Making the best of the mess.

[97Hope]

I think that's the point of DB, isn't it? The healthier we get, the less appealing they are and they and either grow emotionally, as well, or be left behind. But we come to a place where we know the difference because we have been busy doing to work on ourselves!!

GAL - I'm actually having dinner with the lady from the nail salon tonight!! She's texted how excited she is on having a new friend. (I didn't scare her off!! Hooray!) Visited with my pal yesterday and going to a movie this weekend. Would like to have available friends, but I'll go by myself in the meantime. It didn't bother me a bit and I got all the popcorn to myself, so...

Today I am trying to drag a tree off of my driveway. I had to call a friend to come by and help because I've never dragged a tree with a tractor before (only used it to move hay and some small limbs). I asked him to come and supervise and he's coming later today. I like this guy because he will watch and supervise do I don't hurt myself, but he's not an egomaniac. Those are sometimes rare qualities in men in the ranching community. I'm thankful he's available and willing.

Lots of yard work - not my favorite in this heat, but physical labor will be good for me. We had a major storm sunday night and I think a small tornado passed. Tops of trees down, that sort of thing.

I've also enrolled in a Biblical Counseling certification course!! I took the first series of classes a year ago, and have been struggling with feelings of inadequacy since, but so many people have been coming to me for advice that I feel convicted that this is my next step. I mean really, I've been in counseling so long, I certainly know what doesn't work! My church as a void for women's ministry and I'm being led to serve in that area.

In the evenings I've been watching Harry Potter. H would give me garbage about it in the past and I'm enjoying just doing what suits me in the moment.

I believe you have now reached level 1 in the CAGD, you may now put 1/2 of a line across. At the end of level 4 - we will all have complete red x's across that. ; ) At which time we will eat our own cake and drink our own tea/pints. Maybe even have to get new shirts with 'former CAGD'

Good to hear from you. Excellent on your work of self-awareness!!

[97Hope]

Journaling,

Yesterday was amazing. A big tree was across my driveway and at first I didn't think I could manage it on my own, but I pushed it out of the way. I felt empowered and more confident in my abilities. Sometimes I feel very overwhelmed with this ranch, but H was gone a lot (deployed at one point) and we only have one S17 left at home.

I spent time off and on clearing out limbs from the storm and felt accomplished. Didn't beat myself up over taking breaks when needed. Realized that living with a judgmental prick for so long, I started judging myself with his yardstick. I'm slowly giving myself 'permission' to be me. It's a struggle because I'm nervous depression could come back and i'd be face down in fudge under the bed again. Last bought lasted approx 18 months. In my head I know that I am not where I was, I am much stronger, but there's always that small whisper of fear. So I'm focusing on today.

And today, I got a call from a friend. A mutual friend of ours "X" attempted suicide. I flew to X's house and my friend was right in front of me. X was in bed crying her head off. It looked like she has been in bed a lot. My heart broke for her. I asked her if I could take her kids to lunch and to my house for a bit, then asked her if I could give her a hug (X and I aren't super close like the other friend and I are, so I didn't know if she would be more upset that I got involved). Her sweet face was just --hopeless.Through her tears she nodded.

I grabbed her and told her that I was exactly where she was 3 years ago, she was NOT alone and we loved her so much. In that moment I realized the lie. That anything is hopeless. That we are alone in our struggles, that anything we have done is worse or better than someone else.

Because of my past, I feel uniquely qualified to be a friend to X. I'm hoping that this crisis wakes her up. I'm praying that God gives me the words of His love and hope that only comes from Him.

Had I not been through what I've been through, I wouldn't have even been out of bed myself.

To anyone reading this who is battling depression, Don't give up!! If your therapist isn't helping you get traction, find a new one! Just don't give up.

I did EMDR along with IC with an amazing therapist and I am a completely new person. Rather, I am my old self pre-trauma. It took a very long time and a lot of bad therapists/counselors/psychiatrists different meds, etc but I am so glad I didn't give up. Unfortunately, it took BD for me kick me back into therapy, but I am thankful every day for finding the RIGHT therapist, and doing the work.

