I hope everything carried over to this one. But i feel like i’m not doing anything right, i want to be a man and stand up to her so she’ll respect me, but i also want to repair things if at all possible (i know i need to do it for me, but i can’t help myself) she called me those names after i said no to her. When i stand up to her and say no she says i’m acting crazy snd out of control by telling her no and that i’m not doing that.. i still feel her saying things just to hurt me so i understand the crap test and don’t believe any of what she says. It’s everything else i need help clearing up. How do i implement everything without going too far? Can i still do stuff for her, without her asking me to do it, if that’s what i want to do? What is a man in a marriage supposed to be like, especially one who is trying to repair his marriage?
Last edited by job; 07/30/1903:16 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
I want to help you my man but you are so far off base right now I don't know where to start except to read Sandi's rules everyday and implement them as best as possible.
Read up on boundaries.
When you try to please a person who is rejecting you, it completely lowers your value in their eyes. She is testing your strength. She doesn't like it when you say no but she will respect it.
Set a boundary that you won't tolerate verbal abuse. That will improve your communication. Done.
Jb2019, this is absolutely right. If you had an employee answering phone calls for you, and a customer called up and called them a "##*$*$", what would you tell them to do? Hang up! I'm proud of how I responded the last time my partner attempted to communicate with me in a negative way:
Originally Posted by CWarrior
When I left Wednesday, I made plans to stop by and see her for 5-15min on my way out. She was dressed up to meet me but in a foul, accusatory mood.. so a minute in I gave her an affectionate pinch and said, “See you soon”.
If you do not know how to link your threads together, please let us know and we will provide you with the link to the instructions.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, give up trying to get your W back. You can't control her. You worrying about trying to get her back is hurting your chances of possibly getting her back. You need to work or yourself and put all your energy into gaining self-respect back.
Don't give up on your W. Give up the need to want to control trying to get her back. Getting her back is not your number one priority or it shouldn't be. Your number 1 priority is you.
Man, I just went back and reread your thread, from the moment you have came here, you have been given the same advice, focus on you, your WW is very disrespectful.
You haven't used a bit of advice and at this point, it seems to me that you are writing and not reading or applying the concepts given by the VETS or the site.
Your are so worried about her actions that your reactions are all over the place. You need to detach, detach, detach. I think you need to start there. You are way to attached. Everything see does, draws a reaction out of you. A person that is detached would not care about a person actions that's disrespecting them. Your WW is disrespecting you, because you are allowing her too. Walk away from her when she goes into a fit.
When you get in the bed and she leaves, let her. Take your own pillow and cover to the bed. The moment you stop reacting to her craziness the moment your respect will start to return.
Keep posting!!!!
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Thank you for connecting the threads, i didn’t know how to. And it’s so hard to because it’s so not in my nature, she always said i need to be the man but i never fully knew how, same with commanding respect. I know everyone is giving me good advice but i’m not sure how to actually do it or to make sure i keep doing it. I do want to be a man and be respected, i care too much though. Plus it’s always been hard for me to fully grasp a concept that i’m not used to, i’m sorry i’m being so difficult
JB - I will try to spin this advice a little softer and maybe that will help.
You have NGS. There, I said it. You want to both repair things and stand up for yourself and you don't know where to start.
If you were cured of NGS, being able to simultaneously repair things and command respect would come naturally. Unfortunately, this is not going to happen overnight. You feel things slipping away, and every inch things move farther towards slipping away worries you.
This is "fear of abandonment" or "fear of losing the relationship." Those fears will drive unhealthy thoughts, attitudes and behaviors. Of COURSE you may lose the relationship. Your goal should be to become a man who can deal with any outcome of any relationship in your life at any time. That is long-term, so just keep that on the back burner.
Short-term -- I am strongly opinionated on the way to crawl out of this NGS hole (I am still crawling but I see the light approaching):
- Drop the idea of repairing things. It holds you back, it keeps you in "flight or fight" or "fear of abandonment" mode. Think of this as the rope you need to drop (in DB terminology).
- If you can't drop the idea, at least understand that if you don't earn back your respect, things will not be repaired anyways. So you may as well focus on respect.
- Earn back self-respect -- you don't respect yourself right now. Work on that. GAL, PMA, meditate. Get a handle on your emotions. Go to IC. Let that emotional tornado in your head settle down and start to sort through things. This is not easy and will take months if not years. Your posts and actions make it clear to me - you do not respect yourself enough right now.
- Earn back your W's respect - set boundaries, listen/validate. Take your time to make decisions consciously. Don't do everything she says, and also don't not do everything she says. Make decisions that are good for you. Not in a selfish way - be in touch with your values and your emotions and what feels right. This won't come easy because you have NGS and you need to work on being in touch with your values/emotions first. You may feel like you are faking it for awhile.
When she told me all this she couldn’t even do it alone, she had her live in cousin be in the living room with us.. and NGS stands for nice guy syndrome? I want to read the book no more mr nice guy and combine what i read there with divorce remedy
