I appreciate the kind words even if I don't consider myself quite so advanced. I think that the most important thing I have learned is to be confident that I can ride out these low moments. When BD first happens it felt like they would swallow me up and I would never come out the other side. Now, I trust my ability to stay afloat despite the shifting tides.
I try not to dwell on OM mainly because I am disappointed in myself. I haven't been able to shake all of my anger towards him. I would love to be at a place of indifference, but I'm not there yet. It continues to bug me that close friends of mine still associate with him. I need to let that go. It's not my burden to carry.
Everything isn't quite finalized yet. I still need to draw up a quit claim deed to transfer the house out of EW's name, and then we need to go together to get it notarized, and I then I will write her a check to buy her out. I was going to pay her off in parts because it is a lot of money, but at this point I just want it to be over with and I can (barely) afford to do so. That said, I think the last two months of going through the divorce process have been harder than earlier because I have once again been forced to confront the old emotions and lingering ties in my head. Perhaps when it is completely done it will be easier?
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
It was an emotional day the day my D was final but it also felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders as well. I did experience some old emotions as well as it felt like some old wounds/scabs had been picked at again.
That said once I got through that day I felt my levels of detachment drastically increase. Hopefully you will feel the same.
Stay strong there brother. Be proud of your journey. Time heals everything. Keep the good memories man and keep on moving forward like you have been doing.
It gets easier over time. You know that D.
Be proud of what you´ve done Davide. Keep doing it!
(((D)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
You are too hard on yourself D. You have come an incredibly long way since you first joined the boards. Your M is officially ending. A piece of paper maybe, but it is also a final reminder of the hopes and dreams you both had when you stood on front of friends and family and vowed to love one another till the end of your days. Saying goodbye to those hopes and dreams is a huge step. I would think you heartless if it did not hurt.
Yorkie says something similar in her thread. I don't know if you keep up with her sitch so I will summarise where she is at now. Like you, Yorkie is in the final stages of her D. She is building a life and has long since let go. I think once it is finally done, she will wish her H well. A few weeks back, on a trip with a friend to Italy, she broke down in tears. Uncontrollable, irrational tears. She missed her life with her H, even though rationally she knew it was a lie and not a life at all. After some soul searching she came to the realisation these were not the same hysterical tears that she had post BD, they were not driven by loss or fear, but by sadness. She was saying goodbye.
I understand what you are feeling. I wish often that there could be a pill to make me forget how much I loved him so that I did not have to feel the constant numb ache in my chest. But indifference is the opposite of love. Let her go with love.
Re your friends. By remaining friendly with the OM, they are choosing not to take sides. On some level you have to respect them for that.
It has been an up and down couple of weeks. The school year is coming to a close which is great because it means summer vacation is coming, but it also means that students are checking out and going crazy. Last year I ended the school year in a complete daze, I think I was pretty much in shock the final two months of the year. This year, it is just hard. My summer plans are very much up in the air, though i will be sure to get out of town for a good bit of it. I was going to travel with a Colombian friend, and still might, but it is up in the air. I'll also head up north to visit family at the beach and friends for at least a week or two. I am debating buying a car, since those and weekend trips out of town would be much easier if I had one. I like not relying on one to get around town, and I can do 90-95% of my life without one, but that last little bit is definitely tricky.
Physically I am feeling so strong, probably the strongest I have ever been in my life. It is amazing to feel a vitality at over 40 that surpasses my younger self. I used to run, and 11 years ago I was in the best running shape of my life, I ran a half marathon at 6 minute mile pace (no great shakes for some, but a friggin miracle for me!) But even then, I was super thin and my body was always right on the edge of breaking down. With the biking and yoga and climbing it just feels more solid - I am building a strong base from my core and the strength emanates out from there. Those things have been my GAL, been my rock, been my social life for the past year. No matter how low I am feeling, I force myself out to do them, and I almost always feel better. Action precedes motivation - that mantra still rings true to me.
Last weekend I went back and read through all of my posts for the first time in a comprehensive way. It was difficult to read. I also realized that I tend to post here in lower moments, while the better times tend to go unremarked upon. So, I want to assure everyone that I am not as depressed as I might come off her. I think the highlight of the reread was Sia or Nicole just ripping me a new one as I posted about a deep depression I fell into midsummer - my reaction at the time was to laugh because I knew that I had it coming! But there was also so much wisdom and support and love from so many folks. It really helped me get through those days.
My dating life has not been great. I stopped seeing other people because I was quite interested in the 2nd professor, and she seemed quite interested in me. However, things have stalled out. She likes me quite a bit (and has told me that) and we have a great connection and similar values. Whenever we get together we have a fabulous time and the conversation and time just flow. However, she a) thinks I am not ready for a relationship and b) is more than weirded out by the fact that I dated the other professor (whom she knows, and has some sort of history with, or so it seems.) I can't really control those two things and told her as much. I was about to write the whole thing off, but then we had a lovely 5 hour picnic and walk last Tuesday, and had air-clearing discussion about our concerns. It was a beautiful afternoon and evening, the kind you wish every date could be like. However, when i asked her out again for this weekend, she told me she couldn't. So I put the ball in her court letting her know that she can ask me out since her schedule is so packed. In the meantime I am beginning to look around and talk to others online again.
