Thank you Steve. I literately spent 12 +hours reading through your threads and it gives me hope. I agree with you and I realize I let a lot of time slip by without DB and it seems sometimes it’s too late. H has a lot he needs to deal with and I will lovingly let him from a distance.
What are some ideas for GAL when you have 2 kids. I don’t have family close. I did start ruing this week but I don’t think that’s enough.
This is a post 25 made about her GAL while she was living in Alaska during the winter and taking care of kids (if she can GAL in those conditions there's no excuse for anyone not to GAL!):
For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter. And I had 3 kids including a baby.
Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. And imo, we cannot detach without GAL.
I believe the more you overcome inertia, and feel detachment, an ironic by product will be better R's with all people, including your w.
All of these upped my self esteem.
Okay so I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.
I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it). I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).
*I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too.
*Rehearsing one night, I realized it had been hours without me thinking about H or our m, or doing any obsessing, & that was huge. Even more importantly, I learned to be IN the moment. When you do live theater, You cannot waste time regretting a missed cue earlier, and you have to think on your feet and ad lib and not think about the next act or anticipate things. There is only "now" and you make the best of that moment.
It's a wonderful important experience, and lesson for life I think.
*I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went very well and again, you are in the moment and reacting to the audience, so you perform and listen. And the more you learn to laugh at things that would otherwise make you uncomfortable, the smoother a lot of life becomes.
You have probably heard that the line between tragedy and comedy is a fine one, and it's true.
I learned to cross country ski, became a better downhill skier.
I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at shooting. Learned some patience too, and respect nature more.
I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans) I loved riding it. Jetskiing is great if you are near water in a warm place.
Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license. Ground school for flying challenged a different part of my brain, as did learning to fly. Jim - I know you have the height issue/fear, but thing is, flying a plane isn't like peering over the edge of a bridge. Know what I mean?
And I edited a hunting book for a hunting guide/friend up there. The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?
I worked out 3-4 times a week, and got in excellent shape. As you know, Looking good makes a world of difference to us. Found a (female) work out partner and began socializing after the work outs. As you mention, the endorphin affect matters.
I was trying to lose the baby weight and It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark cold Long winters. Totally worth the efforts. In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me feel more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps me feel better.
I saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.
Took a pottery class (very different and unlike me to do, but my friend needed a pottery partner and I'm glad I went. I liked it a lot & took another class last winter.
Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of active duty. I Wish I had joined sooner. I met two women who got me thru a dark time and are life long friends to this day.
Joined a writer's group Took a class in Conversational French Took a class in Italian cooking
There is more, but these are all things you can do that do not cost a lot. Other than pilot training/skydiving, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.
I am sorry you are here. This is a great place for support and advice because everyone here is essentially going through, or already did, a similar sitch. It takes a very long time, but it will get better, whether you save the M or not.
I wanted to backtrack a moment. And I am sorry to be blunt. What is it you would like to save? Can you tell us more about the type of partner you are looking for in him? Is he worth the effort is what I am getting at?
You are describing a man that has been dishonest, had multiple As and is coming/going as he pleases. You said you want to make sure you are doing this (DBing and saving the M) right, however my first thought is -- why do you want to save the M? He even told you he filed for D and then he still comes/goes as he wants? Ouch. :-(
I tend to take a little bit of a different approach here. I read posts by women that describe how poorly their H is treating them and in the same breath they want to know how they can win this guy back. I have literally cringed reading these things. My thoughts are -- don't you want a man that treats you and your kids right? Don't you deserve this? Why are you trying to save this?
Yes, this is a M saving site. Mostly, what we learn here as we do the readings and attempt to start the hard work (GAL, 180s and detachment) is that we cannot make another person change. We cannot make them come back to us, we cannot make them be a good partner and we cannot save THEM at all! We cannot control other people. Ever. People sometimes get frustrated and leave when we tell them that, but really think about it -- how can you save a M by forcing someone to do something they don't want to do?
What we absolutely can do is save ourselves after being wounded by another! We can treat ourselves the way we deserve to be treated, we can value ourselves more than to cling on to a toxic person, and we can find our strong/beautiful/worthy self. This serves two purposes: we learn to be a happier, healthier and confident person again (because let's face it, we lose that in this mess) and 2, it increases the chance they even want to come back at all. So yes, letting them go and focusing on us, is ultimately also what may attract them back to us.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
To offer some more information. I do believe that he PA was a 1 time thing but I can't say that he has not been involved with anyone since he left almost 2 years ago. As far as the EA, it is through private messages via social media and every time, alcohol has been a factor.
I know that H seems like the hot mess that he is, but I really cherish our relationship, especially when it was healthy, he wasn't drinking as much and we would spend time together. I don't want anyone to think that alcohol is an excuse to go out and send many women flirtatious messages in the same night, but for me it was always the constant. When he wasn't drinking that didn't happen.
Since he's been away I have noticed that his drinking has picked up a lot and the only thing he's really 180'd on is his physical appearance, like working out and baking the heck out of his skin in a tanning bed.
I do believe that he is going through a MLC and due to this childhood issues I really feel for him and I know that I will always be there for him, but I know he needs to go though this solo. He grew up without a g
The partner that I am looking for is sober and drinks responsibly. He also would have to be careful about the "friends" he has. When we have solid friends that have the same values as us he seems to be grounded and more of a man if that makes sense. When he gets around other friends that are single, he gets a FOMO mentality...
It could be a lost cause, but I know I need to do everything I can to try to turn this around for peace and closure on my end. I did not DB when he left. I broke pretty much all of Sandi's guidelines and pushed him away.
At least I will become the person any fool would leave.
I see what you mean. Sadly, alcohol seems to be a factor in a lot of our sitches here. I agree, its never an excuse, but it really is a contributing factor. .... I think it helps for you to spell out what you want and what your goals are for your M. As you begin to talk about it and describe it, it keeps your eye on what you want and what you are aiming for. You know the type of H and partner you want. You can describe it clearly and recall how he used to be. It can also be a sad reminder that he is not that person right now. It's terribly sad, but a truth, and a truh you unfortunately cannot overlook. ... 2 years is a long time. I am really sorry you have been dealing with this for so long!
I completely agree with the GAL advice. I tend to think the best advice here is 1. reading and following Sandi's rules every day, and 2. GAL -- and trying new things, meeting new people, and simply stepping out of your comfort zone daily, even in small ways. It feels good to know we can do new things and even surprise ourselves. It builds confidence and character. It also takes our minds off of them and their drama. That doesnt help us move forward.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I definitely do need to define what my goals are and what I want for the M. I know I do want some of the old things that we had but I definitely had bigger dreams for us as a couple.
I also need to buy DR, because I have it checked out from the library, but I think I need to keep re-reading it.
This platform is great. I appreciate all of the feedback and I feel less alone.
RE: GAL, when I was freshly divorced 8yrs ago--time flies!--I joined "Meetup" groups aimed at single parents and took my kids with me on hikes, sometimes carrying one on my shoulders. A 10-year-old is often old enough to be left independently for short periods of time, e.g. 30-60 minutes while you walk or jog.
