Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels

[Gerda]

Gordie and DnJ, how blessed I am to have you as my friends, stopping in to check on me and give me a little lift.

Gordie, it's funny that you bring up this victim issue; I didn't see before that you had written on my thread and just yesterday I wrote on yours asking about that very thing.

I don't know why my brain can't see what you are seeing here about that victim idea.

Christ didn't see himself as a victim, that is certainly the truest of the true. But He only makes sense as Christ if he was the sacrificial victim, the lamb. Do you mean that he "went willingly" to his passion? And that it's about going willingly into this divorce?

I did realize one thing this past week while I was in my favorite beach place with my kids. I was trying to figure out what I am so afraid of and why I am so terrified of any encounter with H, of the court, of everyone screaming lies, etc. I realized that on some level I think I deserve everything, that I did something bad and that this was the outcome. I realized that all these years I have been trying to be so good and to some degree to show God how good I am so He will fix this. And that I lived the same way as a child, but without really any belief in God, just trying to be good so that everyone at home would think I was the good one or stop fighting or not go crazy (my MLC mom).

So maybe that is what you mean, that that is victimhood? That, I can see now. But I imagine it will take a long time to heal from that.

Yesterday my H tried to use the car, called/texted very last minute that he was in my neighborhood and needed it. I am usually silent but this time I wrote him a detailed list of the money he owed me for impounds (two this year) and more tickets, how he always leaves it with the "empty" light on and then I have to get gas even to park it (in my city this is a big pain), how his many issues with his license (incl that it's suspended right now) caused my rate to skyrocket. I offered to credit him his half based on his own appraisal of the car last month ($500) less the impound/tickets or that he could pay all those things and my half and take the car. In other words, just a practical list. I wanted it all very clearly in writing in case it comes up in court. Because of the above realization, I am taking several steps to start fighting for myself and my kids on a practical level. That was one step. And this is what my H replied --

Please get help. God, if you knew him, is all who works. Look into him. You are not going deep enough. - H

I also wrote a letter to the wife of my kids' godfather, asking her family to stop paying for my H's divorce. His L's antics have gotten so out of hand and are costing me so much money, I decided it was time to fight for myself there too. Example -- My H insisted on using a court-appointed appraiser that cost $1200 instead of many other names we had that cost half that, and I finally had to agree, which was bad enough. But then his L told that appraiser she had to assess "my" rental business so she changed the quote to $4500! I asked my H twice to reconsider, offered him many names he could pick from, told him I wouldn't be able to pay him his monthly pmt on Aug 1 (meaning he won't be able to pay his rent) if I had to pay that and he wouldn't even answer. So I decided that it was time to be bold and finally send that letter. I am sure that this wife doesn't know that her H is paying all my H's bills. So my letter was very short and direct, asking her family to stop funding another man's divorce and explaining that my H's lawyer is costing all of us way more than is necessary. I do not think I could stop her if she already knows about it, but I am 99% sure that her H is doing it without her knowledge because he is so attached to my H (to a strange degree, honestly).

I agonized over this for so long, and finally this past week I realized that I was only agonizing because I think I am bad and am trying to be perfect in God's eyes. But that I had every right to try to make a more fair playing field in order to save my home and my kid's future college fund from the grasping claws of a money-desperate MLCer. And that it was certainly objectively wrong for that family to pay for another man's divorce, esp when it is my kids' godparents paying and they are devout Catholics. So that even if I was wrong to write it, it would not make me "bad" in God's eyes. I did spend a whole week editing the letter to remove anything emotional from it. But I sent it.

So that is the news from this front. Still spending every night talking with my son about his desire to do drugs, cut himself, suicide, etc., because of the pain. Last night I was even given the treat of his asking me about porn addiction. I almost fell over. Seeing some shifts in him after I got a contractor friend at the beach to give him a job for one afternoon -- and he will work for him again in August, so he will be doing something and will be around a bunch of really solid men.

XO to you all and thanks again to DnJ and Gordie for your very kind and helpful last posts.

[Gerda]

Grace, thank you so much, read your last post many times over and feel so lucky that you are my friend around these parts. Some day you have to come to the table for the pot of tea! I love how clear-headed you are when you comment on my sitch, whether you are feeling strong and clear or like you are stumbling in your own sitch. That's a grace from Grace!

[job]

Gerda,

The note laying out all of the expenses that your h has incurred while driving the car will most likely fall on deaf ears. However, I do understand why you put everything in writing. However, the only thing you needed to stand firm on was him not driving it because he has a suspended license. You do not want him out there driving around and possibly having an accident w/his license issue and, of course, your insurance company may look at what he did and question whether you knew he was driving on not. Plain and simple, "h, no you cannot drive the car until your license has been reinstated". That is what you say next time. The court and his over bearing lawyer should agree w/that statement.

