Attracting the WW back ?

[gzabetas]

Thanks Steve and AS, and Allison. I needed to hear this.
Its strange that as vets you never falter, your advice is solid and consistent. I think maybe they will grant an exception this time in their advice, but you are so seasoned its second nature to you to give the proper answer. Good job!

Its painful to watch her, but I need to stay out of her life. Tonight my father in law (who is still great friends with me, and helped me thru this by acknowledging his daughter's off-the-wall behavior this last year) told me her mother is coming to visit, so I think her distress signal landed and she has found someone to help.

As far as the bed, I just bought him a bed for my house, for the few days he is sitting with me, and since she takes more money than I make from me (I borrow for her alimony) I am unfortunately not left with much. I am dependent on her good decision making to see to it he gets a proper bed.

[gzabetas]

Small update on my sitch.

Found out today that even though we have divorced for about 6 weeks now and I have paid her 2 alimony checks, she still bad mouths me to outsiders.
She still has anger with me on the phone sometimes. Its hot and cold. Its like Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde.
Sweet and innocent one minute and a dragon breathing fires the other.

I am out of her life, how can she still find a way to accuse me of everything wrong in her life.

Small recap.
I saved her from death 3-4 times (surgery with cysts that I researched and paid for, heart problems, etc)
I made all her dreams true (spanish lessons, tango, gym membership, motherhood)

** The motherhood was a miracle as she was not meant to have kids and I invested my whole life into making that happen for her. If all else failed I thought THAT would have made her complete, whole and happy. How wrong I was.**

Took her out 3 times a week. Watched films together. We were best friends.

And today I found out she admitted her cheating affair to our common friend cause I was such an A**ole to be with ?

Are these spouses mentally deranged? Really.

She has the softest face of an angel, and I cant even explain to common friends that I am not the bad guy really.

They are dealing with an unreliable narrator, kind of like Keyser Sose in the Unusual Suspects.

No one could see the pure evil that lied below.

In our spouses life they were depressed and had low self esteem for so long that bred this. But when all our efforts to bring them sunshine failed (cause they werent ready to be saved I guess) they executed us..

The winner rewrites history I guess....

[SteveLW]

g, how are you? Plans for the summer? How is IC going?

Too much her in your post. g, you should be a ghost to her right now. Who cares what she is saying, the truth always has a way of winning out. You can believe it. A man that is confident is an innocent man. Just chuckle when people ask you about things she said, like "that is sooooooo absurd it doesn't warrant a response". Those that are innocent don't feel the need to defend themselves.

You've got this man. Onward and upward!

[gzabetas]

Thanks Steve,

Actually planning to move back to the States at the end of this summer back to my hometown of Chicago.

Yeah having a bad night tonight as I am hearing alot of damaging words from her mouth. Hence the 'her" in my post.

As this is a small town in Greece, I feel it may be the reason behind my losing work or common friends.


Otherwise working out, getting fit, playing the guitar again. Studying for Windows Server Admin, doing a refresher on my admin skills for my reentry in to the US IT job market.

I just cant believe the level of delusion she is in, maintaining the animosity and wanting to abolish me.

Thanks again for the encouraging words my brother.

[gzabetas]

I feel frustrated though as if I feel none of my posts have captured what has been happening lately.

Here is the vicious cycle that I am caught in.

1. I am distant doing my own thing, then our kid needs to be handed off between us and we interact.
2. She shows me some sign of weakness or something she needs help with, usually related to the kid.
3. I come in to save the day.
4 And she crucifies me for it.
rinse and repeat


Thats it in a nutshell. I have no idea how to cope with that.

Her condition is such that she sees anyone who giver her any attention as a weakling and she punishes them.
Its twisted.

Its like that scene from Ghostbusters with Gozer the Gagarian.

"You showed me kindness, Now Die !!!"

I was a distant loner last week and she was respecting me. Then she needed help with her resume for her new job.
No one could edit her PDF version. I am kinda the IT genius in my small town, so I help her.
No thank you, later that night she cursed at me.

A few days ago, they couldnt set up her home internet - so I drew her a network diagram to work on her own showing where all the cables went. The next morning she bad mouths me.

Today she had nowhere to leave our son and it was her day with him. I step up.
When I returned him home, she made this dismissive hand gesture like "Now beat it, scram"
WTF

Its as if she can only raise her value/self-esteem by diminishing me.

