Just curious as to why when you have no kids in the house you will hangout, eat dinner and watch tv with her?
I enjoy spending time with her. In general, I prefer to hang out with anyone rather than no one. Also, she's great at cooking and I'm great at cleaning so figure that we might as well enjoy the (limited) partnership for a bit longer. For what it's worth I don't ask her to hang out - she's off doing her own thing tonight and I don't question.
What are you thinking?
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
No, it's not acceptable, but it's also short-lived. She's moving out the week after next. I'm moving out by mid-September. I was out of the house this weekend more than I was in and I have plans tomorrow night (plus stayed late at work tonight). I'm doing what I want, no resentment of her, no show, either.
In two weeks she is going to get home to not find D3 for the first time in her life. She's going to compare that experience against what she is leaving behind. Yes, I'm the a-hole husband who cheated. I'm also the great father, the easy friend, and, most importantly, the guy who was willing to work on our marriage while she dashed out the door. I don't see watching TV with her as necessarily improving the potential for R but I also don't see it as reducing the odds. She's vilified me. Having a few final data points of ok times doesn't seem bad to me. And I'm not foregoing other plans. To be honest, I've had a headcold for a week and all I wanted to do after all the nights out was to hang at home.
But maybe I'm looking at this wrong.
One question: what is "cc"? If you mean W then I don't know. Thought that it may have been a baseball game with her team but it's late and she's not home. So who knows?
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
I don't want to make this sound like false hope, but people do R after D. Sometimes space is what is needed for some healing, on both sides. One of my friends went through D (his W had a PA, then filed on him), and over a year after finalization they suddenly tried to R. This after a nasty D process full of anger. Not once, but twice. R didn't take.
I'm curious - what drove them to try to R? And what ultimately led to the failure? I don't have false hope - the stat I read was that 1/3 of divorced couples attempt to R and, of those, a third succeed. 10% chance is poor but not nothing. At this point, though, it feels like we are barely roommates.
I don't know the detailed history, but the LBH was always open to R, and his WAW made overtures. They tried twice to my knowledge.
I think timing has a lot to do with R failures -- I think it's common for both parties to want to R at some point, but often not at the same time.
Originally Posted by crdcheck
Originally Posted by unchien
I have my kids 30% of the time now, I miss them unbelievably, it is heart-breaking to see them forced to adapt to this situation, but... overall, I can't deny that I am happier right now than I was living with my W the last several months.
Why only 30%?
I assume you mean as opposed to 50/50? Once my youngest is school-age I would press for 50/50 (if our sitch goes that route).
I don't really feel like listing all my rationale, other than just saying 30/70 is what I wanted, my W proposed less, and I got all of what I wanted. So I am satisfied. My only quibble is I have a fairly long stretch between seeing them, so we are working on trying to insert some time in there during those gaps.
We'll see how it goes, my W and I are open to adjusting this schedule once it gets up and running when school starts.
Ah, that makes sense. I was wondering if you were suggesting that I try to figure out what exactly W was up to, ha. Lots of new acronyms here for me.
Yes, I am going out as much as I can stand without leaning too much on others. Going out tonight for sure, probably tomorrow as well. D3 back on Fri so will spend days with her as much as possible, probably go out after she's in bed.
Last edited by crdcheck; 07/31/1901:14 PM.
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
I assume you mean as opposed to 50/50? Once my youngest is school-age I would press for 50/50 (if our sitch goes that route).
I don't really feel like listing all my rationale, other than just saying 30/70 is what I wanted, my W proposed less, and I got all of what I wanted. So I am satisfied. My only quibble is I have a fairly long stretch between seeing them, so we are working on trying to insert some time in there during those gaps.
We'll see how it goes, my W and I are open to adjusting this schedule once it gets up and running when school starts.
Got it, and apologies if I came across as direct. One of the quibbles W and I have had is that she is seeing herself as "giving up" 50% of her time with D3 and that I should treat this as a sort of gift from her. I have several issues with this, not the least of which is that my state is a 50/50 default state (so she would have to prove that I shouldn't have D3 50% and with no abuse/drugs/etc. that would be difficult) and that she considers time spent with dad to build a solid relationship a loss of some kind. Was just curious about how others approached.
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
Got it, and apologies if I came across as direct. One of the quibbles W and I have had is that she is seeing herself as "giving up" 50% of her time with D3 and that I should treat this as a sort of gift from her. I have several issues with this, not the least of which is that my state is a 50/50 default state (so she would have to prove that I shouldn't have D3 50% and with no abuse/drugs/etc. that would be difficult) and that she considers time spent with dad to build a solid relationship a loss of some kind. Was just curious about how others approached.
