Dilly 2.1 part 5

[AlisonUK]

I think the hardest thing about our situations is that, with a little perspective, we can see the H perhaps a little more clearly than he sees himself. Or at least we think we do. I am sure my H, if he was able to communicate in this way, would perhaps have similar things to say about me - the way I am hot and cold with him is confusing and upsetting to him, I know, but makes perfect sense to me! There's the sense from all of us, I think, that we could just SHAKE some sense into our H's. They're upset that they don't get what they want, but they refuse to say what that is. They feel lonely and abandoned, but they leave the family home and pour their hearts into work or drink or another woman. They wish they had affectionate and loving wives, but they're mean and critical and unpleasant, and decide that any attempts at affection in the face of that are manipulative. It's insane behaviour. I've done all of it myself, to be fair, and I bet he did want to shake me and tell me some home truths in the midst of it.

I'm really glad that you're looking to the future, Dilly. That's something I find so so difficult. Do you have any suggestions for me? I find it very hard to imagine or plan my life these days, and some days it feels totally paralysing (great word, 97Hope). I've alway been a planner and the time that H and I have spent together has been pretty carefully planned. We had joint goals. I think we still do, actually - the things we want for our lives and our family life are the same, as far as I know - we just don't seem to be in the same room as each other right now! It feels like my life's path has entirely disappeared and I'm just sitting here in the day, making sure the kids needs are fulfilled and I do enough work so I don't get in trouble. Most of my time goes into what I'd call 'healing' type activities - walking and resting and seeing friends and taking care of my kids and my house, reading, living quietly, managing my emotions. There's no forward direction or ambition any more.

There's a house that has come up for sale at the top of my street. For a few years now H and I have talked about looking for a slightly bigger house with more living space as the kids have grown and I work at home more and more, but not wanting to move out of our area, which is perfect for us in lots of ways. It's a lovely house. I can see us living there - despite everything I've said about him. It's a pipe dream. Don't worry, I am not going to buy it with him! But it's sad, because we could afford it and we should be jumping at the chance to get it - that was the future we wanted.

I have a promotion opportunity coming up at work and I should be using this quiet time to prepare for it and make an application, but I've done nothing about it and I am stuck. It would be nice to have more money and a slightly different type of work, but it would involve a little more travel. There's the potential, depending on all kinds of things, that I could take the promotion and reduce my hours without having a meaningful impact on my income. But that's the kind of decision a married woman makes after talking to her husband and thinking things through. After making a decision about whether they are going to buy the big house at the top of the road or not. After thinking about where they'd want to be in five year's time, and which secondary school they want to get Youngest into. I can't have conversations with anyone about that kind of thing any more, and the future years have just kind of... dissolved.

I can't even choose bloody garden furniture. It was always the plan to get some new stuff this summer, and I was going to do it on my own last weekend, and I couldn't bring myself to do it - even though I was angry with him and also planning to buy him out of the house. Maybe I need to get the furniture and take some small steps.

[dillydaf]

I think the hardest thing about our situations is that, with a little perspective, we can see the H perhaps a little more clearly than he sees himself. Or at least we think we do. I am sure my H, if he was able to communicate in this way, would perhaps have similar things to say about me - the way I am hot and cold with him is confusing and upsetting to him, I know, but makes perfect sense to me! There's the sense from all of us, I think, that we could just SHAKE some sense into our H's. They're upset that they don't get what they want, but they refuse to say what that is. They feel lonely and abandoned, but they leave the family home and pour their hearts into work or drink or another woman. They wish they had affectionate and loving wives, but they're mean and critical and unpleasant, and decide that any attempts at affection in the face of that are manipulative. It's insane behaviour. I've done all of it myself, to be fair, and I bet he did want to shake me and tell me some home truths in the midst of it.

