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A Message from Michele
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Re: Last stages of divorce [Re: Hamburg] #2848952
05/12/19 08:44 PM
05/12/19 08:44 PM
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Gerda Offline
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Remember, Hamburg, believe none of what she says and very little of what she does. You are so early in this thing. I assure you that that relationship she says that about is counterfeit. She even sounds like a silly little teenager in what she is saying about it.

You may not want to wait it out, you may not want to get over how much she hurt you in this time, but nothing of what she is saying or doing should be taken at face value. The effects of it are devastating to your life and your kids' lives, and you have to deal with that and pick up the pieces, but there is no real truth to it, in terms of lasting Truth with a capital T. All that she told you about remorse and all that stuff, well, that is amazing. Hold on to that. No expectations but keep it in a little box in your heart. Many of us have never gotten those words.

As far as the nurses wanting the doctors -- I have to say, what I meant has nothing to do with gold diggers. I am not talking about that. I can't imagine any rock solid woman, rich or poor, gold-digging or not, who would be ready to start a serious relationship with a man as recently separated as you are. I have no idea about the gold digging aspect of things but I think that's irrelevant from your perspective (though perhaps not from the nurses' perspectives). I'm only saying how I feel as a woman imagining how hard it would be to be married to a man who was getting that kind of attention every single day at work, especially if I felt he was neglecting the family by working such long hours. I carry myself at work in a way that shows a very closed door to that kind of attention and no one gives that to me. I carry myself a bit differently in other contexts lately and I get a lot of attention, about which I feel very guilty though I enjoy it in the moment, so I very clearly see the difference in terms of what I am inviting and legitimizing by how receptive I am. Her MLC is not your fault in any way but I would just encourage you to really think about that for whoever you end up with later. Most of all I am always so impressed by your kindness and openness and what a great dad you seem to be. In this one area I could really imagine how your W might have felt if she were just a regular woman and not losing her mind because of MLC.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Last stages of divorce [Re: Hamburg] #2849639
05/17/19 06:06 PM
05/17/19 06:06 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 237
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Hamburg Offline OP
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So the raw emotional stuff lasted a few days. Now things are back to occasional jokes and day to day stuff. There was a point she told me to stop that kind of stuff but now is reciprocating.

Had PreK graduation this morning. She was late (of course) and chose to sit next to me. She tried to make small talk, I just looked forward, avoiding eye contact and answered a few questions. She had something for me afterwards and wanted me to come to her car to get it, I declined. We exchanged kids bags later in the day and she wanted to stay around and talk, but I left. I can't let myself get involved as a friend at this time.

She has one week left in the home of our dreams, something I worked for years to obtain. Her garage sale is tomorrow and she is selling some family heirloom furniture and glassware. I offered to buy but she declined to let me. I feel she will regret it one day.

I have the kids this weekend. We have another action packed weekend in the making, as long as weather cooperates. And have another birthday soon so I will be planning that myself.

Re: Last stages of divorce [Re: Hamburg] #2851369
06/01/19 08:04 PM
06/01/19 08:04 PM
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Hamburg Offline OP
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Update. Had a few blowouts over the past couple of weeks. It seems her projection has taken new heights.

She and kids moved out. They went from a large home to a small home with 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom. At least it is in a safe area. I have been out for 6 months.

The house closed without any problems and I am debt free. It's an amazing feeling.

Now we negotiate final decree via our attorneys. Hopefully will be done by the end of the week. If that fails there is a formal mediation in 2 weeks.

Kids are doing well and out for summer. I have a fun time planned but W encouraged me not to do anything extravagant with the kids, as it creates false expectations. Whatever that means....

Re: Last stages of divorce [Re: Hamburg] #2851390
06/02/19 11:37 AM
06/02/19 11:37 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,421
Southern Maryland
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Glad the house closed w/o any problems. Yes, it is an amazing feeling when you become debt free. You can rest easier knowing that your children are in a safe area and are now relocated into another home. I hope it's close to where you are living.

Enjoy your summer w/your children. I know that you will have plenty of activities planned for them.

Good luck w/the final decree.

Re: Last stages of divorce [Re: Hamburg] #2851890
06/06/19 01:38 AM
06/06/19 01:38 AM
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Hamburg Offline OP
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Supposed to start negotiating final decree via lawyers today. My L calls and says W got new representation. Word is, W was tired of the non responsiveness of old L. She put up with it for 9 months and now suddenly changes? I cannot help but think this is a stalling technique. Her new L practices in 3 areas of law, and does not focus solely on family law. And this is someone who was so ready to end it all quickly.

Re: Last stages of divorce [Re: Hamburg] #2851913
06/06/19 10:45 AM
06/06/19 10:45 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,421
Southern Maryland
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It could very well be a stall tactic, but my money is on the lawyer advising her to get someone else to represent her. Lawyers get fed up w/MLCers who can't make up their minds and won't/don't listen to their advice.

My xh did the same thing at the very end, just before finalizing the decree. My lawyer continued to move forward and we didn't lose much time until our day in court.

Continue moving forward as much as you can w/this latest development.

Re: Last stages of divorce [Re: Hamburg] #2851986
06/06/19 05:23 PM
06/06/19 05:23 PM
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Or sometimes they change lawyers if the lawyer isn't telling them what they want to hear. MLCers often have very unreasonable expectations about the financial outcomes of divorce and a good lawyer will tell them when they're being unreasonable.

Re: Last stages of divorce [Re: Hamburg] #2852693
06/12/19 04:12 PM
06/12/19 04:12 PM
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Hamburg Offline OP
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Well, it appears to be a stall tactic. She found herself a shyster who is pulling all the stops.......irrationally. She wants completely unreasonable terms and now will ask for more temporary support, and stalling formal mediation. I think this may end up in court. Almost one year later we are no closer to the end.

Re: Last stages of divorce [Re: Hamburg] #2852775
06/13/19 02:55 AM
06/13/19 02:55 AM
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DnJ Offline
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Hello Hamburg

I am following along, reading the updates and watching the turns and twists.

You are doing amazingly well, and sound really good. Grounded, stable. Oh and debt free. Yay!

Ws latest stall tactic, the lawyer change, is another twist in the path. Keep taking them in stride, your doing fine.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S20 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Last stages of divorce [Re: Hamburg] #2852893
06/13/19 09:19 PM
06/13/19 09:19 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 237
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Hamburg Offline OP
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IT'S OVER!!!!!!

met for mediation this am. It was an uphill battle but after some work, we finalized the D.

She initially held out on the custody but in the end I got the 50/50 I wanted. Had to pay a large lump some of cash but totally worth it! It cost less than going to court and risking NOT getting 50/50.

It's bittersweet but a huge burden has been lifted from me.

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