Turn and face the strange - Ch-ch-changes

[bttrfly]

Andrew my dear. One must crawl before one walks. Developmental stages. I feel like maybe B has jumped over a stage by moving in - you've now missed the romance piece. It's been truncated by every day life. So, now you both have to make the romance a priority. Don't know how you're gonna do that, it's for you both to decide. We're here. xoxoxo much love doll. xoxoxo

[AndrewP]

Thanks everyone. Feeling better today. I think B rates really high on the "emotional intelligence" scale - something that I'm crap with. She has an intuitive way that I'm slowly getting used to of knowing my moods. How she reacts to them isn't always helpful but we're learning.

Surprisingly she came back earlier than expected from her son's place yesterday and we did erranding together and stayed home and puttered. She made the dinner she'd promised and both S24 and I pronounced it excellent even though B wasn't satisfied with how it turned out. After dinner we watched a movie.

Today we slept in and then B headed off to the cottage after we each made our separate breakfasts. I'll stop by for an hour or so after lunch. It takes an hour to drive out there but it's a glorious sunny day. She's going to overnight there and I'm not sure when she's planning on being back on Monday. Fortunately for her, her son even though he and the boys were invited are choosing to not go. I think he's had more than enough Mom lectures for now.

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I think that no matter how long people date that the actual cohabiting is a whole different thing. I know that I expected this to be easy. It's not but it will be worth it and regardless of who is on that side of the bed it would be work. I know that now.

I'm grateful for the skills I've learned knowing the importance of communication and not letting things fester. Also also for knowing when to keep my trap shut. And knowing that it's ok for me to have boundaries.

Speaking of romance, we worked through the July budget together this morning. I think this process still confuses and somewhat bores her. She did ask about some of the numbers and I checked to see where some of the June spending went off. We had not gone out on a single date for the entire month of June. Our single dinner out was with friends. We are changing that. We also talked about the actual incremental costs that exist with her living here. It largely comes down to a bit more in utilities and a 30% increase in food. Roughly about $400/month. She still isn't in a place where she has her finances sorted out but at least we now know numbers.

I think she finds it odd that I'm so open about money. I do believe that we'll keep finances separate for the long term though and B has also mentioned some planned "her" expenses coming up in June that she'll pay and aren't part of the budget.

I think that now that her computer is fixed that she'll be getting a better handle on things. She actually asked me about spousal support calculations. Personally I think that she's going to have a hard time getting anything

I do still worry about whether she's happy here or not. I try hard to make sure she knows that I'm happy to have her here - even if I do get grumpy from time to time. I do think that she misses a lot of her former life. Living on the lake "up north" although she doesn't miss the mosquitoes or leeches. She misses her Audi that died on her. The pontoon boat that she was never allowed to drive. She misses going on cruises regularly. A lot of that lifestyle I'm learning was based on unsustainable spending from an inheritance her STBX got along with just running up credit cards and debt. Is she here because "it'll do"? I try not to worry about that.

On the other hand I treat her with respect that I don't think she ever got. We do have a comfortable life. I am pretty low maintenance I like to think and she's getting more comfortable I think with how I'm self-sufficient.


I've got some steaks out for S24 and I to have for dinner and a list of things to putter on around home - something I like doing. I'm going to have a nice soak in the tub with my digital library book, then go for a walk, have some soup with my friend at the cafe and then head out to the cottage for a bit.

[kml]

Sounds good! Don't worry about if B is unhappy at not living an unsustainable lifestyle based on debt. She's seen where that got her financially. If she's not the kind of woman who can step up to the plate with managing her finances and live happily within your combined means then she's not really the one for you, is she? Give her a chance to step up to the plate.The fact that she's even willing to sit down and go over the budget with you is positive.

[Ginger1]

Going from first date, skipping the romance and going right to married couple is not easy. You guys seem to be opposites too. Making your lives work without really knowing each other must be a real challenge. You guys skipped the dating part and went to budget talks. M and I just told each other how much money we make.

What was important to you in a relationship? Were you looking to just have someone to always come home to? That’s totally cool if that’s what you wanted. But right now it almost seems like you have a roommate? Living sort of parallel lives. Its Just what I observe from what you write here, and that may not be an accurate description.

For me, I really enjoy the romance part as well as the real stuff. I love doing house projects with him as well as our nights we go out for dinner and drinks and maybe see a band or something like that. Where we take the time out to connect . It’s a balance. Spending time with the kids, then having times to our selves as a couple and our alone time too.

