What you said Dawn. I was trying to convey that I lived “love is a choice” and I was wrong. At least with ex bf. With ex husband, I think I loved in the beginning and then settled and accepted things I didn’t like. I was super young and inexperienced.
With new guy, I am feeling super excited. We both came from relationships where we were the pursuers or nurturers. (I loved what KML wrote on Andrews thread) and it just feels so incredible to like someone that likes me back and that is equally or more excited. He has really good communication and relationship skills too based on his career and that makes me feel very safe too.
Time is going to be hard. We are on opposite schedules with kids. Time is really important to him. My ex keeps trying to get out of the time he’s supposed to have son too. He makes up excuses like his mom won’t be around and he has to work late on a Friday (bs). We never put in the decree that when that happens, he needs to pay for baby sitting and I have no choice. And it’s ok. I love my son and I know it can be worse. But ex husband is a really bad human being.
Ex sent me a pic to show son of his desk at work and it’s covered with pictures of my sons work that says “great dad” all over it. (Along with a mirror and a picture of his old bmw) It’s such bullshit. It’s just image control and he does the bare minimum so that he doesn’t look like a dead beat.
With new guy, I am feeling super excited. We both came from relationships where we were the pursuers or nurturers. (I loved what KML wrote on Andrews thread) and it just feels so incredible to like someone that likes me back and that is equally or more excited. He has really good communication and relationship skills too based on his career and that makes me feel very safe too.
Just be careful JujuB - intensity and passion can also disguise love-bombing. Something I still have some worries about although I've seen no signs of the related mirroring or much in the way of controlling behaviour.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Don... Anyone who has any familiarity with me and my sitch knows that when I say don’t worry about it, do what makes you happy, that I am talking about OLD and not saying we should do whatever we want at others’ expense or ignoring any huge red flags. That’s not what I said or what I meant.
RE: Love being a choice or not. I think in long term relationships, in order to stay “in love”, one does have to make choices... to do things that support and promote the feeling of love. At the start of relationships, when hormones and brain chemicals are at their peak, it takes little effort. As time goes on and you get accustomed to the person, you need to make choices that promote and sustain that feeling... i.e. taking the time to date your partner, show an interest in them, make an effort to make them feel special, etc... That is what I think of when I think about love being a choice. My STBXH’s choices guaranteed the destruction of our relationship. He chose to distance himself and to focus on negatives and feed his resentments. He could have dealt with his feelings so much differently but he didn’t. Our relationship was always going to end in divorce. He made sure of it.
Anyway...I wish you the best Juju. I hope this guy turns out to be everything you hope he is. Just be a bit cautious and don’t ignore any red flags if you start to see some. (((HUGS)))
Agreed Dejavu and yes Andrew I have thought about that too. I don’t get the love bombing player type from him. He recognized that he can be coming across like that too. Maybe more of a guy that’s really excited and not filtering his excitement. But there are things I can see we are on the same wave length as. And I just like his overall demeanor. Like, I just know we will be compatible long term. Coordinating time to meet each other’s needs is going to be a challenge though and it’s not because I don’t want to but because it’s physically not there.
Enjoy but just remember - this early time is the time to watch for who he really is. Don't ignore red flags. Do your "detective" work. Don't move too fast.
Hopefully he's just a great match but try to get input from friends and family who may see him in a clearer light.
I agree with what everyone has said. Intense connection and chemistry is great but that doesn't mean it will translate into long term success. Many things have to align for that to happen.
I read something in book once that essentially said that it is better if you don't have that intense connection immediately because if you do it can cloud your judgement which could cause you to make poor decisions (ignore red flags). That intense feeling is only one small facet of a R and once that ends there has to be something there to sustain you to the next level.
The flip side is that you do experience that feeling and it translates into a beautiful, fulfilling, life long relationship.
I guess in either scenario you just have to stay true to yourself, your beliefs, your values, and as everyone has said watch out for the red flags no matter what you are emotionally experiencing.
I have never ever experienced that intense connection. It’s always been something that was based on judgement. This is a first for me. . Same for new guy. It could be that I am getting excited by his intensity for me. He has told me he’s head over heels. I know a part of that is gonna be because of physical looks which is superficial. . But the more things he says and talks about the more I can just totally relate to. Like we are completely on the same wave length - we both are active, eat healthy, like to talk and communicate, our love languages match, low key and peaceful and collaborative personalities. Analytical.
Of course there are gonna be unforeseen issues. Probably finding time. Kids. Etc. but I’m just gonna focus on enjoying it for the time being and going in optimistically
Oh god! Good point! When’s ok to even ask questions like that? Imagine investing and then finding that out way down the road. How did Dr. bring up testing to you? How did you feel about that?
Girl, slow down and take a breath! What’s the rush? You have already talked about your love languages? And now you’re thinking about when it’s appropriate to think about STD testing? Am I missing something? Didn’t you just meet this guy like a week or so ago? I’m all for you finding a great guy because you seem like an awesome woman, but you seem to be moving pretty fast. Please slow down, savor the experience, enjoy yourself, but keep your guard up and your eyes open.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
