Why would W want me to pursue her if she doesn’t want to come back yet? Seems strange
First, WASs are strange. Strangest creatures on the planet! Trying to find logic in their thoughts and thinking is a fool's game.
Second, like CW was saying she wants you there as her safety net. You are Plan B. Plan A is to leave the marriage and start a new life. So yes, she does things that make it seem like she might be coming back.....to make sure you remain attached. This is why the pursuit-distance dynamic happens. You start to detach, she feels a sense of being unsafe (since Plan A is not even close to solid right now) so she throws you a bone. You take the bait and think "we are on our way!" She gets what she wants because you are safe. Many many many LBSs have set themselves up for BD#2 because of all of this.
Take AS' advice. No expectations. Prepare for the worst (her leaving and Ding you), and hope for the best (her staying and eventually reconnecting).
Detach. GAL (you are failing this miserably). Cement your 180s.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You have to settle down, so you can take an objective approach to your sitch. You are all emotions right now. You don't have to interpret every interaction with her. You are being so analytical that you aren't living.
I'm here to tell you, that your sitch won't be fix tomorrow and if your W sees your changes and wants to come back, then you being perfect won't stop her.
You are so worried about her intentions and reactions that you aren't working on yourself.
We have been where you are at, just working to try and stop you from making our same mistakes.
One day at a time.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
I just got off phone with D lawyer. Just to know how it works I guess. Most miserable conversation I’ve ever had
I’m not trying to analyze see every word. It just seemed like she thought “well you could have called to let me know you were home so I could come home too and we could figure out dinner”
I just got off phone with D lawyer. Just to know how it works I guess. Most miserable conversation I’ve ever had
I’m not trying to analyze see every word. It just seemed like she thought “well you could have called to let me know you were home so I could come home too and we could figure out dinner”
It was her time of voice
How do those two bolded statements NOT contradict each other?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W was not home when I got here. She had S with her. I DBd and didn’t call her. Just got to work in the yard, perfect right?
YES. You are busy taking care of things. Let her contact you.
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She calls about 40 min later
See....just wait for her to pursue you.....Always
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Me, hello? Her, hey, what’s up? Me, diggen a hole for post. What’s up? Her, oh well you could’ve called. I’ve just been setting over here at Sisters house after picking up S Me o well I wasn’t trying to bug you<<<<------ BETA BETA BETA
Better: Me: "Perfect."
or "How is Sister?"
or"Sounds nice."
Her ok well we were watching a movie and I was starting to doze. What you want for dinner Me hmm I dunno. Salad? Burgers?<<<<<------BETA BETA
Better: ME: "Hamburgers and fruit salad."
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I thought I shouldn’t call cause that’s pressure. But she obviously wanted me to call
This is one of those areas that you need to let her wounder what you are doing.
Even here, you have a better response:
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Me, diggen a hole for post. What’s up?
This is boring information. Try this:
Me:"Taking care of a few things...."
She will not know what you are doing and be confused and make up things in her mind YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT DON"T YOU
The goal is to get her to pry for information.
It should go like this:
Me:"Taking care of a few things...." W:"What things?" H:"Just some boring things I wanted to get done..." W:"What are they..." H"Right now I am digging a hole in the yard"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I’m not going to be rude so I replied today during my lunch break. You guys told me to tell you guys about our convos so you could interpret plus I want to see how my validation is going
Me: just saw your text from yesterday Her: I’ve been slammed today things have broken at work (insert a bunch of details here) and the other office lady isn’t here today Me: wow, that sounds really stressful Her :yup Her again: we are not allowed overtime so I had to clock out but I’m eating while I work Me: man, sounds hard Her: yep, it’s been a long day Me : sounds like it, I’ll make dinner tonight to make things a bit easier on you Her: I’ll be fine when I get out of here
I didn’t reply after that because I couldn’t gauge her reaction. I didn’t want to pressure. I wanted to validate her feelings of being stressed at work. Also show her some love by making dinner (an action). But not pursue.
