Making the best of the mess.

[97Hope]

Alison,

It's been very recent for you to get where you are, so I would expect that cold is the best you can muster, but I'm telling you that I had to fake it at first (the happiness) and soon realized that I was actually, well, happy. Not with the situation, not with him, but just - a happy girl.

If you can muster every bit of control you can - and remind yourself that he does NOT control your emo thermometer, you will soon realize how much control you GAVE him, and time to take your power back.

I don't know if this makes sense - but in ET (the movie) ET and Elliot were attached emotionally to a point where one would literally feel everything the other did. I realized that I was my H's 'ET' - I had no idea!! But I found myself waiting to see where he was emotionally to respond in the same. Soon after I realized that, I decided that H would not get to dictate my moods for me. They are mine and I will feel them as I see fit.

This may seem silly, but awareness for me was the key. Once I was aware of what I was doing, I was able to make changes. Now, if I am in a good mood - NOTHING can sway me that H does. If by chance he rocks my boat, I have the strength to stuff it until I am alone. I would challenge myself - no matter who/what comes through the door, I would focus on all the amazing things in my life. Some days it was that I was still alive (true story! desperate times, those!!) And no matter what H threw at me - or how prickly he was, I just wouldn't let it sway my mood. I left him to his own.

I hope I"m making sense. I've had a crazy day but wanted to check in here. Also hope I'm not sounding like a no-it-all, just trying to share what has worked for me. Sounds like we have similar H's.

[97Hope]

Hope, I am a conflicted optimist too. I always think that things are getting better between my wife and me, and then we go to MC and she tells the counselor that nothing is getting better. Then I am crushed. I have been stopping the MC sessions, but without them I never know if things are getting better or I am just being delusionally optimistic.

When you stop wondering if they notice and just do it - you will be in a much better place. Another Stander taught me that.

I think it's good that you quit the MC sessions. They were not helping IMO. I think IC is where it's at and from what I've noticed, MC just gives them a box to check that they "tried everything" and/or gives them a venue to justify their actions.

Trust me - if you are changing your W will notice, but she won't say either way and it is more attractive if you don't worry if she's noticing. Confidence is sexy!! Are you getting better? Focus on that. You won't get smashed that way.

[dillydaf]

Hope: I love that you've reframed this as YOU having your freedom! I'm taking notes here. I know that Alison and other posters with younger kids feel like they've been left to do the heavy work of day to day parenting, but my kids are teens and pretty independent so I'm reframing taking my kids places as quality time to spend with them (in the car is where ds2 talks the most!) And other than that I do have a lot of freedom to do whatever I want. I have plenty of money, I have kind friends to do stuff with, I have interesting work. I spent a lot of time tiptoeing around H's moods and needs when he lived here, I need to reframe my life as having lots of freedom. I've also reframed my life as being 'full' instead of whining about being too busy (I hate it when people do that). I have stuff going on in my life which I have chosen to do, and if I haven't chosen it (like cleaning the toilet after my teens) then I can still choose to have a good attitude about it (because a clean toilet is more pleasant than the alternative!). Looking back I had a crap attitude about so many things in my life, doing a 180 is good for me here.

And the 2x4 is noted, Blu. You're leaving them all over the place, you must have strong biceps right now

[AlisonUK]

Alison,

It's been very recent for you to get where you are, so I would expect that cold is the best you can muster, but I'm telling you that I had to fake it at first (the happiness) and soon realized that I was actually, well, happy. Not with the situation, not with him, but just - a happy girl.

If you can muster every bit of control you can - and remind yourself that he does NOT control your emo thermometer, you will soon realize how much control you GAVE him, and time to take your power back.

I don't know if this makes sense - but in ET (the movie) ET and Elliot were attached emotionally to a point where one would literally feel everything the other did. I realized that I was my H's 'ET' - I had no idea!! But I found myself waiting to see where he was emotionally to respond in the same. Soon after I realized that, I decided that H would not get to dictate my moods for me. They are mine and I will feel them as I see fit.

This may seem silly, but awareness for me was the key. Once I was aware of what I was doing, I was able to make changes. Now, if I am in a good mood - NOTHING can sway me that H does. If by chance he rocks my boat, I have the strength to stuff it until I am alone. I would challenge myself - no matter who/what comes through the door, I would focus on all the amazing things in my life. Some days it was that I was still alive (true story! desperate times, those!!) And no matter what H threw at me - or how prickly he was, I just wouldn't let it sway my mood. I left him to his own.

I hope I"m making sense. I've had a crazy day but wanted to check in here. Also hope I'm not sounding like a no-it-all, just trying to share what has worked for me. Sounds like we have similar H's.

You're making perfect sense. And yes, the more I detach from my H the better I feel. He is depressed and miserable and irritable and anxious and doesn't know what he wants and isn't able to be consistently civil - but I'm NOT. I hope I can move towards being warmer with him at some point in the future, mainly because it is much better for our children for them to feel comfortable and not on edge when we're both together, and I have my contribution to make to that. But right now, I am concentrating on getting some space between his feelings and behaviours and my responses and reactions. I need to detach myself from whatever internal mess he's in, because it isn't my mess, isn't mine to fix and isn't mine to share.

The ET analogy is really really striking. I think we were like that. I'd get so anxious by his anger - or even the prospect of it - that in the end I could barely cope with him being tired after a day at work... I think I am mainly past that now, thank goodness.

[97Hope]

Hi everyone.

I've been busy. Good and bad. I'm turning a corner.

After reading and re-reading this conversation I've decided to move out of the family home. I can't afford it, it's huge and I'm overwhelmed.

