How To Treat Spouse With Children 2

[SteveLW]

Hrt, I know this was directed more at sandi than me. But wow.

I want you to do an exercise. Read your above post from 3 hours ago. I want you to read it as a 3rd party. Put aside your bias and your emotional attachment to the post, and just read it. Then answer these questions:

Does the post command respect from the OP's W?
Does the sending of sweet texts constitute pressure and pursuit?
Does asking her if she wanted the OP to keep doing the sweet tests or stop command respect? or does it come off as pathetic and weak?
Does the OP's W's response of "told me to not get upset if she didn’t always respond" suggest that the OP's W respects him? Or feels sorry for him?

Remember, answer these as objectively as you possibly can!

[petri]

Hrt, I'm not quite sure if my brain had a malfunction or what happened. But did I just read that you send her sweet texts twice a day? Why? Steve gave you an excellent exercise. Please do it.

[AnotherStander]

So in MC, our therapist told me to stop sending negative texts about what this counseling is for. She also wants me to be more consistent with everything. I feel I already am, but not to her.

So since she is really sensitive to the negative texts, I decided to send her one sweet text in the morning and evening. I spoke to her about it on webchat and she told me it was a lot, but that she was processing it and thinking about it. I asked her if she wanted me to keep doing it or stop and she said no that it was nice and I could keep doing it if I wanted too. She told me to not get upset if she didn’t always respond, though. I told her I wouldn’t.

I hope this is the right thing to do.

Well you're bouncing from one extreme to another and your W is probably really confused by it. This is the problem with people in the throes of having been BD'd- they try ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to "put things back to normal" when what they should be doing is NOTHING. They'll try to "nice" the WAS back, then "mean" them back if that doesn't work, then "nice" them back again when mean doesn't work, and everything inbetween. As Cadet is fond of saying, doing nothing is doing something. Doing nothing is actually very powerful after BD. The problem for the LBS is doing nothing feels like nothing, and it scares them because they think they need to take action.

I don't know what you mean by "sweet" texts but I am in 100% agreement with your C that all negative talking/ texting MUST stop. That is the biggest 180 any LBS can make. But it's got to be a consistent 180 over a long period of time before the WAS will believe it's real. Polite is fine, but be careful not to get too lovey in texts as that is relationship pressure. Your goal is to remove all pressure.

[Traveler]

Sorry, hrthusband, what Steve85 wrote is what I was thinking. Glad you were able to put a halt on the negative texts. Sometimes I write negatives things here, and then feel less need to say them aloud. The other tools I've used are meditation, exercising, and gardening. Lots of chopping plants!

[SteveLW]

bump Hrt, I am anxiously awaiting your response to my exercise.

[HrtHsbnd]

Good points on all of them Steve. I can see your point of view and I agree with it. I think I was saying those things to her because I thought we were heading in a good place.

In fact, I really thought we were on the road to reconciliation. I think we still are, as she seems to be having more good days than bad now. However, she is still dividing up our bills and saying that she is only following the order because she doesn’t want to get in trouble. She asked for my assistance with her bills and I told her I would not help her as that is not my responsibility anymore.

She is talking more about a future, but is still all over the place with it. For example, she has said many times that she doesn’t know if she’ll ever forgive me, but then wants to see consistency for it to happen. I asked her in what ways can I show you consistency, so she said in communication and coparenting with our son. So I’ve been doing that for awhile now. Then she says she doesn’t know what it will take for her to forgive me. She says that to have any relationship with her will start by being the best coparent to her and working with her. Once I do that then she might work on more.


I haven’t been on in a few days because things seemed to be going really well for us. We were talking more and building that emotional connection again or so I thought. I had to send her L some legal papers that we both have to do and that have to be in within a certain time. I told her I sent them and she just got really upset and mad. I guess it’s because we were both comfortable with where we were and didn’t think about any of the legal stuff. In fact, I thought she was pausing everything or even stopping it.

The next day on webchat she told me she wasn’t upset about the papers because that’s part of the process. She was upset at my timing if telling her about it. I tried to listen and validate. I did try to convince her that it wasn’t my fault and I had to follow the orders. The next evening on webchat she was great. I even told her I liked her outfit. We had the best conversation we’ve had since this started. It was about a 40 min conversation and I don’t think either of us wanted to get off the phone.

Then last night on webchat, it was just horrible. She got so irritated at me when I told her that I liked her outfit again. She immediately shut our conversation down and attacked me through text when we got off. Again, I just listened and validated I used words of encouragement and support too. I told her that she just keeps pushing me further away and I’m almost done.

