Brave Little Gerda Faces the Icy Game of Reason

[Gerda]

Job, Grace, DnJ, I am reading your words many times a day, thank you.

The amount of evil coming from H and his L is staggering. They are trying to strangle me even in my ability to rent out half my apartment to pay him. The evil is weighing on me only because I am becoming a slave to despair and anger and unforgiveness myself.

I will write more later but just wanted to thank you, keep the notes coming when you visit the boards, I can really use the reminders from you guys in order to keep my head on straight.

XO

[sjohns6]

Hi Gerda!

Wow, what a crazy couple of days. I know this is a hard time to go through, but you are in the midst of change. All these years you've kind of been in limbo, but you are now in the midst of change. I think after this weekend (and a few days of settling), your life will start to normalize a little. Not that all problems will be solved, but you will be surprised at how much more peace you will feel with H out of the house. Your head will clear, your spirits will lift a little, and so will your confidence. Not in 1 day, but it will start happening. Part of it is the knowing that H isn't going to be there when you get there. Right now thats something that sits in the back of your head all the time...that he is there. Once he is gone and your mind drifts to home, a sense of relief will come with the realization that its your safe place again. I am sad you are going through this, but happy that you are making some forward progress. Just remember that we are all right there walking it with you!

Sorry auto-correct doesn't like sjohns. That isn't even the name I chose initially, it got truncated. The whole thing was sjohns63 because that was my login at work a few years ago, lol. I am far past the point of caring about anonymity. My name is Sam...you can just call me that if you want

[HaWho]

Gerda - you can do this! You already have been through so very much.

This is the first step to regaining some semblance of peace in your home life.

I am 1 year 5 months out from when my h moved out to go “find himself.” I am sure you will see some unusual behavior. As my h was moving out a neighbor’s dog wandered into our home. The neighbor (who we did not know) came in to fetch the dog, asked if we were moving and my h (without hesitating) said we were just getting rid of some furniture. My older son watched the whole thing and it was quite something to see my ex lie like that. So much odd behavior.

The future is ours to build. And you will do this brick by brick, once you heal.

[Gerda]

Thank you so much, DnJ (times many), Job, Grace, HaWho and SAM (I don't know why it made me so happy to know your name but it did!!!). I really really appreciate your encouragement.

He left this morning but left so much of his stuff here. He made me give him so much money to leave and is expecting me to come up with so much each month but doesn't seem to understand that I can't rent out our space with all his crap in it. In some way working on packing up his books for some of today helped give me a focus, I had a few moments of feeling excited about getting this place ready for rentals though I am supposed to be working on a lot of actual paid work today....

I kept looking at what you all said about healing and how I will feel better soon. First day is obviously a raw one. It feels so sad that I have to keep reminding myself how horrifyingly awful it has been to live with him since he filed. The kids are sad but also very confused. S13 told me that H keeps begging him to come and visit him and he kept asking me, "Do I have to go?" This is the third weekend that is "his" weekend and he doesn't even try to see them, just took D out for a 30 minute breakfast, though she told me he talked like a "real dad," telling her not to worry, that he would see her a lot and it would be great.

There was yet another clogged drain at our guesthouse so I had to call the fix it guys -- yesterday I borrowed a snake from the bar next door and snaked a toilet myself, boy that was fun. But this other one was a sink beyond my abilities -- I really think that H was throwing paper towels down the toilet upstairs and that caused it -- but anyway, I asked the guy who came if he knew anyone who could do a quick job for me putting in a new door and a tiny extra kitchen so I could do this rental thing with half my apartment, and he sent his uncle over, and so I might be able to get this happening pretty fast. Which just shows you that even literal sh-- can be turned into something good.

I had such a weird feeling, sitting at my table and talking about how to do this door and set the rental up, that now I was finally doing that thing I had been planning, but I didn't feel powerful and confident, even though I seem like it to everyone else, I have a hole in my heart.

I can't tell if the pressure of having to make so much money to pay H is bringing me down or if it's a good distraction to have to do something.

