Persistent Endurance (Part 5)

[curtis7]

1-4 all suck.

Well, some version of them all worked for others here in the past. I'm not saying to deliver just the words. It is a starting point that prompts the action. For instance, in Puppy's case, he told his W he knew about her affair, then followed up by filing for D when she refused to end the A. In Bustorama's case, he told his W he was basically done, went NC for many weeks, then moved on to D. Both of them R.

So what can you do? Stop thinking about what to say and think about what you can do?

Here are some questions: How much are you charging her for boarding of the horses? Have you talked to a L? Does she have a key and come and goes as she wants? If so, why? I know early on there was talk about not being able to afford the house without her, is that still the case? If so why not put the house up for sale?

I can demand the horse is off the property, go NC, and/or file for D.

I'm still not charging for the horse. I've spoken with a L twice, may call again today to initiate some paperwork. She does have a key, but doesn't step foot in the house without asking first. I can probably afford the house without her but that would require giving up a lot of luxuries (travel, extra savings, dining out, etc.). I like my home and so do my kids, not ready to uproot them.

[ovrrnbw]

I think you should find another place for our horse as soon as possible. I want NO CONTACT with you except for emergency stuff about the kids to make it easier for me to move on."

If you're going to file, just file the D, send her the copy for her review with this message on a post it note. But call it "the" horse and not "our" horse.

Here's the thing Curtis, you spent so much time engrossed in her and put up with so much crap that now you are running the full opposite way. It's one extreme to the other, which is why I think you are getting some flack here. I can tell you really want her back. I know it, I feel it, sense it, whatever.

I think you should go NC with her, save for kids emergencies. Tell her to only contact you in case of emergency. And when she calls about something that's not an emergency, you tell her this is not an emergency and hang up. You need to do this for a little while IMO.

[curtis7]

If you're going to file, just file the D, send her the copy for her review with this message on a post it note. But call it "the" horse and not "our" horse.

Akkk, that was a typo, should have been "your" not "our".

Here's the thing Curtis, you spent so much time engrossed in her and put up with so much crap that now you are running the full opposite way. It's one extreme to the other, which is why I think you are getting some flack here. I can tell you really want her back. I know it, I feel it, sense it, whatever.

I think you should go NC with her, save for kids emergencies. Tell her to only contact you in case of emergency. And when she calls about something that's not an emergency, you tell her this is not an emergency and hang up. You need to do this for a little while IMO.

It may seem like I've gone from one extreme to the other. However, detachment has been improving for many months. There were occasional backslides and I certainly did not DB perfectly. I have slowly transformed since BD and it hasn't been an immediate 180. I have finally come to see reality for what it is and who she is right now. This plan has been in the works and I've extended my timeline because I thought there were some positive signs. However, I was fooled several times. I tried to be patient, but the disrespect is unending.

You get to a point where you can no longer tolerate being lied to, disrespected, cheated on, etc. It's saying to her: "I don't care what you do or who you do it with. You do what you want. I'm done. I want and deserve a better life for myself."

Everything I have discovered about her is so despicable and yet I do want her back. It makes no sense. I want a version of her back that no longer exists. I'm sick of the crap, the continued lies, deceit, and betrayal. I no longer feel like being a pawn in her game of multiple lives with OM. Each being fed a different story for her selfish desires. Getting the horse off property and NC with her will help me move forward. I don't want to see or speak with her. I understand your point on slowing down and trying NC. I plan to make my intentions known as respecting her choice and cutting off contact. Still mulling over the D filing in parallel decision. There are some factors in play that I need to discuss with a L.

[curtis7]

How about:

This arrangement isn’t working for me anymore. I have decided to move forward with the D process and would like us to come to an agreement on custody and finances so the lawyers don’t take all our money.

Less is more.

LH, thanks for the feedback. Goals of the message are for it to come across as confident and decisive, regain some respect for myself, and be accepting of her choice.

Updated script:

"This arrangement isn’t working for me anymore. I respect your decision to not work on our MR. I would have preferred to work things out, but I understand that is not what you want. I respect myself too much to continue waiting for someone that doesn't want to be with me. I realize that I could be waiting forever for that to happen and that's not fair to us or our family. I have decided to move forward with the D process and would like us to come to an agreement on custody and finances so the lawyers don’t take all our money. I think you should find another place for your horse as soon as possible. Only contact me if it's an emergency related to the kids as I feel that's what I need to move on."

[AnotherStander]

Updated script:

"This arrangement isn't working for me anymore. I respect your decision to not work on our MR. I would have preferred to work things out, but I understand that is not what you want. I respect myself too much to continue waiting for someone that doesn't want to be with me. I realize that I could be waiting forever for that to happen and that's not fair to us or our family. I have decided to move forward with the D process and would like us to come to an agreement on custody and finances so the lawyers don't take all our money. I think you should find another place for your horse as soon as possible. Only contact me if it's an emergency related to the kids as I feel that's what I need to move on."

