As you can tell I am new here but I have been reading this forum for the last month. A little background, my W and I have been married since Jan. 2008, dated for 2 years beforehand. I am about to be 33 next month and she is 31. we have one D who is 11. We had the best life anyone could ask for, we were happy, physically and emotionally so I thought. Approximately beginning of June 2019 was when I found out the ILYBNILWY. I cried my eyes out, plead, begged and everything else. She basically told me that she has no emotionally feelings for me at all because I emotionally neglected her, that she been bottling it up for the past 3-4 years. I asked why didn't you bring this up before and she gets loud, "I did and you called me a bunch of names and so forth." I do admit that I emotionally neglected her at times - I have been in the military for roughly 8 years and diagnosed with PTSD but I know that doesn't give me a reason to not show her the love and feelings. I just didn't know how all the time with all the [censored] I been through. When she looks at me it feels like I am staring into an empty soul, so cold and dark. Before all this, I saw nothing but happiness in her eyes now its like a completely different person. I did all the "don'ts" when I found out the ILYBNILWY than found this site and bought the book DR. I read almost the whole book the first day but still have hard time knowing what to implement. I can't even touch her without her shrugging my hand off. She won't even look at me. What makes it harder is that I am dying inside and it seems like everything with her is flowers and roses. She started sleeping in the basement the next day after she told me the ILYBNILWY and I stay in the MBR, everything is so awkward now - we barely talk, if we do it feels weird. She already printed out and started filling out divorce papers, rented an apartment and will be moving out the second week of August. I just don't get how 10+ years of marriage goes down the drain like that, like it meant nothing to her. She even go a new phone line, I have a gut feeling there maybe an EA - but I don't want to believe it. She takes her phone EVERYWHERE. Before if she went to the bathroom, or anywhere else around the house she would just leave it be, now its glued to her hands. I try not to let it bother me but it does. Last night, I went to the basement and she was on the couch like she is video chatting or something with earbuds on and I asked who you talking to - she said your aunt but supposedly my aunt hung up right when she heard my voice and she flipped her phone over face down on the couch. I don't know what to do. I tried to GAL but my mind just keeps coming back to her. I exercise about 5 times a week but my mind keeps racing back to her. I'm trying to reach a point where when she leaves next month, that I'll be okay knowing that I tried to work this out. But also need to work on myself and mainly my relationship with my daughter.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Before I read DR, I asked her for reassurance, bought her some gifts - after reading it just shows my desperation and how weak I am. I even asked her why can't we just try to work it out and her response is basically "I am done, nothing will change my mind." I still love her so much, I don't want to lose her but also trying to tell myself to prepare for it. Every weekend she has been gone to my AUNTs house, Friday-Sunday. I don't even text or call her but since I emotionally neglected her in one way or another I feel like that's counter intuitive to do that since that is what she wants anyway. Since she is moving out the second week of August, it maybe a little easier (hopefully) since I won't see her daily. I am just trying to take this day by day. I just never saw this coming, it sure did blind side me.
Sorry you are here. But you are in the right place. I would read DR again. I think you read it too fast. Because asking her who she is video chatting with is not part of DBing. Those are behaviors you need to drop.
I can almost guarantee you an EA. And I would argue that it is probably already a PA. Women do not need their own place to work on the marriage, or find themselves. They need their own place to sleep with other people.
But right now your concern is to focus on YOURSELF. GAL.....no excuses, just do it. Detach. This is so important, you have to remove your emotions from her craziness. You also need to 180 on the bad behavior from the past...for YOU, not her.
You also need to talk to a lawyer. If she is already drawing up divorce papers you need legal advice. Divorce is a legal process, and you need a lawyer for that. Do not let her try to do a "let's keep lawyers out of this" that so many WWs pull. You have to protect yourself. Schedule free consultations with lawyers. I called an ADAM lawyer in my sitch, and the reality of the process helped me, and scared my WW.
Feel free to bounce questions off of us. Most of us have been there. Read other people's sitches, you can learn a lot be reading what other people are going through, and the advice they are receiving.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve85, Thanks for the response. I agree, I need to reread DR over again. I was most likely in the quick fix syndrome and just wanted everything to be ok. About her getting her own apartment, she first stated "I don't feel comfortable living in this house." Than the whole secretive phone stuff, that's when EA/and or PA started to play in my head. Oh yeah, always on snapchat also. I would have to agree with needing her own place just so she can see other people. I don't see how she would just take something on like that financially when its not official yet. I do need to start GAL for myself and daughter. I just find it difficult at the moment because for the past 10 years it was just her, my daughter and I going out for anything and every little thing. She already mentioned that she doesn't want lawyers involved also. I think I know one who is my friends husband, maybe I'll see if he can give me advice.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Is there any chance that your aunt and her are lesbians?
I don't believe so. She did experiment with other females before we go married but nothing since. Its more of a distant aunt, I don't know if she is going over there to possibly see the OM - I just have no way of proving it. A part of me wants to know for sure but another don't want to know about it at all. I'm just so confused at the moment.
Stop using PTSD as a reason for anything IMO. I read where it has caused your relationship problems but not where you are getting treatment, or explained the trauma. When my sitch started, I was using crappy life events to explain and justify and cope with all the pain of my sitch. I see a lot of people do that, so it's relatively normal and I don't hate you for it or anything, but I do see some strength in your post so I think you need to bring that part of you out more.
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I can't even touch her without her shrugging my hand off. She won't even look at me.