I am bored of what I am writing, it's all just blah-blah-blah, but I guess I just wanted to sit at this table with all of you for a few moments because even though I am less lonely with him gone than with him here, this is a strange new silence and I think in the silence I can hear my heart aching more than I could when I was feeling like a caged animal with H here.

XO to you all....

[job]

Gerda,

I am not at all surprised that he's left a lot of stuff behind. They all do this. I don't know if it's there way to have an excuse to come back periodically and get stuff and check out what you've done with the place or to see if someone else has taken their place or if they just don't want any reminders of their past life. It could be a combination of all three, but the pattern is the same w/all of them. Hopefully, you will be able to clean up the space and get the work done quickly and get the space rented out.

Be sure you document what you've given him in the way of money. You don't want him to come back and say you didn't give him the funds when you did. I just don't trust him.

As for seeing the kids, he may not have much interest in seeing your son, but your daughter will be a different matter. Why? Because he was close to her and he will "pump" her for information and she will not realize that she's telling him about what is going on at home.

Sounds like you've had a lot of issues w/your plumbing. It might be time to think about cleaning the pipes. One way to clean the drains of sinks is to poor some baking soda down into the drain and the pour vinegar in on top of it. Let it set until the bubbling is done and then pour boiling water down into the drain. This will clean the drain and take care of any odors you had. It's easy and a very cheap way to clean your drains.

Take some time and just breathe! Just remember...silence is golden!

[HaWho]

Job’s post reminded me of how much my ex left behind. He had become quite a pack rat over the last few years. And when he left I asked him to clear his stuff out as I told him I was not his personal storage unit. In the end, I was unable to get him to take too much of it. He told me his place was small and he had no room for it. I tried to tell him it was still his responsibility to get rid of his own stuff. Months later he asked me for a few items he then wanted. Job will love this: In July he asked for some Xmas items he left!!! Guess it was time to decorate. I had thrown them out months ago.

He left me with some bizarre items. He had stored over 80 gallons of tap water in preparation for I-don’t-know-what: end of the world?!? I asked him to take these when he left and he told me I needed them to keep the kids safe. Forehead slap. It took me months to empty those. I turned off our sprinkles and each week would water some plants with those. I am sure the neighbors thought I was quite some diva, bottle watering my plants. Hah!

When I was down to the last 5 gallons, I sent him a pic and said, I was finally almost done emptying his water and I said “boy you really went off the deep end.” He texted back that I should have kept that water for the kids.

They do often seem to believe things will be a certain way. Mine still wanted to collect his mail at my house?!? And he tried to tell me how to live my life- he always hated the garage door being left open and when he moved out he would still try to tell me to close it.

Once the dust settles a bit you will begin to be amazed at what you lived through.

[Gerda]

HaWho, your notes are always really special to me because our situations were so similar.

I told my best friend what you said and she just loved the last line about looking back and being amazed. I think I have no idea what I am living through on some level.

I was starting to feel a little peaceful today, met with another guy about the changes I have to make to start renting and was even feeling a little excited about the changes as I love fixing houses up, and then H sent an e-mail, as he does, to my lawyer, his lawyer and me. Lots of demands and posturing and saying how he was going to come and prepare the house for the appraisal and how he would be back on Sept 30 (our agreement was an interim agreement) if I didn't settle.

I get so scared of him, it's weird. I was practically hyperventilating when I got that letter. But it's the very same fear I had of my mom, who I am sure now had an MLC. I basically am experiencing everything as a wife from H that I experienced as a teen girl from my mom. So I am sure that there is a wound there that I need to heal, if ever I figure it out. I know that I have God in my life now, and that changes a lot. But the wound is deep and I feel like I never get a chance to heal it.

Job, I think I have some inklings of how you healed, sort of. And I know how DnJ did. But how did you heal, HaWho? And anyone else here who feels healed? So far all I can think is that this is still horrible and heartbreaking but it's way less horrible than him living here.

[HaWho]

Yes, of the many situations here, I have always thought ours were similar.

