Happy belated birthday! Sounds like you had a pretty good one. My heart really goes out to you on some of your most recent posts related to M because I do believe that you both love each other, but I also think that there are still some things that y'all have to learn to navigate as a team. I totally understand your side of the deal because I have a similar situation. I think you need to just learn to have more confidence in yourself and the person you are and what you bring to the table in your relationship. You are a strong, confident, kick-a$$ woman, but your past relationships have left you with this uncertainty about relationships as a whole. Though M doesn't necessarily speak your love language, the language he is speaking speaks volumes at least from the outside looking in. He does nice things for you all the time and then he bought you a lovely birthday gift that showed that he does, in fact, listen and pay attention to your desires. I wish there was a way that we could help you realize that his need for downtime on Sunday really has nothing to do with you. I think you know that intellectually, but emotionally you have a difficult time with it and see it as a slight when it honestly has absolutely nothing to do with you. You said something a few posts back and you called Sunday "off limits" and I felt so bad for you when I read that because it made me realize how much you internalize what he's doing and saying, when it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Someone (maybe kml) said that you should use that time to do things for yourself: hang out with friends, have a mani/pedi, do something fun with D11. There are so many things that you could do while he's having his "me" time, but whatever you do, please do NOT think that his need for me time is about NOT wanting time with you. As an introvert, he needs that time to recharge. I get it and I know it is hard for people to understand and not take personally.
You've got a good thing going with M, G, so just relax and enjoy it. And, by all means, keep learning about each other and having fun and talking about stuff. Communication is absolutely key to a successful relationship.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Thanks, dawn! We really do love each other. And I think we are both learning how to love again. I know it seems as if I take his not wanting to spend sundays with me as a personal attack. I really don’t. I just hate it. Because even though he has his recharge needs as an introvert, I have my needs where I don’t see him much at all and would like to see him on a Sunday. So we will have to compromise on this one. There is a need from both of us in this witch, and I don’t think only his should get served. But I do have plenty to do on my own. I took up reading again, sat by the pool and got tan, then had dinner with cousin. I also have endless cleaning and yard work, yoga or cycling classes to take, etc. no lack of filling my time independently. I just want to have more us time together.
I didn’t ask him to do anything yet on our normal Wednesday, but I thought I would wait to see if he initiated. We are doing an activity with the kids on Friday.
My dad called to tell me he really likes him. He said he is the polar opposite of my ex and that’s a big reason why he really likes him, lol. He said D11 came and whispered in his ear to ask if he liked him. She was glad he did, because she does too.
We do have a good thing going. We are both learning to communicate our needs and learning how to meet them.
9 months in and we’ve done the kids friends and family meetings. We will have a “family” vacation together. I am honestly nowhere near moving in together yet. But I do hope for it one day. Time will tell but I’m certainly in no rush
I'm so glad that things are going well for you Ginger. I totally agree when you say that this may be the first healthy, well you say real, I say healthy, R you've been in. I think that's the case. I think it's going well but I fear you are perhaps wanting more than he can give. Or is it you want a healthy amount of time together and he wants less? I see so much of myself in him - at least myself 20 years ago. I had met my ex and I swear if she could have spent every waking minute with me she would have. Maybe that's the healthy thing and it's me that could not do it - I just don't think so. I just remember thinking that rather than her enjoying and focusing on the time we did spend together, she focused on the time we didn't. Then I read some of the things you write:
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I was a little upset because he didn’t say happy birthday to me this morning. I had to pretty much point it out.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I haven’t even heard from him since 3pm. (said 5 hours later)
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I didn’t ask him to do anything yet on our normal Wednesday, but I thought I would wait to see if he initiated. We are doing an activity with the kids on Friday.
I also remember reading how you guys spent a bunch of time together doing all sorts of things, meeting people, kayaking, seeing an air show, yet it still was not enough. It seems like you get something in your head that he is supposed to be doing. like didn't say happy birthday first thing. Didn't call or text for, gasp, five whole hours. How much would be enough? If you seem him on Wednesday, hang out Friday, sees you all day Sunday, sleeps over (I'm assuming) but then didn't stay Sunday so rather than focus on the fact that you were together more often than not for nearly 4 days straight, that's not enough, he needs to give you all of Sunday as well - or you're seeing him this Friday but he needs to see you Wednesday as well. What's that about? How much time would you want to spend with him if nothing else got in the way - every day? 5 times a week? 2 or 3?
I'm glad you are reading the John Gray Mars & Venus book. I think it might really help you to understand men - especially men like M. I just don't want to see you scare or chase him away by focusing on what you're not getting rather than on what you are. I also don't want to see you remain silent about things that really bother you - I'm just not sure if some of these things should bother you and if they do, why? That's the guy's perspective - at least this guy's but something tells me M may see it much like I do.
Something tells me that M is paying for all of these other guys that didn't pay as much attention to you as you hoped for. Am I making sense in all of this? I'm not saying you are wrong, I'm just saying I can totally see M's side and if I'm correct about it all, it has zero to do with how he feels about YOU and all to do with who HE is.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
We see each other Wednesday night and one weekend night. He will sleep over but leave early after coffee.
I am seeing him Friday, yes. On kid time. And I work and it’s Father’s Day on our next non kid weekend. So that’s shot.
We see each other twice a week. And yes. That isn’t enough for me. And there is nothing wrong with that. I am allowed to feel that way. Quality time is my LL and 2 days a week is not how I want a LTR. Why is his need for less tome ok, but my need for more time is not?
And , he did say we didn’t get to spend much time together. And of course, in the beginning he wanted to spend as much time as he could.