They're upset that they don't get what they want, but they refuse to say what that is. Absolute nail on the head there!! Though they don't KNOW what they want, do they? All they know is that they're unhappy so it must be our fault somehow...But you're right, our hot and cold behaviour is probably as confusing as theirs is, we're both trying to guess what's going on in the other person's head, but they can't or won't tell us, and we are protecting ourselves by not telling them what's going on in our heads. Last night I almost sent a text saying I wasn't going to meet H for lunch any more. If he can't even prioritise me for one evening a week then I won't meet him. But I put my phone on plane mode and left the text there and then deleted it in the morning. It's pressure and wouldn't work. But I will tell him today that evening things work much better for me, it's a lot of disruption to my day to trek in to see him. I will also ask him for dates 2 weeks in advance, I have plans of my own and I don't want to be shoved into his leftover time around his work events which are not all important (some might be, but I know for a fact some aren't).

When we went out to dinner for ds1's birthday, we had to get up and leave in a hurry to catch a train. The look of abandonment on H's face was heartbreaking, he looked absolutely stricken. But he had the power to not be abandoned! He could have said 'hey, why don't you all stay at my flat tonight, save you getting the train home?' He abandoned US, not the other way round! Sigh. I haven't seen that look for a little while now, perhaps he's feeling less likely to be abandoned. Which is funny, because I STILL feel abandoned. Because I literally have been. I might be more at peace with it but it's actually a fact that H has physically abandoned us. Talking of his flat, I had a weird half dream this morning when I woke up. H was talking about something to do with his flat, and he called it 'our flat'. And I went 'huh' and then pretended it hadn't happened, because I couldn't work out who the 'our' bit was: me and him? Or me and someone else? Weird. I don't actually think he's having an A (well, not this week), but my subconscious clearly doesn't trust him.

Talking of trust, I have told him he can use my car this weekend. Half of me wants to say 'how would you feel if I parked my car far away, refused to let you see it and wouldn't let you drive it?'
I rearranged our lunch to today so I have more time to get ready to go away tomorrow. Plus it fits better with my GAL plans tonight.

I might respond to your other stuff on your thread if that's ok Alison, this turned into an essay!

[AlisonUK]

Sorry for making it all about me!! I just type and let my thoughts fall out sometimes.

I know just what you mean about the abandonment stuff though. H gets that look too sometimes - and it usually is a prologue to some angry behaviour. I've tried just putting my arms around him and saying 'I'm here, I'm your friend, I know everything is awful right now but you're not on your own,' and it just seems to get him angrier. I think whatever it is that your H and my H needs right now, it isn't in our power to provide.

Good luck with your lunch today. I think if you're feeling resentful about the time on offer, and how he prioritises you, then it is good to express that and ask for some changes. Perhaps you can imagine that your H isn't your H at all, and just some man you were dating. Would you carry on with the dates as they stand? Would you push back a bit and negotiate something that worked better for you?

I wish you a lovely lunch, excellent GAL and a great trip away.

[dillydaf]

Thank you Alison, what a kind thing to do for your H. Why are they so cruel?

Well we had a nice lunch, I ate lots because I was going out later and knew I'd miss dinner. I was chirpy and interested in what he had to say, validated the heck out of stuff he said (all work stuff, nothing personal, but then he has not much except work anyway right now). I had a really nice dress on and obviously red lipstick (not expensive stuff like yours, lol, just Boots stuff :)) He wished me a good trip away and we had a peck on the cheek and then I was a bit stupid and blew him a kiss. But actually, I do that to my friends all the time, I'm a very demonstrative person. It was more habit than anything. I probably do it to the local shopkeepers TBH. Then I went to find a pub to work in and chatted to a friend via Whatsapp (the one I'm meeting in Europe on Friday) and then I went off to a social group, I'd arranged to meet my new friend from the last one. There weren't many people there but that was quite nice, because we got to talk to most people there. They were a very varied, nice bunch and I had some interesting conversations. Unlike the last one, it didn't have a dating vibe, just people wanting to chat and meet new people. I got the number of another woman there and I've made vague arrangements to meet up with her and my other new friend. I chatted to a couple of men there and enjoyed that, nothing flirtatious or anything just nice to have male company. One chap was late 20s and he ended up pouring his heart out to me about how his girlfriend had left him saying she wanted to be single and he is devastated and can't sleep. As you can imagine, I empathised a lot I didn't discuss my H, just my kids a little bit. Practiced lots of validation, I will be an expert in it soon!
So that was an ok day. I think I felt like H was a bit distant, I preferred it when we used to hug goodbye but maybe I need to instigate that not him. I hug my friends goodbye but with him it seems to have turned into a peck on the cheek which is not very satisfying for me (might be all he could manage, he's never been tactile). I forgot to ask him about dinner instead of lunch but I texted him afterwards telling him which night I'm free next week and I'll let him know at some stage that evenings suit me better mostly.