I feel that was important because I’ve been the rock so far and I’m just getting to a point where I’m not sure I want to be subject to her riding her emotional rollercoaster anymore.

Thoughts?

Hrt, I know this was directed more at sandi than me. But wow.

I want you to do an exercise. Read your above post from 3 hours ago. I want you to read it as a 3rd party. Put aside your bias and your emotional attachment to the post, and just read it. Then answer these questions:

Does the post command respect from the OP's W?
Does the sending of sweet texts constitute pressure and pursuit?
Does asking her if she wanted the OP to keep doing the sweet tests or stop command respect? or does it come off as pathetic and weak?
Does the OP's W's response of "told me to not get upset if she didn’t always respond" suggest that the OP's W respects him? Or feels sorry for him?

Remember, answer these as objectively as you possibly can!

[HrtHsbnd]

I guess that’s my mistake. I’ve left her alone this entire time and am just getting irritated it’s not moving along quicker. I haven’t been away from my wife for longer than a week and I’ve been away from her now 4 months.

I miss her and I’m ready to work on our relationship again. I know detachment detachment. I’m really trying but it’s been very hard because I know myself and I know that if I detach with love, I’ll be done and ready to move forward with another person. I want my marriage and I want to be able to tell my son when he’s older that I did everything I could to save his family.

I’m just at the anger stage of grief, I guess. I am a man of action and I want this to keep moving towards reconciliation. But she just doesn’t seem ready. She has been saying that she doesn’t know what she wants, which is an improvement from a divorce and that’s all she wanted a month ago.

She goes back and forth on saying she doesn’t know if she will ever forgive me. She doesn’t know if she still loves me and doesn’t know if she even wants to stay in the marriage. She doesn’t know what she needs from me to feel this way again. She says consistency in actions, but changes her mind there too.

She is just all over the place. I have no idea what that means or if that’s even normal. Why does she go from hot to cold so quickly too?!!

This is all just very frustrating!

So in MC, our therapist told me to stop sending negative texts about what this counseling is for. She also wants me to be more consistent with everything. I feel I already am, but not to her.

So since she is really sensitive to the negative texts, I decided to send her one sweet text in the morning and evening. I spoke to her about it on webchat and she told me it was a lot, but that she was processing it and thinking about it. I asked her if she wanted me to keep doing it or stop and she said no that it was nice and I could keep doing it if I wanted too. She told me to not get upset if she didn’t always respond, though. I told her I wouldn’t.

I hope this is the right thing to do.

Well you're bouncing from one extreme to another and your W is probably really confused by it. This is the problem with people in the throes of having been BD'd- they try ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to "put things back to normal" when what they should be doing is NOTHING. They'll try to "nice" the WAS back, then "mean" them back if that doesn't work, then "nice" them back again when mean doesn't work, and everything inbetween. As Cadet is fond of saying, doing nothing is doing something. Doing nothing is actually very powerful after BD. The problem for the LBS is doing nothing feels like nothing, and it scares them because they think they need to take action.

I don't know what you mean by "sweet" texts but I am in 100% agreement with your C that all negative talking/ texting MUST stop. That is the biggest 180 any LBS can make. But it's got to be a consistent 180 over a long period of time before the WAS will believe it's real. Polite is fine, but be careful not to get too lovey in texts as that is relationship pressure. Your goal is to remove all pressure.

[Traveler]

I’m really trying but it’s been very hard because I know myself and I know that if I detach with love, I’ll be done and ready to move forward with another person.

HrtHsbnd, these problems we have interacting positively with our partners for even short durations are I think what that "gift of time" saying is getting at. I'm enjoying the self work at least.

[sandi2]

I think I was saying those things to her because I thought we were heading in a good place.

So, it wasn't b/c the MC told you to stop sending negative texts?

In fact, I really thought we were on the road to reconciliation.

I must have missed something.

I think we still are, as she seems to be having more good days than bad now.

Maybe you should explain exactly what you mean by she seems to be having more good days than bad now. Are you referring to the verbal interactions between the two of you? Do you sense her attitude is better? Are her actions indicating she wants to reconcile?

For example, she has said many times that she doesn’t know if she’ll ever forgive me, but then wants to see consistency for it to happen.

Forgive you for what?

I asked her in what ways can I show you consistency, so she said in communication and coparenting with our son. So I’ve been doing that for awhile now. Then she says she doesn’t know what it will take for her to forgive me. She says that to have any relationship with her will start by being the best coparent to her and working with her. Once I do that then she might work on more.