We might just have a problem is we can’t jive on time spent. And I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. And I’m not looking for him to concede to me, just compromise with me. And yes, I would want 3-4 days a week, depending on kid/non-kid situation and commitments etc. that’s what I would like. And I am surely willing to compromise .
And no. M is absolutely not “paying” for attention that other guys didn’t give me. That’s kind of insulting. I am not asking for “attention” I genuinely enjoy spending time with him. And well, if that makes me a selfish girlfriend, I don’t even know what to say.
Girl you're just not understanding what it's like for introverts. With planning, you can get your extrovert needs met on Sundays by planning fun stuff with your friends. But if he gives up his Sundays to you, where does he get his introvert needs met?
Yes, you should speak up about your needs. But the reality of being two single parents still early in a relationship are that two days a week together is probably doing pretty good. Be patient.
I'm not sure what I've got wrong, although I am frustrated with my lack of ability to communicate as well as I used to be able to and expect myself to. So I may not be as clear about some things as I hoped I was. For sure I'm not saying you are selfish. I'm also not saying you should not voice your needs, etc. I'm really on your side here and I don't think you are being unreasonable per say.
What I guess jumps out at me is your comment that your love language is quality time. From all you have said, it appears you are very happy with the quality of time the two of you spend together. I don't think you've ever had a complaint about the quality. In some ways it seems like you guys have an amazing time together. But the LL is QUALITY time where your complain is the QUANTITY of time. That's very different. There is no love language called Quantity time, though certainly it is a valid factor. But, from what I can see, and all you have told us, you are getting your QUALITY TIME LL met - you just want more of it - at least double of it. I'm not even saying that is wrong to want but what I am saying is M might not be able to give it to you - at least not right now - and not double what he is doing.
It's also interesting that you say early on he wanted to spend as much time as he could. Do you sense that has changed? It almost seems like it has? If so I think that fits with not showing effect ion in front of the kids, wanting to his lake meetings and alone time, even going on vacation himself, etc. This may be who he is - or it may be more.
All I can do is try to give you my perspective and put myself in M's shoes. And from that viewpoint, I know if pushed for double the time, when I'm clearly showing I can't, won't or would rather not, pushing won't make it better. That doesn't mean you should not express your feelings. However, many of us here seem to get very hung up on DBing being all about the "Last Resort" technique, since most of us here had to use it. However, there is so much more to the book including doing what works and stopping what does not. From my perspective the way to get M to want more might be doing just what KML says - doing things on your own. I don't think pushing him or getting upset and starting to resent him for his quantity of time will help you. I know if it were me and someone I was dating started wanting 4 days a week... wow, with a young child, somewhat still new out of D, an ex W still causing all sorts of grief, my other interests and my introverted side (yes I have one) it might not end well. I was in this exact sitch and it was always a source of conflict. Even worse, at least from my perspective, when she got the 4 days, that still wasn't enough - she always still wanted more. I'm not saying this is you, but let's at least not rule it out. Just try to remember you are getting quality time - for your LL. So why does is still not feel right?
I think you've got a good guy here. I also think that if you give him time he will come around more and want to be with you more, I really do. I just don't think he is there yet and by all that you have relayed to us, I think you sense this as well. I just don't at all think it means he's not invested and doesn't want to continue with you. I just think his pace is different and his needs are different. Is this a deal breaker for you? Because again, what you want is not unreasonable, that's not my point at all. What you want is not off the charts. It just may not be what he can give - at least not yet. I really hope that makes more sense.
From there I guess all I can do is just echo and reinforce what KML said:
Originally Posted by kml
Yes, you should speak up about your needs. But the reality of being two single parents still early in a relationship are that two days a week together is probably doing pretty good. Be patient.
You also don't want to lose things with family, friends with D11. As busy as you are, a new homeowner with lots of work to do, etc. two days a week might not really be that bad. Fill in the other days with everyone else in your life and see if M doesn't start missing you more.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
All I’m saying is that I understand he has his needs in the relationship and I have mine. And I don’t think one persons needs are more important to the other. his introvert needs can be served and my need with time with him both can be served.
Truth, my needs in a relationship have been irrelevant in every other relationship. I don’t want that to happen again. I am done with that. I am not going to demand I get what I want either because that’s not me. I think there are ways to compromise and I’m sure we will find them .
I do have a great guy. And he has a great woman. We love and appreciate each other and I’m sure we will find common ground by equally expressing our needs and coming up with a compromise
I took a big step. I posted a picture of us to my IG story. I didn’t want to because I look so fat, but at least disappears in 24 hours. He immediately reacted to my IG story with heart eyes emojis. I guess that’s a good thing.
We are not spending our usual Wednesday night together. Long story I don’t want to get into. But at least I was able to do that.
We’ve been following each other since we were dating for 2 weeks. His initiation. We just never posted anything of each other. We don’t really have any pictures of each other . We took like 2 selfies. My stepmother took this picture, she asked us to take one. He only posts pictures of him and his son. I did add one of him and his son on my story when we went away together. I imagine we will have more when we are on vacation. I pretty much hate pictures of myself right now, so a part of this was getting over myself and the way I look.
Speaking of social media, I found out the husband of someone I went to high school with died suddenly of cardiac arrest last night. They just announced the pregnancy of their 3rd child. They have 2 little boys already and custody of 2 of his 3 kids from his first marriage. I saw her a few years ago when we did a mini get together of people from high school. It is absolutely heart breaking, I can’t even begin to imagine. She’s a SAHM too. Life can truly change in the blink of an eye
