Job - I really did go through h€ll and back and have such a clear conscience that I did my best. Mine was such a wallower. It was a slow, arduous process. So thankful to be released from it all. Blessed, truly blessed. Ignorance is bliss and watching him crumble before my very eyes was like being stabbed to death with a dull knife.
Ownit - we are divorced and have been since March. I didn’t really post it because to me the marriage was over so much longer than that and I just worked hard to forget the whole D process, which was awful as it was like trying to use logic with a three year old. In the end, I left some things on the table, but I waited until it would have cost me the same in fees to fight for it all. And caused all the stress of lawyers and court dates. In the end, mine would have fought over pennies in the couch cushions. He loves confrontation and arguing. I am conflict avoidant.
Speaking of that dynamic, had my family wedding this weekend. So fun! It was the first time I saw extended family since the fall out. This side of the family is particularly Catholic. But they were wonderful. I was given a lot of space and dignity. Closer cousins came to discuss and support. Others gave me space. One of the most judgmental people, who is actually related to my sister’s in-laws, was someone I was particularly dreading seeing. Her h was a notorious cheater in his younger years and she put up with a lot to stay married. He chronically broke his vows. I think she wears it as a Catholic badge but I don’t think he really cleaned up his act.
Anyway, she did not say a word. But when I left she hugged me and whispered “hold your head up high” then gave me a very supportive look. It actually made me tear up. The person I dreaded the most, in the end, was the one who most fortified me! Just when you think you know how things will go; hence, make no assumptions!
Kyh - I did set up a back up to ex for dog sitting. Thanks for the wise advice. Ex was giving me a hard time before leaving by asking all sorts of questions about our travels and all that. I found it comical as the last few years, he was so checked out we were gone visiting family all the time without him! And his phone was off all the time back then as he was “starting to find himself.” Now all of a sudden he is the concerned father wanting to know what road I am driving his kids.
And the day of dog pick up, he started texting me how long the dog would be in my gated yard as it was going to rain and he didn’t want him in the rain?!?! I responded I had a covered area and he would be dry. Then he asked how long he would be outside (which I already told him when I asked him to dogsit.). So I just ignored that. He texted the kids constantly all weekend long.
To those still in the thick of it, it does get better. It really goes. We have the ability to make ourselves happy. Let go or be dragged. And when you let go, you start to soar!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I'm glad you were pleasantly surprised by the family member. So nice when people exceed our expectations, rather than fail to meet them.
I love the pennies in the couch allusion. Mine is extraordinarily conflict avoidant and passive aggressive. I am far more direct. I wouldn't even mind confrontation and arguing if we could get to an end point from it. I just see a negotiation style that is directed to never reaching a resolution, so rather than negotiating against myself in frustration, I just let him spin his wheels, at least for now, and sit back and eat the popcorn.
I'm glad you are past all the court stuff and can focus on having a wonderful life. Can't wait to read what exciting things you and the boys get up to.
Tomorrow is my 5 year anniversary of BD. It is unbelievable that a 1/2 decade has passed and still more unreal what happened in the following years.
Sometimes still, I think of who my ex was and cannot reconcile who he became. And yet, when I think back on it there were some head scratching moments in our life together that now, in hindsight, show he was heading on a collision course. Recently, I came across a photo of him when he just turned thirty. He had a tough time with that number. Aging was always an issue for him. And sure enough, in the photo there is an oddness to his eyes. They are not shark eyes but deer in headlights.
I know now that anyone who has an MLC was always a bit broken. We gloss over the oddities because we are fixers.
Ex still ignores me completely if we are at the same event for kids. It is sad for the kids.
I have very few glimpses into his life. What little I see is very unimpressive. He is buddies with s17 in a way that I know will bite him when S17 grows up. Many months ago S17 would not clean up his room. This was over a year ago, soon after ex moved out. My niece was visiting and I told him it needed to be done before she came. He stalled and stalled. The night before her arrival I put the screws to him and said it needed to be cleaned now. He started to text his dad spinning some story to get out of it. I called ex and explained what was happening and asked him not to involve himself as son needed to clean his room.