I hope this finds you well and full of hope for a bright future.
x

[DejaVu6]

Well done Hope!!! One more step towards detachment. Good for you for having the determination and self awareness to get there! Your friend is lucky indeed to have you. Just curious...probably because I am a therapist (teens mostly) myself...what is it about your current therapist that made her the "right" one for you?

[97Hope]

what is it about your current therapist that made her the "right" one for you?

My current therapist told me straight away that she wasn't going to see me for "months on end until the end of time". Our visits were focused, centered on me and my well-being/growth, and productive. She gave me homework. She was not there to just listen to the issues and validate, we got to work. EMDR was most of it but even before that she had great insight into my struggles, but was able to guide me to figure them out and put a name to them. For instance, the Bible talks about "taking every thought captive and turning it over to the obedience of Christ". - I knew that I needed to do that, but didn't know how.

She led me in a way that helped me identify what I was telling myself (guilt and shame messages) and what to do with them. That was the most important and first step we took together. Unfortunately, I can give you a longer list of what happened with previous therapists:

1. My first therapist was great until he wasn't. I had PTSD and during a session, I was triggered and he said I was being a "pill". (this was something my parents said to me after I was molested and had episodes). He also suggested to my H that I had BPD. A psychiatrist later confirmed that I did not, PTSD and major depression, but def not BPD.

2. Same therapist suggested that my H continuing to work with his former affair partner could be a "growing experience' for our marriage. WHILE I was still doing EMDR with him. ??? Told him that if the AP had dragged me in the street, beat the heck out of me and left me bleeding to death, would he still suggest that H work with them everyday? UGh.

3. Another MC fell asleep during our last session, prior to this he told me my issue was contempt but didn't tell me how to get through it or what to do to help.

4. A psychiatrist dropped me immediately after I told her one of my medications was making me feel suicidal. (I later learned that her son committed suicide and she doesn't treat suicidal clients) even though I tried to explain that I never felt that way until I started taking the meds.

5. A very well-meaning counselor was amazing at listening and validating, but it was a lot of me talking about the issues and never really focused on results. Maybe "talk therapy" if that's a thing. I had been talking about my issues for years, I needed help, so every visit I would leave with an emotional hangover, but nothing new to do or try or work on.

This was over 7 years trying to find help. It's part of the reason it's frustrating that H just got tired of dealing with "my issues". It wasn't like I wasn't trying!!

[97Hope]

Journaling,

X stayed the night with me. She is in so much pain. I remember those dark days. Taking her to an in-patient facility this afternoon.

Her husband doesn't get it. He says she "lays around all day". It's kind of the standard thought process for those living with someone with depression. He's a wonderful man. Kind and caring and a big heart. I suggested reading some articles on living with a spouse with depression. He's trying so hard, but she's in a funk he can't reach her in.

I'm realizing that part of my story is being used to help others and I am thankful today for the people who walked beside me and for this group here who share their triumphs and losses. We can all learn from echother.

H has texted/called etc. If it's not about the boy, I don't answer. MIL texted looking for him. Ignored that one, too. I just can't be bothered by any of that right now. Didn't plan this as a GAL but it is part of my life for today, so I'm focused on being a good friend.

[dillydaf]

Wow, you sure had some crappy ICs!
It must be nice to feel like you're being of service to someone. Maybe your friend's H might be better off reading a novel featuring someone suffering from depression? Fiction can often reach places articles can't.

[97Hope]

lol I sure did have some doozies!! My new therapist (when I told her some of that stuff) just complimented me on my determination to not quit and asked what I wanted to use that determination for and my first thing was my thought life. Turns out I was sending myself a lot of bad messages.

Someone on here said that they don't know how to work on their thoughts.

