Boring thread title but I am too tired to be creative! So, quick journal. I have been working like a dog the last week or so, it's been good to have something to focus on and to feel like I'm good at. I certainly don't feel like I'm good at DBing right now.
I took the kids to see H on Sunday, we had lunch and then went to do one of the fun activities that H and I have been doing together the last few months. It was good fun, then the kids wanted to get a particular train home so we had to run off and leave H as he had a bad stomach (he has had a bad stomach a LOT in the last 6 months, but judging by his beer belly he's not malnourished as a result). He looked pretty tired after his work event but he also actually smiled and laughed a bit during our activity, such a rare sight. He got the kids some donuts and asked me to send him a photo of them eating them so I did. I texted him last week saying I have a really busy week this week. He didn't mention meeting up on Sunday or text me so yesterday morning I sent him a text saying 'I assume you don't want to meet this week' and he sent back this weird text saying he can't take my 'vitriol' and that I had said I was busy and I'd run off on Sunday before we could arrange anything (abandonment issues alert!). I rang him to say WTF? and he was really short. Anyway we ended up agreeing to meet on Thursday, he also said that my original text was 'not polite' though he did also apologise for misinterpreting it (I have complicated logistics this week and a lot of work to fit in round it). I ought to know better than to contact him on a Monday morning though, it's crap timing.
I've been thinking hard about how I get my hopes up when H is nice, like the other day when I met him for a drink and validated him about his work stress. My IC pointed out that maybe he's just being nice because I'm meeting his needs, but then he's not meeting my needs. And same with going out with him with the kids. Maybe he's just nice then because he knows I facilitate him seeing the kids rather than because he loves me deep down. So maybe instead of thinking 'hooray he loves me really, he's just confused and we will get back together slowly eventually' I need to think 'well, obviously he's being nice to me if I'm the only person who will listen to him about work and the only person who helps him get on with his kids'. Food for thought. I find it so difficult not to mind read or to get my expectations up, which is ridiculous after so long.
Anyway, this weekend I have a 2 day work thing so I'll be out both days. H is coming home to take ds2 to his activity on Sunday but I won't be there when he is. Next week I have a similarly busy week so I might not arrange to see him at all. Although it does seem like I'm focused on him on here, in fact I have been up to my eyeballs in work which has been engrossing, and I have seen a couple of friends and barely mentioned H to them, which is progress I think. I have some great GAL activities lined up for the rest of this week. And I want to be thinking about how to ask for what I need in IC this week, working on boundaries and being assertive is top of my list. And sleep, I need some sleep before I go loopy.
Ah Dilly, I wondered where you had got to and I was hoping it was lots of interesting work and GAL.
I'm about to get out to work myself (decided to go into the office a bit more now puppy is old enough to be left for longer... I need to talk to adults more!) but I just wanted to say this quick thing.
I think your husband knows what you need and want. I don't think - given I have read all your posts since I first started out here - that you have been unclear in what you want. He knows you accept responsibility for your part in things and want to make some changes in order to repair the marriage. He knows you want to learn how best to support and care for him. He knows you want respect, love, affection, sex, and a more involved partner. He knows you are willing to let that take a lot of time to grow and build. The problem is not with what you need - it is totally reasonable - or that you have not expressed it.
I think the problem is that you are not accepting he can't or doesn't want to give you what you need, and is happy to dole out some pleasantries as long as you're giving him what he needs. I think your text was passive aggressive and if you wanted to see him you could have rung or texted him and asked for that - and I am guessing the passive aggression came from a place of hurt - you wanted him to ask to see you, to make the arrangement, to make some time for you. I think the key to moving forward from that is to accept that he doesn't want those things - he's just willing to dispense them occasionally if it keeps you in line.
I've been hard, I know. I don't mean to be cruel. But you seem dead set on allowing him to treat you this way and focusing on adjusting your own behaviour to get what you want out of him, and I don't think it is ever going to work, and I think while you keep doing it you're going to be stuck.
