Oh my goodness. What an out of the blue surprise exchange that was. Well done girl! You handled yourself very well.
Her denial of an affair is almost comical. “I’ve be cheated on before and would never give that pain to someone else”. Blah, blah, blah - yeah whatever.
I am not surprised you limited your volley of truth dart to the few you did - you know she (and he) just isn’t worth it.
It is a long time until next summer, and lots can happen between now and then. One never knows when or where that karma bus is going to stop. I do believe things balance out eventually. Of course hoping or wishing that karma will smack him upside the head will do you little good. Look to your own good karma and live right, leave him to his.
DV, you know you are not a crappy person. You also know this is a great place to vent and get things out of your system - you don’t need this clogging up your life.
As I said, you are doing very well.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Flipping 'eck as we say up here. Thank goodness he is somebody else's problem eh?
What is it with OW? Mine came crawling out from under her rock as well to tell me that H wasn't a bad person and she saw a totally different person to what I did. My response was to tell her to remove her blinkers as mine were well and truly removed after 30 years.
The karma bus will come along at some point. You will be so well clear of him that you won't even notice.
I really enjoy reading your updates! Especially about your R with Jack :-) You have come so far and I hope you keep posting here and advising others. You are an inspiration to us all (it's so great for the newbies and those that might feel stuck to read your transformation). When you started posting here, you were trying to save your M, going through the challenge of trying to detach, and I loved the way you allowed yourself to be so open and vulnerable with your emotional process. You worked your way through it all and ultimately let go of a toxic relationship with your H. That shows so much character strength! I think that is the goal for so many here, but they can't seem to get there (the letting go of the idea of their S vs not seeing reality).
You want to know who is crappy? OW that's who! I actually cringed when I read her messages to you. I found her to be fake and even passive aggressive. She clearly had an agenda and I almost question if that was an "accident" or planned on her part. She wanted to prove a point to you and it was fairly tacky if you ask me. .... Wasn't she "dying of cancer" and "just a friend on hospice" that he was "helping" during her illness (which seemed terminal)?" What a steaming crock of chit lies he told you. He is a coward.
I am impressed that you handled yourself with such dignity and grace. That would be a huge challenge for me. .... You get to hold your head up high during this D and I hope you feel great about that. He, on the other hand (and apparently her too) are self-serving, dishonest, and in denial about what happened in your M. And sadly for them, they are destined to fail. Rs that start out with this level of deceit rarely last because there isn't a solid foundation of trust. I read somewhere that Rs that start out as As only last long term less that 5-7% of the time. I don't recall where I read that tho. ... If I seem bitter it is because I don't sympathize with homewreckers. He could have been honest with you years ago and handled this with respect (as this mother of his children deserves).
I am glad you learned the truth about him and are moving on. You deserve a beautiful life with genuine and honest relationships. I tend to believe there are so many good people in the world, but we just have to open ourselves up to meeting them. I can see that you are able to do just that!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thank you all sooooo much. The news of my STBXH’s engagement set me back a bit but only a little. I am quickly recovering to my previous status of not caring. I am endeavouring to look past the cheekiness of her messages to me and focus on the fact that she “loves” my children and seems committed to being a good stepparent. I feel bad for my stepdaughter though as she is no one to this woman and I’m pretty sure my STBXH rarely, if ever, talks about her.
Blu...yes he told me a chit load of lies. He didn’t tell me she was in hospice but he did say she had pancreatic cancer at one point. And then it was just a stomach issue and she “almost died” over Christmas. Her illness, whatever it was, is what really drew him in I think. The chance to play the hero and rescue a damsel in distress. She seems perfectly fine now so it sounds as if it was much todo about nothing.
STBXH’s aunt and cousin are visiting me right now. Cousin told me that when we went to visit them on her dad’s birthday about four or five years ago, he asked her not to talk about anything she had seen on Facebook as he and I don’t see eye to eye on things which is why we weren’t Facebook friends. What an a$$!!! She thought it was really strange but just didn’t mention it as she didn’t want to cause any drama. Saddens me in some ways though...that there were a number of family members who could have said something to me and given me a heads up that something was wrong. His dad is the worst. Apparently he called the hospital very early on and they had no idea what he was talking about. He assumed then that STBXH was up to no good and told my MIL but she argued with him that it was all true and they agreed to disagree. No one said a thing to me about it. STBXH’s other cousin recently saw a Facebook post that he was tagged in where the OW had announced their wedding is next summer. He and his wife are horrified and flabbergasted by all of it. HIs wife just told me they are thinking of me and so impressed with how I have handled things. I think his side of the guest list is going to be pretty small next summer.
