Really, I hear him on some things . I surely validated and I’m pretty much going according to his needs. I am going to make sure they work for me too. I know it’s tough for him feeling like he has to prove himself as a perfect parent all the time. Parenting is hot button issues for both of us I think. Anyone questions me not putting my kid first, I’ll put you right in place. And he has a need to be a perfect parent . And I am imperfect. We do appreciate we live very different lives with our kids.
What it boils down to, if I want to stay in this R ( which I do) , I’ve got to live with being able to see him once or twice a month, certain days off limits and no last minute plans. No grabbing a bite with my guy when there is tome.
And my friends had called me after he turned me down and the 3 of us were actually free and we grabbed dinner .
We just live different lives I guess. I have been used to running on empty for years and it’s my norm. We discussed that too.
Sorry G.....differences will come up no doubt. Do you feel that he is vested and that the both of you are working together to make things better, get on the same page and work through the challenges? I think that is most important that you feel like he is a partner.
I totally agree with what J9 said. You need to feel like he's a true partner and that y'all are in it together, working together to have the best relationship that you can. You say you are listening/hearing him, but that you are pretty much going according to his needs. You have different needs and like J9 said, that happens. It happens because y'all are not the same person and differences are not necessarily a bad thing. What IS a bad thing, though, is when one's needs become more important than the others. He seems like a good guy and I'm not advocating that you ditch him, but I am advocating taking a serious, hard look at whether this is sustainable for you or if it will continue to bother you until it slowly starts to breed resentment and you grow to be angry and hurt that you can't grab and unplanned bite at the last minute or have time on Sunday or whatever.
The parenting thing adds a whole other dimension as well. He has one style and you have a different style. Is there a way to see each other's view here or are you both pretty much doing your own thing? I mean, yes, y'all are in a committed relationship, but you are not parenting together yet, so can you see yourself parenting with him? Can you see him in a parental role with your D? There is a lot of talk on these boards about step-parenting and maybe I have a different mindset on it since I have only ever been a step-parent and never a biological parent but there is lots of stuff to navigate that y'all would have to work together on if you were married. Can you see yourself getting there or will you always look at it as though he has to be a perfect parent? I am not sure why he thinks he has to be perfect or if he can sustain that for a long period because there is NOTHING about parenting that is perfect, but I guess he will have to find that out for himself.
I'm rooting for you and M because he seems like a nice, normal, decent guy based on the things you say. You seem to really care for him and I think he really cares for you too, again based on what you tell us, but you'll have to decide if the differences are things you can live with. I urge you to NOT settle. If your needs aren't being met, keep telling him that until he HEARS you. He may be listening, but is he hearing what you are saying? Hang in there, G, and try to have a good, fun, relaxing weekend.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
My heart goes out to you cause this is what I went through with my ex husband (m is not like my ex - just this was our main issue cause my LL is also time spent). With my ex, I found hobbies - but I always felt lonely. Even before my son was born. I remember taking an Israeli combat fighting class after work with all these hot guys and going home and still waiting for my ex husband to show up. In hind site I wish I had not been such a devoted puppy to my ex cause look what it got me. I felt so disconnected, I would fantasize about other guys a lot. That should have been a sign. When my son was born My parents would question, why was I calling them up to go places with instead of going out with my husband.
If you think this is gonna be a problem nip it in the bud cause it’s not a fun way to live.
You know, it also sounds like he just doesn't do "spontaneous ". CMM is a bit like that, it rattles him if I come up with a sudden change of plans or a spontaneous visit from a friend. Some people are like that, they're like a slow-moving oil tanker and they need a lot of advanced warning to change directions.
Is it possible, too, that he's not that sexually motivated? Seems to me that a young healthy man might normally be trying to see you more than twice a week just to -well - have sex more than twice a week. Do you find yourself initiating that too?
Do you have a clear idea of what would be satisfactory to you? You want every Wednesday night and Friday night through Sunday a.m. Every other weekend (the no kids weekend) with some kids-involved activity the weekend you have kids?
Can you plan a regular Sunday SOCIAL activity with girlfriends to get you extrovert needs met? If you're doing things alone you're pisssd he's not there, but what if that was Bunco night with your girlfriends?
You really pointed out what’s on my mind and what my concerns are. Dawn, we really do love each other and insure hope we make it. But we aren’t going to make it by me bottling up feelings or just doing what makes him feel happy. I want to work together to find a balance. I heard him, I’m going to hope that when he seems me respect his desires, maybe he will be more apt to come around and want to do the same for me.
As far as parenting, we parent 2 different creatures under two different situations . I don’t know how much of a conflict that would be while stepparebting. The way I would approach it is respecting how he does it and be the same towards his son. I would hope he could do the same with me.