Yes, I agree with you Alison. It is very hard to accept, sometimes I get there and detach and sometimes I don't. Right now I'm in a clinging phase, it's pathetic really. So things I know: He needs space, and I can give that to him (it will be hard, so hard, but I can be strong enough to do it) I need intimacy, and he can't or won't give that to me, and I can't control that. So I'll step back, I'm sick of being dangled just the right amount. You're right that I'm letting him dangle me. I have to stop allowing myself to be dangled and step away.
It's not pathetic, Dilly. it's really really hard and really painful. It is also very scary.
I knew - always - that if I dropped the rope, that there was no chance that H would come to me. There was never a chance he'd come and show remorse or even curiousity about his own motivations and the parts of our marriage he was responsible for. He just isn't capable of that - it isn't to do with me, he can't do it in any of his relationships and I suspect the type of relationship he prefers is one that's really lonely and unsatisfying for me. I took such a really really long time to accept that, hanging on to the rope because dropping it would never be about giving him a chance to pick it up and come closer, but about closing the door on a huge part of my life's past and hopes for it's future. It's the hardest, hardest most painful thing, and not being able to do it right away, or in the way other people think you should, or on the timeline that they believe it should happen, is in no way pathetic.
But I can say this: it's also very freeing. There's sadness and anger and fear for me - now I think I've just about managed to do it (so far - obviously I could backslide and probably will at some point) but I've given myself such a gift. Flogging a dead horse is tiring and the horse doesn't really care either way - because it can't.
Do you have some good actions lined up next for yourself?
Not really, just lots of work and ferrying the kids around and gardening, I'm a bit too tired with all the work I have to do much GAL right now. A quiet phase is what I need. I am seeing a group of friends tomorrow for a run and lunch, that will be lovely.
I am feeling quite up and down right now. This morning I feel like I'm desperate to have sex, it is probably coming up for a year now and I'm frustrated. I feel like trying to seduce my H this evening when I see him, even though I know full well he will push me away. Why would I want to do that? To test him? To give myself motivation to move away from him and towards someone who can actually give me what I need? Maybe I need to do it anyway, just suggest getting a hotel room for a no-strings fling? I can't stay like this forever, but my H is the only man I've ever had sex with, I can't imagine doing it with anyone else even though it's looking like that will have to be the case if I ever want it again. I cannot for the life of me understand how H is not feeling frustrated too, either he is having sex with someone else or he has somehow switched his libido off or maybe he has drunk so much that the anatomy is no longer functioning properly. It would be nice to know which of those applies, but I guess I don't know and probably won't know.
Anyway, I'd best get back to work, I have IC soon so something to discuss there. I feel frustrated with my IC too, he is just listening and validating and I'm going in circles. I really think I might fire him or tell him he's not challenging me enough. I don't want him to be telling me what to do, that's not how IC works, but some actual concrete suggestions, homework and tools are what I need right now rather than vague suggestions of things to think about (which I don't do because it goes out of my head as soon as I leave). Kind of ironic that he keeps banging on about me not getting my needs met in my M when he's not giving me what I need in IC
Maybe you could ask your counsellor about his approach? He will have reasons for doing things the way he is, and if you understand those reasons, you'll have a better perspective on whether to carry on, or whether to find someone else who suits you better?
I notice you get challenges here - about not seeing your H, stopping the dates, not paying his rent, etc etc - and those aren't things you want or feel able to do. Are they the wrong challenges? Or perhaps there's something about the dynamic of having a change of action suggested to you, and you resisting it, that works for you in some way - and the counsellor is refusing to get into that dance with you?
If your counsellor were to give you homework, what kind would it be? If you know what kind of things you want, can you set it for yourself?
I know what you mean about the sex. But you know, if it was just sex you wanted, you could go and get some with someone else. It's the intimacy, isn't it? Or being wanted? Or that familiarity? I imagine that suggesting a hotel - or even going to bed with him - would not give you what you wanted. He can't even commit to being open and honest with you in conversation, never mind physically.
Actually I came out of IC feeling like it was useful, I didn't even get to discuss the challenging because I feel like he did yesterday. I did cry a lot though, yesterday I just felt very emotional even before I went in. Maybe a combination of hormonal stuff (which has been better lately with a change in medication but maybe not a miracle cure), lack of sleep catching up with me and the reside of work stress after a big deadline.
