Wow am I confused, this is a person that barely looks or speaks to me somedays. Treated me like an enemy past 6 Months. I have read a lot to be cautious and I desperately want advice on how to move forward.
Originally Posted by bpd
...how can this not be at least a minor good thing.
I am sure things are looking a bit confusing right now.
How can this not be a minor good thing? Let’s look at my situation instead of your’s; that way you can really sink your teeth into a detached view.
Let’s pretend that my XW, who has not seen me, or spoken to me, in over a year, and still lives with OM, showed up this afternoon at my doorstep, and we have sex. Does that look like some good movement towards healing or an R? I think you’d agree that DnJ probably missed a whole lot of important steps that her and I would need to take before being intimate again. I think you would see my XW as using me.
Of course your situation is not mine. I just used mine as an over the top example, something that for sure demonstrates that sex doesn’t necessarily equate to R.
In your situation. Is there an other person? Actual or even fictional? EA or PA? I think you believe there is no OP. In my opinion, if there is an OP, then for sure no sex.
But, how about when there is no OM? Like yours? W is out partying, gets home at 3am, and passes out in bed. In the morning wants to have sex. The past 6 months have been nothing.
So where is the dating? All the steps before having sex. You know walking, talking, watch TV, partying together, and so on. Her wanting you is the good thing. Her getting you, may or may not be.
Please don’t misunderstand. You are still married. It was just sex. It felt good, take it for what it was - sex and nothing more.
Remember roommates. She is confused and doesn’t see things the same as you. What if she is wanting roommates with benefits. Can you handle that? I think that would be a difficult path to go down - at the moment.
So moving forward:
Originally Posted by bpd
I said if she wanted to do it again later that I'm more than willing.
Don’t give her a free pass. This is bordering on pleading and begging. Let her pursue.
She still is not invested in the relationship. She is doing things she wants for her own reasons, her own feelings. Keep your wits about you. Focus on you. Let her figure herself out.
Have no expectations about another session. She may be eager or have no interest. She is confused and her feeling change a lot.
If she does show interest, what does bpd want? Unaffectionate sex or to be desired? Are those steps/dating important to you? You can say no. I know, what?!? Turn down sex? What a crazy idea.
Basically she is going to do what she wants and needs to. The stuff you need to stay away from, for your sanity, health, healing, happiness, etc... you place a boundary on, and you keep it. Other than that - roommates for now.
You focus on you, what’s important to you, and live your life. Now, as long as things are not hurting you or preventing your healing and growth, you can follow her lead if you want.
For me, unaffectionate sex is not important enough to divert me from my path. That goes for sex with anyone, not just XW.
If you notice, my statement makes no mention of my situation. Find that place for you. What does bpd want and believe in? With no justification based on your situation. Find that, and follow it. That is my advice for moving forward. I believe it allows you to heal and gives you the best chance at reconciliation.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
This happened to me as well, for about a 2 week span. It then became an early reconciliation that ended in catastrophe. The sex emotionless and the novelty wore off quickly. She was still enjoying the affair the whole time and was cake eating. Unless you see several months (years?) of consistent actions and behaviors, this thing is not over. The awakening will not be subtle, it will be like a slap of reality for all involved. Don't mistake a few "clear" actions as the end of MLC.
Sound advice, yes I will keep my emotional guard up. My plan to to continue my path of being nice and creating a safe place for her. I am 95% certain there is no OM but fantasy of one maybe. I hope she continues to see the therapist and one day will feel safe enough talk to me. It is such a weird thing to have happened and she is not cold and distant right now. Yes that can change and I don't feel like my emotions will cycle as bad as before. I'm preparing for it.
I’m sorry that you are going through this pain. Reading your posts brought me back to my beginnings in this crazy thing called MLC. I’m not how this will end, the only thing that may help you is for you to know that you are not responsible for your wife’s unhappiness , you are not.
Work on your self, made out this situation a lesson ( I know that it’s hard) give your love but don’t lose yourself trying to “reason “ with her, you are the enemy right now. You have to detach, you must to allow her figure it out what she wants. Love is never wrong, what is wrong is allowing someone to treat you poorly.
Your wife is somewhere inside this person that you don’t recognized right know.
Cheating and affairs are possible, you must be prepared.
Take control of your finances, don’t allow her MLC ruins you. Detach, detach, detach, as painful as it is is the only way to maybe make a way back.
My marriage of 27 years is crumbling down in front of my eyes, I’m still in love with the person I used to know, this new version is a despicable replica.
You are the “sane “ parent now, she loves her kids but for now you are it.
A big hug.
Last edited by job; 07/28/1901:07 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
Things are very very good. My wife is a different person. The cycling of depression has been going on for 6 months since bomb drop. For 6 months she was cold distant, I felt like an enemy. She wouldn’t look at me, barely talk etc. Over the last 2 weeks things have been improving, now she’s like her old self. Smiling, chatting, talking about future household things. We have also been having sex. She is also seeing the therapist regularly now and has posted stuff about picking herself up and putting back together again. The current situation is so amazing for my emotional well being. It doesnt confirm her transition / crisis is over but it does make me feel like I have plenty of time for her to heal.
