you should have plans on times like these instead of tagging along on hers with no plans. So in the future, make your own plans first. Not that you can't ever do anything together, just take care of you first.
As for her saying you are acting strange, well you just got told you can get a divorce for $100. Maybe you shouldn't be acting happy to see her. That's not detachment.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
JB... Stop being her doormat and trying to “nice” her back. IT WON’T WORK. If you believe anything, believe that. You have to detach and GAL. Treat her like you would a neighbour or a co-worker... polite, respectful but not overly emotionally involved. Make plans, get out of the house...make her wonder what you are up to. Don’t do it to win her back. Do it to get you back. If she comes back and you still want her, that’s a bonus. Trust the people on here. Think about what is attractive... a guy hovering around hoping you will toss him a few crumbs or a guy who is confident and too busy to worry about what you are doing. Trust me... it is the latter. “You always want what you can’t have”... this is just human nature. Good luck.
What if she’s putting all her unhappiness on me because i’m the easiest part of her life to change? She can’t change her dad being dead, no matter how unhappy or depressed she is about it, she can change jobs but she would still have to have money coming in so finding another job would be too risky and could put her back in the same position, then there’s me, she doesn't need me, so it’s easy to peg all her unhappiness, depression, and anxiety on me then cut me out with the hope that she will be cutting out all that bad stuff in her life when she does..could that be it? She’s been late for work a lot since her dad died, and that’s very unlike her, if she’s late or calls out one more time she’s fired. She told me that and i offered to help make sure she gets up on time, normally she gets up on her own..could i be right? And if so, what can i do to make her realize why she’s really unhappy and depressed
What if she’s putting all her unhappiness on me because i’m the easiest part of her life to change? She can’t change her dad being dead, no matter how unhappy or depressed she is about it, she can change jobs but she would still have to have money coming in so finding another job would be too risky and could put her back in the same position, then there’s me, she doesn't need me, so it’s easy to peg all her unhappiness, depression, and anxiety on me then cut me out with the hope that she will be cutting out all that bad stuff in her life when she does..could that be it? She’s been late for work a lot since her dad died, and that’s very unlike her, if she’s late or calls out one more time she’s fired. She told me that and i offered to help make sure she gets up on time, normally she gets up on her own..could i be right?
Jb - I went through 100 different theories and in the end it doesn't matter. You are right - she is pegging you as the cause of her unhappiness. So what can you do about it? Definitely don't try to convince her she is wrong, that will only convince her she is right.
One of the points of DB-ing is to move on with your life. Maybe then she will realize, on her own, that you didn't cause all the unhappiness.
Originally Posted by Jb2019
And if so, what can i do to make her...
STOP right there mister =) ! You can't make her anything. You can't make her feel anything, do anything, nothing. Let her be. What is, is. "Make her" = Control, that attitude alone is a problem in this situations.
But to address Unchiens post I'd recommend reading the chapter "It takes one to tango". You don't have carte blanche over her, but you can help her realize this IMO. The best way to do is to remove yourself from the equation. If you aren't part of the equation that should magically fix things right? When things still suck then she may realize it's not all you..and she may deny it forever which is why you should detach.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
A few updates, she got me a draw on map for my upcoming birthday (i love maps), the other night she told me where she was going and who she was going with, without me asking or anything. She’s had me be a DD some of the nights she goes out, and also it’s like she’s starting to depend on me to make sure she gets up on time. She also gave me a task to do for monday, taking her car to get the brakes checked. Then today as i was laying down she asked if i was going to go in the kitchen to talk to her grandmother who was visiting for dinner.. she hasn’t had any flare up of talks about divorce of me leaving. Is this a good sign that things are improving? Or just wishful thinking on my part? I had a thought, she’s always been really good at saving and budgeting money, so if she wanted to get a divorce she would’ve been able to by now, but she keeps buying stuff, if i leave she definitely won’t be able to afford it since she’ll have to pay more on all the bills. She also still has us as married on facebook, and her mom and grandmother aren’t acting any different towards me even though my wife said she had told her family..So to ask again, is this a good sign or wishful thinking?
JB it’s typically frowned upon to be always available for her. How will she have a chance to miss you if you are always available to her. I know you feel like you need to help her, but she expressed that she no longer wants you as a husband, so why should you still do things for her that a husband does for a wife. She wants to fire you as a husband, then she shouldn’t have you available to do husbandly things for her. I think you need to be busier with GAL.
Often times things improve when you remove pressure. But at the end of the day it will be her decision to work on the M or to end the M. All you can do is become the best JB you can, 180, GAL, remove pressure and PMA.
I knows it’s tough man. I did well DBing for a month and a half. Things were immensely better and she was even intimate with me. But she still moved out. Things may seem good or bad at times but it won’t help your emotional well-being to read into her words or actions. Try not to worry about what she is thinking. It will get easier with time.
Why is she sending mixed signals? Good things happen but then today she said we need to talk discuss the living arrangements.. that knocked me back down, i don’t even know what to say or how to react. I’ve been trying to do the right things and improve myself, i even handled things very well when she brought this up last week, the living arrangements and divorce. I let her know i’m devoted to changing for myself as well as for her so i can still be happy no matter what she decides. She’s been very unlike herself, hasn’t been saving money or spending wisely, oversleeping, like she’s a different person.
