H showed up again this morning, to get a package. I wasn't home and he called me, wildly angry when I said he couldn't come to the house unannounced. Not to mention that this morning the guys were showing up to demo a wall for a new door so I can start renting, and he kept sending me e-mails about how I couldn't alter his house without his permission so thank god he was gone before they came.
I was really scared of him. Not physically but just in my soul. It's hard to explain but somehow what I hate most about facing him is facing that he hates me and that he thinks things about me that aren't true. I am scared of having to face his vision of me, in a way.
I got a little frantic and did not stay calm. I didn't scream at him but I told him I would call the police if he came there and that I had paid him 5K to move out, and he shouted that he would call the police and it's his house, etc.
What I hate most is I do not want to be that woman who says those things or does those things. I feel like he is able to make me be the thing he thinks I am.
Last edited by Gerda; 06/05/1902:53 PM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Have your lawyer advise his lawyer that he cannot come to the house unannounced like that. You have held up your end of the agreement to pay him $5,000 to move out. Your lawyer needs to emphasize that if he continues to carry on like this and not follow the agreement, it will become null and void. Also, it may come down to you getting a restraining order against him for this nonsense. What exactly does he want from the house? If it's his belongings, then give him one drop dead date to come get all of his belongings or you will put them storage and give him the key and he can pay the monthly fee.
His problem, like many of them who are in crisis....they do not think that they have to follow agreements/rules, but that we need to do so.
His name may be on the deed, but he agreed to move out for a price. It is now suppose to be your safe haven. It won't be until the boundaries are set and followed. Don't respond to any of his emails unless they make sense. Do not threaten him with calling the police unless you are going to follow through and even then, I wouldn't tell him that you're going to do it unless he stops...just do it if he continues acting stupid.
I have no sympathy for people who continue to act the victim and monster because they aren't happy w/what they agreed to do.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am going to ditto Job. This is the time to set boundaries and doing so secures your sanity.
No more coming over unannounced. No more coming in for inspections. Curb side pickup for kids. Do it and do it now. Best thing I ever did and Job helped me toe the line.
He wants a divorce that means you get to run your house your way. And that is that very freeing! It is worth every penny to write in these rules: no more coming over unannounced, curb side pick up, communicate via lawyers, and parallel parenting plan in place. Yours is like mine; he will want to control.
Put boundaries in place and you will secure your future.
Hard as this seems, trust me, you have been handed a gift - the future is yours!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I have been reading along. I have also been working and very busy, so no posts for a few days.
Job and HaWho have really hit the nail on the head, such good and wise advice.
Originally Posted by Gerda
What I hate most is I do not want to be that woman who says those things or does those things. I feel like he is able to make me be the thing he thinks I am.
What do I say about feelings?
Feelings are fleeting. Let them flit away.
Gerda this will pass. You know you are not what he says or thinks you are. I felt the same way in my situation. Some time and distance from him and things will look so much better and brighter. You will be amazed my dear friend.
Originally Posted by Gerda
And DnJ, I am making that butter tart slice and the one I can't spell...
LOL!
I was being pretty sophisticated when I typed Nanaimo Bar, which I had to google. I just usually call it chocolate slice. Haha.
Take care.
Oh, and remember H is crazy and there is nothing you can do about it.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Well, I was just in church telling God how lonely I was and then came home to your poem. Thank you so much!!! Oh my gosh that cheered me up more than a butter tart slice!
Which, no, I haven't made yet. Why, you ask?
Well, on Thursday the guys started the job on my apartment to put in a new door so I can rent out part of it. Then I cracked open a molar -- I think I must be grinding my teeth, I wonder why.
Then on Thursday night, D10 got a 103 degree fever so I was up all night trying to work and deal with that and get rid of the fifty pounds of dust left by the workers and move out all H's extra crap into my side yard to cover with tarps lest it rain.
Then on Friday I went to emergency dentist, leaving sick D at home. They couldn't get it numb so I had to have like eight needles! Came back to workers and dust and rising fever with some rash. Rinse, repeat, esp with the all night tending of child with my own jaw quite angry about all those needles.
And then on Saturday with the guys still working and the dust and the first visitation from H with lots of insane back and forth becuase he refused to accept that she was sick or that I would not allow him to give her his old iPhone (and mind you, he is not giving me a penny of child support but managed to get a new iPhone?) -- when he brought her back, I realized that the rash was not a rash but CHICKEN POX.
(Oh and I am getting a little better at MLC. Rather than fight H about the phone, I took the iPhone and stuck it in a drawer and told D she can take it out once a day to text H or whatever else but that when she was with me she was using the flip phone I got her only.)
And what is also funny/not at all funny is that for the visit, I told H that she should just do something very quiet and stay out of the sun since she was sick with a high fever, so he took her somewhere on the train and walked around for a few hours, etc. And told her on the way back that she looked much better BECAUSE SHE HAD SPENT TIME IN THE SUN. She had probably double the pox she had before she left, so she did not look better at all, and I know it was not because of the sun but because she had chicken pox. Point is, that man is so obsessed with getting out of my controlling powers that he is literally seeing things in order to feel he is right.
So I have not made butter tart slice or nanananananiammooooononaimo. But I will.
