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Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2861569
08/16/19 02:25 AM
08/16/19 02:25 AM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 6,458
Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline
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Ready2Change  Offline
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Colorado
Originally Posted by Rick71
I need to continue reading over all this and let it sink in.


Read this thread and all the threads linked in the first post:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2846984


The best thing you can do is arm yourself with information. The hard part is that you then have SO MANY CHOICES on how to respond making it harder to decide.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2861645
08/16/19 04:37 PM
08/16/19 04:37 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,054
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sandi2 Offline
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sandi2  Offline
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How about doing an ole switcharoo? The next time she makes her usual visit, she sees you all spruced up wearing a new shirt and smelling good with a different cologne than your usual brand. Within just a few minutes of her arrival, you inform her you are going out and there's probably something to eat in the frig. Don't be sarcastic or cold. In fact, act as if you are excited to be going out. If she asks questions about where you're going, and who you are going with (and she will)..........be vague in your answers. I'm not telling you to lie, I'm suggesting you be a little mysterious and don't give her details.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: sandi2] #2861665
08/16/19 06:36 PM
08/16/19 06:36 PM
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Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline
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Colorado
Originally Posted by sandi2
In fact, act as if you are excited to be going out. If she asks questions about where you're going, and who you are going with (and she will)..........be vague in your answers. I'm not telling you to lie, I'm suggesting you be a little mysterious and don't give her details.


Like this:

H:"W, I am headed out. There is fried chicken in the fridge." Start walking out
W:"Where are you going?"
H:"Meeting some friends" Keep walking.
W:"Who?"
H:"You don't know them"


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Ready2Change] #2862232
08/21/19 01:27 PM
08/21/19 01:27 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,054
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sandi2 Offline
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sandi2  Offline
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How about an update, Rick?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2862356
08/22/19 02:57 AM
08/22/19 02:57 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
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Rick71 Offline OP
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Rick71  Offline OP
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St Louis, MO
Hi Sandi, didn't realize it had been 5 days since my last post.

So, this past weekend, she had been home more than she has since before the BD. She still went to her friends house after bowling and drinking on Wednesday but came home after work on Thursday, and was home Friday and Saturday. Still having conversations with her, she usually comes to me to talk as I intentionally avoid the room she's in most times to give her space. What I really enjoy about talking with her now than what is was before is there's a lot more eye contact and engagement in the conversation. Before the BD, our talks also included us with phones in hand and eyes on our phones, although it may have been more me than her not paying enough attention when we would talk.

I'm still working on GAL. Thinking about buying a guitar and taking lessons, always wanted but never did. Went clothes shopping and bought a bunch of new stuff. I had left the bag of new shirts and pants by the laundry hamper and I could tell she was curious as she had looked thru it. I've always worn just jeans and tshirts for just about everything, plus they didn't fit as well as they should. Ended up with several new button up collared shirts and good fitting pants. Felt good shopping for just me.

I've given it no more thought about getting her to reconcile or move out. I realize it's only been 6 weeks since the BD and I need to give things more time.

Not sure if it means anything or not, but I head off to bed before she does and occasionally I'll tell her good night. A few weeks ago her tone sounded kind of reluctant in her reply, but the last few times she's had a softer more caring tone when she responds. I'm sure it doesn't mean anything more than shes just more comfortable with our current situation.

So for now I'm just going to keep doing what I've been doing. Probably going to have an evening out with a couple friends for drinks, still working out and running and hopefully learning to play the guitar.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2862547
08/23/19 01:20 PM
08/23/19 01:20 PM
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Posts: 18,054
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sandi2 Offline
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sandi2  Offline
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Good to hear from you.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2862560
08/23/19 02:34 PM
08/23/19 02:34 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 233
United Kingdom
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DaB35 Offline
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Originally Posted by Rick71

Thinking about buying a guitar and taking lessons, always wanted but never did. Went clothes shopping and bought a bunch of new stuff.


Music really helps. I do it in my spare time (for me, piano and percussion, plus I write music too). It just takes you to a better place, and you feel a real sense of achievement when learning an instrument and progressing.

New Clothes shopping is a must. It was my birthday recently and I got about 120 in total from family members. I bought new trousers and shirts and cleared out old stuff and gave them to charity. It felt great; you will see it will improve your confidence and you will feel more like "go get em" when you're out in public.

Get that guitar!


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: DaB35] #2862607
08/23/19 07:19 PM
08/23/19 07:19 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
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Rick71 Offline OP
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Rick71  Offline OP
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St Louis, MO
Getting new clothes felt really good. I had gotten to the point I was wearing mostly jeans and tshirts, and the t's were a size too big because I had gained weight over the years and developed a gut. Larger t's hide it a bit better. But since the BD, I've been eating better and working out. Getting into clothes that fit better has improved my self confidence.

Now I just need to start the guitar lessons.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2862628
08/24/19 02:52 AM
08/24/19 02:52 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
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Rick71 Offline OP
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Rick71  Offline OP
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St Louis, MO
So, I have a question about my sitch with my W in regards to my children, D22, S18. Does the WW/WAW usually withdraw from the children as well?

My D is in the Navy about 2000 miles away, so we may only see her once a year. Today my D was group texting me and my W about her job and a couple of new pets. My W never responded to any of my D's texts, only I did. I asked my D about it and she told me my wife doesn't respond to many of her texts, she also has trouble getting my W on the phone. My D said it's been like this for almost the past year.

My S leaves for the Airforce basic training in November and my wife hasn't mentioned anything about wanting to spend time with our S before he leaves. She does see him the 2-3 or so days shes home during the week during dinner but that's it. She's been gone every weekend for the past several weeks so she leaves no time to spend with him.

Is this normal for a W in my sitch or could there be something else causing her distance herself from the kids?

Thank you in advance for ant responses.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2862637
08/24/19 11:24 AM
08/24/19 11:24 AM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 155
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jac12 Offline
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My W is the same. Pulled away from me and our S2 and continues to put her own needs well above his. She gave up one of her limited days with our S2 just because she wanted to hang out with her "friends" in the city. Likely she's having an affair and everything to do with our family just gets in the way of that life for her.

Priorities are obviously out of whack. Who knows why and better not to even try to figure it out.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
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