Why the first boundary? Do you NOT want to welcome him into your home? If you are saying he has a key, then just ask him for the key back.
On the second boundary, that is one you can enforce without telling him you are setting it. When he calls, let it go to VM. If it is about the kids respond with a text. When he texts, ignore it unless it is about the kids.
Why is the last one a big deal? Can't you just transfer the money to your personal account after he deposits it in the joint account?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
When he comes to my location on business trips or for vacation to see the kids, he ends up staying at my home and ultimately we end up playing house. I go back to doing laundry for him, bringing coffee, making breakfast....I’ve even gone as far to walk a mile to take the bus to work so he would have my ride to get around. He must find me super pathetic.
This time it wasn’t as bad as I have been GAL and detaching. Still I need him out of the cake eating environment and I need to stop enabling it.
I think I’m good with the contact boundary.
The joint account just because he had a few transactions come out and if I didn’t leave a balance it would’ve gone negative.
Good advice. I explained above about wanting him out of my home. To add that he left, wants the D and has eaten cake over the past 2 years. Sometimes I served it mistakenly thinking we were working on things. Every time he would return to his duty station he’s forget about me and the kids until he came to my location for work or vacation. I also have suspicions about an EA too because of messages he sends and he also told me about this “friendship “ with the secretary. I learned about this in December. He said he really likes her and she’s married with kids too and they haven’t hugged yet.... since then I’m not so sure. I guess I’d like to protect my mental health and force him to lose this family he left so he can either fight for it or not. Either way I need to get better. He was texting her a few days ago right when we were having wine and watching our old favorite shows.
I’m good with the communication unspoken boundary.
Lilly - Regarding the communication stuff, I absolutely agree. Use e-mail for almost everything, and limit it to only necessary exchanges (kids, etc). Backup would be a call, text should be the last resort. Text messaging is the single worst form of communication, and I won't bore you with all the reasons why.
My W and I use e-mail, and set up a weekly call (with an agenda we share via e-mail ahead of time) to cover issues with the kids, finances, etc. It was awkward at first but clearly working well. We have cut out text almost entirely unless it's a "who what when where" logistic one. Text caused a ton of blow-ups previously.
Brief as possible, calm as possible. Once you start talking you will feel some relief. If the emotions swell up, take a breath, pause a beat, recognize the emotion, and stick to your plan. You can do this!
I was not able to follow through last night because my gut told me the timing was not right. As soon as I got in the door, I discovered H had been cooking one of my favorite dishes and he was a few glasses of wine in by the time I got home. The vibe was really depressing... The kids were already very sad and I could see that H eyes were glazed over and he was on the verge of tears.
I ate (the meal was amazing) and declined the wine, then proceeded to practice yoga for 30 minutes.
When we put the kids (S-11, D-6) to bed they both cried themselves to sleep and my H was clearly upset. I followed him downstairs and asked how he was doing. He said that he was just watching television. I told him I could see that, but I could tell he was upset and that I would keep him company so he wasn't alone feeling the way he did. I ended up staying up until a little after midnight. He reminisced and reflected on the time with the kids and I just listened and validated him. I told him I needed to get some sleep since I still had to work and he hugged me (very tight and had his head on my shoulder) for a few minutes. I ultimately let go first and he kept saying over and over again how much he appreciated me and all of the things I did for him. I told him that he was welcome and the kids really needed that time with him and that I was glad it worked out.
As far as the boundaries.
I am going to take Steve's advice with the communication and not necessarily lay it out, just implement it.
I am not worried about the joint account anymore, hopefully he has all of his things switched over so it doesn't become overdrawn.
He does have another business trip in a few weeks that will bring him back to my location. Before he arrives I am going to send him a email or letter to let him know that I can't have him stay in the home (playing house, it's really a mind F....). I just need to find the right words. I do appreciate all of the positive feedback and insight from yesterday.
