H will be leaving in the next few days to take kids to visit his family out of state for about 10 days. I'm looking forward to having some time to go through some things around the house and to only have to worry about myself. =)
I do have an event (PD conference) that I had coordinated with him in January, he was supposed to have the kids during that time but now his job conflicts. I need to find a good way to tell him that once I'm back from the event and his work starts that he needs to move his things out and into the hotel.
I'm not sure how to address this. I was thinking maybe a text would be appropriate since that's how he communicates 99.9% of things that are important.
My H is taking our 2 kids to visit family for the next 10 days.
This is the first time I’ll be away from them in almost 2 years. I’m going to keep myself busy. I feel so sad.
H also asked about getting me something for my birthday (from the kids) and I told him it wasn’t necessary. I’m not really sure what to do about any of this.
I am sorry this is hard for you. I can see your struggle. Can you think of the 10 days as a gift of time and self discovery, rather than a loss and loneliness? It can be really hard to shift our perspective in that way, especially when we are feeling down and out, but it can be very, very effective. What if this were 10 days that you planned for yourself? What types of things would you fill them up with? I am not great about remembering to make lists, but when I do, it feels great to do them and cross them off. Can you put a list together of tasks and GAL activities while they are gone? Commit to a couple each day. Do things you enjoy that your family doesn't. One of the silver linings in my sitch, was that I learned to be more independent, enjoy my alone time more, and also realized that I don't actually need my H to be okay in life. No one does. It is all about perspective.
Regarding him staying at your house, well I think that is massive cake eating. If you read any of my posts, you will see that I take a very hard line approach. I tend to think that WH will not even reconsider coming back until they actually lose their W and family time. He has to know that you are not plan B, that you are fine without him, and that you are moving on with your life. That means ZERO cake, ZERO pursuit, going dark, and only responding to emails about kids/finances. He moved out and told you he wanted D, so you are planning your life accordingly. Look, when people move on, get D, and date other people, they rarely ever have a friendship, family time, and stay with one another. So by allowing that now, it just smacks of desperation. He doesn't want to come back to that even if at times he enjoys the cake of family.
On the flip side, if he saw a beautiful, strong and confident woman, much like the woman he met, and she was moving on with her life and had lost any interest in him at all, well wouldn't you know, he would surely be having second thoughts and might even feel like he needs to hurry up before it's too late ....You know which WH that messes up and then comes running home and begging the W to take them back? It is the W that puts her foot down, let's go, and moves on without looking back, because she knows she is the prize and it's his loss. She is not sad, needy, and desperately waiting for time with him or hoping he will return. She is confident, completely disinterested and detached in a guy like that, but also able to be cordial for the kids sake (she is not Plan B). It might feel pretty arse backwards, but this is human nature. He wants what he cannot have. But those LBWs do not post here, because they are not trying to save their M, so we cannot see it ...
My best advice to you -- and anyone here -- get Audible on your phone and your first book is free. The best thing I have heard in awhile is "The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F-uck." By author M.M. I thought it would be cheesy self help book but it is so much more than that. It is brillant, insightful and down right hilarious. The way he reads it and is this great story teller, is sheer entertainment too. It will no doubt help you gather a much greater perspective of your life during this mess.
Blu
Last edited by BluWave; 07/03/1902:56 PM.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I have listened to his book, it was my 1st audio book. I will listen again because I need a refresher, plus I love his voice.
I did make a list of things to do daily. For the most part I achieved them each day. The weekend was rough because the weather was very stormy and I wanted to stay inside.
Walk outside 10K steps 1 G of water Read Tidy up
I did walk a 5 mile trail around a lake that I could never get anyone to agree to and that was really fulfilling. I did watch a season of a tv show too.
My birthday was this weekend and I did get a package from H. He told me he was getting me something from the kids and I firmly told him not to, but he did it anyway. I left the package on the table and I told him I'd open it once the kids got home...
I also got a card from my M-I-L, It basically said that family times are better with me, that I'm a joy, Happy Birthday... It had me feeling very indifferent.
I have not been texting H that much since they have been away. Just being polite and keeping it short and sweet.
I do need to work in GAL because I do not do well when I feel lonely. I did eat my emotions and that had me feeling like crap.
Okay I need help. My H leaves soon and I need to set clear boundaries, I think it’s best to do it in person.
I’m thinking about saying that I’m glad I was able to help with summer for the kids sake, but going forward he will need to not stay in the family home. That we need healthy boundaries going forward and I know that’s a good start.
What am I missing?
I don’t know if there’s more I should say, but I was to detach so he can work through what he’s going through and so I can keep GAL and thriving. I have been following Sandis guidelines and it seemed at times like H was enjoying being around me, but I really feel confident its time to detach and end the cake eating.
[Journal] I have a lot of anxiety today leading up to this boundary setting conversation that will happen tonight.
I want it to come from a place of strength and love without seeming cold.
The boundaries I will set are:
- Him not being welcome in my home going forward. (part of me wants to add unless we are reconciling the marriage, but I think that may be too much)
- Limiting communication to be about the kids and using email, he can call if it is an emergency (he likes to not respond to texts and he's hung up on me a few times in the past).
- Closing out the joint account and having him send the support money to my personal account.
I have read and re-read the posts on boundaries and it makes me feel so uncomfortable. I guess that's the point though.
I feel so sick about all of this. My stomach is in knots. I know it's for the best, it is seeming to be very difficult.
This visit w H was very nice for our kids and we did spend some QT together, cooking and watching our old favorite shows. I did get out and GAL as much as possible, but the time spent together was definitely bittersweet.
I just don't want this feeling to scare me out of making sure this conversation happens face to face before he leaves.
- Him not being welcome in my home going forward. (part of me wants to add unless we are reconciling the marriage, but I think that may be too much)
I'm not sure what you mean by this? If you mean you don't want him just coming over and hanging out in the house that's fine, say something like "Now that you've moved out I feel like I could use some time to adjust to this new living situation, so I would appreciate it if you could respect my privacy from now on" and then maybe give some details on what that means. As an example, after my XW moved out she would just come over and let herself in and go through things. I finally told her "I would appreciate it if you could respect my privacy and let me know in advance if you plan on coming over, and knock on the door when you get here and I will let you in. Also please try and get the rest of your stuff out by XX date so we can be done with this." A lot of WAS's do the "slow bleed" thing where they find all kinds of excuses to come over to grab a pair of shoes they forgot or whatever. Of course they would be SHOCKED if you went to their new place and just walked in, the nerve! But they certainly have no problem making themselves at home at your place!
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- Limiting communication to be about the kids and using email, he can call if it is an emergency (he likes to not respond to texts and he's hung up on me a few times in the past).
Sounds reasonable. Just try to use "I" language. "I need some time to adjust, it would help me if we limit contact to kids, I hope you understand."
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- Closing out the joint account and having him send the support money to my personal account.
I'm curious why you want to do this? You can leave the joint account open and whenever he pays into it just transfer it into your account, correct? If this hasn't been a problem you might leave it as-is for now.
