Brave Little Gerda Faces the Icy Game of Reason

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

OK, DnJ, I have a large pot of tea here and it's a beautiful cool day, sun pouring in but breezy, so I can bake whatever it is you are in the mood to have with the tea. What is your favorite?

I have always loved butter tart slice. It is just like butter tarts, just baked in a pan, not in a shell, then cut into squares. This way there is less pastry and more sugary goodness. A much better filling to pastry ratio. Yum! Ah, the kid in me.

A funny little story. During coffee break at work I was asked about not having my coffee thermos. I explained I was out of coffee cream at home so I was coffee-less that day. This brought up a bunch of how people used to drink coffee with cream and sugar and now they drink it just black. I told the table that I did that for a while, drank my coffee black, realized I really don’t like it that way, so why do it. I have cream and sugar and enjoy my coffee, and slip happily. The amazement and utter quiet that over took the group was comical. The scant amount of caloric intake from a bit of sugar and creamer versus the enjoyment, or lack of, from drinking it black - you could see people weighing it out.

I’m really not too concerned over 30 or so calories; not after what I’ve been through. I just found it kind of funny, peer pressure - at my age. Yeah, not likely.

So cream and sugar in my tea. Maybe? I don’t know. I don’t drink tea. I always try stuff as is, for the first time. I haven’t had tea in many years. I will guarantee this, if we ever meet I will have tea with you - even plain (the first cup anyhow).

I told his mother and all she said was that I should tell him so that we could "be ready" for any outcome. I guess she means if I die?

Well huzzah! in that case H would finally get all the money he wants!

Sadly for him i think the worst case scenario will be a hysterectomy.

Well first off, I am glad you went to the doctor for a biopsy. It is best to know what you’re dealing with. (((Gerda))) Like you needed on your plate more right now.

Huzzah! - I just about shot cream and sugared coffee out my nose reading that.

I am pretty sure you thought of this ... but... do you realize your need of a new will? One that ensures your kids’ welfare and security? I found out one cannot change their will while undergoing separation proceedings. Once financially separated, it’s a good idea to get that will done.

I do like your lawyer, the knight in shining armour. He is right, let him stress and worry - you focus on getting healthy (and baking butter tart slice, I also like Nanaimo bars). Good luck on Wednesday. I do agree with your L’s suggested motions (child support), and see your point as well (the actual visiting). I am interested in what the arrangements are, however I also understand how sensitive that is, so please do not feel you have to share anything because I asked. Face to face over tea I am sure would be different.

And that's a rather intense comfort!

That is nice to hear. Thank you.

Yes we are two friends, names unknown, thrown together by tragic events, and connected by much more.

DnJ

Oh, I also like cheesecake, marshmallow squares, cookies, pies, cakes, chips, jerky, bacon, steak, potato, bacon (I know I said that, but I really like it), chocolate, strawberries, watermelon, corn, cotton candy, pretzels, ice cream, those little donuts they make at the carnival, anything with icing, ... hmmm ... food. And good friends.

[Gerda]

Crikey but I loved this note. You made me laugh at least four times.

I have to write back to it later. But -- I had to look up what the heck your favorite items were and I was like, WHERE HAS BUTTER TART SLICE AND NANAIMO BEEN ALL MY LIFE?!!!!

I am going to make those this weekend and snort them off the table in lines.

Also I want to apologize for forcing you to drink virtual/future tea so many times. I never realized you didn't like it. Coffee with cream and sugar is also available. And thank you for making me feel better about the cream and sugar in my tea. I live in a city of stick figures who eat no gluten, carbs or dairy, so it was nice to put a spoon of sugar and a pour of fatty cream in my tea and say, Well, suck eggs, DnJ does it and no one knows the trouble I've seen either. Except DnJ and the rest of you lot.

But I object to what you said about rap on your thread. I have grown to love it and deeply respect the geniuses who can do it. Just look at how many lyrics they have to memorize!!! Way more than a pop or rock song, and very complex lyrics to boot. I have been working in urban areas all my life so I know lots of people from this world and it is full of art and complexity. There are lots of good ones also that cross the lines of genres, here is one you might like --

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSgUMPHQEWw

But right now I am having to prepare for another divorce court meeting after another morning with H getting in my way in the kitchen. I am not sure why I haven't lost it yet. I keep telling God that I am at the end of my rope and then he does nothing about the rope or the thing pulling on it so I have to keep finding more rope. I do not want to find any more rope. I need some Mantle DnJ and some Mantle Gordie, SJohn (AND LORD I AM SO SICK OF THE AUTOCORRECT BACK TO JOHN FROM SJOHN) and Mantle Job to stick in my backpack. I hope you all won't mind being run through the metal detector.

