Reading so far has been eye opening with so many going through similar situations. For a long time I have felt it was just me. Seems like I have been on the wrong track and have enabled the situation to continue. I am not sure if there is hope at this point and am interested in responses from people on the forum who started out wrong.
In a relationship for 15 years, this fall would mark our 8th anniversary married. One stepdaughter 19.
In Summer 2017 I learned my husband had started having an affair with a much younger coworker who he had befriended and whom I had also befriended through him. It went on for a couple months and then in September on our anniversary he told me he wanted to come back to the marriage and go to counseling. So we did. Fast forward to Spring 2018 and things had improved in our relationship as a result of the counseling. Communication was better, we were spending most of our free time on nights and weekends together, family gatherings during the year, a couple wonderful vacations, etc. Around the same time the affair had begun the year before, I started feeling as if my husband was confused and uncertain. Later in the summer, I found out that the affair had restarted and been ongoing throughout that time. More recently I learned that he had told the OW that he was staying with me until his daughter finished high school to provide stability but he still didn't leave after that and that's when I started feeling things were not right - I assume she was applying pressure. So in the fall after I learned affair had restarted he did a lot of back and forth.
Then he said he didn't think we could work things out where we lived with his work situation with the OW and we needed a fresh start. I was sick and tired of the bad memories of the affair so I agreed to move. We started applying for jobs throughout the country and I actually found the job he ended up getting in CO. He sold items from the house to pay for my plane ticket to accompany him on the interview. I had interviews in several locations in CO as well and it looked like offers were pending so we secured a condo rental for six months and he left to move to CO at beginning of November. Instead of taking a friend to help him, I learned during one of my interviews that the OW had ridden cross country with him and he told her and others in their workplace that she was moving out there in a few months and they had gotten a place together showing a photo of the condo we had rented. So basically he was lying and telling us both what we wanted to hear. So I removed myself from the lease and made plans for myself. Shortly afterward, I learned my job wanted me to resign due to the stress from my personal life affecting my performance so I ended up taking a job in Colorado as well because I had three offers there and did not want to stay where I was and also did not want a gap in employment. My husband and I communicated on and off during the time before I moved at the end of December and I ended up sending the OW a cease and desist letter and ultimately suing her for Alienation of Affection and Criminal Conversation which is permitted where I lived. I had to pack up our entire life, get the house ready to sell, and deal with all of that stuff. It was horrible.
I moved at the end of December to a city about an hour from where my husband lives. We have been living separately since November when he left. After I moved, he wanted to see me and so I let him come down to pick up his dog and we started spending weekends together. At first I tried to keep it light but then he was saying things that created expectations for me such as he wanted us to move back in together after his lease was up and that he wasn't still with the OW (remotely at that point since she remained in the east where we had lived.) I started noticing that she was still calling him etc. so I kept facilitating relationship conversations about how that was not acceptable etc. etc. and that I wasn't interested in continuing with him while she was in the picture. He assured me he had no issue breaking things off with her etc. etc. but when it came down to it he would not take that step. So I didn't let him move in and he signed a three month lease at a new place and paid extra for it to coincide with the end of my lease. I told him if things weren't different there was going to be no moving back in at that point and I needed to see change. Well after he moved I felt he was blowing me off one Saturday by gaslighting me about having plans with friends instead of him even though my plans with friends were in the morning. He had complained about having to always come to where I lived (I made him because having taken the OW to the condo we were supposed to live in ruined that for me) so I thought to drive up and surprise him. I definitely did that as he was on a date with someone else from the area. He said it wasn't a date but it was clear that it was. I introduced myself as his wife and I'm not sure what he told her to overcome that other than we were divorcing because she is still in the picture. I looked at his phone and he had a fake Tinder account as well and had been talking to a bunch of women. I asked him what he was getting out of this and he said "It makes me feel good for a minute but it doesn't last." Said it wasn't about the sex but he had a pattern of behavior like this when he was younger after getting out of a long dating relationship and he didn't know how to deal with it, he thought he might need to go see a counselor etc. Said it hadn't been a problem in the past because he hadn't wanted to reconcile with the person he was ending the relationship with.
Anyway, he said he wanted to take some space apart because we hadn't tried that. We had pretty much stayed in communication regardless throughout everything. So Since beginning of June, I have backed off completely and we have not spoken. Have had a bit of email communication about finances. At first he said he wanted a few weeks or a month or two but I've found that every time he sets a deadline for himself for clarity, he is never ready with an outcome or decision about what he wants and tries to avoid it so I just said let's leave it open ended.
Throughout this entire process (nearly two years now), he has refused to take an out if I ask him if he wants to divorce. Even recently when he said he wanted space, he said he wasn't done with our relationship and that he didn't want to file separation papers or split up phone, split possessions, etc. and he still gives me money toward our joint financial obligations. I am still in the lawsuit with the OW. According to a friend who lived with him for a while, he was still trying to get the OW to move out here but yet also leaving for a few days here and there to stay over with the new GF. The new GF is posting on social media about them and the OW is still posting on his page as well but more discretely so I really have no idea what is going on but it kills me seeing all that. If I had to guess, the GF is posting so I see that they are dating and she is not aware that the girl from back east posting on his page is the OW who broke up his marriage and whom he is still encouraging.