Anyway, feeling relatively detached still, looking forward to my long weekend away immensely!

[97Hope]

Perhaps you can imagine that your H isn't your H at all, and just some man you were dating. Would you carry on with the dates as they stand? Would you push back a bit and negotiate something that worked better for you?

I completely agree with Alison on this. Try and think of how you would handle a friend who did this. That way it's not about keeping score, or holding things against your H (which he will pick up on) but just being honest with your boundaries etc. THEN, if he doesn't like it he can lump it because you aren't walking on eggshells, you just have things you are willing to do and things you aren't!

I'm happy for you that you have a great weekend planned !! have FUN!!! I so need to find something to do that doesn't make me feel exhausted before I leave

[dillydaf]

OK, so he texted this morning and said he couldn't make next Wednesday evening and was there another day. I said I'd been thinking about going to our other place Tuesday but could rearrange that to Wednesday and so I could see him Tuesday evening. He offered to meet for lunch Tuesday so I could then head off to our other place from there (trains are faster from the centre) but I said that I much preferred to meet in the eveningS (didn't capitalise the S but I think he got the message!). Meeting for lunch or quick drink would be nice as a BONUS meeting, but if it''s our only meeting of the week it feels like he's giving me scraps. Having said that, he's coming home quite a lot in the next few weeks at the weekends so maybe he's feeling that as pressure (it's not, it's just I have a bunch of things lined up and the kids have some activities they need both of us there for for chauffeuring)

Anyway, I will make sure the house is clean and tidy (it already is fairly, as it has been since he left as that was apparently the reason he doesn't want to be married, sigh, but it's a 180 for me as much as for him, it's nice having an organised place, and much easier to keep clean when his crap isn't all over the place). And I hope he relaxes here and feels safe. It makes me feel sad that he has such a lack of feeling of safety about our home where we've lived for well over 20 years, but it is what it is. If we R then I'm happy to move, I think I'd like to move anyway but for the time being it's convenient for the kids and I don't want them to have more upheaval for the sake of it, bad enough that their dad has walked out on them without disrupting their lives further.

Thanks Hope, I intend to have an absolute blast this weekend with my friends, really looking forward to it!

[dillydaf]

Hmm, so this morning I felt quite detached and then the rest of today I've been suffering separation anxiety. Which is weird because H was the one who used to get terrible separation anxiety. He would be horrible to me for a week or two before every time I went away without him, to the extent I was usually relieved to leave! And now it's my turn for separation anxiety, yuck. Not nice. I don't know how much of it is to do with pre-holiday stress of packing stuff and getting the house and garden sorted for me to be away, maybe it's some weird sort of transferance going on there? Like sometimes I get a bit stressed about work and then I end up texting H with something accusatory (that sounds like an awful pattern, and actually more the sort of thing HE did, he dumped a lot of his work stress onto me! But recently it might have become a pattern). Hmm, I think this is good to watch my patterns, not sure I can do that much about how I feel (other than get back into the garden and get really busy), but at least if I can see there's a pattern there I can understand it better.

Talking about patterns, today I was talking about friends at IC, and he was pointing out that there's a definite pattern in my friends not being available. Like my best friend lives thousands of miles away, and I don't contact her much which is partly time differences and her complicated life but maybe partly me not wanting someone too close, I dunno. Maybe I do keep even my friends at a distance? My two friends I run with regularly I'm very, very open with. We discuss marriages, sex, kids, everything really. So I do get emotional intimacy that way, I was wondering whether maybe that was part of the problem in my M, I didn't get any emotional intimacy with H so instead of insisting on it or trying to get it with him I just went out and got it from my friends instead. Then again I don't believe that marriages can give you absolutely every aspect of life alone, you need separate hobbies and separate friends as long as they don't interfere too much with the time you spend together, they should give richness to your M.

