Our healing takes time and it does sound like you are going through the emotional stages and processes of healing Grieving may take 1-2 years-and you may feel both sides of wanting him back and letting him go.... until finally we totally let go for good--I would trust yourself-
He is a different man for now A man who is leaving his family to pursue a fantasy life with a new woman A man who may be reliving a time from his past that is unresolved A man who has no clue he may be in a crises that is fueling his choices A man who is most likely headed toward a path of destruction unless he chooses therapy or intervention-
You are on the other hand are a strong grounded woman one who sees and lives in reality one who will seek inner growth for yourself and them transport that health and growth to your kids-
you can love your H from a distance and train your mind to wish him the best maybe right now you feel anger..it is normal and have negative thoughts toward him also normal-- but you can validate your pain and thoughts, embrace it ,and keep letting it express while also training our minds to think and wish the best for everyone including H
its a discipline..and may feel weird at first but in the end it will allow us to fully detach with love and forgiveness-in time-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I don’t know what I would do without you guys, you give me so much strength! <3 <3 <3
Whenever talking about this situation with anyone here, I always just get encouragement to leave him and people talking bad about him, which as an outsider with no experience in MLC seems to be the only rational thing to do. But it doesn’t really help me in this, when I see how he’s really just destroying everything he’s built.
I met with an old friend of mine, whose husband works with mine. Oh my, the talks around town about him and his girlfriend. He has been very well-respected man and the company he runs, has branded themselves as a very family-oriented business. Now it seems that people are talking about what a joke it is that my H is running the business while openly talking to people about his girlfriend.
I got a call from the school of D12 yesterday. She might have to repeat her grade. I was very surprised as she’s been doing so well in school. The teacher said that in the past 2 months (so after BD) her schoolwork has gone significantly down. I sent a message to my H and we went to see the teacher today. I had sent the teacher email yesterday telling him that H left 2 months ago and that has affected all the kids a lot. At the time I should have notified the school, but I was such a mess myself that I didn’t think about it.
So in the meeting today the teacher explained and showed us how her grades have dropped so badly that she’s failing in 3 subjects. This all in two months!!! And he also said that she has many times cried in school, but when the teacher has asked what was wrong, she has not told him. Listening to this my H just sits there, quiet. When we got out, I couldn’t be quiet. I was calm and not emotional, I just simply asked “Have you thought at all what consequences your actions have for the kids?” His reply: “Nyla, I don’t want to talk about this now” I said no need to, it was just an observation. And let him be. In a few minutes I continued conversation with normal stuff.
When we drove home with the kids, we had a nice ride. The kids and I were joking around. H was quiet other than once in a while laughing at our jokes.
He’s standard reply to everything seems to be "not now". He doesn’t want to talk about anything that has to do with his leaving us. Not the future i.e. custody, alimonies, assets, nor the kids and the effect this has on them. And it’s frustrating, but like you guys have said to me so many times, it will only get worse. So I’m trying to brace myself.
Peacetoday, I wish he would see that he needs therapy. I guess there’s nothing I or anyone can do to steer him that way… I wll try to do as you say and follow my heart, even though it seems to be lost now too.
DnJ, once again, thank you so much for explaining my inner turmoils for me in a way that makes them more understandable. ((((DnJ))))
On BD Me 39 H44 D14 D12 S10 M19 T19 BD 3/19 Separation 3/19 H filed for D 4/19
This is mixed up and difficult time, and children are not immune from it. It is unfortunate that you did not find out about D12’s grades earlier.
H’s response of “not now” and putting things off - yeah pretty common theme for an MLCer.
Talk with D12, as I am sure you already are. H’s leaving of course has had an affect, and there could be other factors, derived from her Dad’s behaviour or not. Be kind and listen to whatever D12 has to say.
Does her school, or somewhere close, have remedial summer classes? Perhaps she would be receptive to upgrading those three classes so she can remain with her grade and not be held back.