Since we haven't been talking, he has texted me to ask if I found a new place to live (my lease was up) and I replied yes I did thanks for asking so he currently does not know where I live. He texted again to ask if I could keep his dog (actually one of our dogs but I have the other two) while he went to a conference and I declined because it was the weekend I was moving. I think I have continued to make myself available so he has never felt the loss of losing me and he has had a chance to have these other relationships while still taking the best from me and our relationship. He broke his phone recently and wants me to upgrade both of our phones on our plan since I manage that. Makes ho sense if he sees himself separating for good so I don't know what to think. I get such mixed signals. When he was coming down every weekend he was happy and relaxed, often commenting that he felt like we were getting to a really good place and he thought we had worked through a lot of our issues but then when I started applying pressure to ensure he had broken off with the OW, he didn't want to recommit I guess. He freaks out at the thought about me dating although he admits I should have the same opportunities that he has been if we are separated. I have not dated to this point.
I don't know what to do now. I feel that it's only been a month and he is likely in limerence with the new GF, still talking to the OW so maybe he doesn't really feel like he has lost anything at this point. I felt like throughout all this there were enough good things about our relationship to fight for it despite most people in my life telling me I just need to be done with it and move on. Prior to this affair, there had never been infidelity but I felt like in the past 6-8 months before the affair he was dissatisfied with his life but he never told me it was specifically our relationship. My husband has been pretty good about not reaching out to me (though I see he looks at my social media posts very quickly after I post anything) during this time apart.
I have read a lot of the resources on here but if you all have any suggestions and words of encouragement or hope please bring them on.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I just clicked on the link for the book (at Amazon) and no, it is not on Kindle. You can either purchase it in hardback or paperback. You can also view other books from that link at the top of Cadet's Welcome Thread.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Welcome to the forum. Sorry you're here. I too wonder if my H situation is MLC or other. (see my thread for details). Not anywhere close to your situation. Reading has been helping me cope and journaling here mostly, has been good. Of course, GAL helps. Anything to get your mind off things you can't control.
Regarding helping H get a new cell. One side of me says, hell no, let him figure it out for himself. Don't offer to do it. And the other side thinks get him set up, but take him off the plan. This situation has been going on for 2 years. He needs to figure out a few things on his own.
These two links helped me. And I have quotes all over to remind me to be patient & strong. Reading and rereading & rereading.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
I've read those. I think it's easier said than done. It's hard, in some cases keeping some bills combined is less expensive for me and I need that right now.
I have a lot of conflict between my brain and my feelings right now. I know rationally (thinking with my brain rather than my heart), limiting contact to business matters is the right thing to do so he doesn't keep having the benefit of me being there plus whatever he is getting from these other relationships. I also know that these other relationships he has going he is probably not committed to either or else there would not be more than one going on.
Feeling-wise, because I haven't heard anything from him other than responses to business items it kills me because it makes me feel like I don't matter to him or he just doesn't care that we are not talking or seeing each other. So right now, it feels like what I'm doing is hurting me more than showing him that I'm not always going to continue to allow him to take from me without giving back. It is also hurtful to see both of those girls posting on his facebook page and I feel pushed to the side. I've not seen or spoken with him since the end of May other than a few emails about business items. I'm not sure how long it takes someone to feel the loss of another if they are using relationships with other people, drinking, and other avoidance techniques to distract themselves. He is also very good at compartmentalizing.
I have been wallowing in self pity some recently and feeling really sad. So many things others have described about their situations prove true with mine that I do believe he is going through MLC. It's seems so clear from the outside but it's hard to understand there is nothing to do but let him work through it. Along the way I've seen moments of clarity here and there but it's like he can't reconcile within himself on a path forward. As I mentioned previously, I've offered the option of proceeding with a separation agreement or dividing up things and he has insisted he is not done with our relationship but he also hasn't recommitted or stopped maintaining the other relationships. I asked him when we were talking in May if that is what he wanted moving forward, relationships with multiple people and he said it didn't make him happy and he thought a relationship only included two people but he couldn't explain why he keeps on maintaining that status quo.
Holy smokes he sounds like bad news all the way around. He is a classic serial cheater. You have absolutely done all the right things in not playing his games and leaving him to the mess he's made. If you ever take him back I am sorry to say you can expect his patterns of lies and cheating to continue indefinitely though. I am trying really hard not to call him some bad names but he deserves all of the ones that come to mind and probably some new ones spoken in the hulls of pirate ships after several pints of rum.
I'm asking this in all honesty because I'm not clear from your posts: do you want him back? If so then you've got to lay down some hard boundaries and enforce them. NO conversations with other women, PERIOD. FULL TRANSPARENCY of his phone, email and social media accounts. That means that you have all his passwords and are free to check his conversations whenever you want. Sounds harsh? Well cheating is way more harsh and a cheater has to work hard to earn back the respect they've destroyed. This is the LEAST he can do to earn a shred of trust back. Serial cheaters behave like juveniles and often have to be treated as such.