What do you guys enjoy doing together? That both of you enjoy? What is your common ground? Only from what I take from what you write, you guys seem to be total opposites. In the way you do things, live your lives and what you both enjoy doing in your free time. Doesn’t mean it can’t work, but what do you guys do to nurture enjoying each others hobbies?

I’m sorry, but I do have to be honest. Because I care. But from what I see, do you consider she found herself a soft place to land? I worry about. I just hope you are happy and this is what you wanted. Yes, everything is work, of course, but sometimes I still sit here and wonder why you skipped over some very important parts of a relationship.

[AndrewP]

What do you guys enjoy doing together? That both of you enjoy? What is your common ground? Only from what I take from what you write, you guys seem to be total opposites. In the way you do things, live your lives and what you both enjoy doing in your free time. Doesn’t mean it can’t work, but what do you guys do to nurture enjoying each others hobbies?

I’m sorry, but I do have to be honest. Because I care. But from what I see, do you consider she found herself a soft place to land? I worry about. I just hope you are happy and this is what you wanted. Yes, everything is work, of course, but sometimes I still sit here and wonder why you skipped over some very important parts of a relationship.

Thanks Ginger. I appreciate your honest questioning.

If I can be cynical for a moment which may seem unkind, the reality was that B's lease was up and she could have either moved in to a small apartment / shared accommodation or in here. It certainly seemed like a logical choice to us for her to move in here. It wasn't so much about me rescuing her as it was eyes wide open taking a chance that this will work. Again, being cyncial, there are a lot of practical things that I bring. Big house, full fridge, bank account with black numbers in it and not red. I'm low maintenance and easy-going about most things. Even though as kml points out I do have some OCPD issues they are more about me being a creature of routine or as I would say, boring and predictable. Certainly a comfortable place for a middle-aged woman who while I find her beautiful is of average looks and very modest means to end up in I would think. You know as well if not better than most how thin on the ground regular decent guys are especially once you get up over 40 much less B's 56 I joke from time to time that the rider may have fallen off but this old horse still knows how to trot on command. Again - being completely honest and a bit cynical here. This certainly isn't like it was with my ex where we were madly in love and she took over my life literally from our first date. And that lasted almost 30 years and tbh was all things considered a reasonably decent marriage over-all.

When I started seriously looking for someone to share my life back in February I was looking for someone very like B. Someone who is mature, has their life together, is self supporting and who is a basically kind person. Interests in obscure late medieval history, documentaries, theatre, international politics and economics was optional.

While I'm confident that I had a fairly broad set of choices for partners aged from 35 to 65, I think that B had few choices as her tales of her dating experiences illustrate. We both also have the choices of continuing on alone. Something that I was seriously considering and if things don't work out with B, I would probably consider that again.

You are right - we don't have a huge amount in common. Unlike others like CL for example who on paper is a fabulous match with similar education, interests etc. And if I would have spent more time in the dating pool I may well have found someone or even hooked up again with CL who seems to be through a lot of the drama of her divorce.

What I love about B is her kind heart. She is a passionate person who makes me joyful to be around her.

You are exactly right - with the speed that things happened, we didn't get a lot of chance to get comfortable and to learn a lot about each other. On the other hand, we're both in our mid 50s and recognize that life can take twists without warning. We also know that we have separate interests which is why this weekend she's at her cottage with family while I'm puttering around the house being domestic. Both of us doing things we enjoy. And then we share the joy of our separate experiences when we are together. We intersect on our caring for our separate families, our love of peace and comfort, cooking, shopping. It was a choice we both made to take a chance that this will work for us.

So - B is off for the weekend with her extended family at the cottage and tanning on the beach there. Doing what she loves. And I'm fixing the front steps, gardening, cooking, cleaning, reading and writing. Doing what I love.

Part of what I hope will make this work is also one of the things I did when I was married. Regularly questioning if I was doing all I could to be sure that my partner was happy. This time though I won't be hiding my light under a basket. And that's why I still come here to explore those questions. Am I doing what is right for ME as well as what is right for B. So far the answer continues to be yes.

[kml]

Shared interests can be overrated at our age. While it can be nice to have someone with shared tastes in music and movies and books, it doesn't go as far as someone who is kind and good in bed.

[Ginger1]

so In your 50’s kindness and good sex makes a relationship?

Hmmmm. If it doesn’t work out with M, I’m just going to wait until my 50’s.

[bttrfly]

LMAO. ok from Ellie's lips to cupid's arrow, lol

[AndrewP]

it doesn't go as far as someone who is kind and good in bed.

