We have all been guilty of all of the above. Don't beat yourself up over it. Consider what I wrote as a gentle nudge back to bring your focus to yourself. Just like in meditation, you bring your focus back to your breath once your realize your mind has wandered. this is just like that.
If she brings up R talks, it could be anything. Just remember how you want to show up to a conversation like that - calm, collected, and with validation. As I said, don't focus so much on the tactics and techniques because you'll feel like you need to execute perfectly to change outcomes. It's not going to change the outcomes in the 'now', but developing the overall strategy and how you show up consistently will make the ultimate difference to you.
W back today with the kids. I tried being super positive (bit of a 180) but no discernible change. No emotional connection.
The topic du jour is: Emotional Abandonment
My wife has emotionally abandoned me. There is no connection, no concern about how I am feeling, how my day went, anything. I am not particularly angry or upset about this, just observing it as a fact. I can't do it forever, but it is what it is.
This explains why I feel things are toxic, and why we are not communicating. I am working SO hard to meet my own needs, to be more balanced emotionally, and not look to W to meet my needs. I am really happy about this progress regardless of what it means to my M.
I am willing to set aside my R needs for the moment if I can get my W back on track to working on this M.
I see 3 main contributing factors to my W's emotional abandonment:
1. Unforgiveness for past hurts
- When I wrote my "April Letters," they were over-the-top. I detailed many past hurts, I expressed remorse, I tried to place myself in W's shoes to understand how she felt. I asked her to share her feelings if she felt safe. I said I was not ready to ask for forgiveness yet, as I had not forgiven myself. No feedback from W whether she forgives me. Actually no feedback at all. Perhaps I need to ask for forgiveness explicitly?
2. Unmet needs
- The disruption of moving 2 years ago, turning my W into SAHM instead of having her part-time career, combined with issues around housekeeping and childcare, have done a number.
- W also has an issue (covered during MC1 in 2018) expressing her needs. She instead tends to build up resentment that I am not aware of the needs, that she shouldn't need to ask.
3. Unwillingness to talk
- Self-evident
Here's the plain facts:
- (1) W says ZIP about the letters - (2) W gets upset now when I do meet needs that I previously did not meet. - (3) W is showing no sign of wanting to talk about the M or work on it. MC in July sounds far off even today. I don't buy it.
So how does one approach this situation?
A. DB. R's are 50/50, I should not fall all over myself trying to fix everything on my own.
B. Try to get W to open up and communicate, so I can better understand the hurts (#1) and the needs (#2). Communication shows that I care, and also provides me feedback which I am sorely lacking from W. Somebody needs to break through this brick wall or we are finished.
I don't mean to be rude, and I have been EXACTLY where you are - many of us have. I am not trying to tell you what to do, but, I actually am... Because you are digging yourself into a hole, and its neck high at this point.
Let me elaborate:
You are trying to convince yourself, that you don't care about her emotional status towards you - Thats just not true, and the sooner you realize that you are only fooling yourself, the sooner you will be on the right path, sorry friend.
Its so explicit in your journaling, that everything you do, is done with hopes of a reaction from her side. And you aren't learning from her signals at all. You poored your heart out, and took responsibility for all the hurt, and you got ZERO feedback whatsoever. Listen, she is absolutely done in her head right now, and she is BEGGING for you to give her space. And here you are, after having sent said letters, asking yourself, if you should now pressure her even further by taking the interaction to a verbal level - I think you know the answer to your own question.. Back off.
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So how does one approach this situation?
A. DB. R's are 50/50, I should not fall all over myself trying to fix everything on my own.
B. Try to get W to open up and communicate, so I can better understand the hurts (#1) and the needs (#2). Communication shows that I care, and also provides me feedback which I am sorely lacking from W. Somebody needs to break through this brick wall or we are finished.
C. Give up.
1. You should not fall at all, but you are, because your journaling is DENSE with thoughts about her and how she might react to what you are thinking - What about journaling about what you want for YOU - leave her out of the equation / relief her of the immense pressure.
2. Communication is CRITICAL in a relationship because two individuals are able to express their needs and wants to each other and thereby develop a deeper connection and evolve their relationship.
However.... Your wife is desperately signaling the need for space, and you are pressuring. Drop the rope. Listen to yourself "Break through this brick wall? or we are finished?" - It's not your wall to break down - its her fight, and you are just building that wall thicker and thicker by trying to knock it down.
Sorry for being blunt.
I do root for you, but you seem to really have a tough time with letting her do her, while you figure out you.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Thank you for your blunt honesty. I don't take any of it as rude, and quite frankly if you feel like are holding back then let it really rip next time.
You are right, I am always wondering "How will W react if I do XYZ?" I won't deny that.
And now I will commence resuming the focus on my W in this post
Originally Posted by Hurt213
2. Communication is CRITICAL in a relationship because two individuals are able to express their needs and wants to each other and thereby develop a deeper connection and evolve their relationship.
