OM Backed Out

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Job. I think she may be winding down a bit too. It will be 9 years since bomb drop in October so, it is definitely time I would think. Like I said though, it is a little heartbreaking since she is returning to the person I once knew. Maybe not the same person, but a more "normal" person...the person that I'm familiar with. I would love to know if she is still using the hormone cream.

As for my little grand baby, I'm totally stoked. I've only seen him on the day he was born, but will get to see him again this coming week. My S24 has been sending me daily pictures and updates. (Ones I've been posting on FB.) Can't wait to see him again and can't wait to teach him about animals and take him to the zoo when he gets a little older. It's funny, I don't ever remember being this happy when my own kids were born. Not sure why this is different, but I'm enjoying it.

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Just journaling....

I think XW's MLC has left me very jaded.

I think this because I really have no desire for another marriage or any type of a relationship at all. I know that's not really a bad thing, but I've seen others on this board move on to a new relationship and even a second or third new relationship. Me? I want no part of it.

But the other reason and I know this isn't healthy....

I find myself worrying a lot. You see, I have a brand new grand baby that I absolutely adore. He was born on June 17th. S24 and "baby mama" are not married, but they say that they plan to get married "someday."

I fear and am absolutely terrified that something will happen between them I will not get to see the baby. (She has a six-year old from a previous relationship.) Maybe they'll break up before getting married and she'll vanish or maybe they will get married, but divorce and she'll vanish and I won't get to see the baby.

I'm afraid to get close to him. I'm tired of having my heart broken.

Again, I know this isn't healthy at all and I can't go through life like this, but it is something that I can't help.

Just wanted to tell someone.

Tad

[kml]

Oh Tad sweetie - you've got PTSD. And while you think you're protecting your heart by not getting too close to anyone, in the long run that's hurting you.

As for a new relationship - it's not necessary. It can be nice, and life-affirming, but can be challenging. It might help free you, (it did me) but you also need to be strong enough to take what comes.

But you need to fill your life with friends and family if you're not going to seek another intimate relationship. And I think a good therapist could help you with your PTSD.

[DnJ]

Hello Tad

Just wanted to tell someone.

I hear you Tad. I am sorry for the emotions that hold you.

I’ve been right where you are. There wasn’t a grand baby - it was my best friend and his wife (my W’s best friend). I had such a strong feeling that his wife was also going to suffer MLC. That they would break up and divorce. I was so terrified, I even called him in the middle of the night to see if everything was ok and to warn him. Thankfully my best friend was understanding.

I fear and am absolutely terrified that something will happen between them I will not get to see the baby. (She has a six-year old from a previous relationship.) Maybe they'll break up before getting married and she'll vanish or maybe they will get married, but divorce and she'll vanish and I won't get to see the baby.

You’ve said it very clearly. You are gripped in fear, terrified, paralyzed by an irrational emotional response to a possible future event. You need to uncouple your emotion from that possibility - then you will stop reinforcing your emotion - then you can let it go and let it wither.

Control. A lot of this is based from your perception of control - in a couple of ways.

To uncouple an irrationality from a perceived future possibility - rationalize it. Look at it with intellect only, just reason and logic - pure intellect doesn’t have emotions. (Get in your intellectual car for this next part)

If S24 and GF do at some future time break up, your being fearful and terrified is not going to stop it. You cannot control what happens with their relationship. S24 and GF are responsible for their happiness, their bliss, their problems, and their solutions. Yes, you could influence them, a bit, if they asked for advice. However, you are far from exerting any control over them. Their lives are very much their lives.

Tad, drag this possibility into your intellectual realm and keep it there. Your emotions will have nothing to hold on to.

The second control to look at is yourself.

You can only control yourself. Emotions, feelings, desires, beliefs - none of these you can directly control. Your direct control only applies (mostly) to your physical self and your thoughts - reflexes, dreams, and other such things are why we only mostly control these. Actions and reactions, both physical and mental, are the areas where you can exert direct control. This direct control then influences our emotions, feelings, desires, beliefs, and so on. One cannot directly control their irrational emotions; one “controls” their irrationalities with acceptance and influence.

If you smile, you feel happy. A physical action influenced your emotional state. Thoughts have a similar affect and influence, the reason why you need to drag this into you intellectual realm.

Given time and repetitive efforts your thoughts and “new” feelings will influence and alter your beliefs, the deep held values that make your core convictions. When you believe you are no longer afraid - you will be so.

What a person can control is a small part of themselves, a small window or interface to their being. It takes time and mental assertiveness to influence change within. It can be done, believe it.

From what you’ve said I see three fears - a break up (projection of your relationship), not getting to see the baby (abandonment), and having heart broken (hurt and pain).