Well, ex picked him up and let him stay at his house for days. That is the person with whom I am coparenting. Pathetic abuse of his power as an adult. And I called him and said to him he should be a father not a best buddy, sent him a pic of the room (truly gross- just like ex’s dorm room used to be, hah). Then I turned off s17’s cell service and told him it was punishment for not cleaning his room. Ex told me s would not leave his house until I turned the phone back on. See that? So smart of ex to be son’s wingman and build that buddy relationship.
The two of them just grew closer. Better buddies through it all. One other time, same thing: ex took s17 in when he wanted to get out of chores. It was really sad to see that manipulation in my son. But I could see they were the same mental age: too teens using each other to get what they wanted.
I know this will blow up on ex once S17 grows up and realizes his father was more interested in being liked than telling him to fulfill his responsibilities. Ex also involves s17 in matters like bills we are paying and says dishonest things like I don’t pay my half. It is so sad how ex is more interested in being liked than being a real dad.
Ex still always brings up how much he has to pay me. He definitely thought the D would be something he controlled. He tried to write his own proposal! Uhh, I’ll pass on that and get a lawyer. He recently made a comment that he “gifts” me money. I was straight and said he does not “gift” me anything, rather, he is “ordered” to pay this by the state of California. Uh, you don’t have any control here buddy.
A few weeks ago, s17 was very rude to me on the phone. Long story short, I told him I would not be spoken to that way. He buddied up with his dad and decided to stay there on days he was supposed to be with me. He has learned he can get out of things by running over there. Sad. I texted ex saying this was all bad, s17 was learning how to get out of being responsible, learning to run away and it was wrong of ex to buddy up with him. Ex told me his house would always be open to s17?!?!?! Umm, so he can run away from his chores and from being respectful?!???!
The days s17 stayed with ex were hard, dark days for me. I felt like the only adult in the room. By the third day s was supposed to be with me, he wasn’t even texting me that he was not coming home. It was very painful and stressful. I realized I was defanged by this immature relationship the two of them built. Anytime I tried to parent, s could run to daddy.
It was not a relationship I wanted anymore. So unhealthy on all fronts. I had to let go. I started divorce busting my kid. I detached and acted as if. I stopped calling or texting him. I was not going to bend this time. Ex texted me saying that if I wanted s17 back I was going to have to call and ask him back?!?! No thank you. Done negotiating with two manipulative 17 year olds. I did not answer. I left them to each other. In my head, I treated it like the affair partner relationship. Give them to each other.
Many days later when s17 was supposed to be at my house he returned and was there when I came home from work. I just acted as if. I think he could sense something in me had changed; which it had. I let go and dropped that rope to save my sanity.
That night he first returned S17 texted me from downstairs asking to talk. I ignored it. It was late and I was going to bed and didn’t need the stress. That too is different for me; ever the fixer. I am finally learning how to take care of myself. He came upstairs and he initiated the conversation. He told me he wanted a better relationship with me and that he recognized he made a mistake and that he needs to follow my rules. He was quite upset, crying through it. I was not. Also a first. I was very matter of fact. I told him I loved him but this behavior did not work for me. I was candid and called him out on his manipulation and said it was sad that his father and him tag teamed up in this fashion. I said if he wanted a better relationship with me, that needed to stop.
Things got better from there. I texted s the next day and thanked him for talking. And most importantly, I see glimpses of s growing up. I know someday s will remember these events and understand he was being used by ex. Funny enough, ex had a buddy relationship with his dad and step mom growing up. It took him until his 30’s to see it. He told me once that he smoked pot with his step mom when he was in 3rd grade and then took a bath high. I was appalled and told him she put his life at risk. He could have fallen asleep high and drowned. He glossed it over but when our first son was in 3rd grade he finally understood what she had done and he lost respect for her. I know s will lose respect from him, too.
My sense is ex has zero life. He seems always available to hang out with s17. I don’t get the sense there is a raging romantic relationship for ex. I could be wrong but it does not seem so. He stands all by himself at events. Just comical as he could not wait to get away from me to build this amazing fun life. He moved 1 mile away and seems to be working feverishly to be besties with S17.