You can see H. Do not count on him for helping with this, or much of anything really. You dear girl can do it with out his help.
And yes Nyla, most people in real life, do not understand this MLC, or understand the path you are walking. Unless a person has been touched by or involved in MLC, this world is completely unknown to them.
That being said, there are more hurt and healed people out there than one may realize. We bump into them as fate has destined. Maybe to help, maybe to be helped.
Be strong and walk your difficult path. Hold your head up high and be the best you can. Have faith, you never know who you will bump into and why.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
You did great not reacting to his "denial" and lack of willingness to take any responsibility
What helped my D at age 12 when her dad left(she is almost 24 now) was sitting with her at the end of the day and just listening to her ..This actually began a great connection with us and we still talk everyday and she shares her life, her goals and dreams with me and her pains
Just listen to her and try to say nothing, just nod and be quiet--validate her life and pain and nod
My xh never wanted to talk about anything either-and many
hang in there
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I’ve had a rough weekend. Nothing really has happened, but I’m having a hard time keeping my emotions in check. I’ve been sad, crying a lot and just missing my H. And I’ve felt this urge to just confront him, talk to him and make him understand.
Whenever we have had rough patches in the past, he has always said “we will get thru this” “we don’t quit” “You’re stuck with me for the rest of your life” (not in a creepy way but in a endearing way)
Why can’t I just say the same things to him now? I know it probably wouldn’t help, but at the same time I keep on thinking that what if it would? I have been pursued him since he moved out, and I think I was a bit of a distancer in our marriage. I don’t know, this is so hard. I did a lot of fun things this weekend, so I shouldn’t have been sad. I went out for dinner with girlfriends on Friday. Saturday I took the kids and met with my sisters family and had a fun beach picnic and dinner together. Sunday I cleaned the yard, and spent the afternoon with my son by the pool. But still H keeps on sneaking into my thoughts, and the OW. Earlier I haven’t really thought of her so much, but knowing that she’s coming soon, it stresses me out.
I reminded the kids that Sunday was Fathers day in the States (my H is an American) and that maybe they want to send him a message, my D14 response was #%&* no! The language she has started to use when referring to her father is really nasty, and I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she’s still so angry that she’s not letting me really say anything to her about this situation.
I’m leaving to go and visit my hometown tomorrow and we will be gone for two weeks, and when we come back, OW has moved here, so I’m dreading that a bit. I shouldn’t as I know there’s nothing I can do to change this, but still, it scares me and hurts me.
Going home scares me too. I don’t want to talk to people about this, and then going and staying at our summerhouse is going to be painful. That was our mutual dream to have the place where we can be alone as a family and where we could eventually bring our grandkids and teach them how to do all kinds of handy things. Sigh.
On BD Me 39 H44 D14 D12 S10 M19 T19 BD 3/19 Separation 3/19 H filed for D 4/19
It would not help to say anything to him and may make it worse
I know it hurts and the only way to get through it is to go through it the pain , the feelings, the ups and downs, the confusion ect..
we go through a healing process with 5 stages-- denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance-- sometimes we flow in and out of these stages and back again By having some awareness, you may see yourself in a stage
Your kids will go through their pain and healing as well- again- as long as you are grounded they will probably be ok therapy is helpful for them as well if they are willing-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Nyla, hello. I have been avoiding writing replies to most of the posters of late but did read your thread and just so far felt you were in good hands with everyone else here. And of course, I still do. But I just wanted to say something about your last post --
NOTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY TO HIM WILL BE HEARD BY HIM.
I know EXACTLY what you are thinking and feeling because I have been there and I am sure all of us have. I am in year six of MLC and I STILL sometimes say something to H thinking that he will hear it. Not only does he almost never hear it but generally he twists it into something totally different than what I intended.
If you have a chance, read my last post on Roist's thread, about writing the letter releasing your expectations of your H. I think you really really need to do that. It won't feel any different right away but it will help to articulate it and start working on releasing those things.
