Moving past D to a stronger me (pt. 7)

[Davide]

Link to old thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2833532#Post2833532

Repost of last update from old thread:

Where to start on the updates?

(Long Story, skip to the end below if you prefer)

Quote
How about a crazy story? I flew up to my hometown last weekend for a family wedding (my 3rd this school year!) On Sunday my flight home was at 2:30 but got delayed, then we got on the plane, then we didn't have enough gas and had to go back to the gate, then the crew hit their hours limit for the day, so we all had to get off. Finally at 6 or so, they tell us the flight is cancelled, they can give us a refund or they can put us on the next available flight... on Wednesday! I had work the next morning so that was out. On other airlines there were no flights for less than 600 dollars.

So I start asking people in line for refunds who were all on the flight, who is up for splitting a rental car and driving down. It is about 8-9 hours without traffic. I find three complete strangers and we head down to rent a car. It turns out two of the them are Spanish speakers, so I am happy to have the chance to chat. The one other guy is left out, but he slept most of the time he wasn't driving. One of the guys is a DACA recipient, a "dreamer" who came as a kid from El Salvador, studied philosophy in college and was on his way to getting ordained as a priest, but now is rushing back to my city to be on time in the kitchen he works at. Despite all the driving and the late, late night it was a fun adventure and a cool chance to interact with people whom I normally wouldn't get a chance to talk to. We finally got in to the airport to drop off the rental car at 3:50 in the morning.

That was when the adventure really started. I have no car currently, just a moped, and I had left that at the covered deck at the airport. But I was planning on arriving mid-afternoon and my front headlight had blown out, not a big deal for mid-afternoon, but not great at night. I decided that I was too exhausted to spend any more time at the airport, so I hopped on and set out right then sans headlights. The roads were very well lit and there was no traffic around so I wasn't worried for my safety, but I was paranoid about the police pulling me over and fining me and possibly taking the moped. At one point I passed some cops who had pulled someone over and I held my breathe the whole time. The rest of the ride my eyes are straining to identify the very few oncoming cars, trying to discern if they have police lights atop them or not. It's more stress on top of an already long and stressful night.

Finally, I'm about 2 miles from home when I pull up to a red light and get flagged down by a guy on foot. It's a little disconcerting to get flagged down at that hour (4:15 a.m.) on a moped with no protection, plus my brain is still woozy from lack of sleep. He comes up to me and says, "Can you call 911? I am suicidal and homicidal and a threat to myself and others." He says it calmly, matter-of-factly, with no aggression or impairment. Still, it is jarring and frightening to hear that from another person in the dead of night on a solitary road, on an exposed vehicle. He also tells me that he attacked or kicked another car that refused to call 911 for him. So, I tell him sure, but that I'm going to pull ahead a little and that he should just wait at the intersection. I proceed to call and give the information to the police, but as I'm doing that he calmly walks over to where I am pulled over. He hands me his id card so i can identify him, and tells me what he is wearing as the police are asking for a description. He's just a kid, 19 years old, five feet tall. They ask if he has any weapons and he tells me no. He is still totally calm and collected. Finally they ask if I am going to wait with him for the police to show up and I tell them no (I'm both a little sketched out and still wary of interacting with the police with my headlight out.) But before I can go, a cruiser pulls up behind me, and shortly thereafter an ambulance. The kid tells the cop that he just got released from the hospital and has overdosed on his pills and gives a list of all the pills he has taken. When the cop asks when, he looks at his watch and says five minutes ago. He repeats the part about being a threat to himself and other and tells the cop about attacking the other car. He then asks if he can ask which hospital to go to, and says his preference is a hospital 20 miles away in a suburban town. I am both amazed and bewildered by how calm and collected he is. What kind of situation is he in that he is so desperate to get checked into a psychiatric ward? Finally, I ask the cop if I can leave and take off. It's about 4:40 a.m. when I finally get home.

It's a crazy story and an experience I won't soon forget. I am left wondering how bad things must be to make you approach strangers in the middle of the night in order to get into a hospital and off the streets. I hope the kid gets the help he needs and doesn't simply become a statistic. I'm also grateful that I haven't reached that point yet.