Things did not improve. I had a pretty terrible evening with H. He was tired and was cold and prickly towards me, and when we discussed summer holidays he said he I should book some hot city break for a week and he would join us for a weekend (no, just no). Then we went to a restaurant we went to a few months ago and then when we got on the train and I realised he was going to get off at the same stop he did that time when I cried then I had a massive flashback and it was horrible. He got off and I pretty much ignored him and then I had a meltdown. I should not have had anything to drink yesterday, it was hot and I was feeling emotional and upset even without alcohol (lesson learned! Usually I'm ok because I drive to the station but didn't last night) Then I cried walking to the station and then on the train and then in the taxi and I sobbed on the phone to H which was stupid and counterproductive. So all in all I feel a bit dehydrated from the tears yesterday! It was pretty awful, I feel embarrassed and annoyed with myself. I did get some hugs from random strangers though, that was nice.
Most of the stuff yesterday was me, it wasn't anything to do with H (though the summer holiday stuff really upset me). I would like to learn from this because I don't want one of those flashback days to happen again, it really caught me off guard. It took me right back to post-BD days and I don't want to go back there again, my life and me are much better and stronger since then. Most of my life is just fine. I will pick myself up and carry on and get some dignity
Hmm, ok, so yesterday was a much better day and I've been thinking about my emotional meltdown and strategies for avoiding any more of these. 1. Don't drink wine when I see H. And drink nothing at all on an empty stomach. I've hardly drunk anything lately and no wine so I've been pretty good at moderating my alcohol intake recently, dumb slip-up 2. Take care of myself when I'm feeling work stress. Meditation/yoga/a short walk/a swim. I need to look after myself better when I know I'm stressed, even if I don't feel like I have time (I exercise but that's not enough clearly) 3. Some early nights, my sleep has been erratic and I can't cope with sleeplessness, the hormones already make that hard enough 4. Eat properly, I keep missing meals because I have so much on. I make healthy choices when I do eat but it's too erratic and again does me no good
Yesterday I had a run and chat and lunch with friends. It was good but I was feeling a bit fragile still. And when they discussed their families I found it really hard. I met ds1 and H at a restaurant briefly to pick up my computer from ds1, H was unfriendly after my previous night's meltdown, even though I had rung him in the morning to apologise (really, it was on me, he wasn't great to me but it was mostly my flashbacks). He wouldn't give me a hug so I hugged ds1 and left.
Then I went to a group which meets to work in a pub. I like this group. I never mention my H and my kids only a bit (they are all childless). I enjoyed this a lot, we got work done and also had some silly chat. I will go to this group more often, it was nice to escape from thoughts of my life. Then I got the train home, feeling very embarrassed about my previous night's blubbing on the train. I bought a couple of new books and started one on the train. I will try reading more, it's relaxing even though I struggle for time.
This weekend I have a weekend in the office working on getting stuff done (it's a group thing). Lots of productivity for me, and hopefully by the end I will be tired but have a big chunk of work done so I can relax more next week as I have lots of GAL stuff and kid stuff to fit in. My life is full but I'm mostly pretty happy with it.
big hugs, Dilly. I'm sorry you had such a rough go. Sometimes I go to places where I have a bad memory and try and create a better memory. For instance, I crashed a couple of weeks ago at an old apartment complex. I was alone and I had a rough day or two, but I worked through some feelings. I was able to look at my past behavior and realize that I have grown and I am not the same person I was back then. I prayed, accepted God's forgiveness for my past sins and then just refused to stay there, emotionally, but first I accepted it and processed it. Previously, I believe I would just stuff it and try to move on.
My point is, now that you are aware of a trigger, you can put yourself in control of it. Could you do some reading on how to deal with triggers? BD is just a huge ball of hurt that we have to unwind, grieve the losses and continue to move forward.
I hope you don't continue to be embarrassed, I know you are a Brit, so that might be impossible. ; ) But you have been - literally - pulled through a ringer and are using this time to grow. Focus on that, not on your emotions. Glad you are mostly happy with everything. I'm hopeful that you will be totally happy as you get better at detachment etc.
You are amazing at GAL! I'm envious!! I'm still working in the yard as my GAL activity! lol
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