This is what works for me:

1. Action
2. Thought
3. Feeling
4. Response
5. Consequence

So how this works is that after an action (let's say Dilly called me a houseplant killer - the very next thing that happens is that I have a thought about it. - my thought about it determines my feeling - either I:
a. laugh my head off because I KNOW she cares about me and she's tapping into our (CAGD Club) humor, or
b. she is judging me and thinks the worst of me.

So this thought has produced a feeling (a. happy, b. sad) my response (my choice!) is either a. laugh with her and come back with asking about her ivy b. pout and never speak to her again or c. address the issue and ask for clarification - from this point depending on how I respond, my consequences are a. friend who shares laughs, b. isolation because I believe I stink c. etc. etc. endless depending on one thought around an action.

I'm NOT a therapist, but this works for me and I have to go back to it when I get sideways, but it has been amazing for me. It's also helped me feel more confident each time I pause and remind myself that my thought-life determines my feelings.

This has also lead to good and bad conversations with others (i.e. when I've asked for clarification, sometimes someone was judging me) but at least I knew, and those bad convos were helpful, too.

And finally, when H does a less than desirable action, my thoughts aren't always all about me now!! If it's his issue, I am better at leaving it with him. If it's my behavior, I can adjust accordingly.

My first week of homework with IC was just to 'notice' my thoughts after an action. I had some major janky thoughts about myself! Didn't realize it until I started thinking about my thoughts.

[97Hope]

Journaling,

Didn't do a dang thing today. Guess that was my GAL activity. Zero activity. Feeling emotionally drained after the last couple of days with friend. they called today and I didn't answer. I just can't be involved in that right now.

Her H called a couple of times. I told him that I cannot counsel him or help him. He wants advice. I advised him to call a man that he trusts AND get an IC. It's over my head for one, and I don't counsel men that aren't related to me. After what H and I saw at a marriage retreat (lot's of people who began counseling ppl of the opposite sex ended up in affairs), I don't go there. Also he stares at my chest when he talks to me and I started worrying about dealing with men as a single woman.

I like the security of marriage. If a man took it too far flirting or hitting on me, I always had a safety net in H. Knowing that I can deal with it on my own is just a little different than having a guy around to protect me.

Feeling a little moody. Looking forward to a big clean out tomorrow. Cleaning makes me feel good, just wanted to rest today.

I hope this finds everyone at peace in their sitchs and that your remember that you aren't who you once were and you always have a choice of who you can be today.

[AlisonUK]

Hi 97Hope. He looks at your chest while he talks to you? *shudders* I applaud your self respect and boundaries there.

I have male friends, but there are certain topics and situations I won't get into with them. I won't talk about their marriages in any depth, and while we might go to coffee shops or lunches out - especially if they are professional friends - I don't go to bars etc. I also don't confide in men about my marriage. These are boundaries that suit me as a married woman (and I think I plan to act married in terms of fidelity until I am not married...) so I totally get your boundary around certain types of interactions with men.

I hope your clear out gives you some peace. And that your friend is recovering. It's really important to take time for yourself in situations like this. You can't pour from an empty cup.

You sound like you're in a really good place! When is your H due back?

[97Hope]

Hi Alison!!

I like your marriage boundaries. Mine are the same. Also the same is that I will continue to live as a married woman until I'm no longer married.

My clear out was incredible!! Just what I needed. I finished the house and then did a lot of ranch work which was really good for me. The weather was surprisingly cool. I spent a little time in the pasture watching the cows and just enjoying the moment. Went to a friends house for a little chat and came home and fell into bed.

H is supposed to return Thursday (he 'shares' his calendar with me), but last night around midnight he texted to say that he was waiting for a flight and they said they didn't have any for 2 days. So short answer - don't know.

My S17 is also returning tonight!!! I'm so excited I could burst.

Both older sons 22 & 27 are moving here this summer as well. It will be good for me to be around people who love me and who I can shower with all this love.

How are you? How's GD going? Do you notice that they text/call more when you stop? That's been my experience.