I am making jokes but I feel like throwing up or crawling under a rock to slowly die.

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

I had to look up what the heck your favorite items were and I was like, WHERE HAS BUTTER TART SLICE AND NANAIMO BEEN ALL MY LIFE?!!!!

I am going to make those this weekend and snort them off the table in lines.

Hahahaha!

I think you are going to love those.

And yeah! Cream and sugar in our tea and coffee. And suck eggs if you don’t like it! Cream and sugar users unite and stand up.

I will say the rap music comments were my son’s, I wasn’t there. I did listen to your suggested song. It now, with mine added to it, has 57,744,654 views - they can’t all be wrong.

Best of luck at the court meeting. And I don’t mind the metal detector.

I am glad you had some good laughs and smiled.

DnJ

[Gerda]

Well, it was h#ll but I made it out alive. And we made an agreement that H has to move out ON SATURDAY.

We worked him down but not really to anything I can manage. I signed that I would give him 5K to move out and 3K a month after that for three months, and then we have another conference. I will have to divide my apartment in half and rent out half of it at least 4 nights a week to manage to even get close. But I am hoping my father will loan me the money for this first payment. So far he is giving me a hard time about it.

I was so desperate that I agreed to it. It was all so surreal. It's hard to get what you really want or need when you are there because there is so much lying and nastiness.

At one point, his L was screaming out in the hall that I made 30K a month on our rentals and was hiding it. This is a complete and total lie. But I would have to wait for a trial to prove it and my L just kept trying to keep me focused on the goal, which was to get him out the door.

So I had to agree to give him 5K the day he moved out and 3K a month after that for three months, until our next conference. And in the meantime the house would be appraised. It was hard to get them to say that this money was off the final share and wasn't spousal support. We managed to get the 5K allocated as a credit to his share of assets but the other months the best we could do was "TBD allocation."

I guess my first L never gave them any bank statements and my H has deluded himself into thinking he can't just go to the bank and ask for them. So hopefully now that my L is giving them all that stuff, maybe my H's L will actually realize that there is no money being hidden and that we are a sinking ship.

Or maybe not. But at least I will have some peace.

My kids were very upset even though both have been wanting this for a while. They were in shock I guess.

I am too. But I know that the peace will change things. I just hope that dividing the apartment will not be too awful and that money will come in quickly and I can start to dig out of this hole.

H looks so tortured and miserable. I wrote my friend a very dark text during the time in court saying that it was just me and H sitting in the courtroom, him just behind me, but I never looked at him. I just read a bible and sometimes got a text from my friend that made me laugh. He was telling me various things I should start shouting in court and making fun of my L's lawyer -- my L's lawyer is a real ambulance chaser and is very disgusting looking so I call him Jabba the Hutt.

It is getting harder to imagine H ever waking up and understanding what he did or what is happening right now but he looks so tortured and miserable that I am often surprised he doesn't just implode. I keep picturing how he will feel when he is gone -- I think he will be drunk a lot but I think that he will be in shock that he is not part of a home anymore. He will blame me and thus for a while he will still be able to avoid the truth. But as he was kicked out of his home often as a teen and also ran away very often, I think this is all part of reliving his youth in the darkest of ways.

My S just asked me to read to him for a while. He has been doing that lately. He is so difficult to deal with but tonight I just showered him with love, went to get his favorite ice cream, etc. My heart is breaking for these kids!!!! We have been waiting for 6 years for H to come back and finally they have to face that he is really doing this, he is really leaving. They don't really know about all the evil money stuff so I assume he will at some point tell them I kicked him out.

So put on your seat belts, here we go.

But I would like to close with something hopeful, a letter from a priest I love. I wrote to him about all the people telling me to seek an annulment. And about the temptations I have been facing recently in the context of my vows.

Dear Gerda,

Thank you for your Letter. Surely I love you and will love you no matter what happens in your life. And let me tell you, that even God loves you more because you now need Him more.

First you have to protect yourself and your family from the attacks of your husband. Even though the church might recognize the invalidity of your marriage, I believe that God can re-create new life, even after death. So keep protecting your children and family with patience and perseverance. An annulment would not change anything!

The second situation that you have to work on is your loneliness.

It is something that you now feel more than before, because of your difficult situation. It is human and natural to look for support and friendship. .... The Lord is very compassionate especially with those in a situation like yours. He knows that we are weak and we cannot live in loneliness. He embraces you as a good father and kisses you are His chosen daughter. Just keep walking, fighting and praying to Him, because He wants to help you.