Here's the thing that helped me the most on these boards -- I mean, outside of the friendships I made here, and feeling that some friends out there understood me and even liked me! -- it was something I read somewhere that said that we can't change the MLC or do anything about it really. We can only choose to outlast it.
What you are doing now is putting your H in a box. Inside that box, he will do all kinds of nasty ridiculous things with nasty ridiculous people. You can choose to open the lid and take a look but it will only make you feel horrible. The best thing to do is to bury the box in a metaphorical garden and plant some of your favorite flowers over it. And one day if your H wants to, he will dig out of the box, climb those flowers, and come back. YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM COME BACK. Not with words, flowers, rational arguments, nothing. Only he can decide to come back, and at that point, he will either see your openness and forgiveness or will see that the door is now closed. That's the outlasting part.
I am positive that his relationship will end. They always do. That silly little selfish girl is obviously carrying a counterfeit of love. Their R is based and built on lies and on the misery of three other people. It is not possible that anything good could ever come out of it. So you don't have to worry about that being anything real, it will end for sure, though I totally understand your feelings and don't think it's possible for you to believe me at this point no matter what I say.
All you can do is take your thoughts captive when they come, recognize that your heart is gonna ache for a long long time -- and that that is a good thing, because it means your love and your vows were/are real to you.
If you are a person of faith, there are lots more ways to do get through this pain and to surrender your H. But if not, I recommend talking to the trees, the ocean, the garden, the stars. Tell them about your pain, about the injustice of it all, about how it's too much for you and you can't go on with this much pain. Ask them to take your pain and take your H and heal him. Ask everyday, many times a day. Seek to surrender him, and to surrender all your expectations of him.
Then with him -- Stop having real conversations with him. Be kind whenever you can, but without any expectation of kindness in return. Do not encounter the OW, you don't have to and there is no reason to legitimize their adultery. Let H do all the work and don't take anything he says seriously unless it's about making visitation plans. He will say many horrible things. Put those in the box, dig it up if you have to add more of his crazy talk to the box, and plant more flowers over them.
Don't think it will stop hurting anytime soon. It won't. You are just training yourself to outlast it. Even if you don't choose to stand and to take him back one day when he wakes up from the nightmare he dragged you all into, you still need to outlast it.
Sorry you are here. (((Nyla))))
Last edited by Gerda; 06/11/1903:09 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Peacetoday has given you some wonderful advice. And Gerda has beautifully described the outlasting of MLC. She really hit the nail on the head. Lots of wisdom in there.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
My D14 found the OW on Instagram and had sent her messages last night. She was not nice to her, but not really rude either. At first. The message was basically asking the OW why she chose to be with a married man who has 3 kids.
The OW reply was immature and just wrong. She was saying that my D14 needs to talk to her like an adult and respectfully, that D14 doesn't know the whole story, and that's why it's easy for her to blame the OW (I wish I knew the whole story)
She was disrespectful towards my daughter who then lost her cool and sent many mean messages, my D14 told her that she only respects good people and OW is not a good person and that respect is earned. (The OW replied that respect is not earned but jealousy is. (What does that even mean)) In the end my daughter ended the messaging by telling her that if the OW moves in with her dad, she will burn the house down and stab her to death.
This is not the girl we raised, there's so much anger there now. I talked with her and told her that she has a right to feel angry, but she shouldn't waste her time on the OW anymore, she's better than that, and it won't change things.
Now this morning my H sends me a message saying that we need to talk with D14 as she's sending threatening messages to kill people. Basically he is asking me to step in when he feels that D14 is being mean to his girlfriend.
He doesn't know that D14 already told me about the messaging and showed me the texts. I don't know what to reply to him. This is his mess, my relationship with D14 is fine, she was wrong in threatening to kill the OW, but she is also a teenager who's very angry and I already talked with her about it. Any thoughts on what to say or do?
On BD Me 39 H44 D14 D12 S10 M19 T19 BD 3/19 Separation 3/19 H filed for D 4/19