First I would suggest talking to a lawyer and preparing a settlement agreement yourself. THEN talk to her. "W, this separation isn't working for me and I've decided to proceed with D. I've consulted a lawyer and here are the settlement papers, please review them and let me know if you are in agreement. Please find another place for your horse as soon as possible and let's limit contact from now on to either issues related to the kids or the divorce settlement."

Please understand you should NOT do this to "wake her up" because it probably won't.

Well, some version of them all worked for others here in the past. I'm not saying to deliver just the words. It is a starting point that prompts the action. For instance, in Puppy's case, he told his W he knew about her affair, then followed up by filing for D when she refused to end the A. In Bustorama's case, he told his W he was basically done, went NC for many weeks, then moved on to D. Both of them R.

But in both of those cases they filed because they were done with the BS and ready to move on. I'm not sure you are there yet, it sounds like for you this is just a trick to get her back. In that regard it will fail, and then what? You'll say "oops sorry I want a do-over, I'm not proceeding with D after all." Don't do that. Think long and hard about this, take a few weeks or even months to sort out if this (divorce) is really what you want. Because it probably IS what she wants, and she will fully support you doing all the work for her.

[joejoe1]

"This arrangement isn’t working for me anymore! I respect and accept your decision to not make our Marriage a priority. I respect myself too much to continue waiting for someone that doesn't want to be with me. I realize that I could be waiting forever for that to happen and that’s not what I want. I have decided to move forward with the D process and would like us to come to an agreement on custody and finances, keeping this process as simple as possible. I think you should find another place for your horse as soon as possible. Only contact me if it's an emergency in relation to our kids as I feel that's what I need to move on."

More to the point and less explaining.

[ovrrnbw]

OK, I'm with you now Curtis. Just be brief if you say anything. I still prefer the post it attached to D papers.

[SteveLW]

I still say action is better than words:

Filing for D and having her served > saying "I am moving forward with D."

Not answering your calls or texts unless questions directly about kids > saying "I think we should have no contact except for the kids."

Giving her a legal document stating the horse has to be moved > saying to her "You need to move the horse somewhere else."

COMMAND RESPECT.

[Tryhard]

I am going to jump in here Curtis . You TELL her “ I am not continuing with this situation. You have chosen someone else over me . My choice is to “ insert what you want moving forward without her in any way “ and do it . You are a great guy and deserve better . You can do it

[curtis7]

First I would suggest talking to a lawyer and preparing a settlement agreement yourself. THEN talk to her. "W, this separation isn't working for me and I've decided to proceed with D. I've consulted a lawyer and here are the settlement papers, please review them and let me know if you are in agreement. Please find another place for your horse as soon as possible and let's limit contact from now on to either issues related to the kids or the divorce settlement."

Please understand you should NOT do this to "wake her up" because it probably won't.

AS, I do like your suggestion of having a draft settlement agreement prepared when I deliver the message. It shows action has been taken, not just words. The wording is a bit too business like for me though. It’s important to me to tell her that I’m doing this out of respect for myself and that I accept her decision to not work on the MR. I feel that must be said for closure.

Well, some version of them all worked for others here in the past

But in both of those cases they filed because they were done with the BS and ready to move on. I'm not sure you are there yet, it sounds like for you this is just a trick to get her back. In that regard it will fail, and then what? You'll say "oops sorry I want a do-over, I'm not proceeding with D after all." Don't do that. Think long and hard about this, take a few weeks or even months to sort out if this (divorce) is really what you want. Because it probably IS what she wants, and she will fully support you doing all the work for her.

AS, I must say that you have a knack for getting the LBS to think long and hard before making a major decision. There have been a few occasions where I’ve read your posts and put the brakes on steps I thought I was ready to take. I appreciate that and I can see you are a strong supporter of giving these sitches time and letting them play out. Probably because you know that these affairs don’t last 9 times out of 10.

I am done with the BS and perpetual lies. This is not a trick and I am okay with the outcome of D at this point. I haven’t seen genuine change in her or desire to ever want to be with me again. Since BD, I have confirmed at least 3 PAs (and suspect at least 2 more), online dating with a few other men, sexting fantasies with people she’s never met, gaslighting, physical separation, loss of my kids 50% of the time, cake eating, and the selfishness persists. I just ask myself why would I elect to continue a MR with this person. Have you ever seen a WW come back and want to R with a track record such as hers? I would need a REAL apology where she feels remorse for the pain her choices caused me before I would entertain that notion. So far, I’ve received nothing more than a half-hearted fake apology for the ONS with the pickup artist way back on Valentine’s Day.