Yes - I was a bit worried about cake-eating. But where he is living he can't put on his own children's party for Youngest, and Youngest wanted him there, and to be honest it suited me to have an extra pair of hands on the day. I expected no more than civility and he was able to provide that - and more - and that was plenty. I also didn't wait on him or flap around him as I had been doing - my focus was on the kids and his was too, and that was fine.
I am not sure how I have decided I will handle other events with the children going forward. I need to balance what is best for them with what H can provide and what kind of interactions I want to have with him. But this felt positive and like a good line in the sand had been drawn.
Destroyed - well, we were polite to each other. It was a really busy afternoon and we were generally not interacting with each other, but the kids - I was in the kitchen, he was in the garden, or we swapped over. He helped me with clean up at the end and we had a brief, 2 minute exchange and that was it. I felt relaxed and it was fine, but it was friendly rather than friendship, if that makes sense.
The next morning, with presents, it was only an hour or so, and I made coffee and then we focused entirely on Youngest. We gave all the presents together, and I think next year we will move towards each just getting our own present for the kids' birthdays, but it isn't really a hill I felt I needed to die on right now.
It sounds like the party went really well and you handled things perfectly, thanks mostly to the boundary you put in over his family. It sounded like you had no or negative expectations of your H and they were exceeded, which is a good place to be in! You seem to be confident right now, I hope it continues
I am so glad that this felt positive for you. It sounds like the day went better than could be expected, and I agree that is due to the work you have put in.
Journalling - though not really that much to update!
I continue to feel pretty steady most of the time, with little bursts of anger and deep sadness that I try to take care of, but don't act on. I suppose this is grief, and I am going through it, and most days feel a bit easier than the last. The dark panic and flailing of the early part of this year has gone. I am so much stronger now. The urge to placate him at all costs has gone too. I suppose the sadness is looking at him and realising that no matter how much I wish it were not so, he's not capable of being the husband I deserve right now and that my job is only to accept that. It is coming much easier than it did.
H has started therapy - he told me a couple of days ago. I didn't respond a great deal at the time other than to wish him well with it, but my feeling is that I hope he takes it seriously and that it is of benefit to him, but I don't want to hear much about it. It needs to be something he does for himself, not for me and not even for his kids. He's on his own journey and I don't really want to interfere with that. He's been respectful and friendly and so have I, but there's a definite distance and boundary there and he is respecting that.
He's back at work next week and we need to sort out something predictable and regular for childcare - he's been off these past three weeks so he's been doing more in the way of school runs, which has been good for Youngest and helpful to me. But I'd prefer a regular schedule that suits us both and cuts down on the amount of time he's at my door to collect or drop off. I will text him a few different options over the weekend and ask him to pick which suits him best.
Big giant hugs, Alison. I'm so glad to log on and read a good update from you!!!
I love how you aren't getting involved in his IC stuff. My H would tell me about his and it just frustrated me and made me want to get involved and tell him why he wasn't getting better!!
I found it helpful to read articles about grief. Sometimes knowing what we are going through emotionally better equips us to navigate/manage it.
I'm glad to read that you no longer want to placate him!!! Cross off the C in CAGD!!
I'm finding myself thinking about you, Dilly, Blu, Goddess and all our friends here and taking comfort and encouragement knowing we are all walking through this together. I also use our group here to check myself when I want to do a counter-DB action. lol. Accountability is a good thing!!
All my best to you. Stay strong <3
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
I'm glad to read that you no longer want to placate him!!! Cross off the C in CAGD!!
I love it!
I don't know if a switch has flicked in my head, or I am just on the cusp of a giant backslide, but I do feel different these days. Still sad and still lonely sometimes. Still angry sometimes. But all of that is my stuff to deal with and nothing to do with him. And his stuff - whatever it is - isn't really my problem and doesn't feel that way either. I'm grateful he's being involved and reliable with the kids. I've seen him make more effort with Eldest. I think his time off has done him a lot of good, and the brief times I've seen him he looks healthier and better rested. I worry less about him - and feel less responsible for him. He seems happier than he was and I'm glad about that.