In other news, I had my final official interaction with my EW yesterday. It was the first time we have interacted in months, and the first since the D became official. We met at a notary to sign the quitclaim deed that transferred the ownership of the house into my name alone. I also gave her the check to buy out her portion of the house. She gave me her key to the house and the wedding ring which she had kept. She also tried to give back the engagement ring, but I refused it. She was tearful throughout the process, walking away after signing the deed so that she could cry. When we sat down on a bench outside afterwards to exchange the ring/check/key she was also emotional. It was hard. My father just celebrated his 75th birthday and she had written him a letter. I asked her to please not contact my family, and she burst in to tears, asking if they hated her that much. I told her no, that it was for me. I was calm and composed, with my guard up throughout the conversation. There is no point in making myself vulnerable to her at this point. I know that I came across as a bit cold and business-like in the face of her emotion. But what would have been the point in allowing myself to be emotional there? I was hurting for sure, but that isn't her problem any more than her sadness is mine.

The school year just ended which is both great (no stress) and frightening (lots of time to ruminate). Last year I embarked on an epic road trip which was a great project. This year, I have yet to make any plans. I'd like to get up to Alaska to visit a friend, but it seems like a pipe dream at the moment. I may buy a car, but my financial situation is tighter than I would like after buying my EW out of the house. That precludes any easy road trips to the mountains unless I rent a vehicle. Right now my goal is to practice yoga every day, to read a book or two a week, to clean up the house from top to bottom, to take care of the yard.

Dating has been rather lame. I've given up on the 2nd professor. We exchange some texts but in my mind that's not going anywhere so I don't worry about it. I was chatting with one very interesting doctor, but she freaked out when I texted her and woke her at 11 p.m. during a week that she was on call. I always turn my phone off when I go to bed, so it didn't occur to me that it could be an issue. She ignored me at first and then when I followed up, she expressed her (great) annoyance and called off the date we had planned. Perhaps I dodged a bullet there. I did go on two dates this week but both were flops with no chemistry. I have also been surprised by the number of women that have responded to initial inquiries, started conversations, and then ghosted - five or six just in the last couple of weeks. It's a bit disheartening.

I am grateful for this forum for the opportunity to share these feelings. It's a good outlet, and I hope that I provide some entertainment/amusement for others as they navigate these difficult times.

[Davide]

FS,

Thanks for the reply! I 100% agree that building a wall around my heart/emotions when dealing with EW is nothing more than self-preservation. I think that opening up and being vulnerable to the right person is absolutely crucial. In dating, I have tried to be as open as possible, but it takes time to reach a level of intimacy where complete vulnerability is appropriate.

I am sorry for your creepy guy experiences. I hear that a lot from women here and on-line. It seems like a sad and sexist reality that women have to put up with if they go the OLD route. I wish I knew how to change it beyond simply not acting like jerk myself.

Regarding your comment on men in their 40s, I am a man in my 40's but I have no kids and would like to have a family so 40-41 tends to be my upper limit. At this point I tend to date women without children, although the most serious relationship I had (2 months dating) was with a woman with a three year old. For me dating someone with older children would just require a significant mind shift in terms of what my vision of the future looks like (and I feel like we would be at very different stages of life). For the right person I am open to it, but it's hard to imagine right now.

In terms of your guidelines I am with you completely. The body-focused response don't even merit a response, and anyone who is putting serious expectations on a R before even meeting is way too "thirsty" for a relationship. You wouldn't believe how many women have trouble holding up their end of the conversation as well. So many one line replies, or lots of talk about themselves but a complete inability to ask questions about the other person. On the flip side, I have had a number of dates where the woman absolutely loved the date because I was present, actively listening, asking follow-up questions, and contributing my own stories. On some of them I didn't feel any chemistry and knew right away that I didn't want to pursue a relationship, but I was still going to try to have a good conversation and enjoy the evening.

Good luck with it. It's nice to swap stories and realize that I'm not the only one out there struggling with it!

[ovrrnbw]

Your XW is a little different...strange that she still wants to use you to get her negative feelings out. It seems really rude and inconsiderate given her whole "I want a divorce" mindset.

As for the interaction with the deranged guy, hahaha wow holy crap. I'm glad it turned out ok but I would have been worried about him doing something dangerous.

Have you considered any side work for extra money this summer? Or is more worthwhile to spend your time elsewhere?

I gotta hit the hot yoga this week at least once, that was as hard as I've worked out in a while and I'm glad you posted about it in your thread.

[NicoleR]

Hi Davide,

I just want to say a quick hi. I read your updates today. There's so much going on in your life. So many transitions. I feel sad to hear of your divorce but it's also a huge achievement that you survived the process!! In some ways it's so lonely to be without a partner and not having anyone promising on the horizon but on the other hand it's almost part of the healing process to be alone for a while. It's a strange time in life for sure. I hope your summer break gives you a chance to meet someone special. You can always look outside your immediate geographic area! It honestly sounds tiring to go on multiple dates but I admire your openness to meeting many women and giving each a chance. When you find the right person I'm sure everything will fall into place. I bet you'll feel the happiest you ever felt when that finally happens!

