I am on mobile so this will be short but will respond more later.
What struck me in your response was that I need to focus on what is best for me. Sharing my feelings? Only if it helps the MR.
And as far as verifying my W’s intentions? I already know. Doing this ahead of time feels like a ploy to alleviate my anxiety. Sure I could cancel but as others have pointed out this may result in W involving the L right away.
What is best for me and my kids? My goal here is to get clarity on my MR (most likely W asking for D) and then move forward with what I need to do to pick up the pieces and move on with my life. In that sense, given my W hasn’t talked to me about anything important in months, I feel like the right choice is to stay quiet and go see this D specialist MC.
U, I would still cancel. You seem 99% sure you're going to get BD'd, why let her do it on her terms. Throw her off the game and cancel MC. Do you really, REALLY want two people ganging up on you? Screw that. If she wants to BD you then fine, she can do it in a place YOU are comfortable with on YOUR schedule. Plus like you said, canceling is the alpha thing to do and it's time to start exerting some alpha moves on her.
The MC told me (unethically) over the phone he thought we would end up D'd. My W clearly wants it. But I also want some clarify on out sitch so we can move on.
I have thought about texting my W (remember, R talk is shut down by her) that I find it strange that the MC predicted the outcome of our MR before meeting with us.
Sorry everyone this is going to be more of a vent post. I am cycling.
Since March I've been expecting a BD. I saw evidence of my W being unhappy, then had the freak out "pull over the car" and then "write a bunch of letters" incidents. I'm not even sure those things made my sitch worse or the same. Now it's June and we're going to a D specialist to start MC. It's so frustrating. I want to call it off. I want to call out the MC for being unethical for predicting the outcome of my MR before a single session. I want to call out my W for hiding and being sneaky and lying to me and taking my kids on trips while I travel for work.
And yes, I admittedly am still frustrated that my W did not give me a chance to explain. I want to tell her WHY I pulled over on the side of the road. She hasn't even given me that opening. Instead she built up these walls where we can only communicate in front of D specialists apparently. That she won't give me any clarity on our future. That I'm not even sure if I'm joining her with the kids on a trip to my in-laws in 2 weeks for July 4th. I feel patronized. I feel used. I feel discarded.
I feel like she thinks I'm gullible. As if I don't already know what she's going to do. It's insulting. She treats me like a mental patient and not the person she used to love. It's worse than just her falling out of love. She treats me like I'm some emotionally inferior person.
It's a lot of complex emotions. I'm angry, I'm hurt. She's defining every step of our lives right now. It [censored].
And yet... I feel like the move here is to suck it up, wait 2 more days, go to MC on Wednesday, receive the BD calmly, say it's not what I want, but I won't stand in your way, ask for a couple reasons why, and then start moving on with my life. I can't stop the BD, and I can't stop the D.
U - sounds like you know with a great degree of certainty what's going to happen during MC. I have to agree with LH and AS on this - cancel the MC. This will be the alpha move (AS), and you're not making this easy on her (LH). My W had massive communication issues, and she still does. Let your W have the ball$ to come out and say it. If she goes straight to L, so what? Isn't that her next stop after the MC anyways? You just circumvented the first stop so she gets her act together and goes to the actual outcome rather than beating around the bush.
I think you're holding out a small ray of hope that during MC she'll actually say something about working on the MR. For someone who has communication issues, this is not how they would go about it. Also, if she wanted to work on the MR, the signs would be way more straightforward where you wouldn't have to play guessing games.
I know you're suffering and this limbo status is hurting you. It's time you took control of the situation rather than wait for whatever she's dishing out. Take some agency and control back. She hasn't created an opening for you to discuss the car incident and other things. You say that she's afraid of you. I don't think you can remedy that in the short term. Those are her issues and she has to get counseling for that. Your explanations for your behaviour are not going to explain away or dissipate her feelings of what happened. Best to do a turn around on those things. You acted out of desperation and it was misunderstood. The exact opposite of that is to act out of certainty and live your life.
Do what you feel is best, but I think going to MC is just another check mark off her list. I'd rather see you go as dark as possible on her, GAL, improve your personal life and engage in growth activities, live your life and give her tons of space and time. All whilst with a positive and confident attitude. I know it's not easy to pull it off, but it will come with practice and action.
I am sorry U but the truth is she cannot be more clear on what she thinks your future is. If there was any doubt the MC has confirmed it. I am really sorry you are in this situation but you need to accept this is what she wants. She may change her mind in the future but this is what she wants and the sooner you accept it the better for you.
Originally Posted by unchien
I'm angry, I'm hurt. She's defining every step of our lives right now. It [censored].