Last Thursday when I got home from my bike ride I got an unexpected and unwelcome surprise. A 6 page handwritten note from my EW. It was all about forgiveness and letting go, and her telling me how she forgives me, and lots of time spent asking me for my forgiveness for all the different things she did. It was definitely not a move towards reconciliation type letter, rather it was more of a farewell. Of course I haven't responded at all, but I am annoyed that it threw me off as much as it did. My first reaction was anger/annoyance because she is once again just taking an emotional dump upon me. it is so self-centered and focused on her emotional suffering with a blatant disregard for me. I have noticed this pattern with her, where she keeps coming back to me to help her resolve her own emotional trauma associated with the dissolution of the MR. Part of me wants to say that that she should talk to OM about that, but in reality the message she needs to learn is "Forgive yourself."
The other part that bothers me is that her rejection still stings. I'm not at the point where I can laugh it off. I can see it as needy and possibly a bit manipulative, but it still produces a reaction in me. I know that that note is all about her and has little to do with me, but I still give it some power to shake me. I want to be a like a tree. I want to be so centered and grounded that these gusts of wind from her, which may ruffle my leaves, can't touch my roots. I suppose that the only reason that it still has any power over me is that in some ways I am still holding on to the past. That is disappointing at this point. I think I'll head back to my IC whom i haven't seen in a while and try to work through it some more.
Time to keep plugging! There is no way around it, just through it!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Time to go with the flow D. The flow of life. Enjoy the present, without anxieties. Stop that mind reading about professor, just take it as it comes. You have plenty of time. No place for hasty decisions. Go with the flow.
You are right. Forgiveness is inside of us. But we need to know ourselves to look for those answers. Knowing ourselves, loving ourselves. We spend the whole life searching for answers.
It´s logical to get some lows from XW attitude. But you´ll cycle up faster each time. You are a DBuster, you know that.
Onward and upward D!
You are the tree.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
D - those lows are just a part of our journey. Just because we miss them and just because their words still have the power to sting does not mean we are not moving on. You can miss someone and know them for what they are and not want them back. Emotions are complex things.
I cried yesterday watching a programme about a baby born addicted to heroin and refusing to feed. They explained that the baby needed to be held constantly, skin to skin; to calm down the withdrawal. I sat and wept. Because I so miss the warmth and comfort of him. Not the sex but that feeling of being held. Being the center of someone’s world. And I am detached. I have a full and (mostly) content life. It is ok to miss them. It is ok that we still feel their sting. Because we loved them. Because the wounds are still there, but not as exposed. Feel it, accept it, and then move on.
You are a wonderful, intelligent man. Full of warmth and compassion and love. This is why it hurts.
Hey man! I know how some things can throw you off. Just remember that grief can come back up with small hits and it's part of the process. Maybe a decade later you might be fully immune to her actions and words. Just know that this is normal part of the journey and you're not regressing in your healing. I still get anxious when communicating with exW and I know it's going to take a long time for me to get to a complete place of 'meh'.
Sorry about the emotional pile of garbage she left you. That's totally unfair and it [censored]. She needs to deal with it herself instead of putting it on you. At this point, there is no reason to respond to her. There is no need to dredge up the past - too much water has gone under the bridge.
I know you've been diligent on the self-healing and stay on that path. Maybe a chat with an IC might help at this point. Keep flourishing and doing things in life for you.
Neffer, you called it spot-on in terms of mind reading with the prof. Honestly I am feeling better about that now that I am out there chatting with other women. I was unwittingly bringing in expectations when I should not have been. If it is meant to work out, it will.
FS, Yep. I think you're right that the wounds because our love was so deep. I would have given my life for her for 7 years. But I think it's also residue of some unhealthy attachment, some codependence which is not the same as real love.
Maika! Thanks for stopping back in! It's always such a pleasure to hear from you. My day got off to a great start as I finally sent a v6 bouldering project that I had been working on for a week. That feeling of accomplishment is so so sweet.
You were so far ahead of me in this process, and such a strong, reflective DBer. I remember noting that even you had some down moments when something would set you back temporarily. I think resiliency and flexibility are key attributes in making progress, and you have them in spades. I strive towards the same. A year ago a note like that would have left me unable to function for weeks and sent my mind down a myriad of cheeseless tunnels. Now, I want to acknowledge the feelings, be with them, but also let them go.
I'll see if I can get in to see the IC. I have a wedding out of state this weekend so it might be tough. But I think a chat would help.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