Do not believe ANYTHING he says! It's all going to be lies, misdirection and gaslighting engineered to get what he wants. If he wants to earn your trust back it can only happen through actions, not words. Case in point he always promises to break it up with OW "later". What the hell is that supposed to mean??? You've got to commit yourself to him 100% and THEN he'll break up?? No, HE needs to break up first BEFORE approaching you about recon. He's being absolutely ridiculous.
Feeling-wise, because I haven't heard anything from him other than responses to business items it kills me because it makes me feel like I don't matter to him or he just doesn't care that we are not talking or seeing each other. So right now, it feels like what I'm doing is hurting me more than showing him that I'm not always going to continue to allow him to take from me without giving back.
Giving him time and space is the only way he will ever learn to miss you, and it's the only way you'll ever start to heal from this. You've got to process the grief and you need as little contact with him as possible while you do that. Don't worry, avoiding contact is not making things worse even though it probably feels like it.
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I'm not sure how long it takes someone to feel the loss of another if they are using relationships with other people, drinking, and other avoidance techniques to distract themselves. He is also very good at compartmentalizing.
It's hard to say. 25 doesn't post here anymore but she went through something similar with her H. She was a masterful DB'er and they ended up reconciling but he kept right on with his shenanigans and she finally got so sick and tired of it that she was the one that ended up filing for divorce.
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I have been wallowing in self pity some recently and feeling really sad.
Of course you are, it's a terrible thing to do through! It's normal to feel that way.
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As I mentioned previously, I've offered the option of proceeding with a separation agreement or dividing up things and he has insisted he is not done with our relationship but he also hasn't recommitted or stopped maintaining the other relationships.
That's not at all unusual. He'll probably just let things sit like that indefinitely. Unfortunately it's giving false hope to you when he likely has no intention of reconciling anytime soon. You are his "Plan B" that he wants to keep on the back burner in case everyone else falls through.
I'm so sorry you are here. AnotherStander has given great advice. I'd suggest you take it. Also read his and other stories here. You are not alone.
It is hard, but you can do it. You've already experienced one of the biggest BD's there are! And several times. You are still standing and still looking for answers because you want to do the right thing.
Cadet posted "Your H has given you a gift. The gift of TIME. Use it wisely." That statement has helped me so much. What I've read from your sitch is mostly about you waiting to see what your H wants. What about what luckeee wants?? Take some time and see if you can't figure that out. Not everything at once, but the desire of your heart no matter what H does/doesn't do.
It's easy to feel like you are trapped or must depend on your H to make your next move, but the longer you DB, detach, GAL etc the more confident you will feel. The vets here will show up and help, listen to them. They are also honest about what doesn't work and AS also mentioned giving your H space seems counterintuitive, but it is your best option right now. Let him go on his journey. You go on yours. Please take care of yourself. Big hugs.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Thing is, none of this stuff happened during the first 13 years we were together. I am a very observant person and I know that he was dedicated to our relationship during that time because his behavior was so very different than it has been since all this started. He used to take a lot of pride in our family and relationship, working toward common goals, etc. I was welcome at all his work events and around any of his friends and we were very close to each other's families. We had a ton of common interests, etc.
At the point when all this began, my husband was trying to achieve some difficult goals he set for himself and he had several disappointments during that time with not achieving those goals. It hit him really hard despite the fact that many don't achieve those type of goals the first time around. Then his dad was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer and his daughter was at a difficult age where she was pulling away from him when they had always been close. It seemed like all of that resulted in general dissatisfaction with his life and our relationship became a casualty as well. He started drinking heavily in the evenings and blocking me out so what time we were together had no quality. Despite my recollection otherwise, he said our marriage was "terrible" which seems to be classic "rewrite" because other than the times he was drinking to block out his life in general, we still had a lot of positive interaction and you could tell he was happy and relaxed in those times.
I honestly believe that my husband avoids dealing with his personal issues to the point that he uses whatever he can to avoid and block out the pain. I think his current "need for attention" from these other women, the heavy drinking, and living in the moment, etc. is a way of blocking everything out because he feels so poorly about himself. There have been a few times when he has told me he is depressed and that "Everything I feel like I have worked so hard for is slipping away." Well bingo, he is doing it to himself.
I suppose I made the mistake of trying to support him and be there and show him we could move forward from this. I believe I have showed him that as evidenced by the fact that we grew a lot closer during the year we were in counseling and were spending a lot more time together. Even this spring he said he felt like there was nothing wrong with our relationship or nothing he was missing but he still wouldn't pull it together and recommit. I know that until he looks inward and deals with his own issues and works through whatever is going on with him that I will not be able to have a relationship with him that gives me what I need. So I guess the answer is complicated, if I see evidence of positive changes which is not just the status quo, I would like to work things out. Mainly because the majority of our long relationship was very positive and happy. We made a really good team and I can still see glimpses of that throughout this mess. I know I can find someone else if I want. I'm a nice and attractive person who gives a lot to others and puts great effort into the relationships I build. I am also not afraid of being alone. Many people tell me I should just walk away but it's hard to walk away from someone you love, especially when they are going through a hard time in their life but dealing with the fall out of that has me worn out and beaten down.