I have been there and I am still there and it [censored]. But you cannot control what you cannot control
U, I would still cancel. You seem 99% sure you're going to get BD'd, why let her do it on her terms. Throw her off the game and cancel MC. Do you really, REALLY want two people ganging up on you? Screw that. If she wants to BD you then fine, she can do it in a place YOU are comfortable with on YOUR schedule. Plus like you said, canceling is the alpha thing to do and it's time to start exerting some alpha moves on her.
THIS ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Times infinity.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The MC told me (unethically) over the phone he thought we would end up D'd. My W clearly wants it. But I also want some clarify on out sitch so we can move on.
I have thought about texting my W (remember, R talk is shut down by her) that I find it strange that the MC predicted the outcome of our MR before meeting with us.
This isn't just beta thinking....this is omega thinking!!
"But I also want some clarify on out sitch so we can move on."
You need MC for that? And I think you will be grossly disappointed on this front. Being ready to move on is on YOU and has nothing to do with her. You need IC not MC. MC at this point is fruitless. She isn't going in there to be open and honest and forthcoming. She is going in there to manipulate, get what she wants, and then be able to say "But we tried everything including MC!!"
Cancel MC. Take AS's advice. AS helped me so much through my stich. I ended up Ring, but even if we hadn't, I would have been in a healthy place thanks to AS's advice.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think you're holding out a small ray of hope that during MC she'll actually say something about working on the MR. For someone who has communication issues, this is not how they would go about it. Also, if she wanted to work on the MR, the signs would be way more straightforward where you wouldn't have to play guessing games.
Maika - I honestly have zero hope now. Maybe it doesn't come across in my posts. I expect a D filing and then we will see how things play out. I'm getting myself prepared.
Originally Posted by Maika
Do what you feel is best, but I think going to MC is just another check mark off her list. I'd rather see you go as dark as possible on her, GAL, improve your personal life and engage in growth activities, live your life and give her tons of space and time. All whilst with a positive and confident attitude. I know it's not easy to pull it off, but it will come with practice and action.
What is really upsetting me is that this is mediation disguised as "MC".
I am guilty of always thinking what my W is thinking, and not what I want. But...I don't even think MC is a check mark on her list. It is a "safe space" to tell me the news. I can choose MC as the backdrop, or choose to be served. It's a fact. She is too afraid for whatever reason to just tell me at a coffee shop or 1:1.
Originally Posted by MLCxH
I am sorry U but the truth is she cannot be more clear on what she thinks your future is. If there was any doubt the MC has confirmed it. I am really sorry you are in this situation but you need to accept this is what she wants. She may change her mind in the future but this is what she wants and the sooner you accept it the better for you.
I accept it. Now it's onto the next steps in the D process, all while DB'ing the best I can for MYSELF. I have dropped the rope.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
U, I would still cancel. You seem 99% sure you're going to get BD'd, why let her do it on her terms. Throw her off the game and cancel MC. Do you really, REALLY want two people ganging up on you? Screw that. If she wants to BD you then fine, she can do it in a place YOU are comfortable with on YOUR schedule. Plus like you said, canceling is the alpha thing to do and it's time to start exerting some alpha moves on her.
AS - I am really waffling on this.
I can't dictate the place and time where she BD's me. Of course I can keep avoiding certain situations. Eventually I would get papers handed to me. I'm not hoping for recon before BD. It's just not going to happen. I know this.
I don't think this MC guy will gang up on me. He's supposed to be neutral. Obviously I would walk out if I felt it was one-sided. He said he thought we would end up D'ed based on what I was telling him, not my W.
What bothers me is going to someone under the guise of it being "MC" and then transitioning to mediation. That changes the whole dynamic. And it's not the MC's fault -- it's my W being dishonest about her intentions. It is truly dishonest.
Either way, I would not BEGIN mediation (with a fresh person) without first clearly receiving the communication that my W wants a D.
Originally Posted by Steve85
"But I also want some clarify on out sitch so we can move on."
You need MC for that? And I think you will be grossly disappointed on this front. Being ready to move on is on YOU and has nothing to do with her. You need IC not MC. MC at this point is fruitless. She isn't going in there to be open and honest and forthcoming. She is going in there to manipulate, get what she wants, and then be able to say "But we tried everything including MC!!"
Cancel MC. Take AS's advice. AS helped me so much through my stich. I ended up Ring, but even if we hadn't, I would have been in a healthy place thanks to AS's advice.
Steve85 - You are right, I already have clarity. We are not going to "MC". We are going to "BD facilitation". That is fully understood. BTW I do go to IC and it's been great.
At this point in my sitch, I want the best outcome for me and my kids. That is my mindset. R'ing is not going to happen in my sitch. It's ok.
I haven't decided yet what to do. I still have another day, this is maddening because I am very on the fence about just going to this guy, getting the BD, and then firing him; or just firing him now. I kind of like the first option as he's clearly my W's hand-selected "guy to help us through mediation". Mediation is about working together -- not one person driving the bus. This process will not be about my W controlling things. I will fight for what I think is best for me and my kids.