Have you been peeking in my window at night?

Without going in to details - oh my heavens - I had no idea

[AndrewP]

Happy Wednesday from sunny and hot Upper Middle Lower Kanukistan! We're getting some proper summer weather for the last few days. Makes living in this house without air conditioning a bit tough but we have lots of fans. Fortunately B doesn't like air conditioning. She says that it makes her allergies act up. S24 hasn't put his window unit in yet which involves a long climb up a rickety ladder.

So - I'd been worried that B wasn't really happy and perhaps struggling a bit and since I'm as subtle as a sack of hammers and nearly as bright, I just made sure to tell her very sincerely how happy I am that she's here. I also apologized for being a bit grumpy lately due to issues at work and also just getting used to having someone here. We talked. It should be all good. She of course minimized my being grumpy but I think that the apology went a long way. My working harder on being positive will probably help more.

We are also finding our way around the kitchen together. Neither of us are used to help but it was smooth last night.

On a "that's wierd" note - I stumbled across some pictures of my now ex and OM from early 2017 that were the accidental "big reveal" when friends tagged them on holiday in Roatan. B had been curious about what they looked like so I showed her a couple of days ago. Fortunately seeing those pictures barely hurts any more. It is what it is. B had an interesting comment. Looking at the body language, while they are "together" they also aren't. No touching, a photo with another couple where the other couple had their arms around each other, they didn't and were standing some feet apart. Similar in other pictures. I've always believed that OM controlled that relationship and ex-w accepted whatever crumbs she got which is odd because she was very controlling in our relationship. She was also very physically affectionate outside of sex which she had no interest in other than to tease me in circumstances where she couldn't deliver.

I recall the time I saw them together shortly after she moved out I believe in August 2016, walking outside the house she was renting here in the village. Again - they were walking "together" across the lawn but several feet apart. And this was a woman who would be upset with me if I wasn't holding her hand and we were rarely an arms length apart.

As far as I know they are still an item after all these years although I don't believe that they cohabitat. Not my issue but I do feel sorry for her in that the dreams I had expected her to be chasing bear no resemblance to the life she seems to lead. She's also not seeming to be helping S24 with his driving or seeing him much. When I was talking to him about taking his driving test he was thinking that he would need to do it on a day when either I or B are around.

I really can't do anything about the relationship between her and the kids. I neither enable nor inhibit. When D27 comes up at Thanksgiving it may be a bit awkward and some negotiating may need to be done.

If we want to measure her against the MLC script I honestly couldn't say what stage she is in. Perhaps withdrawal? If so, she's been there for probably over a year. The fact that she was able to actually drive in the lane with S24 and the input from the people at the car dealership might indicate that she's over the rage that she certainly had towards the end of the divorce process. I don't wish her any ill will even though undoubtedly I will always have that core bit of anger towards her. Even if B and I were to not work out, I can't imagine starting a fresh relationship with her though. I'd be happier and better off alone.

B's S38 has landed himself a part-time job at the grocery store around the corner from where he lives so is "of course" counting on his mother to baby-sit for now until he can get care organized. B has put him on a waiting list for subsidized care. So that means that for the next couple of weeks she's going to be losing time at work and looking after GS3/GS4. I suggested that this afternoon since she'll have them for 6 or 7 hours that she brings them here where they can roam around the big back yard, watch TV etc. I won't have much to do with them as my home office has a door that closes. After we're going out for dinner probably on a patio somewhere. This is hugely positive news that he's putting down roots and getting more independent. For complex reasons that are none of anyone else's business he's a bit upset with his mother presently but still relies on her.

July is hoped to be a month where we can finally start settling down a bit and get in to a routine.

B's birthday is at the start of September and I'm trying to plan things out. Her birthday was never celebrated by her STBX in all the years they were together. I'll organize a cake and perhaps reach out to her kids to see if they have plans or at least will call in. I used to do that for my ex and it was always fun - except for the last year we were together when she had to first tell OM to not call. I like buying jewelry and am trying to learn her tastes. A big feature are dark blue sapphire rings in unusual settings. She also likes big hoop earrings. Buying a ring this year is probably a no - but a nice box for her to store and display in replacing the cardboard boxes which although pretty don't do her collection justice may be the way to go. Thoughtful and modest. I took some pictures of her jewelry and will probably stop by the jeweler I usually use to see what they might think. I also snuck out a ring and test sized it on my pinkie finger to know what size she wears.

Well - back to the sulphur pits for me.