OK, so this clearly isn't working so don't do this anymore. It's making her feel the pressure.
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I have a gut feeling there maybe an EA - but I don't want to believe it. She takes her phone EVERYWHERE.
99% of them do. Just the way it is. And every LBS (left behind spouse) thinks their spouse is the 1%.
[quote[I try not to let it bother me but it does.[/quote]Focus on this attitude, for everything she does. Michele explains her stop sign technique to stop negative thoughts from flowing freely. I use it a lot. But really, you can't let what others do affect you.
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I don't know what to do. I tried to GAL but my mind just keeps coming back to her. I exercise about 5 times a week but my mind keeps racing back to her. I'm trying to reach a point where when she leaves next month, that I'll be okay knowing that I tried to work this out. But also need to work on myself and mainly my relationship with my daughter.
You answered your own question there, good going! You know what to do. If you remember the last resort technique from the book, just do that. Stop pursuing, GAL, wait and see. Don't be home when she is home. Take a change of clothes and go out to eat, walk through town, get a drink or two, see a play, take a cooking/dancing/whatever class, stay out until it's almost bedtime. These type of activities helped me and my sitch drastically. Walking downstairs to "her area" and asking her who she's talking to is working against you. Do you see the difference between the two?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
She already mentioned that she doesn't want lawyers involved also. I think I know one who is my friends husband, maybe I'll see if he can give me advice.
Who cares what she wants? She isn't calling the shots on this stuff. Be an alpha, take the bull by the horns. WWs always have a delusion of fast, easy, no-fuss divorces. It doesn't work that way! And when you talk to a lawyer, when she says "have you looked at the D papers yet?" When you say, "My lawyer is looking them over" the look on her face will be PRICELESS.Trust me on this.
The more you can DO (not say) to start to pop her fantasy bubble, the better.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I learned to stop using it. I been talking to my psychologist almost on a weekly, now bi weekly basis about treatment. And before this BD happened, I told her one of my symptoms I am trying to fix is how to show my feelings to my spouse more often. It helps to have someone who will just sit there and listen. I haven't told anyone about this sitch until yesterday because I had to get it off my chest, which was my younger brother and a close friend who is overseas. Venting was good in a way so I don't keep it bottled inside which is also why I am here - to seek advice, learn and grow.
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I can't even touch her without her shrugging my hand off. She won't even look at me.
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OK, so this clearly isn't working so don't do this anymore. It's making her feel the pressure.
I am working on this. It is a natural reaction for me to want to hold her or at least give her a hug when she is in the vicinity.
[quote[I try not to let it bother me but it does.[/quote]
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Focus on this attitude, for everything she does. Michele explains her stop sign technique to stop negative thoughts from flowing freely. I use it a lot. But really, you can't let what others do affect you.
The first week, I cried and hung on with dear life. It is getting a little easier to have a better attitude. I have days where I am a happy dude than next day, a freight train hits me out of no where. Its a see saw. I am going to reread DR, I maybe read it too quickly.
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I don't know what to do. I tried to GAL but my mind just keeps coming back to her. I exercise about 5 times a week but my mind keeps racing back to her. I'm trying to reach a point where when she leaves next month, that I'll be okay knowing that I tried to work this out. But also need to work on myself and mainly my relationship with my daughter.
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[/quote]You answered your own question there, good going! You know what to do. If you remember the last resort technique from the book, just do that. Stop pursuing, GAL, wait and see. Don't be home when she is home. Take a change of clothes and go out to eat, walk through town, get a drink or two, see a play, take a cooking/dancing/whatever class, stay out until it's almost bedtime. These type of activities helped me and my sitch drastically. Walking downstairs to "her area" and asking her who she's talking to is working against you. Do you see the difference between the two?
I know what to do but I'm so scared at the moment that its taking control of me. I stop pursuing for a couple days than the urge comes back stronger than ever. I try to fight it and I lose at times but win sometimes. Its a constant mental battle. I am definitely going to try and GAL more often, just need to figure out what my interest are - its been too long that I basically forgot what I enjoy doing solo. I walked downstairs last night because my mom called and ask her why my W cell phone doesn't work anymore. I know my mom picked up something was wrong but I still haven't told her yet. That was when she was talking to someone and immediately turned over the phone and said the other party hung up - when it was supposedly my aunt. I didn't ask if I can see or anything - I just find it strange that my Aunt would hang up when she heard my voice.
You'll get a lot of good advice here from people who have a lot of experience. The thing to keep in mind is that everyone's situations are slightly different - but the overwhelming majority of things that take place in everyone's relationships are very common.
Take time to breathe every day. Are you interested in meditating? It has helped me calm down greatly and it has eased my anxiety. I also have PTSD from my childhood and from the military. It has been significantly reduced by meditating. It is hard to do at first, but you will notice its effects after a week or so.
Also - if you find yourself starting to feel emotional around your W - remove yourself from her vicinity and get emotional somewhere you can be alone. This takes some getting used to but it is a good habit to develop and it will save you the indignity of seeing your W get disgusted with your feelings.
Realize that she is not having the same feelings as you. In her mind there is no R anymore - she has moved on already. This is hard to accept and it will take some time, but the sooner you can accept it the better you will feel.
Your emotions will be on a rollercoaster for a while. Controlling them is a struggle but it can be done. This takes time. Be patient with yourself and take care of yourself.
I see you are in IC - that's a good thing. Keep going. It will help you greatly.
If there are any questions you have feel free to ask. These are really great people here who want to help you.