Haven't texted him those childcare options yet. Need to get my diary out and have a think about what options feel equitable to me and suit my practical needs best. Youngest needs regular contact with him and that is of course paramount. I think I might send him three different options, all acceptable to me, and let him choose the one that suits him best. Better DB would be to let him come to me and ask for something, but I suspect an 'ad hoc' thing would suit him better - he doesn't like planning - but me and the kids need some predictable routine.
I continue to feel pretty steady most of the time, with little bursts of anger and deep sadness that I try to take care of, but don't act on. I suppose this is grief, and I am going through it, and most days feel a bit easier than the last. The dark panic and flailing of the early part of this year has gone. I am so much stronger now. The urge to placate him at all costs has gone too. I suppose the sadness is looking at him and realising that no matter how much I wish it were not so, he's not capable of being the husband I deserve right now and that my job is only to accept that. It is coming much easier than it did.
Alison, this is huge. I want you to reread this when you doubt yourself or feel stuck. ... We all have a different timeline on this journey. Some of us take years to even accept the M is over and some of us turn our cheek and file for D the day after BD, and then everyone else lies somewhere in between. But for all of us, we do eventually make progress and go on with our life. Grief is an important part of that process. Our WAS often go running out the door and deny themselves the necessary steps. Even us, the LBS, can prolong allowing in the grief. We can be afraid of letting in grief because that translates to accepting it's over. The reality is, it was already over. As we all say here, the M as we knew it is dead and gone. We can fight it, cling to it, and wait, but we cannot revive it....
Our fear of the unknown holds us back. I think when we allow grief in, it is not as bad as we thought it would be. Actually starting the grief process makes us stronger and ultimately builds resilience, grit and character. As we allow the intense sadness in, we also learn to soothe ourselves in ways we never knew possible. We realize how alone we truly are, but that it is not a bad thing. We can trust and rely on ourselves to be there. We do have what it takes to make it through a terrible time and we will survive. We love our self more because we know we will always pull through when others cannot. I know this all sounds so cliche, but I really believe in this! I am proof of this. I think this self love and self discovery is the silver lining in this mess for us all! When we do the hard work, we come out on the other side and we like ourselves more, with or without our M.
I see that you are on your way. I am glad to read this and your friends as they begin to join you. We all fall off the wagon at times, but we can all get back up. It is so, so hard, but worth the struggle. And as you continue on your journey, you can continue to help others along the way.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thanks Blu. I think all the contact I was having with my H was stopping me from feeling this grief - which is not overwhelming these days. I was living my life in two or three day increments, never really thinking beyond the next time I'd see him or have contact with him. I don't feel that way any more. I may do again, but for the time being I am enjoying the headspace.
We managed to resolve the childcare routine very quickly and amicably. I went out with family yesterday, and I think either ate something undercooked or got a bit too much sun, because this morning and afternoon I've been feeling really unwell - dizzy and nauseous and feverish. Youngest was with H and Eldest was out socialising (which is really great!) but when H dropped Youngest back he could see I was sick, and offered to take the dog out on a walk, and came back with some lucozade for me. We even shared a bit of a joke about me being hungover (I don't drink at all) and it was friendly and even a little affectionate. I don't read anything into it except that perhaps the space has calmed down tensions and expectations for both of us. I appreciated his kindness and that was enough. I hope we're able to carry on co-parenting in this positive way, with support and gentleness towards each other, but we'll see.
I'm feeling a bit better now but will be feeding everyone something quick out of the freezer tonight and getting in bed early.
From where I sit, It definitely looks like you've turned a corner.
Don't doubt your strength now. I'm cheering for you over here!! You are helping others by sharing what you've learned and asking difficult questions. You are honest with your feelings and growth and that is amazing. Time to take care of yourself, my friend.
P.S. Feed those babies donuts if you have to. No mom-guilt allowed. When we aren't feeling well, we need to be gentle with ourselves. : )
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
