Uni since yours and my situation are very similar. Being accused of being emotionally unstable, not trusted, etc. the fact of the matter is as they are not responsible for their feelings just as much as sometimes we lose ours in the midst of all this chaos. When they start to lose trust in us based on whatever rational or irrational reasons, and whether it's hormonal e related or there's actually some legitimacy and agency to it, they want us to be accountable for our feelings or emotions and our actions but they don't want to be accountable for theirs. I've seen this play out in my brother's marriages as well as my own when it comes to separation and divorce. It's funny if they made you feel crazy by gaslighting you and then blame you for your reactions, it would be used against you. But when they do it they're never held liable or accountable, especially in court. I think you did yourself in your kids a favor by moving out and remaining emotionally healthy and happy. them reacting this way to us and painting us out and setting us up to be some type of abuser is almost like them calling the cops on us because they're having an emotional fit, and seek to punish us once their heart turns cold. it's like they're allowed to have emotions but we're not over this whole situation. I almost considered recording every interaction I had with my W, since the communication was so misconstrued, and every time I would revisit a topic weeks later, her end of it would change It's like the mentally ill projecting someone else to be mentally ill because they don't want to take responsibility for their own thoughts and feelings, and challenge whether they are valid and legitimate. MC does nothing more than lend its legitimacy to it and set you up to take the fall. Sometimes it's also a form of control and power. I say let crazy be crazy, and take yourself out of that scenario as soon as possible which I'm glad you did. I'm glad you dropped the rope did what's right for you and your kids, and put your foot down with this nonsense. I hope you also learn how to emotionally regulate yourself whether are you were toxic or not, or whether she became super sensitive and controlling to you. after this learning experience by detaching from it. You also have to keep in mind that the lawyers, mediators, and therapist put them up to it through validation and power of suggestion. It is in their best interest and their job to pit spouses against one another by validating their fears. Like an auto body shop saying I hope no one gets into an accident today or a mortician saying I hope nobody dies today. Spousal fighting divorce discord and division is good for business for them. They are ambulance chasers, with legal know-how at best. You don't necessarily have to be a threat just to be a perceived threat in their mind.
If you're not BSing us and yourself this is a great post. I had no problem with you moving out as long as you truly weren't ding it to please your W. I think it's great you stood up for yourself in MC and told her you're done if you don't start working on the marriage.
DB encourages no relationship talks and pressure because that usually pushes the WW closer to D but if you are prepared to D then there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. A true alpha male will state what he wants and is willing to walk away meaning divorce if his partner isn't willing to work towards that goal.
From here on in its all about what is best for U and the kids and no more tolerating her BS. i never believed for a second that you are an abusive person. You're a man who loves his family and along the way lost yourself in the marriage. Your total identity was tied to the marriage and you were holding on to tight which led you to do some desperate things to save it.
I'm just not 100 percent sold yet that you're not BSing yourself but your last post is the best I've seen from anyone in awhile. I know you'll be fine you because you are an information junkie and I can tell you never want to go through this h3ll again.
Don't ever let those b@lls go back into her purse lol.
U - I agree with L. IMO I think you had to say what you said in order to level the playing field and give yourself a fresh start. Now since you stated what you have stated there is no going back or your words where meaningless. If you truly believed what you said then from this point forward you move forward with your b@lls firmly attached. Sometimes it just takes a person standing up one time for them to gain the confidence and fuel the fire!
I remember the first time my XW asked me to watch the kids one night shortly after we separated. I know she asked me because she wanted to go out and party. I told her "no" that I had plans and it was probably the first time in a long time where I said those words. It was hard to do but doing so gave me a confidence that I had not experienced in quite some time. Now when she asks, her tone, attitude, and demeaner when approaching is completely different. I am not saying she wants to reconcile because she doesn't but I do know I have got her respect.
the fact of the matter is as they are not responsible for their feelings just as much as sometimes we lose ours in the midst of all this chaos.
As a recovering NG, I am all-to-easily influenced by the intensity of another person's emotions.
Originally Posted by IHCLACS
I think you did yourself in your kids a favor by moving out and remaining emotionally healthy and happy.
Precisely.
Originally Posted by IHCLACS
MC does nothing more than lend its legitimacy to it and set you up to take the fall. Sometimes it's also a form of control and power. I say let crazy be crazy, and take yourself out of that scenario as soon as possible which I'm glad you did. I'm glad you dropped the rope did what's right for you and your kids, and put your foot down with this nonsense. I hope you also learn how to emotionally regulate yourself whether are you were toxic or not, or whether she became super sensitive and controlling to you. after this learning experience by detaching from it. You also have to keep in mind that the lawyers, mediators, and therapist put them up to it through validation and power of suggestion. It is in their best interest and their job to pit spouses against one another by validating their fears. Like an auto body shop saying I hope no one gets into an accident today or a mortician saying I hope nobody dies today. Spousal fighting divorce discord and division is good for business for them. They are ambulance chasers, with legal know-how at best. You don't necessarily have to be a threat just to be a perceived threat in their mind.
