Married MIL-MIL is a tough thing. Sorry that you are here but happy that you found this site.
I am a career military guy, 21 years so far. Its been tough with only one of us deploying. With 2 deploying it really complicates things. I was gone for a year and came home to the papers and restraining orders. Its hard.
Do not excuse the A, or behaviors otherwise.
Be strong, make some goals for yourself and actually do them!
For GAL, my kids are 11 and 8, they don't get to use tablets at my place. We always get out and do something. Find a new park, go bike riding on new trails, bowling, planning a camping trip with my sister next month, hike up a trail to a waterfall, etc. I always cooked when we lived together; I always make it a point to cook them their favorites. Eating out is a minimal activity. W takes them out regularly anyway.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
I started this week using the gym in my office. So far it’s going well. Most days when I get home I’m in chill mode or playing catch-up with laundry and errands. I do leave my 11 yo S alone to spend time with my D 6.
This weekend was interesting. I DB'd the best I could.
I GAL and noticed some 180's, my sister and her 4 kids came to visit. We had so much fun we went to a park and played mini golf and got the kids ice cream. They played and had a blast. My H arrived on Sat afternoon and when he got in the house, he seemed confused that I had company (I 180'd and didn't run this by him first). I told him that my sister was here visiting for a few day. He paused for a second then said "okay" and went to surprise the kids.
That afternoon we went to a playground and everyone had so much fun. My son and H played BB and the little kids played and ran around. That evening I made homemade pizzas (one of the things that my H and I loved to do together is cook). I prepared a few different kinds and delivered them to my H and my sister. We had wine and a good conversation. My H was in the living room watching a movie with the kids so I stayed with my sister to visit in the dining room.
When it was bedtime, he attempted to give me a hug so I gave him a short 1/2 hug and took the kids to bed.
On Sunday we went swimming I drove to the pool, but H took the keys to come home. I did slip and flirt a little. I told him that he looked good driving my car, he smiled. After we got back home H went to the store after because my sister requested that he make some food. He's very talented and makes some amazing dishes. He jumped at the offer. When he is away, he doesn't cook anymore, but when he comes back home, that passion he has comes back. I know he loves to cook for other people and I'm glad he did that. He also asked for my help in the kitchen, I'm trying not to read into it too much, but it definitely felt nice.
That night, I tucked my kids in and he gave me a big hug, I went in for the real thing but kept it brief.
This morning I got a ride to work and left my car at home so he could take our S somewhere for his B-day.
I'm at work with healthy meals packed and I'm going to the gym around lunchtime.
I feel so good about all of this. I will continue to DB and practice my life-long 180's.
Things I know I need to work on... physical appearance-looking my best when he's around--not waiting on him so much. I have always catered to him without him asking. Like bringing him a cup of coffee in the morning, having a breakfast prepared that he would need to re-heat (I didn't make him anything today).
I do feel like I'm making progress and will keep y'all updated.
LB, I'm sorry to hear that happened to you and yes, MIL-MIL is tough!!!
I really wish that I will arrive at retirement with my family intact. That is the goal. We've experienced so much and it seems like it's a lot of sacrifice for nothing if it ends with a D.
I am working on setting up some goals for myself and seeing them through. I am experiencing some mental resistance with that.
I am trying to focus more on getting out of the house to do things, my kids really enjoy their screen time. A little too much.
I am confused at where things stand at the moment. So your H had multiple As, he moved out of the house (when?) and he filed for D last Nov (or said he would), is that correct? So he more recently started coming over for family time or that has been a constant since he left?
So he comes over for family time -- homemade pizza, some hugging and flirting from you -- and then he goes back to his place for his single life? I think you see where I am going with this .... we call this cake eating and unfortunately they usually do not come around and want to R when this happens. And why would they? They can have the benefits of a M and family life and then leave and have the benefits of single life. Or did I miss something in your posts? (sorry if I did, I have read several new threads recently).
