AnotherStander, I love reading your posts. Your demeanor and kindness is pitch perfect. You give tough advice in a very loving way. That is so helpful to those of us who are beating ourselves up for struggling with DBing.
I think you realize it isn't easy, but you work to inspire us to keep moving forward. Thank you!!
Originally Posted by Steve85
Agreed! I wish I could be more gentle. AS is awesome!!
Thanks guys, I appreciate it! One of the hard parts in coming here is I relive a lot of the pain and heartache I went through when I read the posts of others going through this. So I try to be sensitive to the fact that the people coming here need advice, but they need emotional support too. I feel like I fall short on the latter versus the former, so it's nice to hear y'all say that, maybe I'm not being as tough on people as I thought
Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by ozman
What I did before BD was make plans without her. Go to friends house after work and not call. Stuff like that
I thought you had no friends?
OK so that's not just me, it does seem like we're getting conflicting info from you Oz. You've stated that you never had your own life or identity because you married so young, and that basically your entire life has been defined by your role as husband. But then you turn around and say part of your marital problems stem from the fact that you went out and GAL'd so much going over to friend's houses and not calling and such. So which is it? I think you're just trying to make excuses not to GAL. "I can't GAL because I GAL'd too much when I was married and I have to do a 180 on that." That's BS of course, you NEED to GAL. You of all the people here need it more than anyone. You seem to be struggling the most with your situation, how to deal with it, and how to LISTEN and FOLLOW advice.
I have a couple of suggestions for you. From now on, when you get advice, READ it and ASK SPECIFIC QUESTIONS about it. Here is the vibe I get from your threads-
A) Wife does XYZ B) Oz posts "wife did XYZ, what does this mean?" C) People post sound, solid advice D) Oz does not post one single question or comment about the advice, does not thank anyone, nothing. Appears to ignore it all. E) Repeat A-D
I've seen this happen with others before and at some point people throw their hands in the air and quit helping. Why help someone that doesn't appear to want help.
So Oz, if you want continued input and support, break the pattern.
Ok. I’m sorry. I’m very grateful for all the advice given. I really am. So thank you thank you thank you. I wish you guys knew how grateful I really am
I had a few friends. But they are back home. 5 hours away. Remember I just moved
A lot of time I would go to dads house after work. (16 hour days on a farm). Without calling my W
There are several questions on here that I have asked that were never answered or answered in a weird way that didn’t make sense. Like the flinging the door open analogy when I talked about making a move. I can’t quote very well on here cause I’m doing it all on my phone
It seems like sometimes my question gets lost in translation or something
When I read your advice, I take it to heart. But then I get around my W and I don’t know how to implement it. I just come off as cold shouldering her. So I get frustrated and come back here for help. Then I accidentally end up offending you guys and I’m gonna end up pushing you guys away.
I’m sorry. I really am. Please don’t give up on me. You really are all I have
I have made some Progress. When I go back and read the beginning I can see it.
Thank you for your patience. Please forgive me for any rudeness or frustration I have caused
There are several questions on here that I have asked that were never answered or answered in a weird way that didn’t make sense. Like the flinging the door open analogy when I talked about making a move. I can’t quote very well on here cause I’m doing it all on my phone
Ok Oz, on this. You were asking if, when, and what kind of move to make. joejoe suggested you slowly open the door with some validation. "How as your day?" "Oh that sounds difficult, it must have be rough." To see where it would lead.
I said that I got the impression Oz wasn't asking about doing something subtle, but "flinging the door wide open". Something like, "I love you, want to be with you. Let's go have sex!"
That was what that analogy was. In general, the best move is sometimes no move at all. My point was that if you can't control yourself by doing something small, and slow like joejoe suggested, then do nothing. Especially since you were already doing small things like that anyway.
Hope this helps.I still get the impression you do not read and try to understand. You skim so you can get on with your next: "She did XYZ, what does it mean? What do I do?"
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
We don't get offended. I've told LBSs before, if you would prefer I not chime into your sitch, just say so! I am not hear to bug anyone.
But what you have to understand is that there is no "Do it this way! Say this exactly." etc. We are trying to teach you principles about how to interact with your W in a way that sets you up best to A) be detached, B) be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave (AMOAFWL), C) that will command respect from her.
Sometimes we get frustrated because posters get stuck in the cycle AS mentioned above. But never offended.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I promise I read to understand. I think I need to reread a lot more than I have. I honestly forget how forgetful I have become (brain tumor, major brain surgery, brain radiation, chemo did take their toll). I will try to do better
oz, one other thing to remember......when your thread grows by a page, go back to the previous page to make sure you read any posts that were made prior to the new page. Sometimes posts get lost because they were the 9th or 10th post on a page. Also, sometimes posts come in AS you post, so it is always a good idea to scroll back up after you post to make sure you haven't missed any.
One final tip, please read other people's sitches. While direct advice is good, sometimes objectively seeing someone else's sitch that you aren't close to emotionally will help for the techniques and principles to sink in.
You'll get this man, it is tough stuff. And your sitch is still so new. Hang in there with us! You will survive and thrive....no matter what!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I have a couple of suggestions for you. From now on, when you get advice, READ it and ASK SPECIFIC QUESTIONS about it. Here is the vibe I get from your threads- ....Oz does not post one single question or comment about the advice, does not thank anyone, nothing. Appears to ignore it all.
Hi OZ,
I understand you have more challenges than your average poster. What helped me was taking notes. I would read a book. As I read, I would write down the "wise words" with the page number. After the book was done, I would re-read all my notes from that book as well as the previous books. Spaced repetition is the key to learning.
Another thing is to compartmentalize. Don't worry about learning how to flirt better while trying to learn new skills in listening and paying attention. You pick the most important one and focus on that. Make sense?
Like you, I was full GAL before bomb drop. I didn't stop, I had to shift. Actually cut back to parent more.
I meet new people around the pool table. Do you play pool? If so, go out tonight for a few hours. If not, go out for a few hours anyway.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