(((Tad)))

I’ve been here. Letting go of fear is so worth the effort. Believe in yourself, believe in the strength you have, you can face this and be free.

I know this isn't healthy at all and I can't do not want go through life like this, but and it is something that I can't help am going to change.

Look at your fears. Rationalizing the event (starts the uncoupling), influences your emotions, which leads to emotional understanding (acceptance), emotions are not reinforced and wither.

Like anything, this is accomplished one small step at a time. The first steps are the hardest - push back denial, admitting, and identifying. Tad, I think you’ve taken the first steps, do continue with the next one.

I’m right here, knelt down beside you...

Fear

DnJ

[bttrfly]

{{{{{{{Tad}}}}}}}

You are not alone.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you bttrfly, DnJ and KML.

KML, about the PTSD - I've had others mention that to me before. Maybe I do have it. Hard to believe that someone could damage another person so badly.

I'm not totally against or avoiding a new relationship....I'm just not looking for one and am fine if a new one doesn't come along.

Maybe a therapist could help me, but I really don't feel like digging up all that stuff again.

DnJ, yes I need to quit living in fear....need to stop worrying about something that I can't control. Very difficult to change my way of thinking. Will obviously take some time.

From what you’ve said I see three fears - a break up (projection of your relationship), not getting to see the baby (abandonment), and having heart broken (hurt and pain).

BOOM. Yep. All three.

I've had abandonment issues my entire life. My parents divorced when I was 4. I was tossed between parents and grandmother the entire time growing up...always getting pushed onto one or the other...my stepdad was military and we moved every 2-3 years without fail. The only stable thing in my life was....my marriage. (Or so I thought.)

As for the hurt and pain:

That's interesting. I seem to be over emotional in some areas (animals, babies, innocent things) and ice cold in others (relationships.)

Make any sense?

My grandmother used to tell me to not worry about things I can't control.

Easier said than done.

bttrfly, thanks for the hugs.

Tad
(Still can't believe that I'm posting here.)

[bttrfly]

As for the hurt and pain:

That's interesting. I seem to be over emotional in some areas (animals, babies, innocent things) and ice cold in others (relationships.)

Make any sense?

Yes, that makes total sense. The areas where you're overly emotional are those which are safe. Relationships are a crap shoot. I get it. And yw, xoxoxo hugs any time xoxoxo isn't that what we're here for? To help each other?

[DnJ]

Hello Tad

yes I need to quit living in fear....need to stop worrying about something that I can't control. Very difficult to change my way of thinking. Will obviously take some time.

I am glad to see your willingness to share and speak about this. Important steps.

A need to quit leaving in fear - very good. A desire to make that happen? I am pretty sure it’s there.

Looking at this whole picture is overwhelming, break it down into smaller pieces. You don’t need to change the way you think, about everything, all at one time.

Let’s start with one.

The only stable thing in my life was....my marriage me.

Looking back over your life you see the abandonment the shuffling from one to the other. Get this thought solid in your mind - you provide your stability. Not a marriage, not a job, not even DnJ (haha ) - You.

Your overly emotional responses to animals, babies, and other “safe” things is you processing feelings that have been stirred up. The ice cold absence of feeling regarding other relationships, in my opinion, shows denial. That is not a conscious choice, it is a subconscious mind not ready or willing to examine or accept something.

In both of these cases - you control you. Consciously stay in your intellectual car - by the way I’m guessing you read about the cars and highways I’m referring to - and seek a reasoned view of things. You can only influence your subconscious mind by your thoughts and actions. The reason why the intellectual car is so very important - that is the seat of your control.

So, in answer to you. Yes, this makes perfect sense.

I know this difficult inner work; I am knelt right beside you and I care. Just like detachment, which is what this really is, the process can seem rather counterintuitive at first and one has to take a leap of faith at times.

Now, where to start, which fear to look at? Which trigger? Which event? I would suggest abandonment and the baby, your grandson.

Get in that car. Stay intellectual, keep your emotional response out of this.

Your goal is to uncouple those fearful ideas and feelings from seeing and spending time with your precious grandson.

You, Tad, control you! Every time you can - see your grandkid. Control your physical self and hold him, go see him, lots! If this is causing you some panicked feelings - you are not in your intellectual car.

Look at what I propose. He is your grandson and you should see him. Let all those “other” thoughts and feelings flit away and enjoy these moments. Embrace them. Look forward to them.

That is how you start to change your thinking. That is a rational approach to this. Continue with other rational thoughts and justifications for this very worthwhile and loving relationship. I have many, I am sure you can find even more.