I may be wrong, but the wife of your kids' godfather isn't going to be too happy that you are contacting her. Whatever it is her husband is doing is between him and your h. She may not want to be involved or get involved in the situation. I know you felt that this was something you needed to do, but it may back fire on you and make things a tad more difficult when dealing w/your h. I know, how can it be any worse...but your h has a way of twisting things and making you look a it batty to others. Bottom line, people to do not want get involved in such messy situations and she may very well either ignore your letter or post to you to not contact her again. Either way, your h will take that missive to his lawyer and he'll be growling again about your behavior. So, be prepared for that.

I think it is a wonderful idea for your son to work a little bit. It will give him something else to think about and help his self esteem greatly.

Let me just say this, Gerda, you are not a bad person.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

H’s suspended license jumped off the page at me. I understand why you told him all the rest, it probably felt good to get it off your chest. However, he is in crisis, and won’t listen. job’s short and to the point message regarding not using the car is a good suggestion.

It is wonderful that S14 has got a bit of work and something constructive to do. We men like to build things, almost as much as demolishing things. We are just big kids sometimes, ok maybe a bit more than sometimes. This job sounds like it will feed right in to him.

I will reiterate, it is great that S14 is talking to you. Even about topics that almost knock you over. This is good stuff. Imagine if he wasn’t talking. Porn addiction, drugs, sex, alcohol, and so on - yep difficult conversations. You can gently steer him a bit, guide him, and most important just be there and listen.

It is ok to not know the answer. You can, and should, tell him that. “Hmmm, S14, I’m not sure. Let me think about that and we can talk about it more tomorrow night.” That works pretty well. Kids feel heard, and acknowledged; and you get time to gather your thoughts, calm yourself, look up resources, and figure out what you actually want to say.

- - - -

I am hesitant about the following thoughts concerning victimhood, I wish to share. It’s the timing. I was reading and catching up, and I see you have taken a good size step forward. My thoughts and suggestions formed not knowing of your progress. I’m not wanting to jump all over you, or your situation.

After some deliberation I decided to post.

Yesterday, in the blazing heat, I was riding around mowing my grass. Hours of peaceful solitude, a constructive job, and a calm mind. The tall trees, which have stood far longer than I have been around, cast shadows of relief from the heat. A beautiful connection to nature, a connection to something, happens under these giants.

You and your situation was on my mind. As well as others here and in real life. When I write, I see myself speaking with just you, and only you; or whomever’s thread I am on. I do know that many people read along, however for the most part it is just you and me, two cups of coffee, sugar and heavy cream.

Gerda, I’ve been trying (not doing, so yes predisposed myself to failure) to figure out what I am attempting to get across. What got me from where you are now, to where I am now - in regard to victim mentality. And like has happen so many times, not looking provided the insight I was seeking. The trees, and their shadows provided relief and not just from the heat. I actually stopped the mower, when blanketed by the biggest tree, and listened as thoughts and feelings flooded in.

Your victimhood. There is some, no doubt; and you are pushing it back. The recent standing up to H about the car is an example. You have stood up to him times before regarding the car as well. And many other things too.

It is not victim mentality that has you stuck, it is martyr. They are closely tied. I believe that one progresses from victim, to martyr, to free.

I’ve suffered in both - victimhood and martyrdom. I found victimhood is darker, more painful, and I was less in control. Martyrdom had similar victim traits, it was just based more on self punishment or penance; I kept myself tied to it, and it was a lot harder to let go of.

You spoke of doing things to show how good a person you are. To show H, your kids, the courts - to show God. To suffer enough to become healed and good.

Gerda, listen very carefully. You are a good person. You are walking in the light. God knows you are good.

So, what did I learn under the long graceful arms of those trees?

When I was exhibiting martyr thinking, I would’ve died for what I believe in. I would accept punishment for my faith, my beliefs. I felt that it was somehow required. Everyday, I died a little more. Punished a little more.

It’s easy to die for what you believe in. The big step - Living for what you believe in.

Living is so much better!

Gerda, you already walk in the light. Now, live in the light. Live your life. Let go of the idea of needing to show how good you are. You are good - just live it.

Almost nothing changes and everything changes when you let go. You live the faith, a good life, without the penance or punishment. It is sincere, authentic, gentle, and peaceful.

Your struggles with the “impossible” choices. Your faith and moulding it to your situation. Things you would die for. Living for them doesn’t change them or lose them. It strengthens the very things you are holding so tightly.

You know the light. Let go and live it.

DnJ

[Westo]

Wonderful words, as always, from you DnJ.

I’m sure they will bring enormous strength to Gerda.

