OM Backed Out

[DnJ]

Good Morning Tad

I understand you are busy; nice to know you aren’t ignoring me. I really didn’t think you were, by the way.

Sorry about yesterday; her and OM’s anniversary. You sound like a genuine and sincere guy, I would have been surprised if you did know the date. This stuff isn’t just forgotten. Sure, some push it down and ignore it, that just leads to dealing with things later. I think the healthy way is to realize and accept; it is ok to know.

Hoping you have a Happy Father’s Day.

DnJ

[tadpole1025]

Thank DnJ and everyone else.

Just stopping by to get this all out.

It has been a very interesting 24 hours.

First, I had a grandson born earlier today. This is my second one, but I have never even met the first one. So, this is pretty much my first.

I've never truly cried happy tears. EVER....not even when my own kids were born. Today though, I became a blubbering idiot. And, I'm angry at myself for it. I'm sure XW really thinks I've turned into a sap. I've changed in my old (51) age. I'm so emotional over everything these days. At one point, I even asked XW why I was crying. She said, "You're happy." She seemed to understand, but really wish she wouldn't have seen that.

Anyway, my future DIL was in labor for nearly 19 hours with the new kiddo. I spent most of those 19 hours with the XW.

It's also been a trying and confusing 24 hours.

XW was weird this time. Looking for insight from the vets. Actually, weird is not the right word at all...she was normal. Yeah, NORMAL. It was like the old XW had returned....the girl I originally fell in love with.

Taking today's events, the "moment" we had at the baby shower and the last few times I've seen her at my son's concerts into consideration, I'm starting to believe that her crisis may be over or is winding down. Hoping to get thoughts. Although, if it is over or winding down, it makes me a little sad because as I said, the old XW, the one I was absolutely crazy about, seems to be returning.

I'll just highlight some of the things I noticed.

* Her appearance. When her crisis started, she went heavy on the hair styles, makeup, earrings, jewelry. The last two times I have seen her, nothing fancy about the hair, no jewelry at all except her wedding ring and not even any makeup. But, still beautiful. I say this because XW used to have just the most amazing eyes. There's an old Bob Seger song called "Night Moves" that used to describe her perfectly. It went: "She was a black haired beauty with big dark eyes...." Those eyes were replaced with cold, dark, shark eyes when she was in crisis. The shark eyes seem to be going away and I'm starting to see her eyes again. I 'm sure that this all probably sounds weird to some and I'm sorry.

* Anger. When she went into full-blown crisis, she virtually turned into a raging Pit Bull overnight. It was drastic and boy was she mean. I mean really, really mean. The anger seems to be gone now or at least decreasing.

* Eye contact. It's now back. For a very long time, while she was in crisis mode and hated me more than anything, she wouldn't make eye contact with me at all. Now she does, Matter of fact, in the waiting room at the hospital, I caught her several times looking right at me. Not directly, but she was sneaking peeks by looking at me in the reflection on the vending machine. I couldn't figure why she kept looking at the machine until I caught her and realized what she was doing. Keep in mind, there were others in the room and even two of our sons she could have been talking to. Instead, she kept staring at the reflection of me in the snack machine.

* Smiles and laughter. It's back. I've always been pretty quick-witted and quick with one liners or coming up with a punch line. I've never had a problem making her or anyone laugh. When she was in crisis, especially in the beginning, if I said anything that could have been funny, she would roll her eyes and just get more p!ssed off. There were many times at the hospital, that I had her laughing...not giggling, really laughing.

* Interest in me. Seems to be returning. After she had made it known that she wanted out of the marriage, she didn't ask anything about me and wanted to know nothing about me. Yesterday, she asked about my health. She asked about the homeless kitty cat that I feed. She even asked how my dad was doing. (He's had health issues for years.) For the first time since 2010, she asked how someone in my family was doing.

A few other events:

She seems to know what part of town I live in even though I've never told her. I'm sure she's heard it from one of our sons, but why? Why were they even talking about me at some point to her? I've always been terrible with directions and she knows this. Last night, when talking about driving home, she offered to help me with directions. "Well, you live in Scottsdale right? Well all you have to do is take "101" freeway over to the "17" and....." I jokingly said that "getting home is not the problem....the problem is finding my way out of the maternity ward." She laughed and said "well I guess I can help you with that too."

