shopping in time when they came over to pick me up. I got onto the car, she kicked up a big fuss. Saying why should I carry out the shopping now and could have done it the next day. And now she is late for her next appointment.

I never intend to do the shopping that day. She suggested me to.
I never ask her to pick me up. She offered to.
I was in time. Not the one delaying her.

I felt that I am dealing with a schizo at times. Thus, I actually pretty much enjoy the time alone with the chaps or by myself. Just that when I am out alone, I do worry about what the chaps are going through.

[LH19]

TS,

So you will do things together when divorced?

[ToSmile]

LH,

Meals with the kids, yes.

Her family occasions, depends but maybe as a family friend. However this would have to be reviewed if either of us has a new partner to avoid any form of awkwardness