It is so amazing that you at getting at the root of that fear you have of him. Good stuff. You know, if you want, you can have your lawyer tell him that you only want to communicate through lawyers. Or, you can stop opening his emails. Hear me out on this. I also had a fear of seeing his emails in my inbox. They were so laced with anger in the beginning because he did not want me to get a lawyer. So I would send them to my sister and she would read them and tell me if there was anything worth responding to. She was funny about it. Usually she would skim it and say “nope, nothing worthwhile here. Let’s move on.”

As for how I began to heal, it began when he was still living with us. (You already started when he was living with you too.) I’m a walker and I walked and walked. I made playlists and walked to those. Then I was in church a lot praying for God not to leave me to rot in this situation. I posted a lot here and that was therapeutic. Job was a beacon to me as were so many others here. I read a lot about depression and midlife crisis and that helped me. It took many conversations with Job for me to understand I didn’t cause this and I could not fix it.

Then I returned to work and that was a biggie. My ex was always telling me I was incompetent and unattractive. He was quite ruthless in his criticisms of me. Returning to work was a huge piece of re-building my self esteem. Once we were divorcing, I started to tell people some of what he said about me and that helped me see how ridiculous his comments and criticisms were. I wish I had talked to people sooner rather than shouldering it myself. That just made me own the shame longer. I think when we show vulnerability people step in to give a hand up. We should talk more about our perceived failings. Don’t be afraid to tell people how you feel about the divorce label. Confide in trusted people and you will see you are not alone.

You will continue to forge your own path to healing in your own timeframe. You are on your way...

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

Really good posts from job and HaWho.

I do like reading about your reflections of the root of your fear. Well done!

Did you make butter tart slice this weekend? I sure hope so.

...snaked a toilet myself, boy that was fun.

I am sensing a rather large amount of sarcasm in those few words.

I am bored of what I am writing, it's all just blah-blah-blah, but I guess I just wanted to sit at this table with all of you for a few moments because even though I am less lonely with him gone than with him here, this is a strange new silence and I think in the silence I can hear my heart aching more than I could when I was feeling like a caged animal with H here.

Within that strange new silence is peace and contentment. Listen to it. Hear Gerda’s inner voice. She’s a pretty awesome gal!

(((Gerda)))

DnJ

[Gerda]

No butter tart slice yet for me, and no peace. Or I get a few minutes but then endless onslaught of insane e-mails and already one visit from H unannounced, mercifully I was not there. He took photos of the whole place which was completely upside down in my first attempts to get his stuff out and start preparing the installation of a new door (I am dividing the apartment and renting it during the week as part of our guesthouse). He keeps sending endless totally insane e-mails to me and his lawyer and sometimes my lawyer about all the terms, his stuff, his problems with his rental and his schedule and his inability to store anything with no money but how he will hire a cleaning service or he will be back to clean the house and I should arrange a time for that, and how he can't commute to see D10 unless it's for a longer time but he can't do a longer time at the agreed upon times and most of all how he is concerned about how house looks not only because of the appraisal but because he is planning to be back in October if we have not settled since he "can't possibly afford" his sublet. He insisted on giving D10 an iPhone and when I said that I was not okay with a smartphone for a 10-year old but that I had bought her a flip phone and gave him the number, he just said he would be giving it to her anyway. He also explains that no one has to follow the "letter" of court orders until after the divorce is final and has long H-esque theories about why this is so.

I will not bore you with the ten or twelve pages of e-mails he sent except this last one, it's very short and so amazingly projecting. HaWho is right that it's better not to read them but I had to try to get him to commit to times to see D10 because she actually misses him though in between says she hates him.

And DnJ, I am making that butter tart slice and the one I can't spell soon and I am gonna post a video of me eating it on youtube. In fact, maybe I really will, GERDA IN REAL LIFE. : )

Here's the note, more later, reminders that he is crazy and there is nothing I can do are always welcome. Oh and by the way, they will have a little kitchen and living area, just tiny, and will use the whole place on weekends or when not rented during the week. I don't want to tell him the details for obvious reasons!

You are not allowed to alter our home without my permission, and likewise does it not strike you that you could be traumatize my kids by forcing them to live in ghetto conditions without a living room and a kitchen. Rent the entire duplex before doing what you are doing, hurtling the kids, is my guess. Think deep about it.