Your irrational side of this will loose its grip and become detached. Then it withers. Don’t feed it, let it wither.

Your grandson, this new person. He has done absolutely nothing so you know he is just a trigger. See that. Uncouple that. Follow the path and find the true source.

Remaining in an intellectual realm and therefore less emotional will cause an unbalance at times. After a visit, getting home, and alone, you may find your emotions well up - that’s good. Let them, you need to feel them, you need to drive your emotional car as well, that is the path to acceptance.

Fear is not an enemy, or something to be battled into submission, or faced and defeated. It is part of you. Fear needs to be understood and accepted, its grip over you loosened. Forgiveness is part of this - fear and forgiveness are closely tied. Well fear and non-forgiveness, and fearlessness and forgiveness. Just a little peek at the wonderful and joyful life that is totally within your abilities to achieve, which makes all this difficult process so very worth it. And if I may, once achieved looked back on, and wondered why one was so afraid in the first place.

(((Tad)))

DnJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks bttfrfly and DnJ.

Bttrfly, when I say over emotional, I mean seriously over emotional or hyper emotional. It's stuff that doesn't make sense. For instance:

(1) I used to love watching "Deadliest Catch" on Discovery Channel. It was my all-time favorite show. Can't watch it anymore because I "feel bad" for the crabs.

(2) The last time I was at the park, there were two men fishing and one of them had a crumpled up soda can and empty bag of potato chips sitting next to him. I shouted "Don't forget to take your litter when you leave." I would never do this before. I wasn't nasty towards them but it could have been interpreted that way.

(3) I used to be a big wildlife documentary fan. I used to love watching them all the time. Now, I have to watch them with caution because if I see animals dying or being eaten by other animals. It makes me sick....physically sick....upsets my stomach. I'm almost certain that this is not normal. Not for me anyways. I've always loved sea life and birds growing up, but never actually cared about things this way or was never bothered by things like this.

DnJ, good words. If my feelings towards innocent things are feelings that have been stirred up, shouldn't they go away eventually? I mean, is it always going to be like this? They seem to intensify over time.

It could be that not wanting a relationship is denial, but I truly don't want one. To me, a relationship just complicates things. I'm happy with the way things are. I like things to be simple.

Seeing the grand baby - I am very busy with work, but I plan to see him every other week if I can. Hopefully, every week from time to time. Just don't want to be a bother to the new mom and dad. As mentioned before, I actually have another grandson that I never see. I've never met him. S33 is "estranged" I guess and nobody on our side of the family sees him much. That could also have something to do with the way I feel towards this new baby.

I'm generally well, but have been struggling a little bit lately. I sometimes get the feeling that I'm just an after thought or second choice where my boys are concerned. I work a lot and live in a very small apartment. XW has a nice house and has time and money to do things. (Still convinced that she only married OM for money and I was no longer good enough for her.) The boys always spend holidays with her. She always goes overboard with things like that. I usually get a text or message on Facebook from them and that's usually it. Again, just feel like an after thought and probably wouldn't even be missed if I moved away. Sorry, just wanted that off my chest.

Peace.

Tad

[Gerda]

Oh my gosh, Tad, you sound like you are carrying a heavy burden. It sounds like you are hurting so much. ((((Tad)))))

You know what? Your sensitivity about the animals is beautiful. Maybe getting nauseous is the right response.

And maybe it will pass and you will not be so sensitive. To everything, a season.

But maybe right now you are just so open to pain that everything hurts and feels personal. I cry at the slightest thing in a commercial -- and forget about it if I see someone do something really kind or really suffer on the train. I cry the whole way home. Maybe we should all be crying MORE in this world, maybe there would be less suffering if we all opened our hearts to the suffering we witness.

Now about feeling like an afterthought. I connect this to what I wrote above. But I will say one thing, as a daughter to a man who often says things like that -- those thoughts may be a lie. You may be believing a lie, a dark force in your mind, because you are sad and raw and burdened. Maybe all those people are waiting for you to love them more, to show up more, to not be busy with work, to be just really fun and full of joy when you see them, to pay for things for the grandson and to be more interested in them than in your own pain.

The pain is real. The burden is real, and I not only hear but understand you and want to give you a big hug.

But a gift you can give your kids is to put the pain in a box when you think about them or see them. Don't make a symbol out of anything they say or do. Invite them over on Christmas instead of feeling left out. And if they say no, go volunteer at a homeless shelter to cook a meal for someone else that day. Use your life, use it, you are here for a reason, and once you live that reason, you will not feel so burdened.

But while you feel burdened, remember that Gerda is sending you a big hug and understands your feelings of rejection and pain and drifting perfectly.