I am not pushing for relationship talks. I really hope she doesn’t want the last 2-3 years of whatever she’s been going through to just blow over. We need to fully reconcile. I will want marriage counseling so that we can move forward with honest communication. I want to make sure her issues are resolved and that this will never happen again.
I can’t believe how different things are, it’s literally like she snapped out of it, in terms of the depression.
What should I do in terms of discussion of us? Will she initiate it one day? Regardless, right now is the greatest break of the cold and distant wife I’ve been living with. I am also prepared for it again because it truly feels like she recognizes it’s her and not us.
I would sit patiently and allow her time to settle down. You do not want to pressure her into talking about the relationship or where you go from here. If she is truly at the end of her crisis, it will take approximately 18-24 months before she's fully back in this world.
You have plenty of time to discuss "us" and for now, just enjoy the time that she's having moments of clarity.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Things have been going great with my wife. August was a complete turn around. The signs of depression lifted almost completely, we are talking again, she looks at me with desire, we sit up late and have drinks chatting about things. During these times she has opened up a little bit. She tells me about about trying to understand her immigrant parents and how they raised her, she is trying to accept their perspective. I knew that it was her Mom's cancer 4 years ago that set this whole thing off, unfortunately she fully believes she will get cancer, its just a matter of when and what type. She explains how she appreciates her job, the time off and $ but is completely bored with it. She talks about the future a bit with our family which gives me hope that she's not running away anytime soon. Her twice divorced friend life is in shambles because of the MLC she is going through. My wife is watching the train wreck happen. She was regularly going to therapy but I'm worried the sessions have ran out even though we have insurance to cover a lot more.
She is treating me completely differently, going out of her way to be nicer, better. She bought me an entire new wardrobe which I like but I feel like she did it to manage some financial spending guilt.
I am very happy with the way things are improving but I fully know it is nowhere near being over. I honestly think she is still in replay, the only difference is I am now along for the ride as a friend and not an enemy. She stills wants to party with younger people, she wants more tattoos, she's bored with her job, she wants to live life like a rebel teenager and not worry about responsibilities. I have been very supportive and understanding. I am letting her go at her speed with no pressure.
It's weird to have the relationship we currently have. We walk and talk like a married couple but she hasn't wanted to talk about us. No "i love you", holding hands, kissing etc. Part of me feels like she is scared to go there because it will be a moment she has to come to terms with everything that has happened.
Regardless, it's is so awesome to not walk on egg shells 24/7. We have been having sex more than ever. We are enjoying each others company again. It's been 7 months since BD and I am currently treating this like she is still in replay. My wife is a teenager right now, all I can do is ride this with her as a friend and not an enemy. I hope one day she comes to terms with her issues and can settle down as my wife, but for now "Patience" is my motto.
I appreciate this forum as a place to vent. Currently my wife and I are getting along in our new circumstances. New meaning she is a different person. She is in the midst of her MLC and I wouldn't doubt Replay. I believe my wife has settled for our marriage. She recognizes that her fantasy life is not plausible and that what she currently has is what it is. By all means this [censored], but I am doing everything I can to believe that she is not herself right now and that her feelings will return. I do believe she has feelings for other "man" or at least the fantasy of escaping. It hurts to think she her feelings for me have not returned and scares me to think they won't.
At home we function as normal as can be with the obvious Elephant lingering. We have sex regularly and we both enjoy this. We treat each other with respect and kindness. We even embraced in a hug and she told me that she is happy while on our 1st date in 8 months. I feel like she is trying but her feelings are still lost. It [censored] that she makes me feel like our 20 years together have been a farce and that I was never her true love. It [censored] to think she has feelings for other man even though they stopped talking 7 months ago. (As far as I know, 80% certain) We do flirt a bit which is nice, but once again I feel like she does things to just keep the peace. (wandering brain)
My biggest fear is that things will get better but she will relapse into another depression or question her happiness. I can totally see how anyone that offers their spouse excitement and recognition could cause them to sway.
Has anyone been in a situation where they lived with their spouse in MLC and things started to get better?
The first 6 months I followed Sandi's rules as best as I could and I still am in many areas. Should I even attempt to "Court" my wife or is it falling on deaf ears?
I feel like any current attempt to show my wife all the positives of our marriage will backfire. If she currently doesn't have romantic feelings for me but all the "good" is right in front of her then she will think it's just not meant to be.
It's difficult to maintain my "fake it till I make it" attitude. I have this lingering anxious feeling because of it.
Things I know I need to work on: I can't control her feelings. This takes time. Live my own life. Have faith in the process.
I read the posts and wow! So much of his story or at least interactions with wife are similar. Absolutely helps to maintain patience. I constantly worry that my wife will relapse and I will be treated like a ghost again. It [censored] having to gauge her state of mind with almost every encounter. Normalcy seems far away or at least being felt loved again.