Here is what I have found reading here for 5 years and in my own sitch with a wayward husband (WH) that came back to our M over 4 years ago. WH do not come back to their wives (Ws) until they believe that they are losing them. As long as the W is plan B (he knows he can have her if his plan A doesn't work out or if he changes his mind) then he will not come back. He may enjoy the cake and come/go as he pleases, but he will not make changes, do the hard work, or recommit to the M. Actually, in the mean time, the relationship corrodes as he loses respect for her.
He loses respect for her because she does not value herself and tell him, "enough is enough." You see a strong and confident woman does not let her H come and go and do what he wants like this. She demands that she is treated right, that he commits to her and the family, and that if he made mistakes, that he is willing to do whatever it takes to show her change and earn her back.
Suzy, does any of this ring true for you? Does your H know you are his plan B?
Blu
Last edited by BluWave; 06/24/1904:20 PM.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Apparently I am confused too. The PA was in 2009, the EA (flirting over social media has been ongoing, he doesn't consider at a problem because they are his friends) have been going on throughout the M.
Since he left in 2017, every time he has come back for work he has stayed in our home (we sold our house in 2018, that's a long story, BL we had 3 houses for 4 months because our buyers backed out right before closing and I had already moved) and my rental. I would estimate he's probably been back and staying with us about 7-8x/year. He also came for X-mas, thanksgiving... He has never stayed in a hotel. I'm guessing he probably should have. My rational behind him staying with me now is that he would be able to notice my 180's, but you are right--it's cake eating.
I appreciate your advice and it makes total sense. I never thought that he would lose respect for me but I can see in ways where he may have.
I know that I told him when he sent the D papers that I was going to press forward because it's what he wanted. He never said he had too he just kept saying I think we need to see it through. I told him if that was the case that I wanted him to know that I would always be there for him (ugh plan B).
I am really kicking myself for not valuing myself enough from the beginning of the separation. I can't go back and change anything I just hope that going forward it's worth DB-ing. When he left initially I should have started DB & 180's, I got so depressed and couldn't function. I'm sure that was a total turn-off.
I was under the impression that we were still together and going through a rough patch, just getting a lot of mixed signals but I think he knew that I am plan B...
Thank you. I'm not sure where to really go from here. I'm worried that if I make him get a hotel, that he won't be able to notice me, but maybe that will give him an opportunity to miss me. Idk...
I am a little confused. You mention that you are kicking yourself for allowing the cake eating, but he is still staying in the home in the guest room. Is there a way that you can create some boundaries that protect you from this? I feel like if someone wants to leave their family, claim they want D, then they should stay somewhere else and start actng as if they are D. Do you think he knows what it feels like to actually lose you and family time? Would he begin to miss that?
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
He definitely doesn’t know how it would feel to lose me. Initially I told him he wouldn’t be able to stay because I felt that it was the right thing to do. He was supposed to have 4 weeks with the kids. When I told him that he changed it to a week because he’d have to stay in a hotel and get a rental car.
I was really disappointed that he would do that to the kids so I told him we could discuss it and I didn’t have an account on here yet to get advice at that time. I told him he could stay in the guest room and that I’d leave my car so they could do what they planned. It seems like I’m enabling the cake eating ...
I have never really set boundaries to protect myself. I just hate that the kids would be affected by this. They are already having a hard time. With him in the home everything is calm and peaceful. Lots of laughter and quality time.
I need some help working through this because I’m really torn.
I have been keeping myself very busy so I’m not around much. Going to work early and getting out to run my weekend errands after work.
H does seem a bit sad at times and I notice him looking at me and the kids more, like taking in the moments.
I’m thinking my next move is having him go to the hotel once his work starts and telling him to plan ahead for next time. Thoughts?
I totally took advantage of having H in the house. I ran my errands early and got a lot done. I woke up early and walked 2 miles on Saturday and ran the same route Sunday afternoon.
I did a bunch of laundry and didn’t do H clothes like I normally would have. 180
We did stay up on Friday and Saturday bc H bought wine and cheese. He also cooked for us. I had a few glasses each night and enjoyed spending time with him without expectation.
