I am sorry for what you and your family is going through. Teens do test boundaries and sometimes end up on the poorer side of certain choices.
I hear your feelings and do empathize. Please exquisitetobe, you are not a failure. Let that feeling flit away.
Getting to the root of this matter is a very good thing. From what you’ve said about bf and his potential years of jail - he needs a big wake up call. I am pretty sure he would not be stopping on his own. Perhaps this might just turn his life around.
Recently I was involved in an investigation that ended up with around 40 people getting terminated, even more reprimanded, and even more warned with letters on their files. What a thing to go through. I didn’t like it at all.
Now, looking back, I am happy I did the right thing. Those people’s consequences were not without merit. Those that had shown intent and no remorse for their actions got the most severe discipline. Their behaviour was serious and life endangering. Perhaps some had a wake up call.
I don’t know the details of this matter of D16 and bf. I’ve gleaned a few, hardly a complete picture. However, do the right thing. You will feel good about that choice, and I know how hard a choice that is.
It is good that you and D16’s Dad are on the same page for this.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
You did the right thing by getting her dad involved. Actually, I think you've been doing the right thing all along. Again, you're NOT a failure.
Just be careful. A lot of times forbidding something will make them want it more.
Keep us updated.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
(((exquisitetobe))) - I agree with the others. You did the exact right thing and I'm very happy for your family that your ex has stepped up and done his job both as a father and as a cop.
Messing around with a bit of pot is one thing but getting into anything harder, especially in company of others who enable is a road to ruin. And just because you live in a small town it doesn't mean anything.
I'm personally grateful that I never had to deal with anything like this but can understand as both a parent and as a single parent at least a touch of how much you are feeling torn, dissapointed in yourself and your daughter, frustrated and exhausted.
Hopefully your ex and perhaps other professionals can assist you in figuring out the best way to deal with this.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Thank you so much for all your support! ((( to all )))
day 2 of a new rollercoaster ride. I left you to drive D16 to our meeting point. It was scheduled for 6h00pm. We got there 10 min. early. We waited on the side of the road for 1h10 min. He apologized for being late. Said he had a quick stop to make before coming. He asked what was i planning for next week because he was away for work. My face showed desapointment and in my head, " what??? As if. ARGGGGG!!!" i replied: i' ll take the week off i guess or i' ll schedule her all week.
Ex-h: and then what? Will she be moving in with me for the summer?
Me: i want her to keep working with me. I do not want to lose her, i do not want to be replace"
Ex-h: ( tone of voice rising) YOU ATE NOT GETTING REPLACE. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR HEAD"
me: ( high tone to) I cannot be a mother to her if i am not around her.
Ex-h: how do you think i feel?
Me: You wanted this.. not me
Ex-h: I know.. You are damaging the kids with the things you tell them. That' s why they do not come to see me.you make them feel bed.
Me: i want her to keep her job. She lost her home, she lost her bf, she cannot lose her job to. It is too much.
Ex h: then what? You will cling on to her all the time? She won' t be able to hang around friends? You know that if she is here, she will go right back.
Me: i know!!
Ex-h:: your screaming and the things you say to them is making them feel like they are betraying you. It makes them feel guilty. You do not realise how much damage you do to them. And now, we have to deal with this!
Now, my anxiety rises and i feel low, responsable, angry that he pins this on me yet he will leave next week. I feel like i caused this. I start shaking. I walk to my car. He jumps in his truck and drive off furious. I sit down, cry, cry and cry. I ask D18 to please switch seat and take the wheel. She does and she asked what has happen i tell her that it is pin on me. That i damage them. That i am the reason all of this is happening and he does not get how is gf makes me feel replaced. That i cannot be a mother to a child who is not around. I am a mess and i am late to meet a friend. But i need her so i go to see her. Right away, she ask: you were crying..what is it? I tell her what just happened and i do not know what to do By addressing one problem, i feel i created a new one and i do not know what is the solution She tells me that i did really well with all my kids. That i am a great mother and i will find a solution. Even D16 who messed up is still a good kid. They all are.
I call D18 to come and pick me up. As soon as we get home, ex-h texts D18 to let me know he is calling the house.
The conversation started with trying to put a plan in action for D16. We both agree that she cannot be here with me. We argued on the work issue. Then the accusation started again. I am a f*ck up who damages the kids. I told him that i would not damage anybody else. I was done.( i was devastated and destroyed. Shaking and once again, leaving it all. I felt like a whortless piece of .... )
I packed a bag and as i was getting in the car, D18 opened the door. " what are you doing? Me: " i have done enough damage to everyone."
I closed the door and left.. 45 min. later, i stop. I text my boss saying i was sorry to do this again but i had to quit. I did not know when i would return.
1h00 later, i stop again, try to look at the situation dead on.. Where am i gonna go? What was gonna happen? What was i gonna do? No matter what, i would eventually have to return to address the house, the bills etc.. As for D16, losing her bf, her friends, her house, her job and now her mom.. now i would definately be the reason. NO NO NO i cannot not give up. First thing, no matter what, i need to adress the house. I need to sell it. That is 100 percent sure. I do jot want to make any decision when i am like this because my plan changes with my moods. But the house is a sure " must sell and get out of this town ".
My sleep is on and off.. Day 3 4h00 am. : i am awaken by a nervous shock. Something i experience often when i am in high anxiety for long period of time. Lack of sleep and high stress. I jump in the basement and start cleaning it. Getting raid of clutters and pilling it outside to take to the dump. It is free dumping until the 16th. I want to take advantage of it. 5h50 am. I start thinking about work. I am the key holder. I start thinking about the staff and the deliveries coming in. I make the decision to go. I text my boss, who has not seen my prior message yet, to please ignore it . I would not do this to them. I would give all i can under the circounstences. I was going in. (They told them about the situation and warned them that the cops my come to address D16' s bf and they did.)