[Davide]

Ovr,

To be fair, XW never pushed for divorce and actually told me she wasn't ready for it. But your point stands since she did push to leave the MR and never showed any desire to return. I have never doubted the sincerity of her emotions, but she is overly led by them and has trouble seeing past them to the point where it could be considered self-centered. She is hurting just like I am hurting over the death of the MR which is fine, the only thing I object to is her dumping those emotions on me.

Nah, I'm not going to work this summer, outside of maybe teaching a week long class at the end of the summer to pick up a grand or so. I'd rather have the freedom to travel, to do what I want when I want. I'm not in a bad financial situation with a super cheap mortgage and few expenses outside of dating, it's just that I depleted the vast majority of my savings to buy her out. I am very frugal and can live on next to nothing and have a very steady if not impressive paycheck.

Good on you with the yoga! My goal is every day that is feasible, even if it just means me practicing in the garage at my parents's place!

Nicole,

Thanks for popping back up. I really value your opinion. More than anything else I miss the intimacy, of having "your person" who you could always turn to when you needed a sympathetic ear or hug. Honestly, going out on dates isn't really tiring, I get energized from it because I almost always have interesting conversations. It looks like I will have 3-4 in the coming week which is cool. Getting ghosted and navigating the texting stage is the disheartening part because everything always starts promising, but it so rarely leads anywhere.


One thing I forgot to mention earlier is that while I signed a contract at my school I still have a placement agency sending me referrals to schools. Of course at this time of the year the referrals have slowed from 5-6 a day to 1 or 2 a week since it is so late. I had more or less decided to come back, unless something spectacular came up. On Friday, the last day of school, I got a new referral which was actually for the school in NYC where I worked for most of my twenties. It was the best job I ever had with amazing colleagues (one of whom is the MS principal currently.) If it were a serious possibility I would definitely at least consider it. However, at this point it just means that they sent my materials (CV/resume and reference letters) to the school. The school itself hasn't actually indicated any interest, and they might not be interested since they have had openings in the past that they didn't consider me for. However, it is also really late in the hiring season for them, so they most likely don't have their pick of the best candidates at this point. I generally don't reach out to schools and let them come to me if they are interested, but I might make an exception in this case. No matter what, I'm going to approach it from a place of no expectations. Most likely nothing comes of it, and if it does progress I'll deal with it as it comes.

[neffer]

Life and expectations dear brother. You are at peace where you are. Freely moving forward, facing life with all conscience and honesty.

Relax D. Enjoy your present. Have a nice holidays.

Remember you have a place here if you ever decide to come back south.

Where´s the dog?

[Davide]

Thanks!

I was looking at flying down to Peru, but it is really pricey now. If I could get a good flight I'd be happy to spend some time down in the land of mate.

The dog is still with me. I haven't been able to spend as much time with her, and no car means no trips to the dog park. Yesterday when I went to my backyard in the morning I discovered a present on the ground - a rather large, dead rabbit!

[neffer]

It´s almost winter here. Wait for the summer.

Poor rabbit. We have 2 boxers at home. I know what you are talking about...

(((D)))

[FlySolo]

I get your hesitation. I really really do. I imagine that is the reason that there is a big gap in the age range of men who have shown an interest. Younger men have the same vision of the future as you (home, kids, dog), but feel that is something to worry about when they are 'grow up' (i.e. in their 30's). I was the same at that age. I do get older men too but they are significantly older and looking for someone to retire with. I am not looking for forever (so older men are out) and I am not looking for casual (which is what the younger men seem to have in mind) so, right now, am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Limbo, but now a different sort.

Anyway, I have pretty much rejected everything that has come through in the last three days but will keep the profile up on the off chance someone suitable comes along. I'll give it till the end of the month.

I am going to Peru next year. Planning on climbing a mountain . Was thinking Feb. Neff - any good that time of year?

[neffer]

I´m further south FS and it´s over the Atlantic coast. If you come close just come by. All DB bros and sis have a place to stay where I live.

Peru is a beautiful place to go all year long. If you plan to go to Machu Pichu they say it´s better to visit between April and October. It´s the dry season so there´s little rain. You can climb your mountain then. If you go there in summer (J, Feb, M) you´ll find some rain and some occasional flooding (mainly in the mountains and the Titicaca lake).