Feeling lost, scared and still fighting it... why?

[Turbine]

If it weren't for bad luck... coolant leak is getting faster. Picked up a nail in the front tire. Rear hatch doesn't work so getting the spare is challenging.
Fortunately I was able to get to the service station where the mechanic hadn't left yet. Tire now patched. Missed church though.

[Turbine]

Yesterday I went to the house to clean because we are supposed to according to the court order. I also was going to leave my car there because of the coolant leak.

When I got there she was home and had changed the locks. Texted and voice mailed my L. I also called the police. They documented it but that was about it.

W told the police that she didn't want me there and was afraid of me.

I left, not wanting to rock the boat and the police waited for me to leave. Tired of the games. Not even mad at her. When I saw her I had no yearning to hold her, yell at, or pretty much anything. Let the judge apply the 2x4 of reality.

She has made me homeless since mid May. Is playing games with getting the house ready by denying me time to get my stuff and clean. I have learned she is/has been/can be petty, vindictive a bully and perhaps even a touch narcissistic. Traits I may have overlooked before but now am finding less and less attractive.

So while I may be growing and trying to improve. Well her changes are not so positive.

I'm not mad or upset with her. If I had to pick a feeling to list it would be disappointed.

Of all our family we all get one that we choose. Our spouse.

I haven't texted her since yesterday morning's events. Not sure what I would say. Not sure what there is to say.

We have three great kids and five grandkids. She still hasn't seen the baby yet. Her loss.

If I could choose again... would I still pick her? Work on us more? Maybe stayed in the Navy? Yes, yes and maybe. Is that wrong or weird?

Random thoughts so comment or not as you see fit. Unless that 2x4 of reality injects a incredible attitude correction it seems I will not be chalking up one in the win column. I am better now than I was and fully intend on continuing that effort. Hitting the gym, church, etc. So I will work on all the -ly stuff.

[DejaVu6]

It is amazing what we will put up with in the name of love. Clearly the W you knew is no longer Turbine... or maybe you are just starting to see her with clear eyes. IMO...it takes a very narcissistic person to do the things she has done in the way she has done them. It is one thing to leave a marriage...it is quite another to do it with lies, vindictiveness and bitterness. You did, and do, deserve better. (((HUGS)))

[Turbine]

I need to tap into the group wisdom.

I texted my lawyer about what happened Saturday morning. I didn't get any response or acknowledgement. I understand it is the weekend and they are not at our beck and call. They are working for us though. Is it unreasonable to expect an acknowledgment? A simple okay or call me Monday.

I almost feel like I am invisible here in this process. I suppose one of my triggers(?). Because it annoys me. I find I start loosing respect for that person...

Anyway based on this, I am wondering if telling my lawyer to file to remove herself is appropriate. Many of the decisions seem to have been made by the lawyers and bowed to my wife's side minus any of my input. I have other expenses.

At this point my wife has shown traits that I find, sadly and appropriately, deal breaking. In that trying to get the work in to be able to reconcile might not be worth it. I am not angry with her or feeling anything really. Disappointed, sorry for her... no desire to hold her.

Writing this at 0200 (2:00 AM) might not get much in the way of response but here it is.

Thanks

I wrote this and slept on it before putting it here.

[Turbine]

So not the greatest day but not the worst day either. Car is needing only one more repair and that is the rear hatch release switch. Parts on order. So new radiator and a new tire.

In order to follow the court order I need to get into the house. she changed the locks and so my access is limited again. I need to document all of this for our next court date. (not very romantic sounding is it... yeah very poor attempt at a joke. not a good day like I said)

I want the chance at the R. No responses to the texts to be at the house ( 2 texts) ought to tell me it isn't happening.

Our whole marriage was not "normal". At this point we were supposed to be just us, not so burred in debt and enjoying each other, our grandkids and all that stuff. That was my vision. I guess I never understood her vision. From what little she did share it involved retiring at least part time to the Philippines. We never discussed it though. Not being in the church didn't help. Now... she quit and I am trying to rejoin.

Like many here I still don't want the D. It may still happen though. I really don't know how I will do that day. Being honest there, I really don't. Dong something terminally stupid would accomplish nothing. Shakespeare did us no favors with that little tale about the Montague and the Capulet families.

I have been a passive-aggressive person and I have thought of doing something in revenge. Just as quickly threw whatever idea it was out too. I want to be a better man. Not sink to whatever level she is at right now. Because much of this is petty and spiteful. Yeah, I need to harden my heart and not be the doormat.

So am I making changes? I can't really tell. The gym is paying off. Church... I don't know.

Part of that might be my perception of what I am expecting. Big feeling of peace and change in outlook. Well... I couldn't tell you. Maybe this is a case of unanswered prayers. God is keeping me from what I want because it isn't part of His plan for me, or her. (wow... I didn't write that or think that as 'us'). So I haven't learned what I need to yet. Let go or given her enough time to miss me.