Texted with Facebook guy a bit on the weekend. He broke up with the woman he was seeing as she was really into him and he had doubts and he was worried he would get into a serious relationship with her because he felt obligated to. I told him about the OWs texts and he told me to let STBXH go and that he is “dead weight”. He’s not wrong about that. I told him I had and it was just her talk of being a team and sending me heart emojis that set me off. He told me to look at it as a sign of happiness and good energy and that “new chapters” are exciting. Spoken like a guy who has always done the leaving in his relationships.
Haven’t seen Jack since Friday morning as I’m entertaining STBXH’s family and I thought it would be too awkward for them and him. I told his cousin about Jack and she is all for it. Told me the age difference doesn’t matter and if he makes me happy, that’s all that matters. He’ s coming over tomorrow after the relatives leave. I’m looking forward to it as I have missed seeing him this weekend.
Happy Canada Day to my fellow Canadians. I’m off to a Canada Day party in about an hour. Love and (((hugs))) to you all!!
DV it sounds like OW is serving herself a big juicy heaping helping of denial. I suppose that is required to keep the illusion up that she's in a perfect R with a saint of a man. A year or two down the road you'll probably get a scathing text asking why you didn't warn her about what a lying, cheating a-hole he is, LOL!
DV it sounds like OW is serving herself a big juicy heaping helping of denial. I suppose that is required to keep the illusion up that she's in a perfect R with a saint of a man. A year or two down the road you'll probably get a scathing text asking why you didn't warn her about what a lying, cheating a-hole he is, LOL!
I definitely see that scathing text coming your way in the future.
Thanks All. Who knows...maybe my STBXH will run out of energy and finally just settle down for the long haul. Guaranteed his feelings will fade and he will become much less interested in her but maybe this time he will look in the mirror and take some responsibility for himself. Who knows? Time will tell, I guess, but honestly, at this point I could really care less. I’m pretty much over it. She is welcome to him.
Yesterday was a fun and interesting day in the DV6 household. Spent the first part of the morning lazing around with Jack. In the afternoon, he and I were walking out to the garage when STBXH pulled up with his affair and my kids who were being dropped off. We all just kinda stopped for a second and stared at each other...lol. Then I think I waved and they backed out and drove off. Jack just looked at me and said... “If you are a six (I told him my sister said I was a solid six...lol), she’s a three.” I knew I liked him for a reason.
He came with me to my pool playoffs last night as well. One of the old guys there asked him if he was my son. He was mad...as was my friend who is a couple years younger than Jack. He texted me this morning to say that he couldn’t believe that guy said that to Jack and it is probably because he is jealous that he couldn’t get a fine young woman like myself...lol. He said he would never be able to guess my age as I have nice skin and no wrinkles and he thinks I am “lovely”, “attractive” and also “rad”...lol. Makes me wonder if I was right about him kinda liking me but still nice to hear. He also texted me to say that he liked my boyfriend and that he seems nice.
Had an interesting conversation with Jack yesterday as well. He was hit by a car when he was ten and he feels like a lot of his life started to get off track. I think he struggled with PTSD for a long time. He eventually dropped out of school and made some choices that he now regrets. He’s kind of lived a nomadic existence just going where welding jobs were which is why I think he’s never really had a super serious relationship and hasn’t really amassed anything of significant value. He says when he is with me, he is a different person than he is in the rest of his life. That person is kind of depressed and feeling somewhat stuck and isn’t sure what the future holds for him. The person he is with me is fun and silly and philosophical and that when he visits me, it is like he is taking a vacation. He hasn’t told any of his family about me...he doesn’t want his real life to bleed into his time with me. He’s not worried they wouldn’t like me or disapprove of me... it is more the other way around. So...as I suspected, he has some “issues” and I am starting to understand what they are. To me they aren’t deal breakers but they are a reason to move forward with some caution. In a way he is like a vacation for me as well. But... I am still trying to focus on living in the present and I think I will know when/if the time comes when this isn’t working for me and I need to make some changes. For now I am just enjoying my life and the time he and I spend together.
We had a lot of fun after we got back to my place. He picked up the guitar and got me to look up lyrics to different songs. I played a couple that I really like and he didn’t know the songs but could play them after listening to them being played a couple of times. I have a pretty decent singing voice so he and I had a little singalong. My daughter was in the room for a bit and told me when I tucked her in how cool she thought it was. She hasn’t seen him a whole lot but I can tell she really likes him and, more importantly, likes how he treats me.
Jack’s busy doing something with his siblings this weekend so I probably won’t see much of him...if at all. Ironically, it looks like I might be heading his way as I am invited to go out to my sister’s friends’ place out at the lake that is in his hometown. The weather is looking a bit iffy but I think I will probably go anyway. I’ve had the whole week off and not really gone anywhere. I’d like to test my car’s new range as well. So should be a fun weekend. Looking forward to it.
Anyway... that’s my update. Hope all is well out there in DB Land. Love and (((HUGS))) to you all.