IHC - I feel like sometimes I'm with you halfway through your posts, and then I lose you. I'm not sure why, just an observation, and please don't take it as anything other than that. I guess I feel like I have allowed other people to control my life decisions, but I stop at the point where I think that they are vindictive or sowing discord - I think the problem lies within myself, for allowing it to happen. Lack of boundaries. NGS.
For anybody going into MC: Speak up for yourself. Don't be afraid to speak the honest truth, worrying about the potential impact to your MR. Because if you don't, your spouse likely will speak their truth, and then you might feel railroaded, like the MC is siding against you, etc. I don't believe MC's are invested in sowing discord, but when one partner digs in their heels (like my W) it is hard for the other person to feel anything positive is happening.
It boils down to how you answer this question: Is it our MC's job to question the tales of emotional abuse? Or is it my job to speak up?
If you think it is the MC's job, as I (erroneously) thought for awhile - you are screwed.
I decided to speak up last session. Knowing full well it may have totally finished off any thoughts my W may have had for R.
From here on in its all about what is best for U and the kids and no more tolerating her BS. i never believed for a second that you are an abusive person. You're a man who loves his family and along the way lost yourself in the marriage. Your total identity was tied to the marriage and you were holding on to tight which led you to do some desperate things to save it.
I'm just not 100 percent sold yet that you're not BSing yourself but your last post is the best I've seen from anyone in awhile. I know you'll be fine you because you are an information junkie and I can tell you never want to go through this h3ll again.
Don't ever let those b@lls go back into her purse lol.
LH19 - you pull no punches and I like that about you.
I'm getting a good sneak peek at divorced life. I have my own place and a timeshare agreement with the kids. My W is going back to work which is good news no matter how you slice it. There are some financial loose ends to work out - I'm not 100% pleased with it, but it's just not a key concern of mine right now. I have been exercising, going out some nights with friends, and in general enjoying my time although there are struggles running a house on one's own.
I'm looking around thinking... yep, this is not the life I really wanted, but it's not all that bad (other than the financial hammer). It's a lot better than what I had the last year! I'm getting back to being more productive at work, enjoying my time much more. It feels good.
I am, however, completely emotionally exhausted from dealing with my W's resentment and fear and blame. It's debilitating. I have nothing to lose going to MC and speaking my mind at this point. She pulled all the emotional levers she had already - the only lever left was withholding the kids, and I surmounted that hurdle. The money lever doesn't work - I know if we D that I can manage my own money just fine. It will not be the lifestyle we had been living, but that's fine by me.
I will acknowledge that a HUGE problem with separation is that I can see it makes working on the MR almost impossible. Every little interaction, miscommunication, etc. is a potential flashpoint. This is why I said in MC that I will not continue to go if we aren't working on the MR. Because just "being apart for awhile" doesn't solve anything. In which case, I'd rather start moving on with my life sooner. If my W's idea was that UC would go away for 6 months and work on himself and prove he has changed, well, I don't want to be with her anymore.
U - I agree with L. IMO I think you had to say what you said in order to level the playing field and give yourself a fresh start. Now since you stated what you have stated there is no going back or your words where meaningless. If you truly believed what you said then from this point forward you move forward with your b@lls firmly attached. Sometimes it just takes a person standing up one time for them to gain the confidence and fuel the fire!
I remember the first time my XW asked me to watch the kids one night shortly after we separated. I know she asked me because she wanted to go out and party. I told her "no" that I had plans and it was probably the first time in a long time where I said those words. It was hard to do but doing so gave me a confidence that I had not experienced in quite some time. Now when she asks, her tone, attitude, and demeaner when approaching is completely different. I am not saying she wants to reconcile because she doesn't but I do know I have got her respect.
Anyway...good for you, be strong!
TBS - Thanks. There is no going back. The old UC would be worried that standing up for myself would look like me being emotionally unstable. The new UC doesn't care what it looks like.
I just got plain fed up. With everything. The timeshare stuff with the kids was the final straw. I won't go into details. It is resolved now, but things have forever changed. For awhile I was willing to accept that staying in the MR may involve accepting a less happy relationship for the sake of maintaining family stability. But things went waaaayyyy too far.
If I can't assert my needs now, and talk about my own resentments, then what is the point of MC, or even of trying to find a satisfying relationship? I can just keep acting like an undeserving H trying to win back his hard-hearted W, for potentially years, and just absolutely neuter myself? Or... I can stand up for myself, start moving on, and find a partner who values me for who I am, flaws and all. My W is welcome to apply for the position. The clock is ticking if she's going to start trying and stop blaming, and her application will be processed in the order it is received.
Maybe I should clarify... I’m not interested in a relationship at this time. But if and when I am it will not take the form of my prior MR. So for the moment I’m going to focus on myself and my kids. That also means I won’t be working on the prior MR.
Sounds like you are in a good place. The pain is very real early on and it's not easy, in fact the hardest thing I have ever went through by far. That said when you get on the other side, process your emotions, grow and become detached you will realize that you deserve so much more than what your wife was giving.
