I have no idea how to react today. I left the house before anyone else was awake. It is so difficult not acknowledging the signifigance of this day. It is our 22nd anniversary but there is nothing happy about it.
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
Hey Bhuda. My 12th anniversary was on Sunday. I completely ignored it. I played an early round of golf and had lunch with friends, then took my Ds to the pool. It was a great day of GAL! My thoughts were like yours: There is nothing to celebrate at this moment. If we reconcile, we can make up for it on a future anniversary. But at this point, I felt like even acknowledging the day would be tacitly approving W's behavior. Plus, it was a total 180 over last year's anniversary, which was a mere three days after BD, and I practically begged to celebrate. I wish I had done it right the first time.
That said, I did get this comment from a pro on my sitch:
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
I don't disagree. But I will say when our anniversary came up a few months after BD (we were separated by then) I tried a slightly different approach, I told my XW "I know given our situation that exchanging gifts doesn't make sense, but it seems inappropriate to just ignore our anniversary too so how about we just go have a friendly dinner?" And we did and it was fine. I had zero expectations and of course it didn't change anything, but I did it for ME and I have no regrets. If I had done nothing then I would have felt guilty about it, but that's me. Do what you feel is best for you.
Do what is best for you. That is what we all need to remember at every stage in this process. Good luck to you.
Last edited by WillD78; 08/31/1801:17 PM. Reason: corrected typo
Me: 40 W:39 T: 19 M: 12 D4, D7 EA/BD: August 2017 EA ended: Oct 2017 MC: Oct 2017 - March 2018 W signed lease: July 10, 2018 W moved out: Sept. 14, 2018
I am back I have been living my life. The living situation has not changed however I have proof that she has been having an affair and I know the affair started well before the bomb drop. Tonight I am going to confront her in a calm and level headed manner. I have suspected the affair for a while and I apologize for not divulging this earlier.
Obviously because I have suspected this i am not shocked. I have done so much thinking and I do know that if I do not approach the subject in a calm and controlled manner she will get defensive. I suspect she will become very defensive. Especially if I become angry. I know yelling and screaming will not help. I will provide the proof to her after what I expect will be another denial.
I will do my best to keep keep the conversation cordial and calm. If I feel I am about to get angry I will pause, ask her to excuse me for a bit and I will request she does the same.
I must ease into the conversation, however when I am done speaking she has to make a choice immediately. We share ownership of the house and since she wants to end the marriage, I will suggest she move out immediately. I do not want the marriage to end, even after this realization. My love for her is unconditional
I do not want her to go. Do I give her a choice. The choice is 1) She leaves asap (I will not live under the same roof if she plans to continue the affair., 2) She breaks off the affair, together we wright the letter, I deliver it, I watch her block his number, emails and any other social media accounts. She must stop all contact. I will also require full transparency going forward. She must give me access to her email passwords as well and in return I will do the same.
Please I hope I can get some guidance because I have my reasons for having the discussion tonight
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
"I know what is going on and I want you out of the house by the end of the day tomorrow." I assume you've already booted her out of the MBR?
Do not be the one to bring up breaking off the affair. That is for her to decide. So for you EXECUTE #1, do not talk about it. Do not bring up #2 at all, let her bring that up.
Control what YOU can control. "I will not live in the same house as a cheater." Let her control what she can control, which is either moving out or offering to break off the affair.
Otherwise you are trying to control HER. Don't do that. That never works in these situations.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
May I ask why I should not provide proof. Has nothing to do with invasion of privacy. The proof I have are receipts and phone records and other hard evidence. No private investigator or that obtrusive
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
Because if you show her your evidence, you can count on the A going even more covert. We advocate NOT showing evidence so that you can verify that it is really over in the event that she says she wants to stay.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Remember, be an alpha male. Don't go to her about this being sad and pathetic. Be resolute. Firm. Not mean, but not necessarily kind either. A little anger (not yelling, but keeping your expression serious) will help.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
