My wife is becoming obsessed with things. Working out and looking young has been a staple, but now the podcasts have gone to a new level. As I mentioned before my therapist believes she does it to drown out intrusive thoughts.
A typical day right now: She wakes up at 5:30am and spends 30mins putting on makeup - she listens to NBA podcasts the entire time. She then goes into closest to pick out clothes and get dressed, another 30mins with podcast. She then goes downstairs for breakfast / coffee etc. Another 30mins of podcasts. After work when she gets home, she will put things away, dishes etc. The entire time she is listening to the podcasts. She actually carries it around playing in her back pocket now, doing laundry, making supper etc. The only time she doesn't have it on is while eating / watches "the office" or reading a book. Yesterday she had it on til 10pm. In fact the book she is reading now is on basketball.
What I find interesting is the last time she was obsessed with basketball was during her teenage years when a lot of her issues came about.
I am concerned that she is developing / has a type of OCD. or do people think she is desperately trying to drown out thoughts / issues. How the heck is supposed to take on her issues if she keeps drowning them out?
I will truthful say she could be listening to NBA podcasts 4-6 hours a day now. She has to be listening to the same podcast more than once cause I doubt there are 6 hours worth each day. This is not normal.
She is acting out, i.e., like a teenager. Many of the teens listen to music, etc., w/those buds in their ears all day long. It's their way of drowning out the "white noise" around them. They want to be in their own little world and not have to communicate w/others unless it is something that they want or need themselves. In your case, have you given any thought that this is her way of ignoring you or discouraging you from communicating w/her?
Trust me, if she is in crisis, she will work out her issues in her own way on her time clock, not yours. Rational people deal w/their issues head on....but people in crisis circle around and around the barrel for quite some time before they hit the brick wall and actually focus on things. Sounds like your wife is in replay and teenager she is. Try to remember that you can't reason w/someone who is emotional or irrational. Yes, we think that what she's doing isn't normal, but to her, she is quite normal and okay. You can't reason w/her right now.
Keep the focus on you and what you need to do in order to stay sane.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It is a little odd, especially since, as you say, she obsessed on it in high school. I mean, lots of people listen to podcasts, and it can be a way of keeping your mind occupied when you are doing boring/repetitive tasks. But if this is new and unusual for her, it seems meaningful.
Do you have a sense of what her interest is based on? Is she an athlete or someone who was always a big basketball fan? Do you think she has romantic fantasies about the players? Has she had other OCD symptoms in the past? (Germophobia, tapping, counting, checking?) Will she talk to you about basketball?
Yes she does fantasize about basketball players, but this is pure news talk about basketball. She does become knowledgeable about it and I will sometimes ask her and have conversations about it. There are no other OCD symptoms. I agree with the teenager mentality but she will listen to the podcasts mostly when nobody is around and bothering her. She listens to it when there is silence and just her and her thoughts.
The podcasts have been around for a long time, several months. It used to be music though. The thing about the podcasts is that it went from 2 hours a day to now 5-7 hours. She does not listen to music as much while doing mundane things now podcasts. She used to listen to upbeat music doing laundry, lunches, cleaning etc. Now just podcasts.
I know the music was a distraction or way to deal with depression.
Sounds like she doesn't want to have to face things. I know that their thoughts run wild at night when they have absolutely no distractions and that is one of the reasons that they have difficulty sleeping. Maybe she's not ready to face whatever is bubbling under the surface and the podcasts are a distraction at this time. Let's hope and pray that she starts focusing on other things besides podcasts.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree, I almost want to bring up the podcasts with her because I know she will then think twice about them. She did tell me she felt she was going insane and that her brain is the issue. But last week she told me everything is fine lol.
Speaking of teenager antics. My wife went into credit card debt, I called her out on it since some of that money spent was from children accounts. Well I found a mutual fund letter from the bank. Turns out she has gotten some. I think her guilt about the kids $ has woken her up and she is putting money away for once. The only thing I can't believe is she did not discuss it with me at all. For crying out loud I'm her husband, those are our kids, our money. At least she is doing a grown up / responsible thing as far as I can tell.
W will exhibit those teenager behaviours until she grows out of it. Yep, hours and hours of videos, music, surfing, or whatever. My four “actual” teenagers all did stuff like that. Eventually they emerged from their safe bedrooms, or hidden lair - whichever they needed at the time.
Hours of mind numbing noise. And that is the point. They, teens or MLCers, have stuff they need to work through and quelling the mind helps. For some it is more of escaping. To get away from pressure from a parent or a spouse, or themselves. They distract themselves from what they have done or what they need to do.
I watched three of my boys rebel against me and hide out - distract themselves from the @ss they were being. Eventually each one in their own time made amends with me and grew significantly at that point, one could see the change in them.
And some times it’s just to stop focusing on stuff too much. Like how answers present themselves when one stops pushing for them. I think it is all linked, no one is just “one” way.
Originally Posted by bpd
How the heck is supposed to take on her issues if she keeps drowning them out?
For irrational emotional issues that is how you take on the issues. Remember these are big issues, crisis proportion, something you and I (thankfully) have only an appreciation of how dark and deep the torment actually goes.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Good morning, update is nothing new. Wife will not speak to me about us. There are days where she will barely speak to me and days where things are good. The overt depression is more and more noticeable. She has no expression, stares into space, zero motivation to do anything. She has moments where she is very irritable mostly with the kids not me. Unfortunately I still see replay stuff.
I personally have been good, I have an enormous amount of projects I'm taking on ariund the house. I feel much better but still feel a huge loss. I still struggle understanding how someone that loves me could treat me like this.
Anyways tomorrow is our 17th anniversary and I am struggling on how to handle it, could use some advice.
Please do not attempt to talk to her about the relationship. The more you attempt this, the more she's going to clam up and totally ignore you. Yes, she is zoning out and that is part of the crisis. I would suggest that you treat her as a roommate and just leave her be.
You have to remember....this is not about you...it is all about her and the inner emotional pain that she is dealing with. She would still go through this even if she were single, a nun or w/someone else. It's not you....it's her and her journey and unfortunately, she has to go through this.
Keep the focus on you and those projects that you are working on and do be sure that you do something nice for yourself along the way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I also have many project that need attention. I am attempting to get a new bedroom for D17 renovated. What projects are you working on?
job is right, R talks will push W further away. She is in no place to talk about you two, she has too much of herself to figure out.
I do empathize with your struggle to understand. She is in deep inner turmoil. Pushed beyond what she can handled. As such lots of “things” in her life get buried or ignored for some time. Spouses are usually one of those “things”. It is difficult to see at first, just how incapable of love an MLCer is. They are in a severe depression, and there is not much love in that dark pit.
The special days are difficult. Your 17th anniversary tomorrow. The sting does lessen as time goes on.
Keep busy and do not bring it up with W. No pressure. If she brings it up, be kind and respond similarly as she did. Expect zero.
You’ll make it through tomorrow. Focus on you.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
