I have a lot to update, and I'll probably miss a lot of it. I am a mess right now with indecision, hurt, etc. Essentially, I've been playing detective for so long that it's just now hitting me.
I blew the affair up this weekend. I told her I knew, without giving out details. Then I went to sleep in the spare bedroom. When I woke up she was gone. I spent the next day sitting with my family in a catatonic state. I texted to let her know I fed the dogs and threw in that I hoped she was okay. She replied that she was okay and looking for an apartment. I asked if all this is what she wanted, and she said no, but that shes a train wreck, that I deserved better. I told her I agreed that I deserve better and will not share a wife, and that I didn't understand how someone I'd adored could cause immeasurable pain.
At this point, she started apologizing for hurting me, told me she knows her words have no meaning now, and that she doesn't recognize herself anymore. She will give me any space I need. I told her she didn't have to hide and she said she will be around however much I want. Her words have shown remorse - she owns that it was her choice, she understands if I want to divorce her but she wants to reconcile. She confessed the gory details and told me all the hard stuff. Shes spent the last few days trying to move to her apartment and has been very remorseful.
I dont know what I'm really doing right now. I'm feeling it all for the first time now that it's in the open. Her stuff is in boxes. I love her but she has to be out for a while to let me think.
Last edited by oops13; 06/27/1903:41 PM.
May: discover PA April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA March: different bedrooms, IC Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
I texted to let her know I fed the dogs and threw in that I hoped she was okay.
I wouldn't of done that you are pursing her when it should be the other way around. She should be asking if your ok.
Originally Posted by oops13
She replied that she was okay and looking for an apartment.
Look at her actions.
Originally Posted by oops13
I asked if all this is what she wanted, and she said no, but that shes a train wreck, that I deserved better. I told her I agreed that I deserve better and will not share a wife, and that I didn't understand how someone I'd adored could cause immeasurable pain.
I would have said we definitely need some time apart.
Originally Posted by oops13
At this point, she started apologizing for hurting me, told me she knows her words have no meaning now, and that she doesn't recognize herself anymore. She will give me any space I need. I told her she didn't have to hide and she said she will be around however much I want.
I would have said I definitely need some time and space to think.
Originally Posted by oops13
Her words have shown remorse - she owns that it was her choice, she understands if I want to divorce her but she wants to reconcile. She confessed the gory details and told me all the hard stuff. Shes spent the last few days trying to move to her apartment and has been very remorseful.
Again her moving to an apartment is actions. Her words mean nothing.
Originally Posted by oops13
I dont know what I'm really doing right now. I'm feeling it all for the first time now that it's in the open. Her stuff is in boxes. I love her but she has to be out for a while to let me think.
We are here to help. First off stop pursing her! She needs to be in the mindset of I will do whatever takes to make this work. Right now I am not buying it.
I asked if all this is what she wanted, and she said no, but that shes a train wreck, that I deserved better. I told her I agreed that I deserve better and will not share a wife, and that I didn't understand how someone I'd adored could cause immeasurable pain.
Oops. As in oops, not your name. This is not going to help you. Remember, she already BD'd you. She already had one or both feet out the door. Most WAWs want to minimize the pain their LBH endures. They know they have to hurt you to leave you, but they don't really want to devastate you. This is her language here. "I still want to leave, but I don't want to hurt you. So I am leaving because of MY mess, not because of you."
Originally Posted by oops13
At this point, she started apologizing for hurting me, told me she knows her words have no meaning now, and that she doesn't recognize herself anymore.
This proves what I am saying.
Has she said she wants to stay? (Don't ask her that by the way. Asking her if this is what she wanted was a mistake.)
Her moving to an apartment is your answer. If she wanted to stay she'd start working to stay. She is sorry she got caught, not that she cheated. In fact, do you really think she will stop with OM?
Believe it or not oops, a lot of WAWs/WWs actually are relieved when their LBH finds out about their A. Why? Because now it is out in the open. They don't have to hide or pretend. They can now move forward with Plan A full speed ahead. But they don't want to completely destroy you in case the need to fall back on Plan B.
Instead of "Is this what you want?" to "I am looking for apartments.", how about "Oh, do you need me to help?" "Can I help you pack?" "How quickly can you be out?"
Do not let her cakewalk. Do not let her hedge. Do not let her use you. DO NOT BE PLAN B.
Last edited by Steve85; 06/27/1904:55 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I told her I need her out so I can think, so Im not fighting it. You all might be right though. Im not even sure what I want.
Like I havent committed to or asked for reconciliation. I have only committed to she needs to give me space to think and that theres hope depending on what she does. So Im hedging and I hate it.
She hasnt quit her job. I havent asked. Ive maintained that I want her to move out so she has to pay rent.
So were both hedging I guess so its full of holes.
Last edited by oops13; 06/27/1905:17 PM.
May: discover PA April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA March: different bedrooms, IC Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
I know this is tough but you have to be careful acting out of emotions. So you tell her you want her out so she is for an apartment and then you say are you sure that’s what you want.
Now she gets an apartment because that’s what she really wants and she gets to play the victim telling everyone you threw her out.
I know it’s hard because you’re just trying to stop the pain but again when you pursue a woman who has rejected you and ripped your heart out it lowers your value in her eyes.
Back to DB and no contact unless she initiates. Then your response should be I need time to think.