To be blunt.......she is blowing smoke up your rear. Look, she is using all this co-parenting b.s. as her ticket to keep you in the hot seat. I dare say that her view of you communicating and co-parenting with her, is not the basic rules of communication needed for co-parenting one child. One example is how she wants you to sit and listen to her read stories to him, when he's with you in your house. IMHO, that is not realistic when the parents are living in a physical separation. Just b/c she labels it part of co-parenting or communication, doesn't make it so. I think she may be wanting to go a bit extreme under the heading of co-parenting. Since when do you have to measure up to her standards of co-parenting and communicating. I mean, by reading what she told you, it sounds as if she's holding it over your head. Has she threatened to fight you for child custody or something?

Correct me if I am thinking of another sitch, but didn't the MC sessions start with the purpose of co-parenting? I mean, this has been her thing, hasn't it? She doesn't want to work on the MR, so after five months, I would think the co-parenting subject would have been covered by now. Truth is, you didn't attend for the purpose of co-parenting. You went for the purpose of reconciling your M, and she has been stringing you along all this time.

The next day on webchat she told me she wasn’t upset about the papers because that’s part of the process. She was upset at my timing if telling her about it. I tried to listen and validate. I did try to convince her that it wasn’t my fault and I had to follow the orders.

I suggest you stop trying to convince of anything, especially about yourself. She keeps pulling your strings, and you are dancing around like her puppet. She says you aren't communicating enough, and you jump up and dance. She says you need to co-parent in the ways she wants, and you jump up and dance. She throws just enough crumbs about how she might work on something more, if you do things like she wants.........and you jump up and dance to her tune. You say you are an alpha male, but from what I can see, she's the one who is clearly in charge.

Then last night on webchat, it was just horrible. She got so irritated at me when I told her that I liked her outfit again. She immediately shut our conversation down and attacked me through text when we got off. Again, I just listened and validated I used words of encouragement and support too. I told her that she just keeps pushing me further away and I’m almost done.

It was horrible b/c you decided it is horrible whenever she gets angry at you. You allow her moods or quick anger to determine if the day is good or horrible. When she got irritated and shut down the webchat, then it should have ended there, as for as you were concerned. You should have made a mental note that you wouldn't compliment her outfits, and gone on with your evening. You should have ignored her text attack, instead of responding. Clearly, you do not have boundaries in place and allow verbal attacks. The guys here may not agree with me, and they may say you should validate when she attacks......but IMHO, this is not how you deal with a disrespectful wife. Okay, so she didn't like you complementing her outfit, what did you say that made her mad enough to shut down the conversation? The only time a woman doesn't like a complement is when it comes from someone that disgusts her, or it is putting emotional pressure on her, or makes her feel uncomfortable by the implications. I suggest you don't compliment her again, for a very long time. I also suggest you set some boundaries in place.

I told her that she just keeps pushing me further away and I’m almost done.

I feel that was important because I’ve been the rock so far and I’m just getting to a point where I’m not sure I want to be subject to her riding her emotional rollercoaster anymore.

I think you both have been guilty of trying to emotionally control the other one. In so many words, she warns you, then you warn her......around & around the merry wheel goes. Until you decide your self respect is most important, then I think you will continue on the ride. Not to oversimplify, but a lot of the problems in this sitch would be resolved if you seriously decided that you will not be disrespected without consequences. You need to treat her in a respectful manner, too, if possible. Know the difference in showing respect.....cowing down......accommodating......and pursuing. You need to know where to draw lines. You don't chase after someone who has just disrespected you. That's how I see your actions after she attacked you. As long as she can attack you for complimenting her, and she gets rewarded..........when do you think she'll change that type of action? She gets mad, pouts or throws a tantrum.......and you are there with soothing words, supporting and encouraging her. Hows that working?

I'm not saying you should act ugly or hateful. There is a way that a husband can teach his W that he won't tolerate bad behavior. He can show firmness without being angry or mean. He can show strength without emotionally pressuring her. He can demonstrate his love, without being a wuss.

Newcomers often remind me of new converts trying interpret scripture. It takes spiritual discernment for it to make sense........and especially when it comes to application to one's life. I think you are trying to use advice you've received from various sources, but you are struggling with discernment. That's JMHO. ((hugs))

[HrtHsbnd]

So my W wants to say that being in coparenting will help us build our communication, trust and consistency enough that she might think about working on our marriage.

She said during the time I was upset with her, she was the only one working on things. So now it’s my turn.

Thoughts?