I know its her twisted game and I should not play it. But I dont want to give her the satisfaciton


Tomorrow our son is in a school play, We will bump into each other.
God knows what surprise awaits me.
Sure she will provoke some kind of fight to make me look like an A*ole (as the tune by Beck goes)

[unchien]

gzabetas -

"If you continue to bad mouth me, I will no longer help you with tasks like your resume or internet." Set some boundaries.

For your son, enjoy the extra time you get with him. She's dismissive? Hey, it just validates that she is not a good person to be with.

She sounds awful, whether or not people recognize her bad-mouthing. Don't play her game, be consistent, rise above. Stop saving the day.

[AnotherStander]

Here is the vicious cycle that I am caught in.

GZ, sounds like she's a narcissist. When she's asking you to do things it's just a form of control for her. Crucifying you afterwards is also a form of control, it's her telling you that you have no value, that she doesn't care about your help and that she's done with you again. If you don't know much about narcissism then please do some research, it'll help you recognize her patterns so you can avoid falling into the same old traps she lays.

Her condition is such that she sees anyone who giver her any attention as a weakling and she punishes them.

Narcissists are unable to feel empathy towards others because everything is all about themselves.

Then she needed help with her resume for her new job.
No one could edit her PDF version. I am kinda the IT genius in my small town, so I help her.
No thank you, later that night she cursed at me.

This should be obvious, but you've got to quit helping her. If she asks for your help then politely decline. If she asks why then tell her like unchien said that you are done being insulted every time you help her and you will no longer tolerate it. Expect denial or even ranting, just tell her the conversation is over and walk away or hang up or quit replying to texts.

Its as if she can only raise her value/self-esteem by diminishing me.

Emotional Invalidation and Coercion

Although narcissists and gaslighters can be (but are not always) physically abusive, for the majority of their victims, emotional suffering is where the damage is most painfully felt. Both narcissists and gaslighters enjoy spreading and arousing negative emotions in order to feel powerful, and keep you insecure and off-balance. They habitually invalidate others’ thoughts, feelings, and priorities, showing little remorse for causing people in their lives pain. They often blame their victims for having caused their own victimization (“You wouldn’t get yelled at if you weren’t so stupid!”).

In addition, many narcissists and gaslighters have unpredictable mood swings and are prone to emotional drama — you never know what might displease them and set them off. They become upset at any signs of independence and self-affirmation (“Who do you think you are!?”). They turn agitated if you disagree with their views or fail to meet their expectations. As mentioned earlier, they are sensitive to criticism, but quick to judge others. By keeping you down and making you feel inferior, they boost their fragile ego, and feel more reassured about themselves.

Sure she will provoke some kind of fight to make me look like an A*ole (as the tune by Beck goes)

Sit away from her and don't engage with her.

[gzabetas]

Thanks unchien and AS, I needed to hear that.

Cant tell if its narcissism, will look into it. I know the meaning of the greek word to fall in love with ones image.
Dont know the details. Alot of what you quoted AS sounds true.

She was definitely not like this before. Whatever crack occurred in her psyche (all that childhood drama - parents neglect) that resurfaced when she found out about her father's second family, took about a year inside her to brew and exploded at me (the new father figure, we have 20 years age diff.)

Then she created a story of me, stringing 5-6 events where I dropped the ball (forgot valentines day once etc) and she is sticking to it. It justified her affair I guess.

I love a quote I read here on this forum once. "Behind all their actions is Depression, a long standing one. Always is"

So I could see her cracking pre- BD. She was claiming loss of identity. Making raving accusations that she was gonna f*k us all (her parents as well). Night cries, migraines. She probably still has them.
Her inability to cope with all this, causes her to lash out at me.

So I have a cracked ex-wife, going out there as a free agent spewing untruths about me.


I am closing with a happy note for all fathers left behind spouses by their MLC/WAW wives.

Today at our 4 year old son's school play, the ex and her mother (in loud colors and makeup) where in the first row clapping for my boy.
I was all the way in the back to not interact with them.
When the children finished and received their gift bag for the summer, all kids returned to their parents.

My boy ran passed his mother and gramma, having spotted me and rushed to hug me.
He broke away from them and had his eyes fixed on me. I needed that vote of approval today.
I am crying even as I write this. What a positive note for my day!!

[neffer]

Sure man! You got all what you needed there!

Great Gz, great.

[SteveLW]

g, likely her post D life isn't living up to the fantasy it was in her head. And she is lashing out in frustration at that. At this point, it isn't about you. You are her history. Since she is unhappy with her present she has to drag up her history to make her feel better about her situation.

Just keep DBing!