My s17 and I had a long talk last night. He said that I need to be prepared because H is looking at a place closer to us for a couple of months and then plans to move back into our house - but not with me. S17 told H that if he "kicks his mom out of the house he will never speak to him again" - I discussed how none of this is a surprise to me etc. but S is super angry at H. I listened and validated, answered questions, and encouraged him to continue to speak to his dad about his feelings etc.

But then I realized, a part of me is holding on to this house like it's my MR or like I'm still waiting for H to come back to me. By staying here I am not moving on. and I need to move on.

I don't want to, but I didn't want a lot of things.

We are looking at a house today at 4. It's wayyyy smaller, on a much smaller lot, but I can afford it and I won't have any more reasons to talk to H.

I've realized that these past 2 years I have been standing for my marriage and H hasn't changed one bit. Even though I do believe 100 percent that this is a MLC/anxiety/depression for him, he isn't doing the work necessary to be in a R with me.

I also realized that as much as I want a new R with him - deep down - I also know that who he is is not who I want to be with.

Guess this all just takes time and work to figure out.

As long as I live here, he will continue to come by (because I can't do this on my own) and have a reason to see me. I need to step away now.

If you pray, please pray for me. It's easier said than done, but I know what I would tell my dear friend. Get out of the way and let him sink or swim. So that's my next step.

I will see a L if this place looks promising and make sure I'm not giving up any rights to anything, but since H moved out in February and left me to deal with the majority of the work, I think it will be fine.

[dillydaf]

Wow, sounds like you have been doing a lot of soul searching hope. He wants to kick you out of the house? Ouch. Is he moving someone else in or moving in alone?
You sound sad but ready to move forward. Hugs. That sounds like it has been very, very hard for you. I admire you for not being angry and for encouraging your S to talk to his dad, I'm not sure I would be that nice.
A fresh start seems like it would be good for you, I often think of selling my house and moving somewhere else, but for now I need to stay put for the kids for at least the next year. The memories weigh you down I think, I hope it's easier to start afresh in a new environment. Lots of hugs xxx

[DejaVu6]

Hope... I think you are absolutely doing the right thing and that moving away from the memories into a place that is just yours will do you a world of good and be a giant step in your journey towards detachment and a new R...whether that be with a new and improved H or some other lucky guy you have yet to meet. Embrace the discomfort you feel...it means you are heading for a change...a new life...a new you. Try to think of it as an adventure and an opportunity. That’s what I’ve been doing and it has really helped me. The ink is almost dry on my divorce papers and my STBXH is marrying his OW next July apparently. It barely bothered me when I found out but had it been six months ago, I would have been devastated. That’s why GAL and 180s are so important...for you. Good luck!!! You can do this!!!

[97Hope]

Hi Dilly!! I really want to stay here for my S17 but he doesn't ever want to live with his dad again. No matter what. Ugh. He shared that with me last night.

Ideally, I'd stay here for one more year so he can graduate. He's my youngest, so after that I can be flexible.

The house we went to was a total bomb. lol S17 said it would be fine and I said, you know, Tom Petty said it best - we do not have to live like refugees!! We will be great, but not in that place.

Deja, that's exactly how I'm looking at this! An adventure and opportunity to have the R I've always wanted. It is NOT with my H right now that's for darn sure!! After last week, I need to stop dating him. Nothing happened, we just had a nice convo with Blu.

In the meantime, I'm working on just not being here when he comes over and I'm going to have to have the conversation about him not just showing up and limiting his time here. It will have to be soon as he's planning on moving into a rental 2 miles away.

Question for everyone: Am I reacting to his actions? That's what I don't want to do. I feel like I take 2 steps forward - 1 back in this area. I'd love to get to a place where I'm not reacting to what he does/doesn't do, and this feels like he's holding all the cards. I don't like it. Makes me feel pinched.

[AlisonUK]

Sounds like you've been doing a lot of soul searching, and I can't argue with your conclusions. The fact that he'd speak to his 17 year old son about his plans - plans that concern you, and emotionally affect his son - without putting you in the picture first speaks volumes. It's avoidant and childish and selfish and again provides evidence that he's not operating on a level that makes him remotely worthy of you. I'm not surprised your son is angry.

On the other hand, it does sound like the house you live in needs a lot of work that means it's only suitable for a couple.

As long as I live here, he will continue to come by (because I can't do this on my own) and have a reason to see me. I need to step away now.

Your move might provide you with some clarity. The friendly contact you've been having might continue, and you'll know it is because he wants to see you and not because he needs to do some work in the house. You might not want to see him, of course (and I wouldn't blame you) but it could give you that extra physical separation that would be healthy and help you see where the land lies.

I wish you and your son well.

[Yorkie]

97Hope

I don't think it's a reaction to him but a positive action to move forward with your life.

I too have to leave the marital home because of his actions. And I felt like a victim. So, for me, knowledge was power and resulted in a shift of mindset.

I saw an IFA. I could afford to live in this house at a pinch. A harsh pinch. And have no money for the GAL activities and have a worry about what was going to need fixing next. Or I could sell, rent for a short period. Get his sorry backside into court and when I know the final settlement figure, then go and buy the house that I want (with a mortgage) So, I chose option 2.

He pays nothing to the house, his child etc but I can manage in the short term. But I feel so free. I made a choice. I no longer feel like his victim. I can move forward.

This financial / house stuff was my final fear preventing me from truly moving forward.

Flip the dynamic. Don't be a victim to this man's actions. If moving means you can have that extra security and comfort and live your life, then it is the right choice for you. Your S wants to see his Mum happy. He only needs a floor to throw his clothes on!!...and his loving mum.