Anyway, today's IC session was unexpectedly tough, I went in feeling quite chirpy and came out feeling tearful. I did then have a lovely lunch with ds1 though, he got some exam results back so was very happy and chatty (unusual for him, he's the silent type!) It was nice hearing all his news and his friends' results and what his plans might be for the future.

[AlisonUK]

IC is like that for me too - sometimes is is anything but comforting. Apparently it means you're working hard and will get the benefit - my IC says it's like being sore after you've been to the gym.

I've been reading a book about a therapist called Maybe You Should Talk To Someone and it's about her clients, and her working life, and her personal life and how she dealt with being a therapist at the same time as she was in her own therapy dealing with the aftermath of the unexpected breakdown of her relationship with her partner. It's really interesting and funny. I've been seeing my therapist for over two years and I'm pretty attached to her, and I know a little bit about her but not much. It's a weird relationship - kind of close and distant at the same time. You might enjoy the book.

I hope you're back on an even keel today. Separation anxiety is horrible and I get it very badly. When things were good between us, H used to give me a jumper of his to sleep with when I went away for work. I was like a child or a little puppy. Off to kick ass in important meetings across the country, and coming back to the hotel to sleep with my H's clothes. People are strange. I think you dealt with it well. I am going to take a leaf out of your book the next time it strikes me and get busy when it comes on.

[97Hope]

There were days I left IC with an emotional hangover. When it seemed to help me grow, I continued. I like mine because she sees me "as I need her". It wasn't talk therapy (that was not for me). She gave me homework and practical, applicable advice. I wish everyone had a good counselor.

Hoping your weekend was fabulous.

[dillydaf]

I had a wonderful time away, chatted and laughed and cried with a very good friend and one of her friends who is now my friend. Had some very tough conversations, my friend has some horrendous life stuff going on right now and I feel quite overwhelmed for her. But we did have a really fantastic weekend and I felt like the future is right there, and is full of possibility. Travel really does broaden your horizons

Then I came home and H had:
left lots of empty wine bottles in the kitchen, and lots of dirty wine glasses, he has clearly had some friends over for a barbecue
left the kitchen quite messy (I left it immaculate before I left)
left his washing in the basket
taken my car key

In a way he was helping out by taking ds2 to his activity, but I could have cancelled that and the kids are capable of looking after themselves for the weekend without me

I feel like I've come home to find a cat has sprayed in my house.
I feel so USED. I'm good enough to do his recycling and his laundry but not good enough to have sex with? I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO angry.

I rang him up and said I was disappointed to find the house messy when I'd left it clean. He was very defensive and then got mad at me. I got angry back. I did send him a text apologising afterwards (I've only had 3 hours sleep, I'm not in any state to be making phone calls like that really but I am also too tired to drink the STFU smoothie).

What I'd really like to do now is to make it clear that he is a GUEST if he stays in this house, and as such is not to treat it (or me) with disrespect. If he chooses not to live here he is not to treat me like some kind of skivvy. And he is not to entertain our friends in my absence.

I would like to ask for my keys back (house and car) and to arrange to get all of his clothes, books, shoes, paperwork, sports kit and everything else to his flat. I rang up to cry to my friend and she suggested putting it all in a suitcase.
IT NEEDS A VAN! Honestly!

Anyway, I feel better for a good sob and a good rant to my friend.

I had a wonderful time away. There were quite a few men who flirted with me, I can do soooo much better than him. I am no longer going to be serving cake, I know I KEEP saying this, but this time I have realised that he's come home, helped himself to a massive Victoria sponge and then left all the dirty dishes and crumbs to clean up. Time to put up the Closed sign on the Dilly cafe.