[Gerda]

Hi, Job -- Thank you for the kind words and insight. About writing to the wife -- my H would have to make a deal with me if he did not have a very rich man paying for a very nasty lawyer. I need to stop that flow of money in order to save myself and my kids. Letting his wife know it is happening is the surest way to do that. I know this because he loaned us money once for our biz, and I sent him repayment checks every month. It was only for a few thousand dollars, but once his wife opened the mail addressed to him and was furious beyond belief that he had loaned us money. So I am almost certain that she will be furious about this, which is way more money for a way more terrible cause. I am not trying to convince her of anything. It is purely my last ditch effort to force my H to settle with me and stop battling every penny so viciously simple because he has limitless legal fees. I know it might backfire. She either knows about it and thinks something horrible and untrue about me so my letter will do nothing or she doesn't know about it and will not want her husband spending their money in that way and my letter will stop the flow. So I have nothing to lose. They already think I am crazy and hiding money and all sorts of other things that are not true. It can't get worse. I was very careful not to say anything about my H's treatment of me and the kids, just spoke about the money being spent.

[Gerda]

DnJ, thank you for all the time you spent and especially for being so careful to let me know that we were sitting at the table together with our favorite heavy cream, even if we were being filmed by the DB community for future DB lessons. : ) So I made strawberry biscuit-shortcake with whipped cream to have with our tea/coffee and conversation.

I will need to read this a few times. Usually when you give me one of your DnJ outreaches, there is a practical side that is eluding me -- I don't know how to DO what you are saying. I need to read it over to see if that is what is blocking me right now or if it is something else. There is for me a very real IRL thing at present which I have alluded to but not explained. You have always been good at reading between the lines, so you may understand that I have been allowing an erosion of certain values in action though my values in principle have not changed at all. Distractions, not real futures. A serious erosion either way.

More in a few days after I chew on your words. Gerda as Cow.

[Gerda]

Have had a wild round of e-mails with H when I said he could have the car if he paid me what he owes me for tickets and my half of it. I stuck to facts and numbers; he of course did not. The culmination was this one. What I find also very MLC about this is that for our entire marriage, we had issues with intimacy. He was for the most part not able to be intimate with me that often, though we were very physically affectionate and almost never apart. I am not saying I was perfect, I made many mistakes of course. But I wanted so much to be romantic with him, wrote him love poems for every birthday and anniversary, tried to have date nights, tried to be intimate and was always sad about that part of our life. But even in knowing that, I read what he wrote and feel a pang of confusion.

And if you wanted to be fundamentally in the identity of "mother" and to in that fundamental identity, as you say, "take care of the kids," then I'd recommend taking them out of the experience of poverty which mysteriously you gratuitously (unnecessarily) handcuff them to.

And alternatively had you ever wanted to be fundamentally in the identity of "wife" then I'd have (if I were you) drastically rethunk and reconfigured what it might mean to be "wife" -- for what I mean is that your email pressuposes that you (as a Catholic wife?!) have no fundamental priorities to an identity called "husband," and that the whole of reality consists of taking care of the kids.

It was your choice to be "mother" -- and now own it, but do not presume to believe that I abandoned the kids, bit rather own up and man up to the truth that you abandon your husband by giving zero priority to his basic needs as a man and husband.

And how in good conscience you can pretend to assist with Cana classes I have no idea. I only know that you and the Church which enlists you for that task are together the blind leading the blind. If my kids were to learn from you what fidelity between a husband and wife should be they would be marital cripples. In seeking the dissolution of my marriage I am hoping to teach what marriage should never be.

- H

[Grace21]

Gerda,

I find it very difficult to follow your H's e-mail. He sure has a way with words! It makes me wonder if he spoke like that, too.

Anyway....His "observations" about you not fulfilling your "wifely duties" is typical MLC'r rewriting of history. My H did the same. I'm trying to talk to him about one thing, and he will suddenly say "you never showed desire, never made me feel like a man". The fact is, any time I would compliment him, tell him he was handsome, sexy, or whatever, I got "you're just saying that because you are my wife". Fact is, he just could never receive what I had to offer. I don't think he believed he was worthy. Still don't. I also pointed out to H the last time I saw him that he gave me nothing to feed that desire (I didn't add he was giving it all elsewhere). He agreed.

So, your H will rewrite history, and believe what he believes.

I would suggest leaving it alone. No response is necessary. Do not get into a position where you feel like you have to defend yourself.

Limit contact. Stay the course. Tighten your Armour of God.

Grace

[kml]

Gerda - how can you not see what a gigantic A$$ your H is? I mean seriously, every time I read one of his passive aggressive self-important weirdo letters I want to vomit.

And he was never very sexual with you? I have to ask, do you think he might be gay? Or just asexual?

As for the poverty issue - why isn't he busy earning a living to support his family?

Honestly, there is something VERY WRONG with this man. I'm not sure exactly what it is but he's NOT RIGHT IN THE HEAD. Stop letting him gaslight you.