Its a hard decision. I decided that I would give WW the divorce she wants. I am too valuable to waste time waiting. Think about it.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I asked what she wanted moving forwards and the response was "I don't know". I said "fair enough" and went up to bed. For someone who was so dead set on D 5 months ago things really seem to be stalled and "I don't know" is running rampant.
This is why I told H I thought is was best he moved out for a couple of months. He was stuck. We were stuck. And he was bringing me down. For all the reasons I posted on my own thread, I'm now doubting that I should have asked him to move out. Would it change the course? Probably not. I would just probably be more miserable now with a miserable person in the house. And his behaviors wouldn't have change. I had 3 or 4 really good months feeling usually happy, content and at peace. I am going to work hard to get back on track this week.
ST, I'm very much of the same mindset these days. Yes I have my flaws but there are a lot of people out there that would love to have someone like me. Life is far too short to worry about W.
Grace, This weekend it really hit home with me that when I am alone I am much happier, much more relaxed and calmer. A short period when W came home on Sunday that all went straight out the window.
All in all, at least this morning, I feel like I may have finally fully accepted things for what they are. We had a brief conversation yesterday and I asked W to clarify what "I don't know" meant and she did. It wasn't the answer I was hoping for but it was the one I was prepared for and I am in a way glad she clarified. She is 100% convinced that she wants D and it looks like there is no turning back. Today feels like some of the limbo land feelings have cleared.
Resolution is always much better than limbo. Hang in there bud.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Really feeling stuck this afternoon since receiving a text from W about another schedule change request this weekend. Trying to work with her on scheduling is driving me to the brink of insanity. My stance on some of the issues is an easy one. Example last Friday she had booked an appointment for D4 to have her pre kindergarten shots. Friday is my day and I found out about it on Thursday evening. I advised W that obviously D4 needs her shots and medical appointments are of the utmost importance but it is not acceptable for her to be booking appointments that she expects me to take D4 to with out ever consulting me prior to making the plans.
Now I get a message that she wants to go away this Sunday through Monday. Who knows what she has planned (I have my suspicions) but this is just one of many recently where she expects me to drop everything and watch the kids on my days off. I have plans but they are nothing critically important but they are plans none the less. I love spending time with the kids and would be happy to be with them but I also have a life. Obviously there are going to be times when scheduling issues arise and things need to be moved around but it seems with W it is way more frequent then it should be. The current schedule isn't really fair in that I never have a weekend for myself since she works Saturdays but for now thats not the end of the world. It seems to me she should be taking time off work to pursue her extra curricular activities on the days she doesn't have the kids. W went from being the worlds best Mom and wanting nothing more in life to only caring about her job and partying with friends. If anything pops up the kids are the first thing she drops.
This BS wont stop post-D either. You should be flexible if you expect her to be flexible in turn when you need a schedule change. It looks like she is giving you a weeks notice for a change. However by the same token, she has fired you as the H so don't be a doormat. You aren't the babysitter so she can have a last minute GNO, but dont stop her from having a GNO just because. She isn't your prerogative anymore. Its a balancing act. Prioritize, do you have plans or do you want extra time with the kids.
That being said if this isn't reciprocated by her when you need a change in schedule then all bets are off.
Edit: When I say this BS won't stop post-D the example I should use is that my XW, while good with the schedule so far, also finds ways to drop the kids as a priority. Its really frustrating and effing sad.
Last edited by Twofeet; 02/25/1911:22 PM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
It wasn't the answer I was hoping for but it was the one I was prepared for and I am in a way glad she clarified. She is 100% convinced that she wants D and it looks like there is no turning back.
These little temperature check convos are completely pointless, because OF COURSE she said that because that is what she is thinking at this moment in time. In 5 minutes? An hour? A week? A year? Who knows, their minds are all over the place. I'm always surprised that despite us saying this over and over again we still have LBS's come here and say "welp that's it, I asked her again and it's all over." Did you expect her to say otherwise after only a few months of DB'ing? You've got to dig down and find some patience!
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Today feels like some of the limbo land feelings have cleared.
You're only in limbo if you choose to be. Standing for your M, working on yourself, making goals and achieving them, none of that is limbo.
Originally Posted by RyanHun
Trying to work with her on scheduling is driving me to the brink of insanity. My stance on some of the issues is an easy one. Example last Friday she had booked an appointment for D4 to have her pre kindergarten shots. Friday is my day and I found out about it on Thursday evening. I advised W that obviously D4 needs her shots and medical appointments are of the utmost importance but it is not acceptable for her to be booking appointments that she expects me to take D4 to with out ever consulting me prior to making the plans.
I ran into this same issue with my ex early on. Here is my suggestion (it worked for me)- send her something in writing describing the amount of advance warning you need for this type of thing and ask her if moving forward she can comply with that. If she agrees then you have an "agreement" (an offer and an acceptance). Then the next time she tries this just politely tell her that you can't on such short notice, and remind her what the agreement is. She'll eventually "get it".
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Now I get a message that she wants to go away this Sunday through Monday.
Similar to above, come to an agreement on how much advanced notice you need before taking the kids on "off" days. Then hold her feet to the fire.
I know it's difficult, but you've got to look at these things as business transactions and remove your feelings from it. Forget about where she's going or why, that doesn't matter. My ex and I have often swapped out days or even entire weeks due to plans coming up, sometimes it's business and sometimes pleasure but eventually it gets to the point where you could care less what she's doing.
TF- I think it is the the fact that this stuff wont ever stop until W decides to organize her life is what makes it feels worse. This weekends plans she did give a weeks notice so that is great. It's all the short notice changes or the booking of things on my days with the kids that drive me nuts. And as you mentioned, the fact that the kids don't seem to matter to her is a hard pill to swallow. On the other hand kids are very intuitive and in the short span of 5 months since BD the kids already make it well known to both of us that they would rather spend time with me. It makes it harder to be a part from them but also feels good knowing that I must be doing something right in that department.
AS- Thanks for the suggestions. I will keep attempting to get a response in writing but to date all my emails go un answered. My yearly bonus comes in next week and I may end up having L draft up a formal separation agreement but I am still trying to avoid unnecessary costs. I'm not worried about the money personally but the more we spend the less we have for the kids. At the very least we need an agreed upon parenting plan in writing. The house and financials don't really matter at this point.
Wow, I can't believe I am at the 7 month mark now. I also can't believe how my life has unfolded these past 7 months and where I am now. Work is going amazingly well, new and old friendships are coming together, my kids are all doing great. I was going to say "if you told me I would be at this point 7 months ago I wouldn't believe you". Truth is that is exactly what priority # 1 is on this forum and is made perfectly clear but when you are in the thick of things it is hard to imagine. The days of sadness are few and far between now, moments still pop up but they don't take over anymore. I take some time to acknowledge the feeling, run through a sort of reality check list and move on about my day. Just thought I would pop on by and hopefully provide some encouragement to those that are new here and those that are still struggling in their sitch. Don't let the crap that is coming your way get you down. With time things will get better and life goes on and likely gets better.