KML, you brought up a point that I discussed with my friend. I felt less than desirable because he pretty said if I set my mind to go to bed early or tinker with my truck, I can’t change my mind into doing something different like seeing you. And here I am, like WTF? You would think any guy would drop his 8pm bedtime to go have sex with his GF he doesn’t see all that much. Him telling me this makes me feel less than desirable. It’s not like he has to cross mountain to do it either. We live 15 min from each other. I would drop an early bedtime to just cuddle with him. Our sex life is very good. It’ll be twice when we see each other and he certainly initiates but I don’t feel all that desirable when he chooses his mindset ( which isn’t big huge plans, it’s sleep) over having sex with me. He has zero ED problems. Those sundays, he literally turned down steak and BJ’s . Who does that?!?
It’s not a matter of meeting my extrovert needs. I need recharge time too. I do well on my own. It’s more about time with him than time with just anyone. For 2 people who don’t get much time together, seeing a perfectly beautiful Sunday totally spent a part kills me. And I’m not saying spend the whole day with me. Come and chill on my deck while I grill us some dinner. Then let’s have sex! Feel free to go home to sleep too.
And I’ll tell you the truth. Sunday is notoriously family day. My friends are busy with their families. My two backyard neighbors who I know very well ( D11’s Bff) and her other schoolmates) both have pools, and I can see and here them grilling family dinner and play in the pool on a nice Sunday. It would be nice if the guy who sees me for someone as someone for the long run would find it JOYFUL to do so with me, instead of an inconvenience. I just don’t understand what he’s planning for the future here. Am i a side coponent, or am I going to be an actual part of it as a partner?
We had our movie night and when we showed up how son came running up to us all excitedly. He and D11 went off to play in the sand. M didn’t avoid me like the plague, but no hug or kiss hello. He would get close, but no touching. And we needed up sitting completely apart the whole movie. He did p!ss me off once because he butted in my parenting again. But I think he was just trying to play good cop and get D11 on his side which was fine. When we left we just went to our separate cars. Again, no real goodbye . Then surprised me after he buckled his son in the car, he walked over to mine and gave me kisses and hugs. Son out of sight of course, unless he saw through the window. Getting there I guess.
This is hard. His heart and soul are pure. I think if we can work together this will continue to grow and blossom and last a long long time.
Last edited by job; 06/08/1901:02 PM. Reason: edited a word
One advantage of taking things slower than I have is that you have had the opportunity to learn more about how each other "is" on a day to day basis. M is certainly one of the best catches that you've had from the limited outside view that we have but certainly flawed. You are also quite the catch but also flawed in your own way. We all are.
I like to believe that given time that people will indeed show you who they are through their consistent actions. I expect that the M you are seeing is the person that he is. Devoted to the idea of being a perfect father to his son. An introvert who prioritizes his own time and hobbies over catering to his GF's wants and needs.
How much of this is the cause of a dysfunctional former marriage is open to debate. More importantly I would presume that he's not changing at this point.
Looking deep in to my cracked crystal ball, I can see this being a consistent relationship pattern for some time to come. You both have your own houses and lives. He's not big in to the whole PDA thing especially around his son. You two are doing the "living together apart" that many like and from M's side of the fence it's probably working for him even if it does take a fair bit of effort - and yes - I know you'll disagree with that last bit.
You want more. Much more. I get that. Perhaps he does too. I can't know. I could also be completely wrong here.
You also know better than most what sort of guys are out there in the dating pool. You got a good one. Not a perfect match certainly. But you need to decide - is he good enough. This may taste like a 2x4 and I'm going to use a harsh word - but are you willing to "settle" for this?
On the other hand, it's a glorious sunshine filled Saturday here and I hope there. A good day to eat ice cream.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I don’t want him to cater to my wants and needs. I want him to meet me half way! He is certainly by far the best catch I’ve had. He also expresses I might be the best he’s had. We are both certainly flawed as we are human. I love his flaws too.
He is actually big into PDA. Which is why I think it bothers me that he can’t just hug me hello when his son is around. I do believe he is slowly coming around to that. It’s going to be a huge slow go for sure. Which is fine.
I know he is worth it and we are worth it as a couple. I just can’t go back to a place where I just concede to my partners needs without mine being considered at all. That simply breeds resentment . Resentment is kind of what killed most of the marriages here. It was most definitely one of the causes of death of mine.
Today is a beautiful day out here too and we are going to visit my friend at her new huge house with an inground pool. Should be a great day!
I forgot to mention . A 25 year old PCT at work definitely has a crush on me and I think he asked me out. He’s a very sweet guy, knows how to treat a woman, and will one day make a great husband to some lucky woman. It’s flattering, but I’m in love with another man, and well, I could be his momma, lol. It’s nice to know young guys find me attractive though.