CC - No worries, I betrayed my sensitivity on this issue as I am sure some people would suggest I should have pushed for 50/50. I am in a trial separation at the moment so this is not all written in stone, but I understand the importance of establishing regular timeshare if things do evolve into a D.
The rationale for why 30 and not 50 is very long-winded, and specific to my our life circumstances. As part of my new outlook on life and goal of improving emotional awareness, I will admit I feel conflicting emotions about the arrangement. I'm just not convinced 50/50 would have been best for my kids at this moment. Also my 30% is heavily weighted towards weekends which are full days uninterrupted by school, so I feel good about the quality of time I am getting.
See, now I feel like I am being defensive...
For you... if you want 50/50, absolutely go for 50/50. Stand your ground. It doesn't matter what your W thinks. You are your daughter's father, you have equal rights. Are there states that don't start with 50/50 assumption?
Interesting day yesterday. Took the afternoon off to have a 1:1 with my therapist - all was good though she seems to think that I am giving up on trying to R based on my use of DB techniques. I didn't specify that I was getting info from here, etc., just said that I am getting my own life, no longer changing myself to try to make W feel good (or at least not bad), and developing myself into someone that W can respect (whether or not she does is on her).
After IC was our mediation meeting. Got through most of the property pretty easily and no real issues with the sticking points. Most of our stuff is replaceable so if W gets the the silverware then I get a new set paid for out of our joint account. There are a few items where she says that she doesn't want to buy replacements right away but a judge won't sign off on an agreement that has outstanding items. I told her that I'm not in a rush, she's moving out so she is getting her space, so if she can't figure out how to buy 10 things in the next 1-2 months that's on her. She is angry that I won't compromise (her belief, I disagree) and that she feels "pressured". I wasn't perfect but I was pretty good - I should have said that I understand where she is coming from and that she needs to manage her anxiety and feelings as I am managing mine. I said something to that effect but did finally say that most of the pressure is on me, that her drives are to save as much money as possible and get the D finalized as quickly as possible and that anything I say/do that doesn't align to this is antagonistic. I went a step further than I probably should have by saying (for the first time) that all her anxiety, pressure, etc., are caused by her, that she can stop this at any time - I'm the one who is in the back seat just along for the ride. She did not take this well, threw up that we are only getting a D because of my cheating. Mediator put a stop to this which was the right thing but I did feel a bit better by being a bit more honest about how I feel.
The downside is that it plays into her narrative that I'm selfish. I texted her a short note later (right after the session I went to a 1:1 lesson with a sort of meditation professor - part of GAL and really fun) to say that I was sorry for some of the words I used, that they were unproductive. She came back with:
W "I don't care about your words. I care about your willingness to compromise which I don't see" Me: "I'm sorry that you feel that way. I know that I am compromising on a lot and being deliberate about where I choose to maintain my position" W: "I don't see where you've compromised. And I haven't held my position on a single thing." Me: "We have very different perspectives on this. Just so I'm clear, are you saying that you don't see a single place I've compromised since beginning mediation?" W: "You aren't home are you?" Me: "No" [END: I was out with a couple of friends for drinks and then dinner]
For me, this really confirms my belief that she has completely vilified me and that there is nothing I can do. I understand if she (and others) think that I'm not compromising enough but to say that she's given up on everything and I haven't is objectively false. So, reinforces my DBing. The only catch is that I'm really starting to not like her at all.
Anyway, she's hoping that our next mediation session (next week) is the last. I'm doubtful given that there are some relatively big outstanding items. She is acting desperate to have the D finalized which is weird to me since I don't see what the gain is. Don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to being done with this, too, but a month isn't a big deal, especially considering that she's moving out. Any thoughts?
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
W "I don't care about your words. I care about your willingness to compromise which I don't see" Me: "I'm sorry that you feel that way. I know that I am compromising on a lot and being deliberate about where I choose to maintain my position" W: "I don't see where you've compromised. And I haven't held my position on a single thing." Me: "We have very different perspectives on this. Just so I make sure I heard you correctly, you feel as if you have compromised on every issue and I have compromised on no issues. Is that right?, I'm clear, are you saying that you don't see a single place I've compromised since beginning mediation?" W: "You aren't home are you?" Me: "No" [END: I was out with a couple of friends for drinks and then dinner]
I'm not sure the blue part jibes with DB, but repeating back what you heard (without inserting any opinion or emotion) is a common listening skill that is another form of validating.
