I seriously don't have a clue how to piece…but others will chime in shortly
I would go slow to make sure her motives are genuine and think about counseling
maybe check out the piecing forum to get some help and suggestions
Most of all continue your self care and since you have some time before she actually gets home, continue to research and soul search Im sure your sons will also have a lot to work through you want to be prepared for anything because some of them don't seem to make it to the other side of this even though she is saying it- you will need to see her actions-just my opinion and all the best to you! keep us posted follow your gut-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Try to remember to give her plenty of space and also....this is a new relationship. The old marriage is gone/dead. Learn to listen and only offer up your comments/advice when she asks for them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Go slow and make her do the work! Don't take her back until she's proven herself. If she wants to get back together with you, she needs to be in therapy to figure out why she did what she did, needs to be 100% transparent, needs to keep her obligations to the kids etc.
Unfortunately, taking it slow is going to be awkward as she'd be moving back in at the same time. Perhaps have her sleep in another room (with my son) for some time until she feels more comfortable (or I FEEL more comfortable)?
She has indicated she wants to see a therapist, and that should be fairly easy to get her going on medicare to cover that in this state.
I agree with Job & peacetoday, this is something entirely new. It's going to be super awkward, but as long as she's committed to putting in the work, I'll be more convinced her intentions are pure.
Two new data points:
1) OM beat her up after he found out she was talking to me. She sent a photo of herself with a black eye and small cut under the same eye.
2) Strangely enough, the OM bought the ticket for her as she pleaded to see her kids. She had points to get her own flight, but it seems she's using the OM to get here. **shrug**
I'm just going to stay the course and not react to anything she's telling me. It should be much more clear where she's at once she gets here and not via text messages.
Is this the right approach or should I be looking at these items as "red flags"?
Me: 48 WW: 43 OM: 53 met 12/16 to 10/19 M: 18 T: 20 D20 S18 S9 BD 05/22/16 W asked for D 6/20/16 D final 1/9/17
Well.... things didn't happen the way I thought they might.
XW arrived, spent one day with our youngest son, and left the next day. We had a good visit, it was light, and we laughed a lot. I thought things were going really well, but then I didn't hug her goodbye and I could tell she wasn't okay with that.
She hasn't contacted me since until today she sent me a song and wrote me a text asking if I would consider letting her have him in California. I told her she can call and discuss, but the answer is going to be a big nope.
As for the song, it was called 'Hero' by Maren Morris
On paper we go together I know that we look the part But almost never hangs on forever I know I'm breaking your heart
So go on, say what you want to I'm not gonna stop you You can blame it all on me
I'm not the hero in the story I'm not the girl that gets the glory 'Cause you're looking for true love And I'm not the one But I wish, but I wish I was
Hmm, I wish, oh I wish I was Hmm Wish I could feel about you The way you feel about me But you can't make a heart say something That it don't believe
So go on, hate me if you have to I hate myself too 'Cause as much as I want to be
I'm not the hero in the story I'm not the girl that gets the glory 'Cause you're looking for true love And I'm not the one But I wish, but I wish I was
Hmm, I wish, oh I wish I was Go on, hate me if you have to I still care about you Hmm as much as I want to be
I'm not the hero in the story I'm not the girl that gets the glory 'Cause you're looking for true love And I'm not the one But I wish, but I wish I was
I suppose the message she's trying to communicate is that she's made her decision to stay with OM. I dunno how much clearer that message could be. That's had me spinning a bit today. I know it doesn't mean much and I should keep standing, but that doesn't take the sting out of the message.
Could use some good JuJu sent my way.
Me: 48 WW: 43 OM: 53 met 12/16 to 10/19 M: 18 T: 20 D20 S18 S9 BD 05/22/16 W asked for D 6/20/16 D final 1/9/17
Im sorry things did not work out the way you wanted or hoped
I dont know your story well- but when I read your post I thought...maybe you were being saved from something by her leaving quickly
If it is true that she opted to stay with OM , who is physically abusive-- this also says a lot about hwere she is and unfortunately many MLCers affair down as well as tumble down into very dangerous lifestyles sounds like You have custody and seems that your children will be safer without being exposed to her lifestyle at this time
Continue to move forward whether you continue to stand or not continue to pursue your happiness and highest goals-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
You're right about all of it. I have my children, they're away from their mother's lifestyle, and her leaving quickly was likely a good thing as well. I'm going to stick with your line of pursuing happiness and my highest goals... Seems like a legit plan.
Additionally, this has now given me the opportunity to totally cease contact with her (outside of kid convos). I've never been completely detached from her like this, so I can only imagine it'll be better for both of us.
Me: 48 WW: 43 OM: 53 met 12/16 to 10/19 M: 18 T: 20 D20 S18 S9 BD 05/22/16 W asked for D 6/20/16 D final 1/9/17
Today would have been our 21st anniversary. But I'm not sad.
W insisted we have a call last week. She poured her heart out and saying she wants her family back and that the decision is all mine if I would have her. Apologies and lots of crying on her part.
She still lives with the OM, but claims she's "taking from him" until she has saved enough money to get out here. She also started AA (12 days sober) and also a therapist who believes her cancer was formed from years of pent up anxiety and trauma she never dealt with. She seems to agree and wants to go deeper to face her demons.
It all seems genuine this time, so I'm cautiously optimistic. I've just been listening and trying my best to restrain myself from making any comments or asking her questions.
We will see how this plays out, but prayers and lots of good vibes sent my way would be nice
Me: 48 WW: 43 OM: 53 met 12/16 to 10/19 M: 18 T: 20 D20 S18 S9 BD 05/22/16 W asked for D 6/20/16 D final 1/9/17