7h00am. My boss comes straoght to me and ask: you ok? Me: (shaken) no i feel like by adressing an issue, i created many others and i do not know what to do about it. I do not want to make any decision because of my state of mind at the moment.
He understood. He knows this is very difficult and him and his wife were gonna support me with anything i needed.
I signed out and went home. I layed on the couch and fell asleep.
8h05 am. Phone rings. Me: allo Ex-h: ( angry ) WHAT ARE YOU DOING? i hanged up
Of course, he called right back. Me: (regular tone ) you can drive her all the way. I did enough damage. No matter what i do or i much i put in, i am a f*ck head to you". And i hang up Grabbed my jacket and head out the door because i kbew he would call again or would come to the house after driving her. I took another 45 min.ride to make sure he would be gone by the time i got back. 11h30 am. I picked up D16 for her lunch. She was quiet bit ok. 12h25, took her back to school. 1h00 pm now i feel nauseated and like i am about to faint. I ask D18 if she could give me a ride. She said yes.. where to? Me: hospital
Emerg. : all emotions in termoul. I told my story, all my symtoms and why i was there. I ask for a referal to minto councelling. I asked for mood stabilizer and anxoety meds bevause i know the next couple of months will be a heck of a ride. I told the doctor that i have been here before and i know i need to address my symptoms before making any decision and i need to do this fast. He said he was very happy that i was able to share this openly with him. He was quite amaze at how i handle this. He would definately refer me to minto. He said i was one of the strongest person he has met and i was really handleing this the right way. He said he would do a little bit of research in my file and would make the call to minto. Within 30 min., MY councellor walked in. ( same one as before ) As soon as she saw me, she knew. All she needed was an update of recent event. She made a report. Asked if she could leave a copy here to get things moving faster and she is willing to get me started monday.
Road block: Here, family doctors are scarce. They come and go and we often have a shortage. Unfortunately, this is one of these time. I was dropped by my family doctor and no one has filled his position. To get tjis going and be covered, i need a recommandation from my doctor. We have tried without luck so my new doctor is from out of town. The appointment is monday therefor couscelling will be start a bit later in the week. Meds cannot be prescribe by the ER physician and since very minimal contact with ex will happen by then, it was fine by me.
7h00pm.. home ( yes, i was in emerg for 6h00 ) D18 wants an update. I try to calm my shaking.. i watch a little bit of tv . I go to bed and sleep until my alarm.. yes ahhhhhh! How rejuvinating.
Day 4: i go to work. D18 informs me that ex-h will drop off and pick up D16 all the way. 11h30, i pick up D16 for her lunch and she tells me today was the first day of exams. She has no class in the afternoon. I bring her home. Give D18 the keys for my car and tell her to take D16 out because she will need it. She will get bored and the time spent together the 2 of them will do good.
They bring me back to work.
D16 is working 8 to 4. I keep my eyes on him all day. In the morning, i got scared. My boss comes to me to say: guess what? Aparently, they just pulled the plug on his grand-father" He had told D16 that his grand-pa was dying and he had asked for the day off and was refused. When D16 told me and said: "did he tell them why because i am sure they would not have refused." She said: " i don' t know but he passed away tjis morning and he did not have the chance to say goodbye! THIS WAS 2 WEEKS AGO. My boss felt like crap because she had not giving him the saturday off and today, he died again.. An alarm went off in my head. I am here. My car his hete so he knows D18 is not watching D16. Ex-h is at work and D16 is at school. I go find him to see if he is still here. I ask my boss if he asked to get off early. She said she did not know. Me and his boss do not get along and i do jot trust her so i go for the butcher and ask him if he could please let me know if he leaves work early asap. ( he would know because the manager i do not like would complain about being short staff all day ). He agreed. I got off at 3h00pm and bf was still there. I got home. The girls were ok. Watching tv. 3h15 pm ex-h comes over to pick up D16. We are both calm. We get into an understanding that D16 will spend the summer with him. She will not work with me. He understands my concern over his schedule which will not allow him to be there for her 24-7. I explained my dilemma. I thanked him for taking the time off next week . ( yes, he told his boss that like it or not, he is taking it off to take care of this. ) i was shocked and so happy! I told him i need him always have but ( moment of silence) i was glad he is adressing this with me. That together, we can beat this. He said: with this said, sell the house. She cannot come back here. I agree.
He took a look at my pile of garbage and i was expecting a question about the tires but no.. he asked whos matress was this? (Lol).. i daid Son it has been in the basement for years.. Hr asked if the town were gonna pick it up. I said no. I am taking advantage of the free drop-in. I' ll be taking it to the dump. I got until the 16th.
I would not be surprised if ex-h shows up with a trailer tomorrow.. Lets wait and see.
Now, i have typed so much, i do not know if i missed anything. But this is the global of it for now. I' ll keep you posted..
I did forget something. While in Emerg. I got a text from D18 telling me that D16's bf was outside the school. I immediately called OPP and got those darn press 1 press 2 questions to end up with anotjer number to call. As i was on that call, another text came in from D18 sayong : nevermind, he just left and dad is here now. She also told her father who rushed in the school looking for him. But no, he had not been inside. I let it be knowing she was safe with him.
You'll be ok - in time. You hurt because you care.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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