It is important not to listen to the devil.... Most of all he makes you feel that God the Father does not love you any more; that is a lie and he is a lier. You are very much loved by you Father in heaven and earth.

So, just pick your your mat and walk. Keep living, keep fighting for your family and keep praying EVEN MORE. Go to church and stay there for a while, even if you don't say anything! You will find the strength to go on. And if you fall, like Jesus in the way of the cross, GET UP, go to confession and keep walking TILL THE END.

Maybe now you feel weak, but if you keep getting up, you will find the grace of God, which will renew your courage and strength.

I love you and God loves you too.

- Father Y

[job]

Gerda,

I know you know this already...but document everything. Take photos of the inside of your home so that you are aware of what is being moved out on Saturday. Also, make sure that you can very good records of what you give in the way of funds. There is no reason that this man can't work a better paying job and unless I am missing something, you shouldn't be paying him spousal support.

Have someone at the house on Saturday just in case he becomes ever more of a monster. If someone is there, he might not act like a mule around you or the kids.

I am sorry it has come to this....but it's been a long time coming and hopefully you will find some peace and be able to make the space far better for children and you.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

I feel for you dear girl.

I suspect you have mixed feelings in all this. Sad you have reached an agreement. Happy you have reached an agreement.

It’s ok. And yes there will be a certain amount of shock to overcome in all this, for both you and the kids.

Two days. On Saturday. He will move out. You will fine peace. You will lose your fears over this; we aren’t fearful of stuff that has happened. There has been a very heavy weight upon you for a long time, let it lift.

I too am sorry it has come to this. And I know you have a bright future waiting for you to discover it.

A wise letter from your priest friend. Get up, and keep walking. You are loved, you will be surrounded by the grace of God.

DnJ

[Gerda]

Job and DnJ, thank you for being there this morning. Your notes were a great help to keep my focus.

I noticed that both kids are scared and both kept asking me how Papa would live, where he would live, as if they know that he will completely collapse and fall apart without being in our house.

That is where my fear comes in.

But I am not even sure if he has another woman, so maybe he is going there.

He has barely spoken to the kids. I think he is so ashamed but is channeling it all into hating me.

This current stage is an admission that he really is crazy, this realy is happening. I know that seems ridiculous since I have been at this for six years, but as I was saying to SJohn above, it wasn't until last year, or til he filed, that he stopped seeming like he was "ours" and that we were waiting. Now I am just pushing him to follow through on what he asked for. It feels awful, but I am just hoping that the peace will start soon.

Something awful happened yesterday with my son's teacher and therapist -- and then when I asked my father for money to help me with this, he wrote me a long note about how I never think of taking care of him! I feel like I am surrounded by so much toxicity.

But then I opened my e-mail and my best friend had sent me 5K via PayPal. I did not even ask her for it. She just wrote, "loaner" in the subject line and told me in a separate note that I was a better investment than any bank.

So I guess there's one person teaching us what love means.

[job]

Gerda,

It seems like some of them keep pushing and pushing and stating what they want and then when they get what they want, they then monster at us. I can remember the old saying "Be careful what you ask for". My xh didn't really monster when he first left, but when I had the draft separation papers drawn up, per his request and what he wanted stated in them....that's when the full blown monster came out. They truly do not understand what they want and how to go about getting it the proper and decent way.

The only thing I can say is this...take care of yourself and your children. God will watch over him. I know you are worried about him, but he's in God's hands and trust me, your h will have a place to live in no time at all. If the shoe was on the other foot, he most likely wouldn't care if you had a roof over your head or not. That's the mind set that they are in when they monster like this.

Glad someone came to your rescue today. There are angels everywhere and they do show up when we need them the most.

[Grace21]

Gerda - You are in my thoughts much throughout the day. I continue to pray for you. Allow God to hold your hand, and see you through this. He will be with you every step. Your priest is wise, and I hope he gave you some comfort.

I love hearing about your friend sending you $. God provides for our needs, and often will do it through friends.

As terrible as all this is, I truly believe peace is around the corner for you. Once H is out, you will develop a new normal in the home with the kids, and without the toxicity of H. Your kids are hurt, confused, and sad, but they are lucky to have you as their mom to help them weather the storm.

Hugs.

Grace

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

Focus on you and your kids. Let go of H. Give him to God. Trust in Him.

Soon dear Gerda, soon. The toxicity will lessen, the fears will lessen, and the pressures you have been living under will lessen.

Focus on you and your kids. Keep your headings. Have faith.

I think you will be shocked when you experience the absence of the stress and pressure caused by H. Gerda then will truly get to shine, and that is something I am looking forward too.

What a wonderful action from your friend. You’ve been blessed with her as a friend.

DnJ