Had a good time out at the lake with my sister, BIL and friends. As I predicted, I did not see anything of Jack. I had originally thought we were going out on Friday and he was thinking he might be able to come by for awhile that evening but turns out my sister and I had some communication challenges. She was only planning to go out on the Saturday and I mistakenly thought she had been talking about Friday. So... that didn’t happen. Regardless, we went out on Saturday. Didn’t see Jack but we exchanged texts a few times. The reception out there was super spotty and his phone is pretty ancient so we didn’t have much of a conversation, per say. We left early this morning to head back home. He couldn’t come over today either so said he will come over tomorrow. Kids are home and I am working so it’s not going to be a long visit. Still...will be nice to see him.
Full work week for me and then I’m playing in a charity golf tournament on Friday with some other women. We’re playing best ball thank goodness as I don’t really get out to golf much so I’m not that great. I love playing though so I’m looking forward to it. Saturday I think I will take my kids mini golfing if the weather holds or maybe to the driving range. Sunday they are heading to their dad’s and I’m going to the States for a couple of days with my sister to shop and play the slots at our favourite casino. They offered us a couple of “free” nights again ($400 value) so we were happy to take them up on it. We’ve been going there for years and this is the first year they have offered us free nights so we figure we should take them up on it once in awhile to keep the offers coming.
Have a couple of trips to look forward to next year... Vegas in the Spring to play 8 ball and then hopefully Croatia in September with my sister, her hubby and another couple that I get along with great. Hoping to have a travelling partner myself... either Jack, if we are still together, or some other person who I have yet to meet...lol. Who knows? Part of me hopes it will be Jack but I’m a realist... he is Mr. Right Now and not necessarily Mr. Right. The chemistry and the attraction is there but his life is so in flux right now, I’d be crazy to count on him being there in the end. Like I said in my previous post...if/when it is time to make a change, I trust myself to know when that is.
No contact with STBXH other than he sent me a photo of our daughter trying her hand at archery yesterday. I texted thx in reply and that was that. Still strange to me... 14 years and a whole “life” together and we are virtually strangers now. To think we were “married” last year at this time and now he is living elsewhere and making plans to marry someone else. CRAZY!!! Like I said... you can’t make this chit up!!
Love and (((HUGS))) to all of you in DB Land!!! xoxoxoxo
Not much new in DV6 land. The kids have been at their dad’s for a couple of days so I’ve been hanging out with my sister. Tomorrow is the golf tournament and I’m looking forward to it. Hoping Jack will be coming over tomorrow night but if not, Saturday for sure. I haven’t seen him since Tuesday morning and I’ve been missing him. On Sunday morning I am heading across the border for a couple days with my twin. So it’s going to be a GREAT weekend!!!
Exchanged a few texts with my STBXH’s cousin today. She told me that her sister told her that when she went to visit another cousin and his wife, the wife told her that she had seen something on Facebook about my STBXH being engaged in APRIL!!! Apparently he deleted her from his friend list soon after... like that will change anything. I think what happened is his affair was posting on her page and tagging him so that anyone who is Facebook friends with him could see it. Oops. Pretty sure my STBXH did NOT want to let the cat out of the bag that soon so had to delete quite a few people. He’s always been super careful about how much information he gives out. I realized today that he hasn’t once said her name in my presence or even acknowledged that she is part of anything he is doing. He always says “I” instead of “we”... I’m buying a house. I’m going to Hawaii. Strange as obviously I know different. I don’t know how he doesn’t slip up and say “we”. I guess he is just that good of a liar... it is so automatic. Sad.
Given what his cousin told me, I suspect his wedding guest list just keeps getting smaller and smaller. I wonder how many people he is going to attempt to convince that his affair wasn’t actually an affair. Like they don’t know what they know and can’t do the math. I mean, we only moved here two years ago and he has already left his family, bought a home and gotten engaged to someone else? Did he meet her the first day we got here? Mind boggling. If he were at all smart, he would have just lived with her and waited a year before getting engaged. But...no...he has to be “all in” immediately so he can convince himself that it actually was me that was the problem and not him and that way he doesn’t have to face himself. After all, he fell in love so quickly and easily, it MUST be true love. It would be comical if it wasn’t so sad and pathetic. Oh who am I kidding??? It is totally comical...lol.
I just pray this character flaw is not genetic and my kids are spared. Honestly, if my son even dared to do something like that to his family, I would certainly make my disappointment known. Still amazes me that his mom hasn’t really said anything to him about how she feels about it all. Kind of explains why he is so pathologically avoidant.
No word on my divorce yet except that it has been filed. Never would have dreamed I would feel this way but I am looking forward to it being over with and just getting on with my life.
STBXH’s other cousin recently saw a Facebook post that he was tagged in where the OW had announced their wedding is next summer. He and his wife are horrified and flabbergasted by all of it. HIs wife just told me they are thinking of me and so impressed with how I have handled things. I think his side of the guest list is going to be pretty small next summer.