The last time my W communicated with me about our R was in an e-mail in March. Prior to that, 2 one-sided venting sessions in January.
I feel that we need to work on our communication styles, but it will take both of us to commit. I'm rearing to go.
I am also starting to question whether I can be happy in a M with such poor communication.
Originally Posted by Hurt213
However.... Your wife is desperately signaling the need for space, and you are pressuring. Drop the rope. Listen to yourself "Break through this brick wall? or we are finished?" - It's not your wall to break down - its her fight, and you are just building that wall thicker and thicker by trying to knock it down.
If I hurt my W, if I was not meeting her needs, I feel it is my responsibility as her H to try to resolve the hurt and meet her needs.
Yes, she is signaling the need for space. This is because she is emotionally checked out, and space allows her to proceed with her D plans. In the past, W has held in resentments and chosen not to communicate her needs, if that matters.
It's just really darned confusing for me. I've been sitting here typing about 10 different responses, and to your point, Hurt, every time I start thinking more about them, I realize I'm stuck thinking about my W's reaction again.
Maybe I can come to some resolution by realizing that I already did try to resolve the hurt and meet her needs. It's so hard to let go. This is 15 years of my life. I want to fix things. I want to try harder. And I know that is a cringe-worthy statement to DB'ers. But how can I not want to heal the hurt and try to meet her needs? How can I decide to just stop communicating because that's what she wants? I've given her a month off, and nothing about my sitch has changed. Is it time for a 180?
Blah... too late, I need to go to bed. Will sit and wait.
Originally Posted by Hurt213
I do root for you, but you seem to really have a tough time with letting her do her, while you figure out you.
Yes I should journal more about what I am doing to figure out me. I actually am doing some ME-focused work.
I'm really focused on daily meditation and exercise at the moment. Things that distract the brain, are easy to do, and can be done anywhere. Hobbies I have placed on the back-burner a little bit, as they are harder to get into daily. Reading NMMNG second time through and working through some of the exercises there - fear of abandonment is a doozy given my current sitch.
GAL saw a good friend over the weekend while W and kids were gone, something I almost never do. Really good time, and good to know I have solid friends.
If I hurt my W, if I was not meeting her needs, I feel it is my responsibility as her H to try to resolve the hurt and meet her needs.
Yes, that is a very sincere approach, and a hurtful realization, that we could had done better when we had the chance, and heck, we all could, her included. However.... That was when she was INTERESTED in your efforts to resolve the hurt, when she CARED about you meeting her needs. She does not want either at this point, so why do you keep pushing? it is weak pursuit behavior, and you are worth SO MUCH more! Regain your self-respect, and realize that you are not at all the only one who has blame in these turn of events.
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Yes, she is signaling the need for space. This is because she is emotionally checked out, and space allows her to proceed with her D plans. In the past, W has held in resentments and chosen not to communicate her needs, if that matters.
So, you are mind reading - You just assume she is checked out, and she is divorcing you, if you do not do something drastically. Heres the kicker. She will divorce you, if that is what she has decided to do - because, that is her prerogative. She is a human being with a free will, and you trying to coheres her into changing her mind will just postpone the fact, that you 1,2 maybe 5 years from now, will find yourself back on this forum, because things crashed again.
Let her fight her own battle - Dont engage, dont get involved, be a loving detached and strong man that is not at all affected by her choices and statements. Let her have some victories with her decisions, and let her burn her fingers on other decisions. In the end, if she decides to come back, it will have been HER choice and it will come from a place of free will - and that is the only acceptable foundation for ever trying to make reconciliation work.
Set her free in order for you to be free to love with detachment. If not, be the victim of your thoughts, and ruin your chances of happiness with her or someone else.
Last edited by Hurt213; 05/28/1908:15 AM.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Hurt is giving you good advice. Once upon a time I had to ride him pretty hard to let go lol. U at some point you are going to have to forgive yourself for your shortcomings in the relationship. There's no guide or manual giving to you when you get married. The real shame of everything is by the time people here are ready to roll up their sleeves and do the work it's too late.
I was watching a TV series a couple years ago and a mother was having a conversation with her daughter about marriage. She said you know the number one key to a successful long term marriage? "Forgiveness"
Unfortunately by the time people get here it not an option. Not right now anyways.
U, you come off as very desperate and needy and paranoid for someone that hasn't been BD'd. Maybe that's just you pouring things out here, but if you are the least bit needy around W then that has got to STOP and stop right NOW. Desperate and needy is so incredibly unattractive that it will push her right out the door. You've got to become strong and independent, make yourself attractive again. Who were you when you met W? Think about your characteristics back then, compare that to who you are now, and figure out how you can be more like that guy she was originally attracted to. If she is preparing to BD you then you may very well stop that in it's tracks if you can become "the spouse only a fool would leave." But the sad and desperate stuff will just drive her away.