((DnJ))
Last edited by Gerda; 06/10/1906:30 PM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
To bad you haven’t been able to eat any butter tart slice yet. I’ll describe it for you. That should help. It’s just like eating them. Well without the taste, smell, texture, sugary goodness. Ha ha. Hmmmm. Maybe this doesn’t help.
A light pastry bottom. Brown sugary syrup filling, smothering plump raisins. The top caramelized to a golden brown, the crystallized sugar covering the deep layer of sweet sugary raisin ambrosia. Biting into what could very well be the best snack in the world, one gets a rush of sweet. This jolt produces a rush, cheeks flush, breath inhales, vision brightens - sweet dessert at it finest.
Dang. Now I want some.
By the way, nice job with the cell phone. No point in fighting with H.
It is so much better without H here, but with all the struggle to get this apartment ready to rent, and all the other above, there has been no peace and quiet -- just a lonely quiet and feeling totally overwhelmed.
Last night I just fell apart for a few hours of serious crying out to God. Just about the unbearable loneliness. This is a loneliness that has been with me since I was 14 years old, when my family fell apart and both of my own parents went bonkers (mom MLC, dad reacting badly, waves of awfulness across extended family that was before that very close). For a little while, when my H and I were close, I did not have it anymore, but really most of my life has been that way, feeling totally alone, and only now in the last five years do I have the grace of feeling that God is with me.
But the physical loneliness has become overwhelming now that H is out and I don't have to just simmer in my PTSD of his abuse. And trying to get this apartment ready all alone is just so hard!
Realizing that this is real, he really is divorcing me. And a horrible letter I got from MIL, which I will post here just to point out that MLC has a wide berth.
So I know this must be part of grief and there must be something past it. But right now I am low low low.
Here is the letter from MIL. I wrote to her because she stopped seeing us when MLC started, just totally stopped coming and sees my kids at most once a year (generally because I scrape together the money for plane tickets, twice even paying for H to come too, she has never helped me even with groceries on a visit since MLC started) while before that she was with us all the time. So since she is so disconnected and did not know, when I told her in Dec, that H had filed, I didn't know if she knew H had moved out. My letter was very loving and said that it was too hard for me to live with someone who was divorcing me but that I really loved her and hoped she knew I was the same girl she always knew even if she was hearing some things about me that probably weren't true, and that I hoped she would stay in our lives and that I would bring the kids to see her in the fall. I asked her to pray for our marriage and family and said that I was not planning to start a life with anyone else but would always believe restoration was possible. So I got this in return, and it shows you what trauma H had with that kind of hard heart but it was hard to take her hatred on top of everything, I naively thought like most in-laws they' be so glad not to be cut out after divorce. Also I have never left my kids with her alone at their house because my FIL is a nasty raging alcoholic with guns in the house (and who abused H throughout his childhood) and extreme racist views that he spouts literally all day, etc., so I like to be a buffer there. Also just because it's nice to be all together as a family, even with people like that! I have known her since I was 23 years old, I am 47 now. And she basically wrote to tell me that she doesn't want to see me ever again and would only see my kids if I was nowhere near.
Hi, Gerda, i have received your letter, and it is hard to respond. H doesn't share much with me, and i prefer it that way. You have both failed very badly, so many wrong decisions, both because your own preferences and desires. The time to fix your marriage and lifestyle, long passed. Many years ago, you two made a decision to live in the City instead of suburbs, this is the price you are now paying. I can't and do not wish to be part of your lives full of self made disasters, and complications of all kinds. I hope and pray, that both of you find some peace apart, and bring your lives into some meaningful path. I feel very bad for the kids, they need time away from both of you too. S and D are old enough to travel, so if they wish to come and visit their grandparents when the school is over, I will pay for their tickets. I love them and would take care of them. Sorry I have to be this blunt, but I can't deal with your problems. You are both on your own. Maybe some day, H will restore his relationship with the kids, and can bring them here. He is our flesh and blood, and I will love him always. Sorry, MIL
Onward, will try to put one foot in front of other and get this post-construction dust under control....
Last edited by Gerda; 06/12/1905:16 PM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Holy cow, Gerda. I'm so very sorry that you got that letter. How awful.
I had major depression and PTSD and finally was healed after going through EMDR therapy. It was God-sent. Literally. With that and prayer (serious prayer) I am a new person.
I will pray, too, that you feel God's presence. I don't always so I remind myself that feelings are not the 'truth', they are feelings. They come and go.
I need to read more of your sitch, so I will do that as soon as I can come back on. I'm just so dang sorry that you had that response from your MIL. To be honest, from this view, it says far more about her than you. Maybe she believes that this is a boundary issue for her. After reading this post from you, I felt like I had to stop in and give you some support.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Gerda - So very sorry your MIL added to your burdens. Some people are incapable of offfering empathy. And she seems to think that blood over-rides even the worst behaviors. I do not agree with this. But, there it is.
I originally had so many words written out here for you to read, but nothing sounded quite right.
I continue to pray for you. Let the feelings of grief, sadness, rage, and loneliness wash over you and drain away. Take one moment, one hour, one day at a time. Take a few moments throughout the day just for yourself. And ask for help if you need it. For the work on the apartment, perhaps members of your church can step in for a work day and help out?