I talked to my B-i-L. W is working two jobs, even more than she was before. So not what I wanted for her or us.

I miss her. At least the her I remember. I'd like to have a fair chance but she is to set or hurt to believe I can make any changes and not keep them.

[LB55]

Hey Turbine,

A fellow sailor here... been in 21 years and I’m going through the same stuff you are. Different circumstance but same story. If I can offer some thing...living in the past won’t help. The Navy didn’t do this...stay in or get out. She made this choice.

It sounds like you haven’t made the choice as to what you want yet. One day you’re done and ready to never see her again and the next you want to talk about reconciling. WhAt are your goals?

Don’t worry about her...whether she sees the grandkids or not. It’s her choice. You see them as much as you can! Don’t let her negativity drag you down. She does stupid stuff like changing the locks...you’ll be ok. She doesn’t want to see the baby..you’ll be ok.

This is all so tough for us. Get your crap in one sock sailor and be an awesome man!

Don’t worry about your attorney...they have lives too. If they truly are t working for you, then tell them what you need. If they can’t meet your needs then find a new one. You need your goals set to help them meet your goals and needs though.

What was your rate? I’m a MM.

[Turbine]

I was a MM (Nuke) then non, then GSM before I got out. Sea/shore rotation was garbage and 3 section duty was too. Never felt like I was home when the ship was in port on the cruiser. No way to raise or have a family.

[Yail]

Hi Turbine. You mention your reconnection with the Church a lot and what you see as your growth/failings related to that part of your life. And you keep claiming you're doing it for you - but every now and then you slip in that it's kind of for her.

It's sounding like you're reconnecting to the Church for her. I'm not sure I believe that this is for you.

Of course trying to connect to the community and living a full life is a wonderful thing, so I don't want to discourage you. But it seems you're looking to reconnect to the Church, not reconnect to your Faith. And I'm not sure how far that will bring you.

I think you need to consider what this is doing for you. Is it bringing you any healing, any community, any sense of safe space and fulfillment? If not I think it's time you look for other ways to connect to your Faith.

You are still very much resisting the fact that she is an autonomous being who has made her own choices. You still see yourself only as part of a duo with her. You are more than 1/2 of a relationship. You are a full Turbine into yourself, and I want you to find some things in your life that remind you of that, and connect you to your true authentic self.

[Turbine]

Yail, I have tried going to another church. That really felt wrong. How much of what I am doing is for her vs. because of her. I have days where I can't tell. I know I should and yes I find that troubling.

That said, I returned after visiting my parent's graves. Maternal grandparents buried right next to them. That visit was really hard. I knew I needed to make that relationship right. I have been angry at the world. At the church too. I apologized to several of the deacons who I had said very impolite things to. Needed that. Since I have been going to church and the gym I have been much calmer and less angry. So in my mind this is a good thing. Doesn't invalidate your concern. Still crosses my mind. I'm reading my Bible (not as much as I should or as I should), Jesus Calling (very helpful personally) and several other self help books.


Resisting her choices. Yes, big time. I know I am more than half of us as a couple. Been a couple for so long... I am very proud of my wife. She is smart in ways I am not, tough, strong willed and I've always thought beautiful. Now... there are some negative that are very prominent. Has she changed? Sure. She believes I can't and what she has seen is viewed with suspicion. Understandably so.

Can I make these changes JUST for me? Honestly no. For me yes. For her too. Yeah I know it will be seen through.

I still haven't figured out how to wall off those feelings.

We get to pick one member of our family. That I picked wrong hurts. Especially after I was told by many people, including family, it wouldn't last, it was just to get here. I didn't listen. After so long I got complacent. I also messed up a long time ago.

Whatever expectations she had I have not met them. I thought I tried hard enough. Guess not.


Will I survive if this continues though to D. I have 3 kids and 5 grandkids on top of extended family and many friends. I just want her to be there first and foremost. Just not to be clingy, needy or anything like that. Be the man she found attractive in the beginning. Not sure how much of that was I offered a ticket to America. Well, she got that. So if that was the big thing, well she is a citizen now so I need to be Turbine 2.x or 3.x because I want her and us for OUR 2.x or 3.x. Sans the D part.

Yeah, I have thought rather make her a widow than ex. But that does nothing. Confirms her view I am a looser.


If all of this means I haven't detached... yeah, guilty as charged. I still love her and can't explain why. Afraid of being alone? I was on a ship with 5000 guys and still could be alone in the crowd.

[Turbine]

She agreed to some time at the house over the weekend. Not happy with the time limit but she changed the locks. Short, direct and polite. Ended with a thank you.

Too much? I don't know.

I still think the judge won't like the situation. I know I don't.

I feel nothing about her at times. Other times... want her so much. Rollercoasters....