She also said i was acting like a d*ck and a douchebag and a b*tch because i told her no and stuff
Wow JB I can't believe the disrepect you are allowing yourself to be subjected to over and over. My XW would NEVER, EVER say things like that to me, not when we were married, not after bomb drop, and not now years after our divorce. NEVER. I don't care how bad you think you "need" her, no human being should EVER allow someone else to treat them like this. You can stop this and stop it NOW. If she EVER says something like that to you then you look her square in the eye and you tell her you will not tolerate being spoken to in such a manner and until she takes on a more respectful tone you will NOT have this or any other conversation with her. Then LEAVE. Leave the room or leave the house.
If the others haven't already made this abundantly clear to you- you have ZERO chance of reconciling with her as long as you continue to let her disrespect you like this. She has no attraction to you right now. First you have to gain her respect, then she might start seeing you differently.
Originally Posted by Jb2019
She said it is my fault that the utility bill is so high, and that her depression and anxiety and spening time out is brcause of me too
Don't respond to crap like this. Don't reply, don't engage.
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So what do i do if i want to keep her
Let her go. Quit letting her abuse and belittle you. Be a man again. Find yourself. Rebuild your confidence. Make yourself smarter, better looking, more fit, better dressed, better groomed. Don't look back. THEN she might be interested in you again.
Originally Posted by Jb2019
I went to in the bed and she took her pillows and a cover and is laying on the couch, didn’t even say anything about her wanting the bed and the room.
GOOD. You stay in the bed. You let her sleep wherever she wants. Couch, floor, in the bed next to you, in the back yard, wherever. It should all be the same to you.
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She did change her facebook status to single, which hurts.
Quit looking at her FB. Block her if you can't stop yourself from looking.
Originally Posted by Jb2019
I was expecting her to come to bed with me or say something about me sleeping elsewhere whenever she decided to lay down, but she went with just laying on the couch. Idk how things will go from here..
Quit expecting anything of her. She's checked out. Drop all expectations. Focus on YOU.
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She said its my fault she was late for work because she’s depressed
More disrespect. Don't respond, just ignore this kind of stuff.
Originally Posted by Jb2019
If the papers come in do i sign them? And how long can i expect her to sleep elsewhere? And will she just continue sleeping with me when she sees that i’m not moving
Do you agree with the terms? If you do then sign, if you don't then don't sign. Regarding where she sleeps, no she probably won't return to the bed. Your focus is in the wrong place. Focus on YOU and making yourself "the spouse only a fool would leave". You are not that right now, but you can be. It'll take many months of hard work. Time to get started.
EDIT- you're past 10 pages, time for a new thread. Title it the same or something different with "part 2" on it. Post a link to this thread in your first post in the new one, and post a link to the new thread in your last post in this one.
What if she insists, she said if i don’t sign that’ll make things even worse between us and that she would make me pay for court costs and possibly get a restraining order and force me out and that i couldn’t see the dogs or her anymore then even as a friend
Meh. Empty threats to try to get what she wants. Go get a L.
So she’s still trying to hurt me but doesn’t really mean it?
No she is trying to manipulate you into getting what she wants. She has no respect for you and frankly doesn't care if you are hurt or not.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Not sure what this question means in relation to what we've been telling you? Attraction for women is closely linked to respect. You cannot be attractive to her if she doesn't respect you.
But in general, the answer to your question is yes. You have to let her go to get her back. Counter-intuitive but it is the only choice you really have.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Its not about acting like you don't need her. Its about moving your attention from trying to change her, fix the MR, to focusing on yourself.
All you need to do is take a step back, evaluate yourself, and work on yourself. Thats it. What behaviors have you recognized that contributed to your 50% of the relationship failure? Work on those. What can you do to improve yourself?
Read self-help books, dress differently, workout etc.
What can you do to make yourself happy and keep your focus off of your MR and your WW? You can GAL. Do things that make you happy. Do things that fulfill your day.
You are not trying to punish her. You are showing her that you respect yourself and that you understand that you will be a good man with her or without her.
It is very counter-intuitive. You want to approach her and fix it and talk and go into super husband mode. You need to fight those urges and ONLY focus on yourself.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Communication was a big part of my failures, as well as taking her for granted and never helping around the house..do i need to still try to fix these behaviors with her or will they come across as just trying to fix the marriage? I do want to communicate better with her and do better
Set a boundary that you won't tolerate verbal abuse. That will improve your communication. Done.
Listen, you are spinning. Every vet here is telling you the same thing... first, earn back your respect. You are way too focused on winning your W back when she is giving all signs that she wants to walk all over you. Helping more around the house right now is not going to help. Not taking your W granted right now is not going to help. It is good to think about these things, but they are also confusing your thoughts and you have a lot swirling around in your brain right now.
Also I'll stand by what I said before... Do not sign any papers if she throws then at you and insists. I don't care if she says the SWAT team is outside the door ready to take you away. Take your time. Read them... you will have time to respond. "OK, I need some time to review these" "When will you sign them?" "I don't know, I need some time" "blah blah blah" "I'm sorry you feel that way, I need some time" Stand up for yourself. Good for you, and good for your relationship because you are commanding some respect. See how it works?
Communication was a big part of my failures, as well as taking her for granted and never helping around the house..do i need to still try to fix these behaviors with her or will they come across as just trying to fix the marriage? I do want to communicate better with her and do better
Communication is maintenance you do on a fairly healthy MR. Pre-BD improving communication would have been a perfect thing to do.
It is like a car. If you don't change the oil, eventually you will have engine failure. After engine failure changing the oil won't matter.
So put a pin in improving communication. Concentrate on GAL, detaching, and 180s. If and when she wants to come back to the MR, then you can work on improving communication.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