As for me, things are pretty good 5 years out. I survived and am stronger and wiser for it. I stay pretty busy but also relax on the nights I don’t have the kids. I sit by the fire and just enjoy the peace in my life after so much turmoil.
I am still dating this same guy. And that has been nice so far. He is very funny and we laugh a lot. He appreciates me and tells me that often. My sister was visiting and he met her. He made dinner for us which is something my ex never could do. He is very settled in himself. No issues with running from aging. This guy is all grown up which is super important to me after witnessing life with a man child. He cooks, cleans, irons, gardens; Renaissance man. And no, I am not dating Andrew!!!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
There is much similarity in the growing up needed for a MLCer and an adolescent teenager. The MLCer is just cranked to 11 is all; much much more irrational.
At five years out you do sound great. Sitting by the fire and enjoying the peace of your life. It’s wonderful.
S17 is growing up just fine; he’s got a great example in you. Undoubtedly he will still push your buttons and test your boundaries. Kids are supposed too, they need too; it’s part of growing up.
My D17 is following a similar path as her three brothers; boy vs girl does change things a bit though. In five more years your S17 will be S22; like my oldest. They do a lot of growing up, it’s something to see.
How is other son doing? I’m unsure if he is 15 or 19; following or leading.
It was really good hearing from you. Have a great a Sunday.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
You handled the situation w/your son very, very well. DB is not just for the MIA spouses as you have shown. It can be used in day-to-day situations as well. Well done!
I do hope that your son realizes that he has a great mom who would do anything for him.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
And sure enough, in the photo there is an oddness to his eyes. They are not shark eyes but deer in headlights.
I see sadness and depression in so many of H's photos throughout the years. And a sense he was not engaged in life that was happening at the time. So much time wasted, IMO. For him.
Originally Posted by HaWho
I know now that anyone who has an MLC was always a bit broken. We gloss over the oddities because we are fixers.
Boy does this ring true. I swept so many things under the rug, or made excuses for H about why he was acting the way he was. I, too, am a fixer. It took this crisis to realize I can't fix anyone. They have to fix themselves, but can't unless they want to or have the courage to even start.
The sitch with your Ex and son - makes me wonder what is worse. No relationship (ignoring), or trying to be buddies. Neither are good in any event.
Hi Hawho, Wow you really handled the situation with your son so well. He respects and trusts you. You made a safe space for him. As he gets older, he may recognize the lack of substance in his relationship with his dad... which is so sad.
I’m happy to read the rest of the update. You are a warrior and I’m glad things are good with you 5 years out. Also happy to read about your new relationship! What a nice reprieve!
Wishing you all the best!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Life and relationships of any kind will always have their ups and downs. Parenting probably moreso than others. I loved reading how you handled your sons behaviour and how it turned out. It shows the power of healthy boundaries. Your son respects you for calling him on his sht. Well done.
I always knew you would thrive, but it's great to hear (read) you say it. Now that that weight has been lifted from you, you are shining. Your new man sees that.It is likely that exH will see that sooner or later, if he doesn't already. Whether he does or not it doesn't matter, he lost something special when he left you.
This process could have broken you too. Not many would have managed to stand like you did. Instead you have come out the other side and not only living a good life but thriving. I couldn't wish anything more for you. You deserve it.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
HaWho, pretty rotten of him to engage in that sort of thing, but pretty typical in divorce I think (whether or not in MLC-land). What a blessing that OD is so messed up that he can't pull off that sort of thing.
I do from time to time remind myself that the behaviors I see in the kids are not all OD-related and some are just that trying teenage time. Case in point, my D was being difficult about 8 months ago and got mad at me for a parental decision I made and stopped speaking to me. I DBed her and gave her the time and space to think things through. A few weeks later I got a tearful call from her with an apology for not communicating and we have been closer than ever since.
What a great lesson too for these kids to learn. That we can be angry with someone who sets appropriate boundaries and then come to our own conclusion about how we behaved and make amends. In general everyone needs a swift kick in the butt (metaphorically) every once in a while to straighten them out.
In five more years your S17 will be S22; like my oldest. They do a lot of growing up, it’s something to see.