I was in the waiting room while baby was being born. She was actually in delivery. She sent me texts, videos or pictures every 30 minutes or so to keep me updated. I thought this was very nice of her and I thanked her every time.

I'm considering sending her a text tomorrow thanking her for all of the updates, but haven't quite decided if I should or not.

The really funny thing was after the baby was born. Things had settled down and I made my way back to the waiting room to give the new parents some privacy. XW came walking in a few minutes later, made some brief small talk and then told me that she was tired and going home to get some sleep. I really do believe she forgot about the situation and was about to give me a hug. I could be wrong, but that is sure what it seemed like. Once she realized what she was about to do, she stepped back real quickly, told me goodbye, turned around, and quickly left. Old habit? Maybe, but she hasn't hugged me in nearly 9 years.

That's all I can remember at the moment. I'll come back and add if I remember something else. Anyways, I was hoping to get some thoughts. I may be wrong, but I've thought for a little while now that maybe things could be winding down for her.

Not really sure how I feel about that.

Like I said, if things are winding down and she no longer hates me and is turning back into the old XW, am I supposed to be happy? Because I really can't say that I am.

THAT's the person I was married to.

Confused as ever.

Tad

[bttrfly]

holy crap Tad I dunno - seems like you might be right, but I defer to the old timers ... I will say that the birth of a child brings up lots of emotions and with grandkids I assume memories of happier times. kind of like the birthdays/holidays peeking out except maybe this is on steroids???

I guess I would say this: let's say it's winding down and she's coming out of the tunnel. in real terms how does that change your daily life? because in the end, this is really about you now, right?

congrats on the new baby xoxoxo enjoy every second.

[AndrewP]

Tad. I tend to agree with bttrfly on this. Does it actually change much day to day? She's married to OM and has been for some time. I would assume that you have no interest in being an OM in that relationship and certainly a moment of friendliness doesn't change how she feels about you.

I like to imagine that our former partners do have residual fondness for us. But they've moved on on their own paths. As have we.

[job]

I agree w/bttrfly and Andrew. She may be finally winding down on her crisis, but will that change anything between the two of you? She is married to the OM and you are still hurting from all of the damage that she left behind.

Bottom line, keep the focus on you and your family, especially the new grand child. BTW, he's adorable.

[tadpole1025]

You are all right.

It doesn't matter and does not change a thing.

I've also decided not to text and thank her for all of the updates yesterday. I already thanked her. That was enough.

It's just really tough seeing and interacting with normal XW. Heartbreaking really.

Something I have to deal with I guess.

Job, glad you liked the picture of grandbaby. He is adorable isn't he? I'm going to give them time to get home and settle in and will probably go for another visit next week. I'm working a lot of hours coming up at work, so I probably won't get time to sneak away to see him until later next week.

Can't wait.

[job]

You have a God given talent of taking beautiful photos. You now have a new little person to take photos of and document his growth through photos. Tad, you are going to spoil this little guy....I can already see that from the photos.

[neffer]

Congrats on the new baby Tad. Just keep living your life. Keep moving forward. There´s no need to be hurt again with some maybe out of reality expectations. Better believe in that than trying to decode any kind of alien old W´s signal coming from her actual self.

It´s hard man. Remain into your real life, live your present. And enjoy your grandson!

(((((((((Tad)))))))))

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Job and Neffer. I'm already planning on spoiling my new grand-dude. I can't wait.

After observing the behavior of my XW over the past 9 years and especially over the last few months, I've started to wonder about something.

Many of the articles here discuss how the MLCer starts to settle down, smile again, look spouse in the eyes and stuff like that once their crisis starts to settle down. I've even noticed it in my XW lately.

While that may be true, isn't it possible that some of the changes in their behavior have to do with changes in our behavior as well?

Just a thought...

Tad

[job]

Tad,

To answer your question, yes, it is possible for some changes that we make can actually be mirrored by our spouses/former spouses. However, I do think that your xw is finally settling down a bit and as time moves along, I may be wrong, but I think this new baby will heal some scars in both of your hearts.

Enjoy your weekend and take lots of photos of the wee one.