I think I’m prepared to be patient, I know my sitch is short, but the financial aspect of it changes things a bit. How should I go about having that conversation LH? “I know that if we D I will be responsible for less support than I am giving you now. I think I should be paying X amount to you per month.”
Lol that was interesting. So yeah I said. “When we D I will be paying X amount. I want to change the agreement so I am paying X amount.
Her: “Okay Hallzy. When we D the support amount will be figured out at that time. My L said it would be more.”
Me: “My lawyer showed me X amount. I think we should do a settlement soon.”
Her: “Can we talk about this tomorrow.”
Not sure why but I felt okay with this. I don’t like the situation I’m in. If we were to D soon, nothing in my life would change compared to how it is now. I don’t like the feeling of waiting around and want to get on with my L. WW is still deep in the fog I believe and her new behavior and loss of her previous morals is incredibly unattractive to me. Until she does some inward thinking and improves herself,I don’t want to have an R with that person. May have jumped the gun here but I feel okay with what I said. I guess we will see what happens tomorrow but she seemed like she wanted to avoid the conversation. Thanks
Hallzy is this a legal separation or a trial separation right now? Just curious what you documented with regards to finances during your situation.
In my state they have calculators for D, but I am fully expecting if we end up going down this route we will be in a legal tug-of-war because the calculators are just "guidelines" and then the L's get involved and the support payments going to the L's just ramp up.
Hey LH, not looking for a reaction, just kinda over my sitch at this point and said what I felt. We could D tomorrow and nothing would change for me. I’m perfectly fine with Ding at this point because we have basically been Ded the past few months in all ideology but not legally. I was hoping to see improvements but I have seen none in her. I on the other hand have made many incredible changes and feel that I am the best version of myself I have been in years. Like I said in my last post, I have no interest in R with the person she has become.
Hey U, it’s just a trial separation but we drew up an agreement before she moved out. Yeah my L put the rough numbers through the calculator which is what I’m going off. I definitely feel that I’m currently paying more than I should which is limiting me in other areas of life. I would prefer to avoid a crazy legal battle that would cost a lot. I need to do some research and see if I can make this process cost effective.
Hallzy - I have heard of a process called "collaborative divorce" which is somewhere between mediation and going to court. There is still a mediator, but each side has advisors helping them out. In some cases these things get crazy - lawyers, advisors, psychiatrists, etc. In your scenario, perhaps you could agree to mediation with separate financial reps advising you on that part of the process. Check out CDFAs (I think that's what they are called). Talk to your mediator, together, about your options?
Ultimately I would expect you will need to compromise somewhat because those calculators can be tuned to spit out quite a range of numbers.
Awesome thanks for the info U. I will look into it. W had asked that we talk about it today. But as I am LRT I’m not gonna text her first lol. They say actions over words so I guess i will start researching and calling mediators to get the ball rolling.
After LH asked me if I wanted D, I replied that I could be patient. But after thinking about it for a bit I realized how numb I am to the idea of D. A few months ago D scared me and I wanted to do anything to avoid it. Now I just think how even if we Ded, nothing in my life would change. I would still get up in the morning and my life would have no changes. I know I keep saying it but I’ve made some great changes and everyone I know has noticed. Feeling good and detached. I know it hasn’t been all that long but I was the one in the R with self differentiation. I was the one already GAL. So in a way DBing just helped me to double down and detach faster. Thanks all
It’s my weekend without S. I decided to go out to a club with a buddy of mine from my hockey team. And guess who I saw at the club. No surprise but W was there. With some of her friends and a guy she was hooking up with when we broke up for a few months about 5 years ago.
I don’t care about the guy. I care that it’s her weekend with our S and she decides to pawn him off to grandma while she goes out blacking out till 2am. There have been times I drop S off and it looks like she just woke up at 1pm. I am a mixture of anger and disappointment right now. Her priorities revolve around her A and binge drinking at the moment. A big difference from her normal moral compass. The WWness is strong and I am angry. I plan on filing on Monday and I don’t want it to be an easy way out. I want to pay her less than I am and to have my son more than I do currently.
I am shocked that she chooses to go out and get black out drunk while our S is supposed to be under her care. These events have cemented the idea that I don’t want this unrecognizable person in my life. Just so disappointed at this point. Thanks guys
Welp a new day came around and I still feel the same. Talked to my buddy who is in the legal system and printed all the court documents for filing divorce. Started filling them out but getting a little to tired to focus. Spoke with my older brother, who is like a father figure to me. He also had a WW when he was younger who abandoned their son and moved to a different country with her OP, which didn’t last. He reinforced that he supported me filing.
Felt a lot of sadness reading the court papers about child custody. But this isn’t what I wanted. I do not see the point continuing this sitch in its current state. W acts like an unrecognizable person and I very much doubt she will ever look inward and do the work required to deal with her issues. Because of this, I am moving on with my life. Good luck all.
